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Original poster

Why don't my consequences work?

68 replies

Jennibell · 25/09/2021 08:27

Honestly I'm at my wit's end. My 8yo DS is obsessed with TV and gaming (like a lot of kids), but recently I will go into his room at night (10ish) and he will have turned his TV back on and will be watching something or playing a game! After catching him he will receive a pushinment of no TV or games for a week (or something similar). It's really hard for him and he seems like he understands and is learning from it but as soon as the week is up he repeats the same behaviour! I don't want to have to resort to taking his TV away because I feel like that will just fix the behaviour but not the underlying problem. Please, any advice would be welcome!!

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Original poster
Jennibell · 25/09/2021 08:59

@Reallybadidea these are good points. Thinking about it we did used to have a no screen wind down time before bed but it's kind of dwindled off. Thanks everyone for your suggestions so far. So looking at what people have said so far, maybe I'm just expecting too much from him. If I take the remotes out his room and add back in a wind down time with no screen hopefully that will help!

OP posts:
discombobulatedonion · 25/09/2021 09:00

Take the TV away. If he turns his light back on to read or play with his toys then let him, he’ll soon learn the natural consequence that staying up late to play and read will end up with him being tired and grumpy. Maybe get him a little light he can use rather than his main light.

My son won’t be having a TV in his room until at least secondary school age. He just doesn’t need it.

WheelieBinPrincess · 25/09/2021 09:00

@Scarby9 so would she have- she wasn’t allowed one of those either.

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MilkCereal · 25/09/2021 09:00

Agree with all pp. Take tv out! Its IP to you to help him regulate, so check on him if playing back into bed etc, if reading take torch/book away, he will get use to it if you're constant. Mine have to stay in bed- I get the I'm bored, not tired etc every night but they need that time to relax and sleep if possible.

user89000005 · 25/09/2021 09:02

I still think you need to punish him for disobeying your rules, and the fairest consequence is to remove the TV. Then addressing the bedtime with wind down etc is giving him the tools to help him sleep. Two pronged approach.

CountTessa · 25/09/2021 09:04

What kind of activities do you do with him at night time to help him relax and unwind? Having s good night time routine not involving screens will support better sleep.

Original poster
Jennibell · 25/09/2021 09:06

@user890000005 oh yeah he's totally still having no electronics at all for a week😅

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2021 09:06

Why does he have a TV in his room in the first place? Of course he's just going to turn it back on!

Original poster
Jennibell · 25/09/2021 09:07

@countTessa we used to play a board game with him (we have a lot of those!) So I will try and reintroduce that

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 25/09/2021 09:08

I have a son with autism (aged 9) who struggles to sleep. We don’t make a thing out of it, he’s allowed to put his bedside light on and read. But no screens / no tv. Most of the time reading helps him feel sleepy and get back to sleep. I’d remove the TV.

Atalune · 25/09/2021 09:08

Screens before bed is so crap for sleep hygiene.

I would not have a TV or any screen in a child’s room at that age. Far too young.

CountTessa · 25/09/2021 09:21

@jennibell, games can raise emotions so choose the right ones, what about a nice soothing bath or a cuddle and a story. Some kids respond well to a hand massage to soothe and relax. No screens for an hour before bed. low lights are also a good idea.

Also try to get him out of room for non sleep activities so his brain associates his bed with a place to rest and sleep rather than be watching TV/playing games

WeAllHaveWings · 25/09/2021 09:24

Agree with a wind down, no screens an hour before bed, if he likes to read let him read (a proper book not a screen) for that last hour or even longer, encouraging reading will be a huge win later.

Also agree with removing controllers or power lead well before bedtime, he's really too young to regulate with a TV and console in his room

WatchWait · 25/09/2021 09:33

Reading is not the same as looking at a screen. Generations of kids have read under their covers with no ill effect.
Research has shown that screen time impacts quality of sleep, and us also highly addictive.
You'd be better off reducing screen time in general, and not using it as reward and punishment.
I know it's hard (3 adult kids so I've been there) but when they are misbehaving they need the chance to de-escalate while you remain calm, and then you need to have conversation.
I never grounded mine, took things away etc, but sometime it was a case of 'get out of my sight', so they'd go play in the garden, sit in their room and read/draw/toys while they (and sometimes I) calmed down. Ten mins generally did it.
It was simpler before we all got our screen addictions I think.

