How do you get 'me time' with a one year old?

[guac]

I wake up when he wakes up, go to sleep when he goes to sleep, and in between I'm taking care of him or in future I'll be at work. Where does the me time come in? Husband finishes work close to baby's bedtime and works 6 days a week. Is 'me time' pretty much non existent until my child is significantly older?

I do in the evenings (when they go to bed ok) but that is by sacrificing energy for it.

When mine were that age they'd wake, a lot at night so is have rubbish sleep but i did stay up a lot so I be felt like i could have some child free time. I was just very tired

If your partner works during the week then they can take over for half a day in the weekend for you to sleep/go out/see a friend.
I put my kids in all day nursery for a couple days a week. It saved my sanity.

It’ll be ok...he’ll likely drop the first nap soon and go for one longer deeper one. Fingers crossed!

Weekends? Can your partner take him out for a couple of hours one day at the weekend?
Mine went to bed at 7ish at that age so I had evenings. Now they’re older they don’t go to bed until 8.30ish so I have less me time now!

Then you can put your feet up!

You negotiate time off with your husband - so if he had one day off work, you get a lie in that morning and a couple of hours 'off'.

With the 30 minute naps - could you just sneak in around the 30 minute mark, settle him when he wakes, then go out again?

Every Sunday we do family things etc together but in the late afternoon my husband takes our daughter out a lonnnnggg walk to the park, visit his parents, do some daddy daughter bonding. They are gone a good few hours. I make Sunday dinner but can also listen to some podcasts/ lie on the couch and watch trash tv/go for a nap/ go for a bath, it’s absolute bliss. Could you work out something like this? You really need time to unwind without a 1 year old attached to you before you go insane.

I always prioritised an hour to myself over a longer lie in the morning, so dealt with the 6am wake up time as I could put her to bed at 7ish and have a couple of hours to myself or with Dh. I used to lie in the bath watching sky go on my phone and it was bliss 😂

It's hard though when they are little. Dd wouldn't nap if she wasn't on me so I couldn't do anything even when she napped.

How involved is DH? Can he not help out at weekends?

I started DS at nursery two months before I went back to work - partly so I could do the whole settling in thing without the stress of work. But it was glorious.

I used to contact nap. I wake when DS wakes in the morning, even though I naturally prefer to wake up earlier, because he wakes whenever I get up and he's miserable if he wakes too early. I understand.

What I would suggest, however, is letting one of the naps be 30 minutes so you can AT LEAST have a hot cup of tea by yourself each day (don't do housework or work work or life admin, seeing as if you'd stayed with him you wouldn't be doing it anyway).

AND/OR plan to do SOMETHING for yourself at least one evening a week. Meet a friend (or even just call/facetime one), start a crafty hobby, do a free online course in something that interests you, read if you don't much already, plan to watch a film, take a bath, go for a run, etc. I often fall into the "just get into bed and scroll until I fall asleep" trap, and its fine most of the time so long as I also take one evening to force myself to do something different.

When DH isn't working, he takes DS out for a couple of hours to the park etc and I'll meet a friend for brunch or go swimming alone or just stay home and watch a trashy movie in bed. It makes the world of difference. I don't do the same regularly for DH, honestly, but usually every 4-6 weeks I'll take DS and stay at my mums for a few days to a week so that I can see family etc, so he gets all the time he isn't working on those days (he's self employed and weekends mean nothing to his job, but he often takes days or mornings "off" when we aren't there specifically to have "me time" which I support because it is so important!).

I used to take my daughter places I’d want to go sometimes and she’d come along for the ride. We’d sometimes go to the nearest city and i’d push her in the pram while I enjoyed people watching and looking at the buildings or round a museum or something. Then to a cafe for lunch, hot coffee for me then home. It wasn’t ideal “me” time but it was something I enjoyed doing and I think she enjoyed the change of scene.

Once he goes to nursery/preschool you will have a few hours to play with- depending on the hours you work of course.
Other than that, me time only happens when mine are being looked after by my mum who doesn't live very close by

Does your husband need to work such long hours 6 days a week? It doesn't sound sustainable long term. One or both of you are likely to burn out. Particularly once you go back to work.

For you I'd focus on the diet or try to get blood tests but seriously I'd have a conversation about how long the current situation is manageable for.

Im totally the same go to sleep when he does etc so no me time which is hard but I keep thinking as he gets older it will get easier.

So depressed by all these responses stating husbands do a few hours of childcare on their day off, if that - one poster even saying she had to plan the activities for her DH! OP you are also working full-time providing childcare. All time your DH is home the childcare and housework should be split 50 50. What time does he get back from work, can he do dinner and bedtimes? On his day off can he take your son out for the day or at least the morning or afternoon? It's so unfair that you are seemingly on duty 24/7.
Also think you should put your son in nursery or with a childminder a little bit if you can afford it. They would be able to sort his napping out and it would be be lovely socialisation for him and rest for you. If you are more rested and happier then your son will be happier too. Looking after your own needs is so important. Good luck

Sorry just seen the but that says your husband doesn't finish work in time to do bedtimes. What about mornings? Could he at least get up with your son, do any morning stuff so you can get a lie in or a cup or tea by yourself?

