Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Kids don't want to see their dad

38 replies

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 24/09/2021 18:32

I'm sure it's a topic that's been done to death already, but I'm just not sure what to do.

DD10 and DS8 and have been saying for a few months now that they don't want to go to their dad's house anymore, but have begrudgingly been going. ExDH and I have been divorced for 7 years now and contact has been regular for the most part. I've tried to encourage them to talk to their dad about it, but they're worried that he will be angry with them. They dislike their stepmum and say that she treats them differently to her own children. They say that it's boring at dad's house and they very rarely go anywhere or do anything, mostly stay at home and game.

I'm very careful to try to stay impartial when they talk to me about it. On the whole I don't think exDH is a bad dad (certainly not the best) but I think the bottom line is, they would just rather be at home. I know at some point I won't be able to force them to go, but it's getting increasingly difficult to encourage them to do something that they get little enjoyment or benefit out of. When would you say that kids are old enough to make these decisions for themselves?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/09/2021 18:39

I guess a Cafcass would take their views into account already but I think secondary school it would be more usual.

How often do they go?

Original poster

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 24/09/2021 18:42

They go EOW friday-sunday at the moment.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 24/09/2021 19:44

I would ask your ex to take them out to tea one day per week (have overnight too?) and drop them back on a Saturday evening. Perhaps see if you can switch it to every 3rd weekend?

I think you are going to need to tell your ex that they are very resistant to going and can something different be tried and they would like some proper one to one time with him?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds 8 year olds Families General parenting

CandyLeBonBon · 24/09/2021 19:58

I feel your pain as my three went through this, and they gradually reduced contact over couple of years. My ex is v rigid and they really struggled with him and are basically now refusing to see him.

They're teens now but I always encouraged contact but I guess you reap what you sow.

Suggesting every 3rd week to stay, a weekend day visit and after school dinner or something like that might be a way forward

Original poster

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 24/09/2021 20:54

I've tried asking him to have them for tea one day a week, he won't. He won't do any school drip offs/pick ups even though he has a day off during the week.
He usually works on a Saturday, so his wife looks after them (plus the 2 children they have together) all day. I've suggested that maybe he just has them when he's not working, so I'll have to wait and see what he says to that.

I just want to do what's best for my DC. I just don't want them to look back in the future and wish I'd handled it differently for them.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 24/09/2021 21:05

@Ciderandskatesdontmix

I've tried asking him to have them for tea one day a week, he won't. He won't do any school drip offs/pick ups even though he has a day off during the week. He usually works on a Saturday, so his wife looks after them (plus the 2 children they have together) all day. I've suggested that maybe he just has them when he's not working, so I'll have to wait and see what he says to that.

I just want to do what's best for my DC. I just don't want them to look back in the future and wish I'd handled it differently for them.

Yep. Mine was the same. It sucks doesn't it?

RandomMess · 24/09/2021 21:08

Urgh he's not bothering to be a Dad is he?

Tell him they don't want to spend Saturday with his wife so pick them up Saturday evening after work instead.

If he kicks of about overnights remind him that he's welcome to have them for midweek overnight instead.

Somehow I don't think he'll drag your to court over this too much £ and too much effort when you offer an alternative and he refuses it...

Brollywasntneededafterall · 24/09/2021 21:09

From their dsm's point of view maybe she is resentful she has his 4 dc all weekend...
Not justified on dc feeling unwanted but maybe see her point...

Southernbellenot · 24/09/2021 21:15

Be honest and tell him why.

Pickle2021 · 24/09/2021 21:17

Mmmm hard one. I'm a step parent to two beautiful little kids (😂 there nearly 12 and 15 not so little) and our boy went through a stage of not wanting to come round about 10/11. He hated me with a passion (nothing I did so I suppose that's different) he went through a point of not coming round etc. Said he was bored even though he be doing same thing what he was doing at his mums 🤷🏼‍♀️ - go figure.

I guess it was time that solved it tbh, he suddenly started coming round and we have a good relationship. He is now coming to point though he rather be with his mates then us, and we have accepted that we have just asked if he comes for dinner at least either the Friday or Saturday 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not sure why I told you this 😂 kind of rambled a bit 😂

Is there a court order in place?

