My husband ignores our toddler

[Infp1987]

My toddler is nearly 2 and my husband hardly speaks to him. I'm worried that his language will be affected because I'm his only source of language at home. I need to pretty much dictate to my husband what to say to our toddler as well as what not to say. My husband ignores our toddler when he tries to speak and I have to prompt him to listen to our child. He doesn't include our child in converstation ever, unprompted.

My toddler pronounces car like "arrr" and my husband copies him instead of teaching him the word 'car'. This is almost exclusively how my husabnds interacts with our toddler and only after I've asked him to speak to him.

It's like my husband thinks our child is a pet and doesn't understand his responsibility to teach our child how to speak. I feel a bit like a ventriloquist. At bedtime, I have to whisper to my husband, "Ok now say, I love you, night night"

I feel like a single parent who has to figure out how to be a dad too and how to chanel that through my husband without being patronising to him or upsetting him.

I've tried saying nothing and my husband completely stops parenting and leaves everything up to me. I've had many conversations with him about it and he says that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to our child becuase that's what he is used to with his own parents (they are extremely closed off people). And he feels like becuase I'm so experienced with children, he doesn't want to get it wrong. He doesn't have any experience with kids what so ever and I have worked with children and young people for 14 years and have many young family members. So there is clearly an imbalance in experience. I just don't know how to help him feel comfortable.

I would like to know if anyone else has had a similar issue and if there are any ideas about how I can help my husband overcome this block and be more comfortable talking to our child.

Thank you

Well he sounds utterly fucking useless as a father, and not a great husband if he is leaving you to shoulder the burden.

I'd just say "you are a dad. This is your job. This is the most important job. Are you allowed to be this useless at work?"

I think men get more comfortable with toddlers when the child is a bit older. When the DC can talk, interact and relate to his df it will be easier, especially if they can bond over football, toy cars, Lego, boy things. Don't worry. It's early days.

@Dillydollydingdong

I think men get more comfortable with toddlers when the child is a bit older. When the DC can talk, interact and relate to his df it will be easier, especially if they can bond over football, toy cars, Lego, boy things. Don't worry. It's early days.

Lazy men.

@Dillydollydingdong

I think men get more comfortable with toddlers when the child is a bit older. When the DC can talk, interact and relate to his df it will be easier, especially if they can bond over football, toy cars, Lego, boy things. Don't worry. It's early days.

I suppose he gets a free pass of not being a dad for the first few years then.

OP you need to go away for a weekend and leave him to find his feet with his child, so he won’t feel uncomfortable ( justified or not)

Would he be open to doing a parenting course so he can learn how to be comfortable rather than leaving it all to you? There are usually plenty of things available via the health visitor service.

This would really break my heart OP, I’m sorry,

He's a lazy fucking cunt. Does he do anything with his son, mealtimes, bedtime, bathtimes? Was he a lazy fucker before you had DS? Id be reading him the riot act, shape up or fuck off.

At nearly 2 his speech sounds normal - my 3yo still has letters he doesn't say.

It's not great your DH doesn't speak much to him, but parroting his baby talk back to him isn't harmful as such.

Did he want a child? Has he seriously got no interest at all in his own child - sounds utterly useless as a parent I'm afraid.

Let him take over reading to DC, it gives him a 'job' to do that he can't 'mess up' might give home more confidence and gets him used to talking to your DC.

I guess if someone has never been around children it could be difficult but he doesn't get to opt out just because you can do it he needs to learn as he would any job.

@Dillydollydingdong

I think men get more comfortable with toddlers when the child is a bit older. When the DC can talk, interact and relate to his df it will be easier, especially if they can bond over football, toy cars, Lego, boy things. Don't worry. It's early days.

The child's two. My DD is the same age and can have fairly detailed conversations.

There's no excuse for me being able to bond at a certain age.

He's a father. If he doesn't know how to interact with toddlers, he needs to learn.

Ignoring them is not an option. Talking to them is the only option.

OP, tell him he's clearly unhappy with the way his parents interacted with him and he needs to step up and change that pattern of behaviour.
It's his job (and yours of course) to show your child the ways of the world.
Conversation is so important.

Bloody hell, men don't generally find it difficult to interact with their children until they are older.