Sorry final thought! Do activities in the day that you enjoy so that everything is not built around your son. Can you go visit places that have something that's nice/interesting for you but also fun for him even if it's just space to run around in? Can you do playdates with nice friends? I love watching live music and doing singing for instance and my son has always loved doing that with me. Or certain museums and galleries, or national trust properties work well. And pub gardens!

An earlier bedtime does not necessarily mean and earlier wake up time. I would try a 7pm bedtime for a could of weeks and see how it goes. He may not wake up any earlier than he does now. Then at least you have your evenings free. As they grow you'll get more and more free time. Book in some dates with friends/child free events away from home and leave DH to the sole childcare for a while. Even just half a day will make a difference.

And as PP has said, not everything you do has to be child orientated. If you want to wander round the shop, museum, go to a cafe or whatever take your child with you. Pack snacks and toys to keep them entertained. I found parenting much less of a chore if I sometimes got to do stuff that I wanted to do.

I didn't get any until mine was 2.5 and started nursery. It was 24/7, 365 days a year. Very tough.

However I have friends who were enjoying days/nights out and allowing grandparents to babysit overnight from a few weeks old!

So it really depends on how much family help you have available.

@mswales

So depressed by all these responses stating husbands do a few hours of childcare on their day off, if that - one poster even saying she had to plan the activities for her DH! OP you are also working full-time providing childcare. All time your DH is home the childcare and housework should be split 50 50. What time does he get back from work, can he do dinner and bedtimes? On his day off can he take your son out for the day or at least the morning or afternoon? It's so unfair that you are seemingly on duty 24/7. Also think you should put your son in nursery or with a childminder a little bit if you can afford it. They would be able to sort his napping out and it would be be lovely socialisation for him and rest for you. If you are more rested and happier then your son will be happier too. Looking after your own needs is so important. Good luck

My DH doesn’t get any “Me” time either-he actually gets less than me! He works shifts and does all the nursery pick ups whilst I’m still at work (I do drop offs), does all the cleaning, gardening/DIY and most cooking. I do laundry, shopping and finances/admin and a bit of cooking. With us both working different patterns we barely get any time together (only Saturdays after lunch and late evenings for an hour) let alone any time on our own!

As others have said I think trying to instigate a 7pm bedtime and trying that for a good couple of weeks may help. Perhaps you pull it forwards gradually, 15mins a day? It sounds to me as though your baby may be tired as 10.5hrs at night and 1 hour of naps seems low? You could also try some sleep training if your baby can’t self settle for naps - if not having any time to yourself is really getting you down this may feel worth it? I was contact napping for the first 6 months of my DD’s life and it was so draining. It was 3x. 30mins contact naps. Suddenly when she started self settling and sleeping in her cot for naps that went to two naps of 1hr and 2-2.5hrs. This may not be normal or what may happen for you but it did seem to make a significant difference for us

Is he ready to go to 1 nap? That would probably lengthen the nap time and give you time to do something during that time. I used to do a workout in DS' naptime most days after a quick whizz round the house doing any housework.

DH and I take it in turns to do things out of the house - so Mondays I go to Pilates, Tuesdays he goes for a run. We get occasional babysitting from family but it's mostly just us muddling through.

Get your husband to have the baby on his day off while you meet a friend for lunch or go to the hairdresser etc? Get him to take some annual leave while you are still on maternity. Do you have family who could watch baby while you go somewhere together? Regular me time won't be a thing right now i'm afraid but you can arrange the occasional break.

We did the little ones sleep training so I got 2 hours at lunch time - worth every penny.

Also, a couple of days a week I would have something easy for dinner and have it in the oven so OH could get it whenever he wanted. I went off to another room just to chill on my own for an hour or two.

It sounds mad - but pick a set time one night a week and do it. If you wait for spare time you will never get it. You need to create it! Laundry and chores can wait until the next day - just say you're not doing it then and chill and relax. Xx

@mswales

So depressed by all these responses stating husbands do a few hours of childcare on their day off, if that - one poster even saying she had to plan the activities for her DH! OP you are also working full-time providing childcare. All time your DH is home the childcare and housework should be split 50 50. What time does he get back from work, can he do dinner and bedtimes? On his day off can he take your son out for the day or at least the morning or afternoon? It's so unfair that you are seemingly on duty 24/7. Also think you should put your son in nursery or with a childminder a little bit if you can afford it. They would be able to sort his napping out and it would be be lovely socialisation for him and rest for you. If you are more rested and happier then your son will be happier too. Looking after your own needs is so important. Good luck

Why is it depressing? I was one of the ones suggesting her DH take the baby out for a couple of hours at the weekend… this doesn’t mean I don’t think he should be doing 50:50 when he’s around. Normally when someone is working out of the house 6 days a week and leaves when the baby is still asleep and get home when he’s in bed, a family would spend the ‘day off’ together (in my experience). Which is lovely, but even with him doing 50% on that day doesn’t give her much ‘me time’. Taking the baby out for a couple of hours would give her a bit of time. My DH does far more than 50% when he’s not working, but that doesn’t mean he has the children out of the house on his own for all of that time. Weird to think that if a partner isn’t taking the baby out on his own for half the weekend would mean he’s not doing 50:50 care on his days off.