MrsRobbieHart · 25/09/2021 09:40

What is he doing during the day other than school? Is he exercising enough? Tire him out with a hobby, swimming, going to the park with his bike/skateboard etc. Give him chores to do in the house that take some mental effort like sorting the laundry and putting the right powers in the right compartments etc and turning it on at the right setting. Get him to plan and research a couple of family dinners then help to cook them. Tire his brain out.

There used to be a fabulous MNer with the username ‘boysarelikedogs’. Never a truer word spoken! Grin you have to tire their brains if you want them to sleep.

WatchWait · 25/09/2021 09:46

To be clear, get out of my sight was not abandoning them, if they were really distressed that would not be appropriate. More a case of, when you can be civil, come back and we will talk about this.
It was very much about taking a few minutes to get a breather and for them to learn that misbehaving wasn't the way to get attention.
In my experience, punishment tends to escalate things further.
We were in on the start of screens with PlayStation and MSN chats (early 2000s ish) and that caused more squabbles than anything previously. It's so easy to give in for a bit of peace!

Chickoletta · 25/09/2021 09:50

No 8 yr old should have a TV in their bedroom.

Perdigal · 25/09/2021 09:50

You are asking an 8 year old to self regulate on something adults find hard to self regulate on!

He's "bored and can't sleep " because of the TV has got him into a habit that he needs it to tire him out but in reality it's stimulating him so he can't sleep.

It just needs to be removed - you'll have a teenage up until 2am and he could be watching inappropriate content which is further damaging.

I think you'll need to really make some hard decisions and follow through in order the be the parent he needs. Sorry to sound harsh but it's ridiculous he has tv and gaming in his room.

thelastgoldeneagle · 25/09/2021 09:52

Take the TV away. Too much temptation. No kid needs a TV in their room. He's shown he can't handle it. He should be reading instead. Screen time v bad for sleep.

Buttetflybookkeeper · 25/09/2021 09:56

@Chickoletta

No 8 yr old should have a TV in their bedroom.
Oh dear. My 8YO AND 6YO have one in their room.

We are strict about it going off at a certain time of night. And they never put it back on TBF.

My 8YO is also terrible at going to sleep. When the telly goes off, he asks to gets books and toys out. I can't physically remove all of them because we store them in his room. When we say no, he sits talking to himself. Confused. Once he's asleep, he's fine. 6YO has absolutely no problems going to sleep and can quite happily sleep through all of this from his DB.

For full disclosure, 8YO is being assessed for ADHD/ASD and in general has a problem with being anxious, lack of impulse control and completely oblivious to natural consequences.

MrsRobbieHart · 25/09/2021 10:07

For full disclosure, 8YO is being assessed for ADHD/ASD and in general has a problem with being anxious, lack of impulse control and completely oblivious to natural consequences.

My 12yo has ADHD and while he never had a tv in his room he would stay up til the wee small hours doing Lego, drawing, tidying his room, anything at all to keep himself busy. Melatonin has been a total game changer.

EarPlugAfficionado · 25/09/2021 10:08

Shouldn’t have a TV in his room at that age. My 8 year old doesn’t. He’ll find it had to self regulate. You are the parent.

liveforsummer · 25/09/2021 10:37

Another one saying to remove the tv but that seems to be being ignored. Most tv's are operational without the remote so I doubt that will help. Surely it's no problem if he reads instead. It does have the same impact and is a good winding down activity. The instant gratification of the tv is just too much of a pull for the consequence to stop him doing it and if it's in there it's going to be playing on his mind the whole time. Just remove the problem.

drspouse · 25/09/2021 10:51

@FudgeSundae

Please don’t take his bulb away or flick the fuse in the fuse box! I would have been terrified age 8 if I woke after a nightmare and couldn’t turn the light on!
That's why you want a Wi-Fi plug or hue bulb. Modern technology to the recuse.
WeAllHaveWings · 25/09/2021 11:05

@00100001

Remove the TV, there's absolutely no reason for an 8yo to need a TV in their room.

Tell him he can read for X amount of time,then it's lights out. If he carries on, take the bulb with you when it's time for lights out

Excess punishments, such as taking away and 8 year olds light bulb, never end well in the long run.