As others have said he is being lazy and letting you down as a parent and as a husband. I think the question about whether he would be allowed to be so useless at work is a really great question. He had identified that he has not had a great example of parenting and so he should be doing whatever he can to improve and not pass on his issues.

He should probably have some time alone with your child so he can parent without feeling 'watched'.

I second the idea that bedtime stories should be his job. My husband and son really bonded over that time together. My son actually now has a northern accent from my husband despite me being southern and spending 12 hours a day with him! Story time is really valuable time.

I feel so angry on your behalf. And also angry at you for making excuses for him and seeing it as your responsibility to make him more comfortable.
This is not normal behaviour… either your husband has something seriously wrong with him cognitively, or he is just a lazy and can’t be bothered to be a parent.

I don’t have experience with children and neither does my husband…. We still talk to our baby!

Do you ever have time away from your child? Maybe you need to have some so your DH can “learn” how to speak to his own son.

And he feels like becuase I'm so experienced with children, he doesn't want to get it wrong

Maybe I’m wrong but that just comes off as an excuse. How can he get it wrong? It’s just talking and obviously if you have sense you know what not to talk about.

I’m sorry you have this issue. You’ve tried talking to him. Have you told him you feel like a single parent?

@Dillydollydingdong

I think men get more comfortable with toddlers when the child is a bit older. When the DC can talk, interact and relate to his df it will be easier, especially if they can bond over football, toy cars, Lego, boy things. Don't worry. It's early days.

Not true at all.

I know this from my older brothers, my nephews, my partner, my male friends, my male colleagues, etc.

The OP husband is just shit.

Those saying men don’t find it as easy to bond with younger children, complete bollocks. If my DH can manage to be interested in his DD then all men can, they just choose not to. Or don’t ask for help, obviously it’s not easy being a parent.
OP - have you talked to him? Said he needs to do more? Maybe he could have some 1 on 1 time. Lots of dad groups run on a Saturday morning, maybe he could take your LO to one and it would throw him in a bit.

As well as reading to him every night your "D"H can take him to a nearby playground on his own at least every other week then push him on the swings and get him go on the slide.

Oh and if your son is still in nappies make sure your "D"H has a changing bag with him. He can change him near a tree/bush. If he is being potty trained he can take a potable potty.

If it is raining but not heavy they need to wear waterproof clothes and wellies.

@RedMarauder

As well as reading to him every night your "D"H can take him to a nearby playground on his own at least every other week then push him on the swings and get him go on the slide.

Oh and if your son is still in nappies make sure your "D"H has a changing bag with him. He can change him near a tree/bush. If he is being potty trained he can take a potable potty.

If it is raining but not heavy they need to wear waterproof clothes and wellies.

My husband also used to take our son to speech therapy and got really invested in that being his thing. Then when we got discharged from that, we swapped to Playball lessons.

I think it's good for parents to have individual time with the children.

Hmmm he's either an arse, or like op says, his own parents could have impacted on how he is with his own child. I agree that they need time alone - book them a swimming session, buy them a toy to build/use together, and go to the library as a family, choose some books and have your DH read to him. It could be a confidence issue, it could be because he literally doesn't know what to do/say - but he needs a shove to help address it. I agree a parenting course or something would help too.

Well that makes for very sad reading. Your poor son.

I think your DH sounds like he could benefit from some therapy. Unlearning what his parents taught him.

I agree with @HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime and @Pantsomime. Putting your DH in a situation where he’s solely in charge, be it reading, or because you’re absent for a while, could help him to build the bond and figure out how to communicate with his son.
Try a bit of “tough love” and put him in situations where he can chat to your toddler. Regarding speech development, I think your DS will be fine if you’re chatting to him and engaging with him. Children growing up with parents seem to get along fine, so I’d strike that off your worry list.

Hmm I don’t think you should be telling him what to say or how to talk to your son. If he’s repeating what he’s saying back to him and putting him to bed he hardly sounds dreadful, maybe just that he hasn’t had the chance to find his own way with being a parent yet? I’d do more stuff on your own and leave them to it and let them find their own way.

‘The book you wish your parents had read…’ by Philippa Perry might help him reflect on his childhood and how to make changes for the better