What are we doing wrong?

[FTEngineerM]

This maybe long, but thank you if you make it to the end. We’re despairing a bit and have no idea where we’re going wrong.

I will admit I’m more emotional than usually but I feel so upset that we’re getting ‘parenting’ so wrong and it’s our most important job to date. Our DC is 15m and has been getting more and more.. I don’t know.. frantic?

It’s sort of come to a head in my mind today and we need to change something. He is so so so so incredibly ‘into everything’ but also nothing at the same time. Every day consists of a morning activity and an afternoon one with lunch and a nap at home. So for today as an example:

6:00 up
6:30 breakfast
8:00 out to park
11:00 back from park
11:15 - 12:15 nap
12:30 lunch down DGPs
15:00 left DGPs and went to other DGPs
17:00 home and tea
18:00 bath
18:30 sleep

So for the times we’re at home: between 6am and 8am he is like a whirlwind just throwing toys/books around, if you ask him to get you a book to read he’ll bring it then throw it. There’s a climbing frame in the living room which he plays on for a few minutes max. Between 5-6pm he’s the same, frantically looking for something to destroy or rip apart, he’ll bang and rattle anything that moves slightly. He’ll clear shelves, drag things down off the table/counter top of he can see it. We’ve bought him 3 toys this week we thought he’d love based on what he plays with e.g. buckles and straps so we bought a pillow with lots of different types of buckles to fiddle with. He just threw it, even when we sit and show him how to play with it he isn’t interested. Same with a busy board type thing, he loves intricate little details on things like zips, light switches and so on but this, nope. It’s just a board full of things that he plays with around the house but he isn’t interested in it. Just stood on it and bent one of the doors.

When we were up DGPs (2nd) they brought out two boxes of animal figures and toys and he just ran backwards and forwards knocking over anything he could from their shelves/bookcases, dragging things off shelves and the atV stand. Opening boxes and emptying them. It was really difficult to manage. I feel really embarrassed that we’ve got this so wrong and haven’t ‘parented’ him correctly. Everyone who spends time with him just thinks he’s bonkers, they say it politely but you can tell in the time of their voice when they say ‘oo I’ve never seen anyone as busy as him before’.

I don’t expect him to be seen and not heard, but I do expect him to be able to actually play with something. Even if just for a minute. Or to concentrate on us when we’re trying to play with him with a toy/book he’s chosen. How did people manage before all these toys were created? What did parents do before?

We have tried putting the TV on a few times and he just looks for a few seconds then poof off to something else.

Any ideas? What can we do?
How can we change this and get some sanity back ☹️?

But I just knew that it was something more than typical toddler behaviour.

I do think what you’ve described can also be typical toddler behaviour though. It’s a difficult age!

@peasoup8

But I just knew that it was something more than typical toddler behaviour.

I do think what you’ve described can also be typical toddler behaviour though. It’s a difficult age!

Unless you've experience of being around a small child with ASD/ADHD you honestly cannot imagine how it could be 'more' than typical behaviour, but trust me, it is.

Hey OP, I know you've had lots of really great advice but just to add my two pennies worth as I'm out the other side of this (DS now 20 months)

We went through a good couple of months of throwing, hitting, smacking and essentially testing boundaries. He also had little interest in things for any length of time (although he does like films such as Cars as he also loves trucks etc)

We've really noticed his understanding of things has improved greatly over the last 3 months and although he's still behind in his speech, he understands a lot of what we say...but he can sometimes choose not to listen!

Some things were clearly stages that he passed through but we did make some changes

-we now have a rotation system for toys. So set a few out for a couple of days and hide the rest away. Then rotate. We found he engaged more closely with them as he had fewer to choose from
-when he wanted to empty / throw things we let him! So throwing the ball for the dog or we had a box of cars that we let him constantly tip out and 'repack'. We've just been on holiday and managed to pack by giving him an old suitcase which he filled and emptied for an hour
-made sure we had half a day at home so he had time to play and enjoy being with us
-we used 'no' but also removed toys or him from the situation when he didn't listen with a very short explanation. This was not quick and sometimes took weeks of being consistent. But now if he goes near something he knows he shouldn't (hot oven etc), he shakes his head, wags his finger at it and turns away. So the lesson does get through but it takes time. This wasn't quite time out but we did remove him, leave him, count to 30 and then go back and bring him back in, all forgotten and smiles (so maybe was time out!!?)
-We read to him lots but let him choose. Eg give him the option of 3 books and let him decide. If after 2/3 pages he chucks it on the floor then onto the next one.
-started extending his choices (last few months) on a number of other things and have noticed a real reduction in upsets. He wants to feel he has some input so giving him a small amount of control has really helped his self esteem.

