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Original poster

How do you decide whether to have a second?!

27 replies

Tataru · 29/08/2021 20:09

DD is 2.5 and the absolute light of my life. She is immensely cheerful, easygoing, happy, great sleeper, and we have so much fun together. I love being a parent to her and she has made life so much better.

We are now at the point where we are deciding whether to have another. DH is happy to do whatever I want (spectacularly unhelpful ) and I'm just so torn. I feel like I'm not ready to move on from this stage of life, but I'm also terrified that having another will ruin the dynamic we have and the relationship I have with my DD. I'm also worried about having a child who has additional needs as I am a little bit older and higher risk for that, and that making DD's life worse.

I was an only child, and a happy one, and my DH has siblings who he is relatively close to. So we have both sides of it and both had happy childhoods.

Time isn't on our side so I do need to make a decision soon, but it just seems like an impossible thing to decide. When I think about another baby I feel excited, but then I think about DD and also how much time to ourselves we have and I waver again. I'm also conscious that DD was such an easy baby that maybe I'm not prepared/cut out for having a baby and a toddler at the same time Although she would be in nursery three days by the time any new addition appeared.

DH is very hands on and does a lot but he does work full time whereas I am self-employed and will be the one taking mat leave and then part-time after that.

Has anyone else wrestled with this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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nc5698 · 29/08/2021 20:17

What are your reasons for wanting another child?

I see on MN all the time "I want to give my DD/DS a sibling" which I really don't think is a good enough answer.

I desperately wanted more than one child because I love being a mum. But I know plenty of women who were quite happily 'one and done'.

You say time isn't on your side? How old are you and your DH?

Original poster

Tataru · 29/08/2021 20:24

I'm about to turn 36, so not massively time sensitive, but I would also like them to be relatively close in age if we do have another as I think it would be hard to get completely out of the baby/toddler stage and then go back in. It feels like we might have missed the boat in a way if we did that.

I suppose my reason for having another would be that I've really enjoyed having this one and all the stages and I don't feel that I'm 'done'. I have enjoyed being a mum way more than I ever thought I would. I didn't actually want kids at all until a year or so before we conceived DD! So I was surprised by how much I have loved it.

I think DD would be perfectly happy with or without a sibling. I didn't have any and never really thought about it growing up so that's not really a consideration other than thinking about how it might affect her.

I need a crystal ball, I guess.

OP posts:

mondler · 30/08/2021 19:12

No advice I'm afraid but I'm in the same situation. I could have written this post myself. It's a tough one x

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

GreenBiro · 30/08/2021 19:19

If you had to make a decision in the next 10 seconds, which would you choose?

Bobholll · 30/08/2021 19:55

I’m an only child & I wish I wasn’t. That was my reason. I had a very happy childhood, my parents are great but my whole family is small, very quiet & not many kids. I never had many people to play with. I loved school as I was with my friends & I found the holidays very lonely. As a child, I longed for a sibling & was envious of my friends who did. That feeling hasn’t changed as I’ve become an adult. I wish there was someone else who shared my parents, the highs, the lows of our family life.

But that’s my experience obviously. My family still is small & not many kids (although more than when I was little). I didn’t want my DD to feel the same as me. My DH family live 5 hours away so my kids don’t see their cousins on that side regularly either. I work very hard to form friendships with mums of kids DD’s age & that has worked, we have a strong network of friends now at least. So there is that option.

I battled through two HG, very poorly pregnancies to give DD1 a sibling but I’m so so grateful. They are so cute together, DD1 adores DD2. I hope they stay friends through their life. I’m sure not always but being a mum to two is brilliant. I love them both so so much, I actually think I love DD1 more now watching her be so kind & loving to DD2! My heart has expanded beyond measure ❤️

Opalfeet · 30/08/2021 20:04

Wanting them to have a sibling is as good a reason as any. People will have different reasons and that's fine. I knew I wanted another after we had our first. Got pregnant quickly but it wasn't to be. Now have a sibling for our first and there's two years between them. I had the second when I was 41.

readwhatiactuallysay · 30/08/2021 20:10

We just thought of the reasons why we wanted another child.

