3 year old not listening

[GetDownWithTheCygent]

I have a 3 year old DD, and for the past few few weeks, she has become so disobedient. We ask her to stop doing things, e.g jumping on the sofa or throwing things and she completely ignores me and her dad. We explain why we don't want her to do certain things rather than just ask her to stop, for example she might fall off the sofa and hurt herself or she'll break the sofa. Lately, she can not be reasoned with. Our cat has recently had kittens (5 weeks old) and today when we were playing with the kittens, she proceeded to try to stamp on one of them with her foot. She was promptly reprimanded and smacked on the hand. We explained why she shouldn't do this and I repeatedly kept asking why she had done this. Both myself and my OH have never shown any behaviour like this towards our cat or her kittens so this is not a learned behaviour.

Her actions caused a row with myself and OH in which he blamed me for her recent behaviour. It was her birthday a couple of weeks ago and she received a lot of presents, he thinks she has been spoilt and this is the cause of her recent disobedience. In fairness to him she has become naughty since then. I hate to think me wanting to treat our daughter and get her lots of nice things has caused her to start behaving like this. Do you think he could be right?

We love our daughter, more than anything, she gets so much love and attention from both myself and her dad. We both are lucky enough to work from home so we are always with her, always playing with her. We take her out on lots of day trips, soft play, farms, zoos.

She's very bright and we teach and explain everything to her, this behaviour is very out of character.

After today's behaviour, I explained that if she fails to listen, I will take a toy of hers away. So far, 4 toys have been taken away. I am at a loss and unsure what else to do.

Have I spoilt her and is it my fault she is acting up?

How do I reverse her behaviour?

@ATieLikeRichardGere

People saying you can’t explain/reason with a toddler…I’m intrigued. Do you sometimes do this/never do this? Is it a bad idea? This is pretty much my main strategy. It only works some of the time but it definitely does work some of the time and I think some of the lessons are sticking and they do generate a lot of “why?” follow ups, though perhaps not in the heat of the tantrum. And sometimes a lot of talking also seems to diffuse and deescalate the situation.

I completely agree. Reasoning with her does seem to work sometimes but lately she seems to be hard headed and not listening. I was also surprised with other people saying you can't reason/explain things to a 3 year old. I thought if she understood then we would avoid certain situations in the future

You asked for advice OP.

"for the past few few weeks, she has become so disobedient"

"Our cat has recently had kittens (5 weeks old)"

There is your link.

You may find posts on dealing with bad behaviour after birth of a new baby give some more ideas.

Oh OP I'm as strict as they come, but I never smack/hit. Please don't do it again.

3 year olds are like the worst roommate you've ever had times 1000. They are stubborn, they are headstrong, they are attention seeking, they are impulsive, they have very loud tantrums. They are disobedient. Welcome to being 3.

You need to distract and remove.

So don't bother explaining why you can't jump on the sofa, just remove them from jumping on the sofa and distract with a jumping game on the floor. This isn't rewarding bad behaviour, this is finding a positive outlet for 3 year olds energy.

Stamping on kittens. A firm no, remove and place child in back garden and say if you want to stamp, stamp in the mud, never stamp on kitten. Or remove child to another room and say "stomp around in here"

Distract and remove. Obviously this one you aren't going to join in, you are going to physically show your displeasure at the behaviour by not engaging playfully, i.e not giving that craved for attention. She will the associate stamping on kitten gives me even less/no attention.

@minimilkmaestro

"for the past few few weeks, she has become so disobedient"

"Our cat has recently had kittens (5 weeks old)"

There is your link.

You may find posts on dealing with bad behaviour after birth of a new baby give some more ideas.

Thank you. Yes, it must be the kittens. I thought this would be enjoyable for her to have experience the kittens growing up, seeing them born and having pets to look after. She has no reason to feel jealous. We keep them in a separate building and bring them in once a day for interaction. We encourage her to stroke them gently and play with them. I just can't understand why she would try to hurt one of them. We give her 99.9% of the attention

Stop explaining so much and try distractions.

If your child is jumping in the sofa, try and say "Heyyyyyy have you seen this out here...did I just see a flying pig!?!?" Then when you have her attention go on to a story about how if a flying pig was jumping on a sofa and it fell off, what would happen? Would it still be able to fly if it hurt its wing?

Distractions work so well.

But smacking to try and show that hurting other things is wrong, kind of defeats the purpose. Maybe she thought the kitten was doing wrong and she was trying to tell it off?

@TheChip

Stop explaining so much and try distractions.

If your child is jumping in the sofa, try and say "Heyyyyyy have you seen this out here...did I just see a flying pig!?!?" Then when you have her attention go on to a story about how if a flying pig was jumping on a sofa and it fell off, what would happen? Would it still be able to fly if it hurt its wing?

Distractions work so well.

But smacking to try and show that hurting other things is wrong, kind of defeats the purpose. Maybe she thought the kitten was doing wrong and she was trying to tell it off?

Smacking isn't something we usually do and yes in hindsight it wasn't the right thing to do.

Don’t hit your kid. She’s literally a child, there’s no justification for it, and what kind of lesson is she going to learn if the people who are supposed to unconditionally protect her hit her sometimes?

And yes I know you’re going to minimise it by saying it wasn’t hard, it was just on the hand, it’s only because she was so bad etc etc - all irrelevant. Don’t hit your child.

