Teacher spoke to me yesterday

[Ellee72]

Yesterday at home time DS’s teacher pulled me aside and told me he had a really bad day. He turned 5 at the end of august. She told me that he had been silly, not listening and being cheeky to the teaching assistant. I didn’t ask her to explain what he had actually done (wish I had) but I think I was a little taken aback as this has never happened before. She then told me he had punched another child in the chest at pe and had left red marks. She told me she will be keeping an eye on him from now on and if it happens again he will be sent to the headteacher. I’m so upset, I don’t want him being the class bully and ending up with no friends. In no way am I defending him, in fact I am very angry with him, but I don’t think he’d have done it nastily and set out to hurt him, he’s just very boisterous (I know this doesn’t mean it’s ok) I’m just sad that he’s now going to be watched by his teachers and I’m scared it’s going to happen again and he will get sent to the headteacher. He seems so young for this. I’ve spoken to him and told him keeps his hands to himself and that he listens to the teachers. In the school line at drop off, he’s the only child that is turning the other way, sometimes with his coat over his head. I don’t know if this is just a typical 5 year old boy behaviour? At home, if I ask him to do something I have to ask him several times. If he doesn’t get his own way he will cry. It’s kind of his way or no way. Again, I don’t know if this is just a young child thing. But some days he can be so sweet and does as he is told. Im just very upset at what has happened. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been through something similar?

I’ve got a just gone 5 year old who is “strong willed” “confident” “spirited” all all the usual euphemisms that just mean actually he’s a bloody sod.

Some kids just are. But I do pick up on “it’s his way or no way”. Mine would like to think that - but absolutely not. Although I’m ver free and easy about lots of things, I’m very clear that our family dynamic is a dictatorship and I am the dictator. Not him. (I’m sort of joking, but also... not really).

My diktats are:

• he doesn’t hurt other people

-he doesn’t deliberately damage things

• he is never rude or cheeky to caregivers - teachers/ childminders/ relatives etc (im stricter about how he is with other people, than he is with me)
• he doesn’t knowingly do things that could injure him

Any of those and I am, what he calls, Proper Mummy - linked, instant consequences, I’m very very stern, I’ll have no arguments, I won’t listen to excuses or explanations. Then once he’s done whatever he needs to do to - make an apology, fix damage/clean up a mess- whatever - we have a conversation about what happened and why, and why the consequence was what it was. And THEN we forget all about it and move on.

Good behaviour is recognised and rewarded - whether it’s polite manners, playing well with others etc etc. That’s the key really- overpraising the “good” even if the “good”
is just waiting nicely in a queue or something, and immediate dictator mode for serious transgressions (I don’t get worked up about small stuff like mess or being daft at home. Just the stuff that i can see turning into yobbery in 10 years).

But also it’s all totally normal. The not listening (which drives me up the wall like nothing else), the being the kid with the coat on his head etc etc. Mines like that. Just some kids are. Others are like grubby little angels. And it’s fine- it’s just about finding your limits (of patience, of what you expect of him socially etc) and making them red lines he can’t cross.

Oh! Also! Don’t make this a battle with school. Go in and talk to them. Get them to work with you- so tell them how you’re supporting him to develop better behaviour at home and work together on strategies. Honestly schools want kids to behave well and consistency between home and school
Is key to that.

I always said “This family is not a democracy, it is a benign dictatorship!”

Set your red lines, ensure there are age appropriate consequences and do not ever argue the toss.

Mine I grown up now but I too was a benign dictator!

Pick your red lines as pp says and be consistent.

Hugs. It’s shit when you have one that won’t listen. I had one. Lovely as an adult but by fuck were they hard work.

Start bigging up the praise massively for good behaviour and set firm boundaries for the negative.

At home, if I ask him to do something I have to ask him several times.
Does he respond well to the standard things like reward charts?

Thanks for the advice it’s very helpful. @TwooThirty No, we have tried reward charts, not letting him have any treats if he’s naughty, the naughty step and none of them make any difference. When I’ve told him he’s not having any treats if he’s misbehaving he sometimes says he doesn’t care. I think this is why I struggle with him because apart from doing all these things, I don’t know what else I can do

123 magic is a good book for discipline ideas.

I have 2 "spirited" DS. My youngest bit someone on his first day in reception, I was mortified. He is now a kind hearted, well liked 9 year old. My eldest was also quite disruptive. He is now a funny, interesting, empathetic advocate for restorative justice (he's 12).
They can both be little so and so's at times and they are no angels, but they are not labelled "the bad kid" at all. They are both summer born boys and found the early years exhausting and this didn't help their behaviour.
There were some parents who labelled them and we just distanced ourselves from them, out of school and ignored some things on WhatsApp.
I would go to the teacher and say you understand the behaviour is disruptive in class, that you would like to work with them to promote positive behaviour and ask what they will be doing in school to support him? The fact you will be working with them and don't go in there all guns blazing, they will be more receptive.
Good luck and remember all behaviour is a communication of emotion so try to talk to him and maybe try to find out what is worrying him?