Our reasons were actually nothing to do with myself and my husband actually wanting another child.

It was to give DS a friend for life- ridiculous as its very much not true.

Another one was for when we die DS doesn't have to deal with it alone - again absolutely not a guarantee at all

We were happy to stay with an only as the truth is, he is all we could ever want.

blitzen · 30/08/2021 20:14

I'm in the same boat, OP, except DS was a terrible sleeper and definitely not an easy baby. But he is so brilliant and I love being his mama. I don't know what to do either!

PoppyDotx · 30/08/2021 20:27

It's so hard isn't it, each reason always has a positive and negative answer:-

Friend for life, they'll have someone when you die, they'll have someone to be bonded to when in reality that's not always the case, some siblings don't get on but of course some do.

I'm very much in the same position.

Temple29 · 30/08/2021 20:31

I wasn’t sure how much being a parent would suit me before I had my first baby but, like you, I loved it! So it was an easy decision to have another and we did 17 months after the first. Have loved it as much second time around and am glad DS1 has a buddy, especially throughout lockdowns.

Would you regret not having another down the line do you think?

Twizbe · 30/08/2021 20:34

I always knew I wanted two kids. We'd had fertility issues with DS and I had him at 32. We didn't want to wait till long to TTC again in case it took years. It didn't and DD arrived almost exactly 2 years after DS.

I've loved having two but I knew when o got pregnant again that this was the last one. That feeling has never changed. I'm planning now to be sterilised. It's a very very clear 'I'm done' for me.

I didn't have that after DS, I knew I wasn't done. That said, I'd always wanted a boy and after going through infertility, I also knew I could be done. Id made peace with being one and done if I had to be.

I'm not sure if this helps. It sounds like you're not done yet

ShrimpingViolet · 30/08/2021 20:40

I was in exactly the same boat OP. Same age DD and had exactly the same mental wrestling match as you.

We decided to go for it after losing a very close family member. It made us realise what is important and I wanted to meet our second child.

ShrimpingViolet · 30/08/2021 20:40

Should add I haven't met them yet! Currently pregnant. I feel much less scared now we have actually gone for it than I did at the thought of it, if that makes sense.

Optionnumber2 · 30/08/2021 20:41

I was an only child, and was always keen for a sibling. I had lots of friends as a child but it was always something I felt I wanted.

DH is one of 4, thought this was too many, so he always wanted two kids. So we both agreed on two but for different reasons. I had them at 29 and 32.

Original poster

Tataru · 30/08/2021 20:42

Thanks, everyone! Currently wrestling with a broken boiler so will return properly later/tomorrow, but I've read all your replies and lots of good points and food for thought there.

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/08/2021 20:48

I don’t know why people stress about their relationship with their current DC- a child, especially one so young would just accept theres a sibling.
I think have another child ultimately helps make life a little easier ie. not being your child’s only companion, not having to constantly arrange play dates- obviously you have to want to handle another child on their own right but yes a lot of it was to give DD a sibling

BertieBotts · 30/08/2021 20:54

I've really enjoyed having this one and all the stages and I don't feel that I'm 'done'.

I think this is a good enough reason but I have always wanted more than one and am loving getting to redo all the stages. I am on my third and I think last. But a little part of me is like ohhhh, never getting to do this newborn bit again would be terrible! :o

Watching the relationship develop between them is lovely too.

WimpoleHat · 30/08/2021 20:59

I'm also terrified that having another will ruin the dynamic we have and the relationship I have with my DD.

