Getting a 4yo out of the house

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DD is 5 in Nov. She's bright, fun, amusing, good to be around and generally well behaved. I don't think she's spoiled and we set the right boundaries etc at home.

The problem is, she sometimes suddenly decides we're not going out to something and there's no budging her. Eg we'll arrange to meet friends, she'll agree to it then 5 minutes before we leave she announces she doesn't want to. Most of the time I can't bribe, coax or threaten my way out of it and she's too big to carry. I end up just cancelling plans (for DS as well) rather than having a big confrontation because she never backs down.

Any ideas? It feels wrong to let her call the shots but I also don't want to end up having a battle I can't win!

Ha ha I NC but will answer then NC again!

Thanks for the responses, she basically has to be willing to go somewhere on foot, I'm going to push harder and make sure there are consequences for not coming. I can't carry her under one arm, she's nearly 5 and I have a toddler as well.

It's not like we never leave the house, occasionally she does this, usually for an afternoon outing when she's a bit low energy.

Thanks for the suggestions. Now I know what Monégasque means too!

We mostly walk too and I've only just realised that the reason my DD's friends are more willing to go out is because they are driven nearly everywhere, including to the park when they have half the distance from it compared to us. They get more tired when walking and I definitely get more opposition from her. I stand firm, and calmly explain. I can get her out of the house but I'm constantly tearing my hair out from the defiance. Does she want more attention? I have a baby and I'm always busy with them and the mountain of cleaning, cooking and laundry.

Try reading Bringing Up Bebe for an outsider's perspective on French parenting, I got more from that book than actual parenting guides. I try to be calm but immovable. Repeat after me "it's me who decides".

What do you do when you let her stay home instead of doing what’s planned? Do you make it as boring as possible? That’s what I’d be doing, fine you can miss “x fun thing” but we will be doing “y boring thing” instead.

If getting them to walk anywhere is a struggle and you don't want to drive everywhere, you could try cycling with them (trailer, child seat or cargo bike) or let them use their own bike or scooter, if they enjoy it that can help.

I was like that at that age and I think it was anxiety, also possibly couldn't see what was in it for four year old me.
My advice as a mother of three is to make a positive association with the place you are going TO, which outweighs the unpleasant feeling that accompanies leaving the present setting (where she feels comfortable and settled)
So could be a pair of outdoor shoes that are exciting and colourful, could be a toy she sees in friends house, a slide she likes in playground, a person she wants to play with.
It's not about obedience it's about a positive association.
Practice leaving house for small walks don't trick her, then expand your repertoire. Honestly getting tough won't solve the "fear"

I wouldn't give her the choice btw...would you like to etc. I would work on
We are going to do X but make X very pleasant and time limited ie see friend in park for very short time and make it clear you are coming home at certain time and having certain snack, playing on certain equipment. Show her clock etc. Make it easy for her to think ahead, it's all a bit random for a four year old with firm opinions, so don't cajole just tell her the facts with a plan b, if it rains we will come home earlier or baby cries a lot etc.
You are mixing up getting her to agree with a sense of control. The sense of control comes from confidence in the day ahead, it isn't about you making an agreement with her.

I really wouldn't have the tough love confrontations others are suggesting...you are setting yourself up for a phobic refusal.
But be more confident in what your goals are...fresh air or you wanting to meet up, her playing or toddler, think out of box.
We all want our kids to do things which make life pleasant for all the family but sometimes you have to let go of certain fun activities if they don't work for your particular family or kids. Seeing friends might be easier indoors with a fresh air walk to their house maybe instead of a playground outing. Things might change as she gets older ..my children changed in what motivated them

@Nettleskeins I agree with having confidence. DH always wonders how I get DD to bed much quicker than him, it's working better since I started believing I can (another Bringing Up Bebe tip). I don't have many wins in parenting so I'll take them where I can get them.

Where others see tough love, I see it being decisive and clear.

I now live in Australia and there is this fear to displease a child, so everything revolves around the child, finding excuses for behaviours, an obsessive emphasis on the positive, a constant praising even for normal things such as flushing the toilet. We should praise for things that deserve praising. We can of course say "good", after having asked if they did flush, but no need to go hyper as if the child had made a great achievement.

The fear of displeasing will often lead to risk aversion because everything has always to be 100% positive. A child will not attempt something if there is the risk to fail. A child needs to learn to deal with negative emotions in the same way it needs to learn to cross the road. Being displeased is part of life. A child won't be always picked for something, or the one winning at bingo. Unless you teach from early on, that sometimes or even often things don't go the way we want them and that it is okay , they will be miserable instead of resilient.

My suggestions were in response to a recurrent issue the OP had described, and to correct a behavioural trend ( repetitively agreeing to an outing, plans are made, last minute refusal) .
When you correct instead of teach, it is of course a stronger approach, but it is far from mean, quite the opposite.

I guess there's different types of parenting, but I personally think some of the previous advice about making life boring etc are much better than pandering to the needs of the child. You need to be able to live your life the way you want and you have another child to consider.

Lots of good advice on here (and lots of awful stuff too!!!).

I think the only thing I'd add (based on a best friend with an IDENTICAL child!) would be working on your consistency and communication. Maybe have a few days where you tell her at bedtime what the plan for the next day is, then again in the morning and then give her good notice of say 30 minutes before the actual time of the exit.

Then during the lead up to leaving the house you can maybe work on making her feel like the 'big one' helping you by putting something in a bag, taking the sibling for a wee, finding mummy's blue shoes etc with lots of positive praise.

My friend with a very similar sounding child (exactly the same age) is sadly not great at communicating or being consistent in her parenting style generally and also treats the child as if she should have a level of comprehension simply not possible for a 4 year old (and has done since babyhood really) so I'm only mentioning it in case it gives you food for thought and things YOU can work on. May not be immediate solutions but may improve things over time. I genuinely have no idea how my friend is going to get the child to school every day on time because if the child doesn't want to do something (and I've witnessed this 100 times) there is LITERALLY no making her. And although it makes me sad to say it I genuinely observe that my friend is as much 'at fault' as the 4 year old in the way she handles things and disciplines/communicates in general.