What are we doing wrong?

[FTEngineerM]

This maybe long, but thank you if you make it to the end. We’re despairing a bit and have no idea where we’re going wrong.

I will admit I’m more emotional than usually but I feel so upset that we’re getting ‘parenting’ so wrong and it’s our most important job to date. Our DC is 15m and has been getting more and more.. I don’t know.. frantic?

It’s sort of come to a head in my mind today and we need to change something. He is so so so so incredibly ‘into everything’ but also nothing at the same time. Every day consists of a morning activity and an afternoon one with lunch and a nap at home. So for today as an example:

6:00 up
6:30 breakfast
8:00 out to park
11:00 back from park
11:15 - 12:15 nap
12:30 lunch down DGPs
15:00 left DGPs and went to other DGPs
17:00 home and tea
18:00 bath
18:30 sleep

So for the times we’re at home: between 6am and 8am he is like a whirlwind just throwing toys/books around, if you ask him to get you a book to read he’ll bring it then throw it. There’s a climbing frame in the living room which he plays on for a few minutes max. Between 5-6pm he’s the same, frantically looking for something to destroy or rip apart, he’ll bang and rattle anything that moves slightly. He’ll clear shelves, drag things down off the table/counter top of he can see it. We’ve bought him 3 toys this week we thought he’d love based on what he plays with e.g. buckles and straps so we bought a pillow with lots of different types of buckles to fiddle with. He just threw it, even when we sit and show him how to play with it he isn’t interested. Same with a busy board type thing, he loves intricate little details on things like zips, light switches and so on but this, nope. It’s just a board full of things that he plays with around the house but he isn’t interested in it. Just stood on it and bent one of the doors.

When we were up DGPs (2nd) they brought out two boxes of animal figures and toys and he just ran backwards and forwards knocking over anything he could from their shelves/bookcases, dragging things off shelves and the atV stand. Opening boxes and emptying them. It was really difficult to manage. I feel really embarrassed that we’ve got this so wrong and haven’t ‘parented’ him correctly. Everyone who spends time with him just thinks he’s bonkers, they say it politely but you can tell in the time of their voice when they say ‘oo I’ve never seen anyone as busy as him before’.

I don’t expect him to be seen and not heard, but I do expect him to be able to actually play with something. Even if just for a minute. Or to concentrate on us when we’re trying to play with him with a toy/book he’s chosen. How did people manage before all these toys were created? What did parents do before?

We have tried putting the TV on a few times and he just looks for a few seconds then poof off to something else.

Any ideas? What can we do?
How can we change this and get some sanity back ☹️?

I have a 15 month old DC who is pretty similar. They are DC2 though so I know it will pass. My theory is that people who are surprised at how busy a 15 month old can be either haven't had one, or have just forgotten tbh.

Emptying boxes is a very normal developmental stage, as is throwing things unfortunately! Google schemas if you want to know more.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. My practical advice is send them to nursery for a bit if you don't already, and also don't be afraid to use a playpen (or travel cot) to contain them with some toys when you need to get stuff done.

Does your dc never spend any time just 'living' in your home?
My friend always had plans. Her dc were never happy just being at home.
Relax op. Invite people to you. Try enjoying your time in your own home with dc...

I have one of these. He calmed down a bit at about 2yo and mercifully started watching TV at 18mo. Still needs exercising like a puppy every day though.

This doesn't sound like normal development to be honest. You could try calming down his environment-he sounds overstimulated. Does he ever focus quietly on anything for short periods of time? At this age he should be interested in age appropriate books and remember familiar stories. They should engage him for the length of the book or thereabouts. Does he understand 'no'? If he is trashing your parents house he should respond to a 'no' at least some of the time. He is still very little and children develop at different rates but if you have concerns it's best to go to your GP who can refer you to a paediatrician.

He sounds very like my little one. I have a 16 month old, I have nothing in his reach that he can't empty, clear etc the lower shelves of the bookcase have his toys and books and I have a drawer that is his to empty/fill as he sees fit. He is an active baby but I try to spend some part of each day at home so he can just amuse himself with his toys/things. He has household items (a colander, wooden spoons, metal spoons, tupperware boxes etc etc) that are his to play with. The drawers and cupboards I don't want him to access are protected with cupboard locks. We get outside every day too even if the weather is crap. He has very little interest in stories but does like turning the pages of his books. He has no interest in TV, he would rather be doing than watching.

Google schemas if you want to know more.

I will do, thank you, I feel like I definitely need to learn more about what going on inside his brain because at the minute I haven’t got the foggiest 🤭. He goes to nursery 2 days a week and to DGPs 1 day a week, the other 4 with us.

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday yeah, well I suppose so but maybe we do too much? I am 40 weeks pregnant so the two days in the week where it’s just me and him we are more chilled out doing chores/walking. The franticness is no different though, I just let the shit storm build up and then clean it up when he naps. It certainly feels like the more we do the more we need to do.