I was exactly the same and was convinced I was only having one. Then came an unplanned pregnancy. I was terrified of the impact on my first child. But actually, having a little sister has been fantastic for her; she loved her! The two of them have an amazing bond and watching that is one of the absolute highlights of motherhood for me. (That said, I do know that not all kids get on and that this isn’t a guaranteed outcome. But it has been my experience and I’m so glad I had the second one.)

NiceGerbil · 30/08/2021 21:03

I always assumed if I had children it would be two. I am one of two and got on so week with my brother when we were young. Hit a few years distance around puberty! But such happy memories.

DH is one of three and would have had at least 3.

I wanted to give someone to be with play with etc. Yes some siblings don't get on so well but there's still, it's not usually their whole lives.

And if they do it's much easier for the parents as well!.

Just doing what we knew I suppose. No more involved than that.

NiceGerbil · 30/08/2021 21:04

For me it was about being nice for them rather than about me or DH iyswim.

NiceGerbil · 30/08/2021 21:05

Mine have a 2 year gap are 12 and 14. Piss each other off sometimes obv but generally get on really well. They are really affectionate with each other still. It's lovely :)

MyMabel · 30/08/2021 21:07

I only started wanting two when pregnant with DD - then I had to have a c section and because of my health anxiety my mental health plummeted with constant worry during recovery.

Was happy with just one until DD started walking, so she was about 8/9 months old, she started playing with her slightly older cousin and just seemed a bit lost whenever we came home and she was playing on her own; I see her light up when the girls come over and she’s got someone to play with.

My kind was completely made up when someone I knew lost their remaining parent and had no siblings who mourn with, they said it was a really lonely time and they slightly resented their parents for not having a sibling as they now feel as if they have no one (they do have other family but obviously no immediate)

Im pregnant now😂 DD is 20 months and I’m 11 weeks. Wish I’d done it sooner though!

ParkheadParadise · 30/08/2021 21:08

I had dd1 very young, so having another was never something I planned.
At 38 when Dd1 was 23 I found out I was 5 months pregnant 🙈🙈
Dd2 is one of the best things to happen to us.

Notfastjustfurious · 30/08/2021 21:18

I had this dilemma after having dd1, didn't want the pregnancy and birth (both were awful) but worried about her being lonely as we live fairly rural. Both dh and I have brothers we're not close too and I know I would have been more than happy as an only child. So I downloaded an app that predicted fertility and on the day told dh we'd take one shot if it happens it happens. Anyway there's a two year gap between dad's and they were very lucky to have each other over lock down.

billiebeeme · 30/08/2021 21:27

I just knew I wasn't done with 1. Never really saw us as a family of 3. Always felt like there was someone missing. I absolutely loved my mat leave with dd1. She was like ur daughter an absolute light. She slept through from 6 wks and was always a happy baby and toddler. Hardly ever cried and just a bundle of fun.

I got pregnant really quickly when we started trying for number 2 and my first was only 2 and half. I must say I have struggled massively with having 2. My husband too, he helps out a lot but we're both surprised by how much harder having 2 kids is to one. I'd still say it is worth it and I'm glad I had her but maybe in hindsight I'd have waited a bit longer but I wouldn't want a big age gap either and they only have 2 school years between them so I can work school hours when youngest goes to school.

I work 3 days per week but feel absolutely knackered. Youngest is nearly 2 and still doesn't sleep great. I mean mainly sleeps 12hrs but not often straight through the night. In and out my bed a few times and sometimes up screaming 🙈 We hardly ever get any time to ourselves, usually we have a child each or sometimes I have them both on top of me fighting for cuddles etc. I do feel like I don't get enough 1 on 1 time with them. I also feel like I'm wishing away the youngest to get to the next easier phase. She is quite whingey and clingy but fairly happy overall but not like dd1. They fight quite a bit too I can't trust either of them together. The little one bites, hits and nips and the older one has started retaliating. They also love each other to bits though lol. Basically it's just very different to having 1 child. It was sooooo easy before. House is also now a bomb site regardless of fact I do so much more cleaning and tidying than before!

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