3 year old not listening

[GetDownWithTheCygent]

I have a 3 year old DD, and for the past few few weeks, she has become so disobedient. We ask her to stop doing things, e.g jumping on the sofa or throwing things and she completely ignores me and her dad. We explain why we don't want her to do certain things rather than just ask her to stop, for example she might fall off the sofa and hurt herself or she'll break the sofa. Lately, she can not be reasoned with. Our cat has recently had kittens (5 weeks old) and today when we were playing with the kittens, she proceeded to try to stamp on one of them with her foot. She was promptly reprimanded and smacked on the hand. We explained why she shouldn't do this and I repeatedly kept asking why she had done this. Both myself and my OH have never shown any behaviour like this towards our cat or her kittens so this is not a learned behaviour.

Her actions caused a row with myself and OH in which he blamed me for her recent behaviour. It was her birthday a couple of weeks ago and she received a lot of presents, he thinks she has been spoilt and this is the cause of her recent disobedience. In fairness to him she has become naughty since then. I hate to think me wanting to treat our daughter and get her lots of nice things has caused her to start behaving like this. Do you think he could be right?

We love our daughter, more than anything, she gets so much love and attention from both myself and her dad. We both are lucky enough to work from home so we are always with her, always playing with her. We take her out on lots of day trips, soft play, farms, zoos.

She's very bright and we teach and explain everything to her, this behaviour is very out of character.

After today's behaviour, I explained that if she fails to listen, I will take a toy of hers away. So far, 4 toys have been taken away. I am at a loss and unsure what else to do.

Have I spoilt her and is it my fault she is acting up?

How do I reverse her behaviour?

Have you tried NOT overloading her with explanations and just being very stern when you need to say NO? Remove from the situation, sit her somewhere?

please keep her away from the kittens.

I think your expectations are unrealistic I'm afraid. You are expecting her to have the same level of cognition as you and her toddler brain doesn't. I agree with avoiding situations that are more likely to trigger behaviors that are challenging.
Up the amount of positive interaction and keep explanations simple.

Less is more.

…also, the smack on the hand isn’t going to go down well OP

Have you maybe considered that smacking her on the hand is showing her that raising your hands to others is ok...

She doesn't usually gets smacked on the hand, it was only because her behaviour was so terrible

Ooh, I missed the smacking on the hand- for trying to stamp on a kitten- that’s not great. She should be kept away from the kittens and they’re so tiny. It’s stressful for them to be around a boisterous toddler. Is she jealous of the attention they get?

Do you think she possibly is too demanding of your time and attention? How is she at amusing herself sometimes or letting you get on with things when you need to- does she constantly have one of you at her beck and call 24/7?

She kicked the kitten because she doesn’t want to share anyone’s attention with the kittens, probably. That’s a normal emotion for a 3yo.

I’m sure other posters will broach the smack thing.

I understand the frustration. I really do. We have two year old twins. It must have been awful seeing her behave that way with the kitten. As other posters have said. She doesn’t have the rational thought of an adult. I don’t believe we should ever hit or smack our children. You can’t expert her to understand that it is not acceptable to stamp on an animal yet it is ok for mummy and daddy to smack her. You are teaching her it is ok to behave in that way.

Smacking really isn't going to help in any way.
I think there is a bit of competition for attention going on here. Naturally you are going to be paying attention to the new kittens and her behaviour shows that she is struggling a bit.
Little children want attention and whether that is good or bad attention doesn't really matter.
She is only 3. You are expecting her to behave like a much older child.
I agree with pp saying keep it simple. Just "no" and move her away from whatever is causing the problem.
Keep her away from the kittens except for very short periods under strict supervision.

Also emphasising how bright and clever she is….irrelevant. She’s still 3. Treat her like she’s 3. She has little comprehension of why you do or don’t do things and practically no impulse control.

Your OH could probably benefit from reading up a bit on child development.

My three year old can be a terror and I am not perfect but you need to have some strategies up your sleeve beyond trying to talk her out of it.

So stuff like closed choices, simple and immediate consequences, making stuff into a game (where appropriate) etc.

Taking toys away/trying to give lengthy explanations/asking why etc are all things that are not going to work with a 3 year old. They are inappropriate for her developmental stage.

Hitting your small child because she behaves like a small child is hideous. Really, really awful.

OP I'm in the same boat, my 3yo DD has turned everyday into a battle for the last few weeks. I've tried every single approach to discipline and reason and getting nowhere fast so have had to create a 'naughty corner', something I didn't want to do as it distresses her so much. I'm at a loss.

It is worth remembering that most 3 year olds go through a period of rapid growth and development and they suddenly need more sleep.
Earlier bed time and reduction of stimulation in the evening can make a big difference. Also, they might be hungrier than previously and need an extra snack at some point.

I think the golden rule is to tell her what you want her to do, not what you want her to stop. She sounds completely normal! So instead of saying ‘stop jumping on the sofa’, say ‘go and play with favourite toy’.

At 3 they can like to demand attention too - so will seek any attention (for good behaviour or not). So don't forget to load up on positive attention when she’s doing what you prefer - its easy to forget and let them get on with playing when they are behaving well!

Read up on books giving advice on this, there's lots of info out there.

Yes, for stuff like the sofa, instead of saying 'Don't jump on the sofa', maybe something like 'I can't let you jump on the sofa but let's bounce on the floor and pretend to be frogs!' My DD responds really well to this. Also for hitting 'I can't let you hit X but if you want to hit something, you can hit this cushion/soft toy'. You basically want to find acceptable outlets for whatever energy they need to expend or emotions they need to release, not prevent them from doing it altogether. If she wants to jump then that's fine - you just need to steer her to jump somewhere safer.

For the kittens, swift removal for safety purposes and 'I cannot let you kick the kittens. If you want to kick something, here is a ball'. And watch closely: toddlers and tiny animals are not a good combo.

There are lots of good books that give respectful and effective ways for dealing with toddler behaviour.

Janet Lansbury: No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame
Adele Fabre: How to Talk so Little Kids Listen ...
Simone Davies: The Montessori Toddler
Tovah Klein: How Toddlers Thrive

All are slightly different but focus on treating your child with respect and understanding what is developmentally appropriate with techniques to avoid and handle conflict.

If you just read one, I would recommend the Janet Lansbury one as I think it's the most accessible and easy to implement.

Sorry, *Joanna Faber that should have said!

People saying you can’t explain/reason with a toddler…I’m intrigued. Do you sometimes do this/never do this? Is it a bad idea? This is pretty much my main strategy. It only works some of the time but it definitely does work some of the time and I think some of the lessons are sticking and they do generate a lot of “why?” follow ups, though perhaps not in the heat of the tantrum. And sometimes a lot of talking also seems to diffuse and deescalate the situation.

You can definitely explain to a toddler as long as it's in language they can understand. "Hitting hurts, hitting is not OK", "You don't want to be strapped into your car seat seat but it isn't safe to be unstrapped so daddy is going to hold you down while I strap you in" etc. It's really important to clearly and respectfully explain boundaries and consequences, you just have to do it very simply.

You shouldn’t be smacking your toddler at all.

@Zarene

Hitting your small child because she behaves like a small child is hideous. Really, really awful.

Trying to stamp on a kitten is normal?