Try if he misbehaved taking a loved toy away. He will care.
At 5 the teacher will expect this behaviour but the hitting is major and that's what I would be working on. Mine knew very early on that that was unacceptable and the consequences were dire so by 5 they wouldnt hit- this is the year for him to understand hurting others isnt accepted, has he done this at nursery etc?

Clear boundaries and expectations are needed. I agree with @VaguelyInteresting. That is a very good list to have. I use similar with my son. (Who is 6). For us, almost anything else goes but do anything from that list, and it’s not ok. If I ask him to do something, I expect him to do it and will stare him out and he normally does it (taken a lot of work to get there though).

It sounds like he needs support with emotional regulation (if he cries often). Kids at his age aren’t able to regulate very well yet (although getting there). It sounds like his behaviour at school is just a little one needing a bit more support with self regulation.

If you’re tried lots of different things then it’s possible that they just haven’t been tried them for long enough. Settling behaviour can take a really long time, you’re in for a bit of a slog but you’ll get there. Start again with the rewards and consequences. If he says he doesn’t care just ignore him and carry on anyway. Make the rewards much bigger than the consequences and tell him verbally how proud you are, how well he’s doing, what a great guy he is, how good he is at x, etc etc as often as you can. Focus on all his wonderful qualities, I bet he’s got loads.

When it’s time for consequences though there’s no long discussions:’DS you did x, you know you should do y, so z is happening.’ Then follow through.

Keep up communications with school so your DS sees you all as a team working from the same song sheet.

You can do it @Ellee72

Being silly and not listening is totally standard at that age. There’s boys still like that in my dd’s year 6 class! But to be honest, once a child starts getting labelled as a troublemaker then I think people look out for that behaviour and they get into trouble for things that a ‘good’ child might get away with. So if you can keep working at it, it’ll help in the long run for him.

I’ve also tried rewarding good behaviour in the hope that he realises if he behaves then he will get “nice” things. @DustyOwl I would say he is spirited, that’s a good way to describe him. Thank you, I will do that. @MilkCereal No, nothing like this in nursery. In fact in nursery he was quiet shy and I had to encourage him to join in with the other children

Also, don’t be afraid to ask school for help. Ask someone to have you DS while you meet with the teacher or SENCO (or both). Tell them your current approach and ask if they think there’s anything else you could be doing.

I think it’s good the teacher is keeping an eye on him and that there will be consequences if he carries on like this because you have to think of the kids/teachers on the receiving end of his behaviour and how it could affect them.

I’m sure he’s a great kid, we don’t like to hear when our kids are doing wrong and it’s a hard pill to swallow but cooperate with the school and hopefully together you can have him behaving in no time.

Thanks so much for all of the advice so far. You’ve all made good points and I will be trying the things you’ve advised. I’m quite friendly with one of the mums and their child (who my son plays with) came running over to me at home time before I spoke to the teacher and he told me what DS had done. I was mortified as he said it in front of his mum and I just hope this hasn’t put him off being friends with him and that his mum doesn’t want him playing with him anymore.

I just want to say that although being sent to the head is mortifying for a 5 yr old, primary heads tend to be lovely and understand that misbehaving kids are nice people having difficulty doing what they're told rather than criminals in the making! So don't worry about it being harsh it's just another tool for the teacher to use when she's trying to keep control (don't tell DS that).

@InnPain yes I’m glad the teacher is taking this approach. Hopefully that makes him change if he is getting consequences from someone other than his parents. He is a great kid deep down and can be very sweet, kind and caring.

@ThePlantsitter That is good then. He told me that the teacher had shouted at him very loudly for being cheeky to the TA and I said to him that is what will happen if he misbehaves. He didn’t seem phased by this, in fact he found it quite funny

And think about the parent of the kid who was being hit.

Dd has been physically attacked on a few occasions by a kid in her class. Going over a few years.I know the kid has major home issues and the teacher in me realises that dd's life is already much better than his in so many ways.

But the mother in me is having to dampen down the desire to march into school and demand the little scrote gets kicked out.

@TheMoth I have done, and on Monday I’m planning on going over to her and apologising. I have also told DS to apologise to the child. My child is nothing like the one you’re talking about though, it has been a one off occasion and I’ll make sure it never happens again. Sorry for what has happened to your DD and I I’d agree the child is a scrote my child isn’t.

Is the teacher aware that he has an August birthday? If he is younger than the rest of the year group then this may be affecting him (... but the teacher might not realise this).

@bsquared I’m not sure. I know his reception teacher knew as at parents evening she told me she has taken account that he is the youngest in the class so she wasn’t too concerned about his standard of work. I may mention it to her, I just don’t want it to look as if I’m making excuses for him

I'm a TA- from your post I can imagine exactly the sort of boy your DS is because there is always a couple like that.

He sounds like he's got lots of energy, is confident and easily distracted, likes the other boys to think he's funny and not used to being expected to toe the line.

Unless he's given clear boundaries now and you support the school his behaviour could become a problem- if he's turning and round and being silly in the line then these are the times you need to insist he conforms to the school expectations, not just accept that he's a typical silly boy.