@Wagglerock woohoo 3 months off watching TV haha goal!

Does he ever focus quietly on anything for short periods of time?

Yes about once every few days, it’s quite rare and when it happens we sit silently and just enjoy it. This is what is worrying me, I feel like it should be more often.

They should engage him for the length of the book or thereabouts. Does he understand 'no'?

Sometimes he does sit and enjoy a book as long as it’s one with flaps or something for him to do. Otherwise he just turns the pages really quick before you’re finished reading.

Yes he understands no, but chooses when to listen to it. I feel like we say no A LOT.

I have one similar to this and so wouldn’t say you are doing parenting wrong. This is a challenging age and they are into everything.

His nap seems quite short and agree with the above about having time at home and also at nursery if it’s an option.

He sounds very much like two of mine. I don’t think mine really sat and played with toys closer to 2.
A pp mentioned obey no and none of mine really did at that age that was definitely the other side of two.

My DD gets like this when over stimulated and also tired. She never shows the standard tired signals of rubbing eyes etc but does become a mini hulk and get very emotional/hyper. Why only one nap for an hour, that's not a lot at that age?

I have an 18 month old and tbf this sounds like him. The only way to describe him is a whirlwind. 🤣 he will sit for books but when there’s loads of toys to choose from he can get over stimulated.
Exploring the world around them. They have short attention spans, I was worried and the health visitor said it wasn’t anything to worry about atm as long as he’s happy.

Ask the nursery staff for their opinion - they've seen loads of kids your DCs age and should be reviewing DC development regularly anyway. Sounds pretty normal to me but I'm not a professional! I'd ask HV rather than GP if you are still worried but I would anticipate they won't do much at all at 15 months as it's still very young.

When you say 'no' to him, do you actually remove him from the situation, and/or take whatever he has away from him??
I'm sorry, but you sound fairly ineffectual, I have two boys, and was a Nanny for preschoolers for five years. I have come across children like this, but if you are firm and make him come away and sit on a step or a place in the kitchen or something when he is wrecking other people's houses, then he will soon learn. What happens if he starts throwing stuff at his new sibling?
He could do with some more sleep maybe, and a slightly more chilled home routine, hr doesn't need activities all the time.
Things to check are.....is he like this at Nursery? Is he like this with his grandparents? Is he getting enough healthy food, and/or too much sugar or refined carbs?
Also as soon as he throws something, then take it away, and reiterate in a firm voice "No, we do not throw things".
Firmness is key. Good luck. Message me if you want any more advice.

@bloodywhitecat when you say he amuses himself, does he actually play with the toys or just like destroy stuff/throw them at things?

@CaddieDawg @PippaRose we take up up to bed when he’s tired and he just goes to sleep, then wakes up whenever he’s done so sometimes it’s 1.5 hours and sometimes 1 hour. On nursery days he only has one so we moved our home schedule into the same routine because his night sleep went incredible, almost a solid 12 hours every night without fail. Sometimes he falls asleep in the car too, should we be offering more sleep? Bumping it back up to 2 naps?

Good idea @ISaidDontLickTheBin when it comes to his development we’ve only had brief chats about him climbing over everything 🙈 I’ll see what they say next week.

@Swifey40 I agree, and that’s why I’m starting to get worried. As an example we have been practicing him not climbing on the nuna leaf whilst we have a teddy in there.. so that he understands if it’s occupied he can’t clamber over the new DC when they’re in it. When super frantic he still does though.

If we say no and he responds we don’t remove him from the situation but if he doesn’t they yes we do. We don’t do any naughty steps or time out or anything, is this an age to start?

He eats great, albeit quite a bit of fruit, but he has CMPI so we live on couscous/hummus/pasta/veg/meat/fruit is varying quantities and varieties, DP gives him the odd digestive biscuit and I found out today he has squash instead of water at DGPs annoying but seems minor.

Thank you, we definitely need to be more firm, I’ll have a look at the best way to do that.

Mine was that age at the start of the first lockdown. I used to let him just break things- china, etc. so I could get a minute to homeschool my others. Breaking things kept him occupied for at least a couple of minutes.

Yeah, they're wild. Girls not so much, but at that age mine wouldn't watch tv, wouldn't look at a book for longer than 30 seconds, and wouldn't sit still playing with anything.

The only things that worked:

• puddles. I killed hours in them.
• taking him out in general (but not to old people's houses!), because it limits the destruction
• watching vehicles. Tractors, buses, train stations. I still go to the train station several times a week with a nice coffee for me. He'll sit quietly and watch them. I met other parents there doing the same
• tractor catalogues. Also tractor show YouTube videos- particularly the ones where the tractors have to go through a muddy puddle

Good luck! (And mine will now play quietly by himself for an hour at a time)

Sounds exactly like my son (18mo) when he's overtired - starts charging around, pulling all the toys off his shelf, books off the bookshelves etc.

