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Parenting

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Original poster

Finding newborn stage so tough.

27 replies

mumtobee22 · 29/08/2021 20:03

Hi guys my baby is 3 weeks old and I'm finding the newborn stage extremely tough. Most days I just feel like crying and crying and I do cry and just want my old life back. I cry for my old life back. I'm only 20 years old and I miss going out with my friends and doing the things I used to do. I'm so tired it's so tiring my baby just cries constantly he never sleeps. I don't speak to the dad at all we fell out . I find it so hard taking him out in public too as he just cries. I'm so tired I'm finding the night feeds exhausting I just want him to sleep through the night. I love him so much and he means the world to me but sometimes I wish I could give him up and I feel soo bad because he means the world to me and I love him. But I just can't stop crying I want my old life back it's so tough I don't think I can carry on until he gets older. When does it get easier someone please ...

OP posts:

LeavesOffTheCactus · 29/08/2021 20:08

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I also went through a phase where I was shocked at how awful looking for a baby was, and I was 10 years older than you and I thought I was prepared. I wasn’t.

The good news is that it does get better - you might expect one or two months and then it will start to get better bit by bit. Each month that passes they cry less and less. At a year they’re a lot more robust. At 18 months they are an absolute delight.

Do you have any support?

Also does he really cry all the time? If so there might be something bothering him - upset tummy? Is he breast or formula fed? My baby had cows milk protein allergy (super common) and as he was breastfed I cut milk out of my diet and he was so much better about 24 hours later. Reflux is another common issue.

Do you know any other mums? Look for your local Childrens centre

Spudlet · 29/08/2021 20:09

He is safe and loved and warm and fed, and that is everything. You are doing a great job.

The baby blues are normal - it is bloody hard, and all a bit of a shock at first. I found it incredibly tough. If you are doing it all by yourself, it must be even more so. But if you continue to feel like this, please talk to your HV or GP. They can help you. You do not have to feel like this.

It will get easier, he will grow up and you will get into the swing of it. You will get more confident about your own abilities and you and he will get to know each other. It takes time, but you will get there. But please, talk to someone in real life about these feelings.

Ihaveoflate · 29/08/2021 20:13

Honestly, this will not be your life forever. Things do change and feel easier relatively quickly, though it doesn't seem like it at the time. It's also fucking hard.

Reach out to your GP or health visitor if you feel your mental health deteriorate. There are services that can help you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 20 years old Babies & sleep Families

Chelyanne · 29/08/2021 20:19

It gets better when you stop pining for your old life. Babies are time consuming and exhausting, you will get through it. You will find a good routine eventually and it will feel easier in general, though there will always be ups and downs. Just enjoy the wonderful parts if parenthood and always remember those hard times pass.
Our newborn is almost 3 weeks old, I don't get much sleep either so you have my sympathies. Baby number 6 for us so I'm an old hand at this lark and knew what I was in for, I love it though (especially the newborn snuggles).

cherrytree975 · 29/08/2021 20:24

At 18 months they are an absolute delight.

@LeavesOffTheCactus are they really? Because my child is almost 17 months, still not a reliable sleeper, constantly shouts and has tantrums and is generally quite demanding. I can’t imagine that one more month is going to make that much of a difference (although I hope it does!)

Jojo19834 · 29/08/2021 20:27

I have a 13 month old now and I HATED the newborn stage so much. But what I can tell you is that it passes, and quickly. I cannot believe my daughter is one already. I could never understand when people would say ‘it’s just a phase’. But I totally get it now. Having a child is the hardest thing I have ever done. The change to your life is insane and I spent every moment wondering what the hell I had done and how I could undo it. But I don’t feel like that now, ever. You are not alone in how you feel. Get to baby groups, go out with friends for coffee. You will be fine. You got this.

Also, you have heard of the baby blues? This is prime time so emotionally it should get better. If it doesn’t, do speak to your doctor (my HV took no note when I told her how bad I was feeling). I had PND and there are ways to help, but at 3 weeks it is likely to pass.

I’m a single parent too, it’s tough but so rewarding.

AliceW89 · 29/08/2021 20:31

Hated the newborn stage. My DS didn’t sleep, cried A LOT and I spent the first 4 months thinking ‘what the f**k have I done?’ I literally don’t know what ‘newborn snuggles’ are because all mine did was scream and try and fight being held. I have an amazing husband and I’m 10 years + older than you as well so I don’t know how you are coping. Please reach out to your GP if things feel at crisis point.