In terms of her behaviour, it’s very common for young children to go through phases like this. She’s only just learning about testing boundaries and exerting control. She doesn’t have a properly developed sense of empathy, or good impulse control.

You just need to continue to model good behaviour and assert boundaries. Try to tie the consequence to the behaviour - ‘I won’t let you hurt the kittens, so you can’t play with them any more’ etc.

Taking toys away isn’t going to help unless her bad behaviour was specifically related to that toy. The consequence has to make sense. For example, if she’s bouncing on the sofa the consequence would be removing her from the room that the sofa is in. If she’s throwing things, take away the thing she is throwing. Explain that you’re doing so because you can’t let her behave that way - ‘I can’t let you bounce on the sofa because you might hurt yourself. We’re going to the kitchen instead’ etc.

At the same time, make sure she has opportunities to do these activities in a safe way - throw a ball with her outside, bounce on a trampoline, etc.

There’s no quick fix. She’ll go through phases of this again and again. You have to keep being consistent, calm and fair.

1,2,3 magic by Dr Thomas Phelan is a fantastic book for helping you train toddlers , and older kids. I was at my wits end with my ds at 2/3 and the book was so good at helping me understand why he wasn't listening and how to implement consequences for his behaviour.

She's very bright and we teach and explain everything to her, this behaviour is very out of character.

After today's behaviour, I explained that if she fails to listen, I will take a toy of hers away. So far, 4 toys have been taken away. I am at a loss and unsure what else to do.

She is 3. You are mistaking the fact she can walk and talk as being a human who has learned to analyse and understand. She is really still a baby. I read somewhere that children cannot empathise at 3 so things like sharing toys with others is not in their ability. And kittens - would be the same.

I suspect much of your explanations about everything are a garbled wawawaw in the back ground whilst she is absorbed by playing with her toys or whatever.

This book is highly recommended
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also the parentof a threenager and it’s bloody exasperating! I completely disagree with other poster saying that you can’t reason/explain things to a 3yr old, we do and she understands.

A game changer for us has been a reward chart. We made it together and she made it pretty with glitter, she has to collect 15 stickers and then she can have a riding lesson (she’s pony mad). Over night her behavior changed and she’s so motivated 🙂 Is there something that your daughter is really into that you can use as leverage for good behavior?

Forgot to say that she gets a sticker for doing something that she didn’t previously do when asked- eg Ask her to stop jumping on the sofa and she’s listens straight away.

Keep her away from the kittens. She’s probably far too excited and overwhelmed.

Smacking her on the hand won’t help either. Teaching kids not to be violent, doesn’t work when you’re violent towards them.

I say this kindly, you are expecting way too much of your child. She may be clever but she doesn't see the world the same way as you yet and won't do for a long time.
Yes, you do need to explain why because that's how she will learn but in terms of appropriate behaviour and empathy you have to show her more than tell at this age.
Model the behaviour you want to see. Don't overstimulate her and overload with information.
Distraction is your friend. Telling off rarely works although you were right to come down strongly about the kitten. Smacking rarely works either, but I do sympathise when you're at the end of your patience - but there are better ways and smacking actually just models that someone bigger than you can hurt you.
Three is a very tumultuous age, they're still little and not in control of their feelings but also enjoying more freedom and control of their bodies.

OP I actually would be concerned about the hurting of the kitten. I think that's a red flag and worth discussing with GP / HV.

@flowerpootle

OP I actually would be concerned about the hurting of the kitten. I think that's a red flag and worth discussing with GP / HV.

@flowerpootle

She’s 3. When we first got our puppy, our 3 year old son was also violent towards it. Guess what? That phase passed and now he’s extremely gentle with the dog.

She’s 3. She has no, or very limited, empathy yet. She doesn’t understand. Obviously it’s not ideal but it’s not like she’s doing it maliciously. Do you know about child development?

@tegannotsovegan on this issue, yes I do. Our neighbours 3 year old was hurting the local cats and her parents took her for assessment. Turned out she had adhd and it was sensory. The expert who assessed her said it was a red flag and should be a cause for concern. There is also quite a lot of research on this.

Have you come across Alfie Kohn on 'Unconditional Parenting'. Taking toys away will be counterproductive in the long run and you definitely shouldn't smack.

@flowerpootle

It’s also an extremely normal part of development. I have ADHD and I’ve never hurt an animal. It’s not all down to being neurodiverse

@tegannotsovegan children hurting animals is absolutely not a normal part of child development and it's really concerning that you think it is.

And, sigh, I never said that all kids with ADHD hurt animals, just that this child psychologist said it was an issue that should be investigated.

Yes I don't think it's uncommon. Most of the toddler books I've read have ways to deal with hitting the dog etc, with no suggestion it's abnormal in any way.

Yes it is, and I’m surprised that you think it isn’t.

Stamping on a kitten is not a normal stage of child development. I'm leaving this thread now as I don't really feel this needs to be repeated.

Best of luck with your DD OP

She’s 3. Your expectations are way out of kilter with her development

Keep the kittens away from her until both the kittens and your daughter are older.

If there are things you don’t want her to do then say No and a child level explanation can follow. Your approach is too complicated.

A little smack on the hand is absolutely the right thing to do in response to trying to stamp on a kitten. Ignore people criticising you for this. She needed an immediate and crystal clear message that this isn't on. I don't agree with smacking but if a child does something like that or something extremely dangerous, a little smack on the hand is fine.