I try and make sure I build in 'quiet time' activities, e.g. stories (using wooden characters to act them out to help engage), bath time or shower time (just randomly in the middle of the day quite often), or TV time (try Sarah and Duck, really relaxes my little man, he wasn't interested in TV until about 15mo though). He also still has two naps (often totalling 3 hours) and will sleep 7pm - 630am.

Last thought, does he get left to be 'bored'? It's a really important skill to develop the ability to entertain themselves. Start small, e.g. a couple of minutes with a box of Duplo whilst you do the dishwasher, and build up. He won't get it straight away but will learn in time.

I wouldn't necessarily go back to two naps, but maybe schedule in more quiet time to try and get a longer day time nap? Tricky if overnight sleep is great though as you don't want to ruin that! Is he rested when he wakes in the morning or does he still seem sleepy?

In answer to one of your other points, punishments and naughty steps etc don't really work at this age (imo) and neither do long explanations about why X or Y is wrong. Distraction is key and short, "no, ouchy /that hurts" or similar although try and save No's just for serious things where they could be injured etc, everything else just distract distract. Otherwise you'll just end up saying no all day and have no positive interactions, or at least that's how I felt when I fell into that hole.

Oh, also talking, talking, talking about everything you're doing - out on walks point things out, count things, talk about colours etc/in the house describing what your doing, talking about animal sounds/body parts etc. You feel like a crazy person but (like a puppy!) they need mental stimulation as well as physical.

I think he's overtired. 1 hour nap at lunch isn't enough I don't think. Mine was sleeping at least two hours in afternoon at this point. 11:30-13:30 or so. I know kids need different amounts of sleep but his behaviour seems really consistent with being overtired. You're also doing lots of stuff so he might be overstimulated which would exacerbate the overtiredness

Sounds fairly typical for a 15mo in my opinion. The throwing stage is a nuisance but passes after a few months.

I agree with pp who mentioned the nap being short. At that age I would expect 2-3 hours of daytime sleep. Do you rush to get him up when he wakes or do you give him some time? Mine often drift back if they wake early and aren’t upset. I have a 12mo and 2 year old and both sleep 12 hours at night and 2.5-3 hours in the day.

I would try spend a full morning at home and let baby get all his energy out roaming around/throwing everything and see if that helps him sleep longer. I also lock the kitchen cupboards but leave one open that has bowls and utensils in it for baby to empty and keeps them occupied for ages.

I'd try moving the nap to after lunch and having 2 hours of quiet time in his cot/room say 12-2 regardless of whether he sleeps.

Move everything throwable or breakable out of reach and just have one box of things out at a time. When he's done with that, tidy it away and get something else out.

If he likes throwing things, take him in the garden with balls and beanbags. If he starts throwing things inside you can say no and take him outside to throw things.

my DS was similar at that age! It gets better, I promise!

Great idea @Curioushorse he loves bin day because of the huge trucks driving down the street! I’ll see what we can do with busses/trains. Thank you.

@T0rt0ise I’m not sure he does get bored, he does on some occasions entertain himself if I’m putting clothes away upstairs for example he will be mooching about in his bedroom but that largely involves ripping everything out of the drawer if I’ve forgotten to put the lock on. Or taking plugs out of sockets/putting them back in/switching on cue heart palpitations😬.

Lots mentioning sleep, ok, tomorrow is just me and him so I will trial a new indoors pretty boring day. Sort through and remove lots of the toys so he has a few to focus on and we’ll try a longer nap.

@Temple29 if he wakes up and I’m potching about then I’ll see if he wants to go back with a cuddle and shh for a few minutes it’s almost always a no though. If I’m downstairs and he’s already at the stair gate laughing/talking to me by the time I get there then no I don’t bother trying to get him back. He rarely does go back though, that could be hunger since dinner is after a nap. Will change that tomorrow and see what happens.

When does it get better please @Ylvamoon? I have a 16 month old daughter who sounds very similar to the OP’s child and it’s exhausting!

Sounds like my son at that age, he is autistic and has ADHD. He couldn't settle to any single activity, just flitted from thing to thing. He was, and still is, a prolific climber, literally everything was apparatus to him, including me. He never ever played with anything in the way it was intended to be played with. He didn't watch other children or copy them, he was absolutely self directed from the get-go. If we were at a baby class the other babies would toddle up to put their shakers away and he would be snatching all the shakers up and running around with them.

He was an absolute ray of sunshine who adored cuddles, interaction, kisses etc. Still is.

At that age EVERYBODY, and I include Mumsnet in this, told me that 'all toddlers are like this' 'yes my DC did 5is and now he's a professor at Cambridge' etc etc.

But I just knew that it was something more than typical toddler behaviour. I stuck to my guns.