I would say a LOT of this has simply improved with age. He has started playing for reasonable periods with his toys and even making noises to suggest he is using his imagination. Vroom for the cars and car chases and animal sounds and interacting with other things. He's also suddenly loving books-even the ones without flaps or sensory things! This has meant at bedtime we've been able to get through stories and keep his attention. Both of these things have come over the last couple of months.

A few people have mentioned sleep. If he's sleeping 12 hours overnight and 1 hour+ nap then he's getting the 'recommended' amount of 11-14 hours. My DS sleeps 11 hours overnight but a 2 hour nap. I'd say if he's like this all day then it's perhaps not over tiredness but if you notice it gets worse before naps and bed then it's worth considering (but I wouldn't go back to 2 naps).

Lastly, if he's meeting all the developmental milestones such as walking, engagement and language then I really wouldn't worry too much. He sounds like an excitable child but not at all unusual. At this age, the spectrum of 'normal' is also so wide!

Good luck!

@Curioushorse

Mine was that age at the start of the first lockdown. I used to let him just break things- china, etc. so I could get a minute to homeschool my others. Breaking things kept him occupied for at least a couple of minutes.

Yeah, they're wild. Girls not so much, but at that age mine wouldn't watch tv, wouldn't look at a book for longer than 30 seconds, and wouldn't sit still playing with anything.

The only things that worked:

• puddles. I killed hours in them.
• taking him out in general (but not to old people's houses!), because it limits the destruction
• watching vehicles. Tractors, buses, train stations. I still go to the train station several times a week with a nice coffee for me. He'll sit quietly and watch them. I met other parents there doing the same
• tractor catalogues. Also tractor show YouTube videos- particularly the ones where the tractors have to go through a muddy puddle

Good luck! (And mine will now play quietly by himself for an hour at a time)

Tractor catalogues 😂

What jumped out at me is his nap sounds quite short. I think at that age mine had 90 minutes to 2 hours straight after an early lunch. But being busy and into everything sounds normal. As does chucking stuff about. I went with activities to tire them out... with my kids, challenging behaviour goes with boredom or tiredness usually x

Oh yes, DS2 didn't watch TV until he was 18 months ish. So frustrating when you just need ten minutes to do something!

To echo the PP it does sound like your first steps are to reduce over-stimulation. Leave one or two toys out & hide the rest. Mine were better with one toy in a small space than lots in a big space where too many possibilities took over.

Increase sleep or quiet time. Increase aimless meandering outside - not so much playgrounds but perhaps parks with a slope/ramp and something to with wheels to send down the slope. We spent hours at the beach/woods/park with tractors you can load with sand/stones/wood. Something transfixing about wheel motion, loved their toy prams to push around, even when very little - most fold up super small so easy to take out and this might be good with the imminent arrival. Mine loved to dig and splash at this stage and tonnes of water play. I also had tractor/train mad boys and real footage was the bomb. A simple wooden train set was great too. It's ok if he just gets the train for a few seconds and builds up or pushes it through a cardboard tube or the like, he will build up and it can last years if the interest takes hold.

My most useful tricks were complete indifference (it's hard to pull off) to things they did that I didn't like and lots of warmth when it was good stuff. I found the big 'no' charade got them too invested and entrenched. It also means your big 'no' is very useful when required for things like imminent danger. I remember the feeling of saying 'no' too much. Try offering an alternative in another area instead, it completely undermines the contention (I have calm lads with a weakness for biscuits as a result).

I wonder whether you'd be getting such good nights if there were any underlying issues. Nursery should be able to advise you on this too. I've known kids with adhd who simply can't stop at that age but around the clock - just personal experience not in any way educated observations.

I found this stage far more exhausting than the newborn stages, you truly have to watch. Toddler proof your home and just move a load of stuff out of the way, it should be a place you can both relax in and you are going to leave him out of sight for a bit longer when the baby comes so forget teaching him about what he can/cant have just now and make it safe & relaxing wherever possible.

Finally, make sure you have plenty of help/support over the next few months. Good luck

Haven't read all the way through but just wanted to say my 21 months old was very very similar at this age. At about 18 months we noticed he'd play a bit more with things and it's gradually got better as he's gotten that bit older. My mum and dad bought him a toy farm with animals and a little tractor and it's been ace, he's obsessed with it! They actually said how nice it was when they had him the other week because he was playing with it really nicely, chattering away (in his way) instead of tearing around the rooms all day 😂

Honestly he just sounds like a regular toddler - they really do come in all shapes and sizes. DS1 was exactly as you describe and it sometimes felt like spending time with a mini dictator .

He would climb the kitchen cupboards and earn't the nickname 'the mountain goat'. My FiL used to comment on how 'hyper' he was which was really hurtful at the time.

