My husband ignores our toddler

[Infp1987]

My toddler is nearly 2 and my husband hardly speaks to him. I'm worried that his language will be affected because I'm his only source of language at home. I need to pretty much dictate to my husband what to say to our toddler as well as what not to say. My husband ignores our toddler when he tries to speak and I have to prompt him to listen to our child. He doesn't include our child in converstation ever, unprompted.

My toddler pronounces car like "arrr" and my husband copies him instead of teaching him the word 'car'. This is almost exclusively how my husabnds interacts with our toddler and only after I've asked him to speak to him.

It's like my husband thinks our child is a pet and doesn't understand his responsibility to teach our child how to speak. I feel a bit like a ventriloquist. At bedtime, I have to whisper to my husband, "Ok now say, I love you, night night"

I feel like a single parent who has to figure out how to be a dad too and how to chanel that through my husband without being patronising to him or upsetting him.

I've tried saying nothing and my husband completely stops parenting and leaves everything up to me. I've had many conversations with him about it and he says that he doesn't feel comfortable talking to our child becuase that's what he is used to with his own parents (they are extremely closed off people). And he feels like becuase I'm so experienced with children, he doesn't want to get it wrong. He doesn't have any experience with kids what so ever and I have worked with children and young people for 14 years and have many young family members. So there is clearly an imbalance in experience. I just don't know how to help him feel comfortable.

I would like to know if anyone else has had a similar issue and if there are any ideas about how I can help my husband overcome this block and be more comfortable talking to our child.

Thank you

Thank you so much for your responces.

I think he definitely sees it more as 'my' job. So I will definitely be asking him how he would score his work performance if he was being paid to parent!

He is very dutiful but he does have to be told rather than taking any initiative.

He did want a child but I do sometimes question if he really understands what that entails.

Reading to him and taking him out are great ideas that can be done everyday, so thank you!

Feel like I've had a bit of a wake up call today... It really isn't acceptable for him to shy away from his responsibilities just because I'm more experienced. I'm terrified it could effect the bond between my husband and son. I grew up feeling like my mum didn't love me and my worst nightmare is for my child to ever have that even so much as cross his beautiful little mind.

I didn't have any experience with children when I had my daughter but somehow I managed to be a parent. If he really does feel as clueless as he claims he can read some parenting books but it really shouldn't be that hard.

Thing he’s getting it wrong now, by doing nothing and leaving it to you.

You need the conversation now about what kind of family he wants. Does he want his kids to look up to him and be hands on and love spending time with them or does he want to watch them growing up looking to you for everything and regret not stepping up when he could (now) and become a real dad. its quite sad as I’m sure he could be a lovely dad if he just let go and immersed himself. Toddlers can be such delightful little people, they bring such joy (& frustration sometimes) but he needs to try with your son. Sitting back is such lazy behaviour, life is hard at times, doesn’t he look back and wish his parents were better? Does he want that life for his own child.

It’s a difficult conversation to have but as you’re doing it all with your son anyway. You’d be as well doing it alone which is sad for your son, you and your husband.

@Dillydollydingdong

I think men get more comfortable with toddlers when the child is a bit older. When the DC can talk, interact and relate to his df it will be easier, especially if they can bond over football, toy cars, Lego, boy things. Don't worry. It's early days.

Then they are inadequate buggers who need to make more of an effort. No adult relates naturally to a 2 year old, we're all trying. OP is clearly wondering why her child's father is incapable. He's not, he's just not trying.

Has he not proactively sought out help on how to stop being a failure? Parenting courses, educated himself on child development or basic parenting? He needs to fix this immediately.

He needs one on one time with the DC. Has he ever got sole charge if him? Leave them alone for 6 hours once week. Go somewhere you have no phone signal. He'll learn.

I don’t have any experience to offer but couldn’t read & run as this seems such an odd situation- I agree your DH needs to step up & this might well mean you forcing some responsibility on him.

I wondered if there was some scheduled activity they could do together- for example a toddler library group or how about a physical activity like a parent+child gym class or something. Definitely I think time alone is a must so he can build confidence and get comfortable interacting with DC. Does he seem nervous/stressed/unhappy about this issue? I wondered if he’s saying to you ‘I feel useless etc’ or is he oblivious to the situation?? I suggested a scheduled activity group or class because then he can’t back out of doing it.

Another idea I had was making him do story time!!! This would force more dialogue, questions and the words might flow easier from a page. It gives them time together with some verbal interaction.

If he is saying openly ‘I’ve got no confidence with him etc’ then perhaps some parenting classes or things you could do all together. Good luck xxx

(Apologies if reading already mentioned..I skim read the thread!!)

Husband has read books with our DS since he was tiny and definitely didn't have a clue what the words were. He's also always done bathtime and has been left for periods with DS without me since about 3 mo- for my sanity as much as anything else.
There are many things men can do with children, from birth. OP DH needs to step up