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Original poster

Pressured to leave my 11 week old

37 replies

RtIou · 17/09/2021 11:17

I’m being pressured to leave my 11 week old LG by my husband and his parents. Now she is a challenging baby reflux cries alot so it has been stressful. However I am still not really to leave her. My husband parents constantly ask more so his dad and make snide comments about how overattached I am and how I’ll never let them have the baby (which ironically makes me never want to let them have her!)

She does nap great and gets overtired very quickly and when we have taken her around to the in laws and I’ve allowed them to take the baby whilst I’m there and asked them to try and nap her as she’s tired they will say to me that I’m being overprotective and will say she’s doesn’t want to sleep she wants to look around and will proceed to walk her around and stimulate her. Which results in an awful time for us when we eventually get her home. This has now resulted in arguments with myself and my husband as he thinks I’m being unreasonable! Am I?

Also to note I don’t feel ready to leave her with anyone atm not even my own parents!

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Original poster
RtIou · 17/09/2021 11:18

Sorry meant doesn’t nap great

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 17/09/2021 11:22

Not at all,

DS2 is 15 months, until I returned to work when he was 9 months he'd not been left with anyone.

He is your baby, not their doll.

ShowOfHands · 17/09/2021 11:24

Let them have her?!

She's a human baby, not a plaything. This would piss me off no end.

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Pissinthepottyplease · 17/09/2021 11:25

You need to tell your DH that he needs to stop and support you otherwise he is going to drive a wedge between you and your PIL. It’s entirely normal for a mother to not want to leave her tiny baby and your baby certainly is tiny.

Binjob118 · 17/09/2021 11:25

Your husband should back you on this. Are you breastfeeding? Either way, you are her main carer and you can't be 'overattached' to your own child ffs!!
The first few months are tricky. Your in-laws will have years to have your little girl when she is older.

GammyLeg · 17/09/2021 11:35

Of course you’re not being unreasonable- you’re being the opposite. Your instincts are right, a tiny baby needs their mother.

Why on earth do they want alone time with such a small baby? It’s a tiny human adjusting to the world, not a puppy!

Tell your DH to make them step off. Show him this thread if you need to.

HowYouDoinnn · 17/09/2021 11:36

11 months is tiny, I feel for you. It's hard but set your boundaries early on.

HowYouDoinnn · 17/09/2021 11:36

Sorry 11 weeks*

Original poster
RtIou · 17/09/2021 11:45

Exactly. I mean it’s their first grandchild so I kind of understand they’re eager but she’s not going anywhere! Plus she has carobel in her milk for the reflux and that makes me extra anxious about the thought of leaving her as I worry others won’t or might forget to make her bottle up right and then she will be in pain again. I’m not saying I won’t leave her because obviously I will have to but just not yet. I’ll have to speak to my husband as it really is causing a lot of arguments! Thank you all! X

OP posts:
Bitofachinwag · 17/09/2021 11:48

Not sure why they assume they will ever "have her ". Of course it would be lovely for the grandparents and grandchildren to,spend time together, but they make it sound like you have a duty to hand her over when they want.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 17/09/2021 11:56

This is your special time with your very young baby.

My DH didn’t understand and asked a female friend to ask me out for girls drinks when DD was about 8 weeks! I think your DH is new to this too. In my circles it wouldn’t be normal to expect a new mum to leave her baby for a good while, he needs to understand this and back you. At the moment he probably just thinks that you are being difficult.

Florin · 17/09/2021 11:56

My parents were like this, insisted I had to leave him with them in the first 2 weeks or he would be clingy for life. We said no as neither of us were ready. We left him at 6 months after he went to sleep for the night (he slept though by then) at 6 months but it didn’t feel right so left it a while until we did it again. We didn’t leave him awake with anyone until he was nearly 3 and then very rarely. He didn’t have his first over night away from us until he was nearly 5 as in 5 years old. He is extremely close to both dh and I but also the least clingy and super confident child you have ever met. When he was 8 he was allowed to board at school (only one night at a time, basically a big play date and sleep over with his mates) he skipped in with no worries and adores it. Do what you feel is right and don’t feel pressurised, she is your baby not theirs.

peboh · 17/09/2021 12:20

You just have to stay firm. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. You don't need any reason to give them, just say no. Tell your husband he needs to have your back on this, and support you as his wife and the mother of his child.