He's 13 now and the best behaved child in the world - steady, responsible, kind and funny. Turns out he is really smart (which was extremely hard to spot in the early years!).

literally everything was apparatus to him, including me

Yes! And more yes! It has got better since we put the climbing frame inside though so I’m reluctant to move that because it stops him climbing the sofas to get to the shelves/dogs pen thing/TV stand.

It’s a difficult age
Definitely and when I was pregnant we spent ages reading about stuff like colic relief, sleep routines and leaps and the like but nothing about what happens a bit later on at this stage so it’s all a bit of a shock I suppose🤭.

I can’t reply to every point from everyone but thank you all so much for both the advice and solidarity 😃 . This morning we have this sounds awful taken 3/4 of his toys away upstairs in a spare room so he’s got 8 mental stimulation ones and two physical activity ones downstairs. Already he spent 45 minutes playing with the ball we found on his climbing frame….. he was definitely overwhelmed before!!

We’ve had a relaxed morning, breakfast and some baking so a totally different vibe today 🤞🏼.

Also just realised I didn’t answer the PP about him waking up tired, sometimes he does wake up tired from a nap but not in the morning. In the morning he’s super refreshed, most naps he is too but the odd one he’s crying rubbing his eyes and whiney. I suppose those are the ones he needs more on?

Also ‘mountain goat’ HAHAHA

Sorry I may have missed something but a one hour nap is super short, do you wake him or does he wake then? I have a two year old who is very active, but we 'exercise' him, Laos around the park, kicking balls in the park, jumping, throwing bean bags (mini ones) outside. Then he used to crash for three hours!

*lots of

Oh also, we did loadsssssss of little lessons on 'soft and hard' then went on hunts around the house to find hard and soft things, he was allowed to throw soft things inside but never hard. He understood that quickly

He just wakes up himself @coffeealldayandnight the nap varies but never longer than 1.5 hours.

@FTEngineerM oh lordie, you poor soul 😵‍💫

You are doing EVERYTHING wrong, purely because that’s how every parent feels all the time about absolutely everything 😂

Seriously though he sounds like a normal, inquisitive, adventurous little boy and you sound like a great mum. Toddlers think the whole world revolves around them, they start to experience big feelings like anger, they start pushing boundaries and want to do everything at once. I really wouldn’t worry.

Maybe take away some options, less to play with tends to mean less to get distracted by.

OP don’t be hard on yourself. 1 year olds are crazy! My 2 year old has just kicked the feral stage up a notch. Once they’re up and walking they will get into everything and just want to destroy it. He might have ‘too much’ around him and become overwhelmed hence throwing things around. My DS can get like that too. If they are tired (45 mins isn’t much of a sleep for a 15mo) behaviour can be off the scale hard. Especially with being unable to talk they get frustrated. Try a longer nap throughout the day (i allow 90 mins max before waking) and try not to think your doing any anything wrong, your doing your very best and doing nothing wrong

Do both sets of grandparents have recent experience of having a toddler visiting? From your description of what he was like at their house, it seems like they had loads of stuff out all over the place, and he was into everything.

They might need to do some childproofing and put everything away or out of reach except for what he is allowed to play with.

Other pp's are right, having just a few toys out each day is far better, otherwise they are completely overwhelmed and rush from one thing to another all the time.

And this is why I don't go to other people's houses. It's too stressful when not completely toddler proofed. I have nothing in my house but toys for this reason and all the cupboards are locked or everything is pulled out. Totally declutter your house and remove any nice things/deco things. Reduce the amount of toys/books out (perhaps try weekly rotation). Keep the environment simple and not over stimulating. My niece was very much like this, looked at and touched everything, played with nothing. Always know when she's been at mine cos everything is in the wrong room. She's settled down as she's got older and learnt how to 'play'.

@coffeealldayandnight

Sorry I may have missed something but a one hour nap is super short, do you wake him or does he wake then? I have a two year old who is very active, but we 'exercise' him, Laos around the park, kicking balls in the park, jumping, throwing bean bags (mini ones) outside. Then he used to crash for three hours!

It is on the short side, but honestly, some children really don't need more or you spend your entire evening settling them while they throw themselves around.

DS had about that much by that age and we stopped naps entirely just after 2, with a resulting improvement in my evenings (as in I wasn't just waiting for him to finally lie down and go to sleep).
He's still a PITA to some degree at bedtime but at 4y3m it's self contained- whichever parent is doing bedtime just has an eye on the monitor while reading etc. And usually, when he is asleep, that's then it for 11 hours, very rarely more.

Just so glad he's not a lark- I usually have to wake him.

OP, he's 15 mo, so just barely a toddler, and has discovered all these things he can do, it will calm down, but as others have suggested, reduce the stimulation!