Teacher spoke to me yesterday

[Ellee72]

Yesterday at home time DS’s teacher pulled me aside and told me he had a really bad day. He turned 5 at the end of august. She told me that he had been silly, not listening and being cheeky to the teaching assistant. I didn’t ask her to explain what he had actually done (wish I had) but I think I was a little taken aback as this has never happened before. She then told me he had punched another child in the chest at pe and had left red marks. She told me she will be keeping an eye on him from now on and if it happens again he will be sent to the headteacher. I’m so upset, I don’t want him being the class bully and ending up with no friends. In no way am I defending him, in fact I am very angry with him, but I don’t think he’d have done it nastily and set out to hurt him, he’s just very boisterous (I know this doesn’t mean it’s ok) I’m just sad that he’s now going to be watched by his teachers and I’m scared it’s going to happen again and he will get sent to the headteacher. He seems so young for this. I’ve spoken to him and told him keeps his hands to himself and that he listens to the teachers. In the school line at drop off, he’s the only child that is turning the other way, sometimes with his coat over his head. I don’t know if this is just a typical 5 year old boy behaviour? At home, if I ask him to do something I have to ask him several times. If he doesn’t get his own way he will cry. It’s kind of his way or no way. Again, I don’t know if this is just a young child thing. But some days he can be so sweet and does as he is told. Im just very upset at what has happened. Does anyone have any advice or has anyone been through something similar?

@Ellee72 so has he just moved up from Reception to Year One?

@Yogsgirl Thank you point taken. He’s got tonnes of energy and you’re right, he is easily distracted, even at home. I’ve noticed he is always trying to make the other children laugh.

@TwigTheWonderKid yes he’s just gone into year one

It is important that the teacher knows and differentiates for this in her approach. This is not making excuses!

Not listening is completely normal. Pinching other children and being rude to adults is not. I would go in on Monday and say you are experiencing all of these behaviours at home, you are struggling as well and you would like to make a joint plan going forward. I’d make it clear you 100% support the school.

I’d also get him a hearing and optician test to rule out any physical issues meaning he’s struggling to see/hear.

@Ellee72 and was his behaviour a problem in Reception? Have you witnessed any similar behaviour outside school before the new term started? Or does it sound totally out of character?

I'm just asking as while I totally agree he has to understand that hurting other children and being cheeky to adults is not something he can do I think it's important to remember he is only just 5 years old and that at this age still outward behaviour is a sign of how they are feeling inside. My children are older now but I do remember that there was quite a big step up from Reception to Year One in terms of expectations, structure, strictness and having to sit down more and concentrate and it may just be that he's not quite ready for that and is having a hard time adjusting but doesn't know how to ask for help.

@TwigTheWonderKid No, no issues in reception. There was once when the teacher told me she was working on his listening and concentration, and after a month or so she said he had improved. The hitting sounds out of character and so does the being cheeky to the TA, but the silliness and not listening is no surprise to me.

@bsquared

Is the teacher aware that he has an August birthday? If he is younger than the rest of the year group then this may be affecting him (... but the teacher might not realise this).

The teaching staff will know his age and his birthday. It's on his records. We can see it whenever we log into the register/records system- we do this at least twice a day. They'll have almost certainly had a hand over meeting with last year's teaching staff and things like that will come up then too.

There is also a big jump often between reception and year one in terms of expectations. There is more sitting down and doing 'lessons' than continuous provision and independent choice type activities seen in reception.

Whilst many schools will try to bridge the gap this term with more flexible timetables, there will still be many more times when he is expected to sit and listen, and follow instructions to do work at a table, etc.

It also means that some behaviours are much more noticeable compared to during free flow type reception days.

Work alongside school to put boundaries and systems in place, so they are consistent where possible in both school and home. Make sure he knows that you are talking with his teachers, so he knows that you are aware of what happens in school too.

And just keep rewarding every positive thing for now, whilst remaining super firm in things that break your school/home rules.

I have taught 5 year olds for many years. This is completely normal. (I am very fond of feisty children - never fail to entertain). Keep on setting boundaries , keep communicating with school and don't worry about apologizing. Look up the ladder of impending doom invented by a psychologist called Nigel Latta. It's very effective.

Some boys, especially ones who feel they are 'little' compared to some of their peers will use being silly as a way of making friends and fitting in with the other boys in the class. This could be what the hitting incident was about- trying to look tough. I would praise him lots for being grown up and sensible as he might be feeling as if he inadequate to those who can be a whole year older than him.

@shiningcuckoo thank you I will have a look at that.
@Yogsgirl I think you’re right about the whole looking tough/showing off. There is often a group of 4 of them. DS and 3 others. In the playground at pick up and drop off I have sometimes noticed on a few occasions that DS seems to be overlooked sometimes which he then tries to do something/say something silly to get their attention.

Another teacher here. It’s not unheard of for children to hit in Y1 - and it’s not just the boys! Keep up communication with the school, you’re on the same side. Positive reinforcement is the main thing. Catch him doing anything - anything!!! - that’s not destructive and give him lots of praise. If you do hear about hitting I would say something like “We do not hit. That has made me sad.” in a stern voice. If he’s been punished at school I don’t think he needs an additional punishment at home. He’s probably knackered from the higher expectations of Y1 apart from anything else.

It does sound normal to me for a five year old but I do think getting him to listen more at home could be the key. There does need to be a consequence for not doing as he is asked. What does he really like doing ? Maybe take it away after one warning and give it back once he has been good. It's hard for parents to stick to their threats but it's really important that they know you mean what you say and follow through with it no matter how hard they scream ! Try not to worry he is very young

@Ellee72

Thanks for the advice it’s very helpful. *@TwooThirty* No, we have tried reward charts, not letting him have any treats if he’s naughty, the naughty step and none of them make any difference. When I’ve told him he’s not having any treats if he’s misbehaving he sometimes says he doesn’t care. I think this is why I struggle with him because apart from doing all these things, I don’t know what else I can do

Find out what he DOES care about and then punish appropriately. You have to hit them where it hurts - metaphorically of course!

I think reward charts can work for creating good habits like teeth brushing or making your bed but they can be counter productive for bad behaviour causes by lack of impulse control or strong emotions. They never worked on my "difficult" child as he was constantly upset about missing out on reward chart points due to incidents he did not have enough control or insight to stop in time. Consequences need to be immediate and be stern but not dramatic, some kids unconciously come to enjoy the drama and attention, at least in the moment.

@Wbeezer oh yes he definitely loves the attention.