Pickle2021 · 24/09/2021 21:26

I think it depends on cafcass in regards whether they are "mature" enough to make that decision.

Generally unless there is a significant reasoning involved courts will say both parents should be seen on a regular basis and usually its dad every other weekend Saturday to Sunday.

Maybe suggest cutting it down? So they don't have to stay 2 nights?

MrsWooster · 24/09/2021 21:49

“I just want to do what's best for my DC. I just don't want them to look back in the future and wish I'd handled it differently for them”
This stands out. Make sure they know that you are hearing what they say, that they know you will be their advocate-even if your ex prevails and forces them to maintain existing pattern of contact, they will know that they had a safe parent who at least tried and honoured their feelings.

Original poster

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 25/09/2021 08:34

@brollywasntneededafterall I can totally understand why she might feel resentful at having 2 extra kids to look after. I think it would be better all round if they only went on days where their dad is actually going to be there, now I just have to get him to agree to it.

I think a reluctance to go to their dads is inevitable as they get older tbh. Half the time Dd doesn't want to be around me, but at least here she has her own space. At her dad's she has to share with 3 siblings.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 25/09/2021 08:35

No court order in place ATM.

OP posts:

Pickle2021 · 25/09/2021 10:01

As no court order, you can kind of set the terms so to speak.

Maybe as someone suggested try just letting them go round when dad's around and do one night every couple weeks? (or when dad isn't working)

RandomMess · 25/09/2021 11:02

Could they have plans on a Friday evening/Saturday morning so could they collect Saturday evening?

That could be a less confrontational way of it happening and also explore if that's enough for the DC to be happier about going?

janebam · 25/09/2021 11:43

how bizarre that instead of suggesting talking to the dad, some of you immediately launch in with talk about cafcass and court orders.

are you all completely mad?

what happened to TALKING?

RandomMess · 25/09/2021 12:13

Well he refuses to do any school drop offs or pick ups, refuses to have them on his time off during the week, has them when he is at work on a Saturday.

Doesn't seem like the easiest guy to talk to tbh...

Original poster

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 25/09/2021 13:47

No he's not the easiest guy to talk to. This will all be framed by him as me trying to keep the kids away from him, rather than him attempting to understand why the DC feel the way that they do. Tbh I'll gladly take the blame if it makes the DC happier, I don't want to see them crying because it's his weekend with them.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2021 07:48

@Ciderandskatesdontmix

I'm going through the exact same thing with my ExH, op. Mine said they don't feel they can talk to him, so asked me to advocate and see if we can smooth things over and apparently this is me controlling him through the children. His first thought isnt 'oh no, my kids don't feel they can talk to me, how can I change that?' It's 'you're trying to control me you evil bitch, it's all your fault'.

It's so tiresome.

spotcheck · 26/09/2021 08:09

Maybe have a conversation with him.
Thing is, if you try and get them to go, then you are enabling his poor parenting.

Buttetflybookkeeper · 26/09/2021 08:13

How is your relationship with the step mum?

I'm thinking about going at it from different angle. As others have said, she has been well and truly dumped on by your ex by the sounds of it. How does she feel about the situation? Perhaps if both of you are in his ear about the same problem, he might be more encouraged to make the change?

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2021 08:13

@janebam

how bizarre that instead of suggesting talking to the dad, some of you immediately launch in with talk about cafcass and court orders.

are you all completely mad?

what happened to TALKING?

Some just refuse to talk. It's really hard work!

Beline4u · 26/09/2021 08:22

Conversations need to be had between kids, dad, stepmum and you.
Kids requests need to be accepted. He is a lazy day and now this is his consequence- kids don't feel connected to him. That's on him, the kids feel the unwelcome sense in their environment. I'd listen to my kids, have words with their dad, call a family meeting and discuss.

Kids don't need to be going away or doing something but it sounds like your kids are needing to feel secure in their dad's setting and they're clearly not getting it.

Original poster

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 26/09/2021 08:26

My relationship with exDH wife is non existent. We exchange pleasantries when required, but that's about it. In the beginning my DC seemed to get on well with her and she seemed to be quite involved (think doing homework with them) but things have definitely cooled off over the past few years (not that I blame her).

I don't even really understand why he wants them there so much when he doesn't even appear to do anything with them. I suspect that it's more of a keeping up appearances than anything else.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2