DD (17) is very unhappy and she does not accept any offer of help

[TheNewKaren]

My DD has been increasingly unhappy for quite some time. She is telling me, nothing makes her happy, she does not like to do any activities, on holiday she does not want to leave the hotel room, she prefers to sit at home all the time. I totally get it that it may be easier for her to speak to somebody else, but she does not want to do this either. I set up counselling for her, but she has to attend the sessions and she is not doing this. I am probably talking too much, and I’m probably not saying the right things. I don’t know what to do. Our lives revolve around this and this is consuming all her live, her engergy all our engergy and all our lives. How can I persuade her to get the help she needs?

@Flump9 I am often thinking that her dad is on the spectrum and if she is inadvertently copying him.

She is up and down all the time. On good days it’s all fine and we live normally, on bad days, I try and navigate through these as good as I can with mixed success. I tried the GP, they do not offer any support. Not sure if the private counselling is helpful for her, but it’s not doing any harm, so I continue with this.

Rereading my last post I see what you mean. Everything has to be just so or she can’t stand it at all. Not in a spoilt way, but in a way that only certain foods are acceptable and only certain activities are acceptable. She is scared of crowded areas and keeps close to me at all times. COVID has of course made it worse. Getting her to leave the house is always a challenge unless she knows and approves the destination.
Being very particular with clothes is of course a Teenage thing and completely normal.

She’s a ripe candidate for online counselling
In the safety of her bedroom

You’re at a fork op
It’s serious but not debilitating
She needs professional support to mean she gets off the route she’s currently on

@Oftenithinkaboutit she has the online counselling in her bedroom. She wanted to stop, but agreed to continue for now. I agree it’s serious but not debilitating and there are good days when she seems happier and cheerful. I hope the counselling is helping her and the counsellor is able to identify the issues.

She doesn’t understand that she is effectively depriving me of a lot of things that I would love to enjoy, such as going for a walk, going swimming, I am watching life from the sidelines and I’m envious of people who can just live and go and do things that I can only watch on TV. Such as going for a walk on the beach.

@TheNewKaren

She doesn’t understand that she is effectively depriving me of a lot of things that I would love to enjoy, such as going for a walk, going swimming, I am watching life from the sidelines and I’m envious of people who can just live and go and do things that I can only watch on TV. Such as going for a walk on the beach.

I think you need to park these thoughts. Or at least not say to her or expect her to appreciate. It will just add pressure

You’re her mum. She’s going through a tough time. I’m afraid you may have to make sacrifices in the short term.

@Oftenithinkaboutit I totally agree with you. Last summer 2020 I tried to explain this to her that I also wanted to enjoy the holidays, but she genuinely didn’t understand what I meant by wanting to go out so I resigned myself for the last few years to the very limited activities that she agrees to. A bit like a prisoner really. Fortunately we have a garden so I get fresh air every now and then. I totally dedicate my life to her of course. I never mention that I need anything anymore, she doesn’t get it and it’s not helpful.

This has been going on for years?

Do you work?

She does not understand that I am a person. It’s painful, but it’s the reality. It helps her function to delegate a lot of things to me that she cannot deal with I suppose and to have me close by for safety. I get it but it’s hard.

What’s her plans after half term? School?

Yes I have a very stressful job, fortunately working from home for the last few years on my laptop.

She will be returning to school?

She’s in school 6th form. She’s doing fine, quite well actually.

Even though it’s a struggle to persuade her to go to school almost every day. Once there, she’s fine.

Get out and about when she’s at school for a walk?

When she’s at school I am working back to back, because I know once she’s back (at 4) I will be disrupted. I work until 6 or so and then start again once she’s in bed. Often until midnight.

I've just read this thread and I really really feel for you OP. I am in a very similar situation with my DD and I am exhausted, worried and on edge all the time.
My DD (15) is however currently going through the diagnosis process for ASD but a lot of the behaviours do sound very similar. She is intense, demanding and controlling and our days largely revolve around her wishes.
All I can do is tell you I understand how you feel and empathise totally.

You have described my daughter. She is 17. She is autistic and was only diagnosed two years ago. Girls mask. Girls present very differently to autistic boys. It can be like a completely different spectrum.
Oh my heart goes out to you as unknown how hard it was for our entire family and my daughter before diagnosis.
My dd refused counselling,she would have fathered died. My dd had very little friends if any, due to social anxiety and I presume people just thought her as rude.
Things overwhelmed her so much that she would have a meltdown(not a tantrum and not in her control) but it made her look like she was just being a brat, she wasn't.
She hated school, had zero interests except maybe you tube and listening to music on earphones.
Every holiday she would ask,when are we going back to the hotel?
If we brought her anywhere such as cinema,it was too loud or she was "bored".
Bored was her answer to why she didnt want to do anything because she actually didn't understand either.
Finally when we realised what it could be,I say with her, tasked her what she thought of being assessed as I couldn't have her continue to be so unhappy anymore.
She accepted as this wasn't going to be counselling, this was a way of getting answers for herself and life has been amazing since we have her diagnosis and extra support and mostly because she now knows "so I'm not just weird after all" I'm autistic (her words)
She is happy now and rests plenty and takes days off school but has only told two close friends, I'm not allowed tell anybody except family, she's not at that stage yet

Does she repeatedly eat same things over and over such as
Noodles
Pizza
Chicken nuggets??
Does she get extremely upset for things that you deem to be small?? Such as being asked to clean the kitchen? Can this result in a meltdown?
After socialising with family, does she need to take a nap or be in her room by herself?
Is her voice mono tone most of time(outside meltdown)
Does she refuse invitation to things??
Does she prefer to sleep at home and avoid sleepovers ??
Does she appear to struggle to see other persons point of view in an argument?
Does she dislike speaking to people she doesn't know esp adults??
Are her moods up and down??
When she was younger would she freak out if she thought she had to break a rule at school such as wearing the wrong coloured trainers for a day

Also are her organisational skills poor??
Does she regularly forget school books or doesn't know where to begin on assignment?
Apologies for typos on my first post, it's mid term,am still in bed and my eyes are still blurry from waking 🙈

Yes to all of the above.

Except for being very health focussed in her food choices. But that’s down to me - trying to cook / make salads etc and use fresh food as much as possible. She does not like convenience food.
Her food does have to be the same though for quite a long period and then she will swap that for another choice (always healthy and balanced) for another month or so etc

I only ask her to do very small chores now that won’t upset her. She will occasionally cook something (for herself only) and I encourage this without making a big deal of it iyswim. She doesn’t like cooking for the rest of the family. She kind of does not think of this.