Original poster
RtIou · 17/09/2021 12:44

Thank you all I’ve also tried to explain that this is my time with her if you like as I’ll be going back to work full time so these are my 9 months to spend as much time with her as I can!

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 17/09/2021 12:47

Stand your ground. We didn't leave ds until he was 16 months.

stillsleeptraining · 17/09/2021 12:59

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. But saying that, I left DS for a couple of hours about this age and it was amazing and very important for me. I’d had a really awful pregnancy and difficult newborn phase and it was amazing to walk around without a baby in me or on me

PennyWus · 17/09/2021 13:08

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Especially as you pretty much know they won't respect your wishes regarding nap routines. It is the WORST when GPs just want the baby as a plaything and don't remember what it is like having a new born.
And when they try and depict you as some kind of lunatic new mother, often there is scepticism about things like reflux and sleep schedules. My own mother used to be horrified when I said my lively baby was over tired - but then the baby would nap for a few hours and return relaxed and happy, instead of a whingey, gripey mess of a baby and shed say "oh maybe the nap was a good idea".

I would be very tempted to say to your PiL in s very cheerful voice, "look, you don't seem to understand the baby's napping schedule. I'm not certain you are sympathetic to his reflux and the necessity of managing that well, so we all get a reasonable night's sleep. And whenever I express my doubts, you make comments and fire up my DP to nag me, which is causing me problems at home. Honestly, I don't feel I want to leave the baby with anyone yet. My baby, my choice. I am grateful that you want to spend time with the baby, and I'm happy to visit and you can take the baby while I'm here. But I'm not leaving the baby with you yet. To save us all some uncomfortable conversations, please just let me do this my way, and I will tell you when I'm ready."

discombobulatedonion · 18/09/2021 07:59

I was pressured to leave my son with my (then) in-laws at about 6 weeks old. I regret it still and he’s 3 now. Do not give in if you’re not ready. If your husband keeps pushing it, tell him to piss off.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 18/09/2021 08:21

What would they rather have? A Mum who wasn't attached to her baby and happy to leave it with anyone?

Agree with the others, develop a thick skin abs tell your DH that he needs to bank you up on this one. It's a tiny human not their plaything.

GoodnightGrandma · 18/09/2021 08:24

I never left my babies/children with my in-laws, ever.
I would leave my baby/children with my dad for two hours while I nipped out for a quick film or meal.
You will leave your baby with who you feel comfortable with, when you’re ready.

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 18/09/2021 08:30

My son had his first sleepover at grans at 4 weeks old, I must be a bad mum. I loved my little baby but we were grateful for a good nights sleep.

He's had a sleep over every Friday since then at grans he's 5 now and loves being picked up after school to go to grans.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 18/09/2021 08:36

My son had his first sleepover at grans at 4 weeks old, I must be a bad mum.

I think there's a world of difference between leaving a baby with someone you love and trust and a situation where you are being pressured to leave them against your better judgement Smile

When I made a comment about Mums leaving them anywhere, I was think big more of Tracey Barlow where she had some many people looking after her baby they realised after a while that she never looked after the baby herself Grin

Flopsie21 · 18/09/2021 08:38

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable they are!

Flittingaboutagain · 18/09/2021 08:44

It's such a personal decision and for breastfeeding mums just isn't something on your radar at all anyway. In fact it's usually just stressful to have to think about how baby would be without the boobs! I think they're being really selfish. It's your baby not a toy for entertainment.

BeeDavis · 18/09/2021 08:57

I think if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready and that’s fair enough! Grandparents just want to be able to form a relationship but they’re going about it the wrong way, probably just frustrated! I’m due in 2 weeks and we have a night away (already booked) when baby will be around 8 weeks and honestly I couldn’t be more happy to leave them with my mum she’s so excited I don’t think we had a choice about going 🤣 but I know it will be good for us! And the baby I want them to bond with family. Just take small steps.