Kids don't want to see their dad

[Ciderandskatesdontmix]

I'm sure it's a topic that's been done to death already, but I'm just not sure what to do.

DD10 and DS8 and have been saying for a few months now that they don't want to go to their dad's house anymore, but have begrudgingly been going. ExDH and I have been divorced for 7 years now and contact has been regular for the most part. I've tried to encourage them to talk to their dad about it, but they're worried that he will be angry with them. They dislike their stepmum and say that she treats them differently to her own children. They say that it's boring at dad's house and they very rarely go anywhere or do anything, mostly stay at home and game.

I'm very careful to try to stay impartial when they talk to me about it. On the whole I don't think exDH is a bad dad (certainly not the best) but I think the bottom line is, they would just rather be at home. I know at some point I won't be able to force them to go, but it's getting increasingly difficult to encourage them to do something that they get little enjoyment or benefit out of. When would you say that kids are old enough to make these decisions for themselves?

Your kids are picking up on this sense and that can be very damaging to them. The feeling of being unwelcome in your own dad's home. I wouldn't want to go either.

I’ve just read this out loud to mine… they thought I’d written it. you are not alone.

My ex is IMPOSSIBLE to talk to - think panic alarms to police station type thing. This WILL be framed as me being an evil bitch intent on keeping his children from him.

Tiresome indeed.

@AlphabetAerobics

I’ve just read this out loud to mine… they thought I’d written it. you are not alone.

My ex is IMPOSSIBLE to talk to - think panic alarms to police station type thing. This WILL be framed as me being an evil bitch intent on keeping his children from him.

Tiresome indeed.

Mine maliciously reported me to social services. 🙄

Oh yes, I’ve had that. SS phoned and said they’d had a report from him and I wasn’t picking up my phone. “Er yeh… not picking up HIS calls”.

Bet money is a factor.. More time with you means more Cms?

Does he ask dc how they feel? Do they struggle telling him what they tell you? I'd reach out to step mum tbh, it sounds like she's become resentful (who wouldn't in her shoes) and get her on board for a family meeting.

No advice, but same here. DD10 doesn't want to go to dad's, doesn't like dad's partner, doesn't feel comfortable in their house and doesn't feel like she can talk to her dad. Exh constantly denies any issues. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Beline4u

Conversations need to be had between kids, dad, stepmum and you. Kids requests need to be accepted. He is a lazy day and now this is his consequence- kids don't feel connected to him. That's on him, the kids feel the unwelcome sense in their environment. I'd listen to my kids, have words with their dad, call a family meeting and discuss.

Kids don't need to be going away or doing something but it sounds like your kids are needing to feel secure in their dad's setting and they're clearly not getting it.

from his point of view, not being in a family environment every day might make it difficult to suddenly make things feels normal at the times he gets to see them.

I know when my parents split up, my dad desperately wanted to spend time with me, but not seeing me for two weeks meant he wasn't up to date with my life. It was awkward for both of us. A middle aged man and a teenage girl don't always have a great deal in common and I really wanted to be hanging out with my friends.

I think any separated family will go through this and it's really important to tackle it head on with open communication.

One solution when I was growing up was to invite my dad to join us for things like going for Sunday lunch. I expect it might have been awkward for him and my mum, but it showed me, as a child, that they both cared about spending time with me and it helped me maintain a good relationship with my dad - something I really value as an adult

Well they came back from their dad's on Sunday with him insisting that he'd spoken to the kids and they are happy with the current arrangements Thank you for all of your comments everyone. I think the best way forward is to meet with him and the kids on neutral ground and discuss it again.

@BonneMaman15

No advice, but same here. DD10 doesn't want to go to dad's, doesn't like dad's partner, doesn't feel comfortable in their house and doesn't feel like she can talk to her dad. Exh constantly denies any issues. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you me? Same here. So difficult.

You need to explain to the DC if they want things to change they need to tell Dad when you meet up or buy writing a note. If they aren't prepared to do that then you cannot advocate for them.

I’m reading this 4 years after it was posted and wondering how it all turned out for the OP or any other people commenting who was going through the same situation. I’m in this situation now with a 9 and 12 year old. Would be interesting to hear how things changed as the DC’s got older…

Exactly
I don't think it's a good idea to give into children when they say they don't want to.go to.other parent unless there is a very good reason.