It gets better. When you are in the depths of an unsettled newborn it it’s hard to imagine things getting better. It feels like you’ll have a tiny, helpless, screaming baby who never sleeps forever. But I promise you it does get better relatively quickly. My toddler is an absolute legend now and I wouldn’t change him for anything. I still miss my old life, but with each passing month that feeling gets less and my enjoyment and adjustment to this new life strengthens.

wingingitalltheway · 29/08/2021 20:31

The newborn stage is AWFUL. You are not the first mum to feel like that and you won’t be the last. I absolutely hated it if I’m honest, and looking back, I think I probably did have PND. Things do get better slowly (although personally I would have loved to know specifically when so I had something to look forward to).
Practically - do you have again support?
Try going out at least once a day - a walk, coffee etc. Some of the family centres run free baby groups which are a god send! I know it can be overwhelming taking a baby out but it will be worth it.

minipie · 29/08/2021 20:41

Oh love. I hated the newborn stage so much.

For me things improved a little at 8 weeks, then a lot around 16 weeks. Then big improvements at 6 months, 10 months and 15-18 months.

I am sure that seems like forever away but it will happen, just keep going one day at a time.

Do you have any support? Friends around? Parents?

LeavesOffTheCactus · 29/08/2021 20:44

@cherrytree975

At 18 months they are an absolute delight.

@LeavesOffTheCactus are they really? Because my child is almost 17 months, still not a reliable sleeper, constantly shouts and has tantrums and is generally quite demanding. I can’t imagine that one more month is going to make that much of a difference (although I hope it does!)

Hmmm maybe I’m remembering with rose tinted spectacles!! Now that you’re reminding me, at 18 months my son did find it hilarious to throw food, cutlery etc, was a bit of a hitter/biter too… but I broke and sleep trained him at 15 months (which was so much less awful than I’d been told - I recommend it) so at least he was a brilliant sleeper which makes all the difference! Also in my opinion although the 1-2 phase has its own challenges, by then I had settled myself and as someone else said, stopped pining for my old life, and I found it so much easier. Also there is no experience more soul-destroying than hearing your newborn cry for hours on end.

I promise you OP - not even 4 month olds cry like newborns do. It will improve.

AliceW89 · 29/08/2021 20:48

Also there is no experience more soul-destroying than hearing your newborn cry for hours on end.

This. Even on days when DS (15 mo) is being a moany, food throwing sod who still doesn’t sleep…it’s infinitely better than a screaming newborn.

ShrimpingViolet · 29/08/2021 20:50

Oh love. It's so very tough, especially with the dad not around to help share the load.

My DD is two and when we first brought her home I thought we had also ruined our lives, and I was 31 and with a very supportive partner. I promise it gets easier.

And also please remember you are not alone. So many new mums feel like you do, and when you're in the thick of it it's hard to remember that it doesn't last forever. You think this is your life now and that's it. But these hard times are fleeting and at three weeks old there's very little you get back.

When your little boy starts to smile and interact it will slowly start to get easier. Don't get me wrong, parenting little ones is always bloody tough - but a little while down the line it'll be worth it.

Be kind to yourself and take up any offers of support whenever you can

FTEngineerM · 29/08/2021 20:52

At 18 months they are an absolute delight.

I think this sort of comment perpetuates this hope that one day it’ll all be ok. I found it really frustrating when everyone say 6m it gets easier, blah blah, and it didn’t.. it was getting worse.

The early days are lonely and shit even with a partner so I can only imagine what it’s like doing it alone. Are there any things that you do that stop the crying? Is the baby in any pain or discomfort?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 29/08/2021 21:01

I was you 17 months ago. I also wrote a post on MN about it. I was so, so sad.

I think all the social media stuff about instant love and happiness and women out and about enjoying life with their newborns is rubbish. It may be the reality for some, but I think for most it isnt. Your baby is safe and warm and loved and fed. Always remember this - you will sleep again, you will be able to go out again, you will regain a sense of 'you' (it'll be a different you, but its no bad thing - motherhood has changed me for the better). Hang in there.

Welshiefluff · 29/08/2021 21:21

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Letsallscreamatthesistene · 29/08/2021 21:22

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Welshiefluff · 29/08/2021 21:28

I do not mean that in a bad way. My first was not planned and I needed to really knuckle down and accept the new normal it took a little while but now I am loving it. It was not easy but I came to realise I needed a new mindset after a friend had a long talk with me.

Initially I had a load of people mollycoddling me and it was no help whatsoever. Because I did not understand why I was struggling.

Imnewhere1991 · 29/08/2021 21:29

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

I was you 17 months ago. I also wrote a post on MN about it. I was so, so sad.

This was me too. Good advice.

Bellagonna · 29/08/2021 21:31

I found the first 6 months shit both times. It's so hard establishing feeding and just getting physically well yourself after the birth, the lack of sleep etc. 6-18 months tolerable and then after that they can talk and you start to see cute human rather than needy-thing. At least that's my experience.

I would speak to the GP and try and rope in as much support as possible to get you some rest.

Ohsoquiiieeetttttt454333 · 29/08/2021 21:32

@Welshiefluff not hugely helpful at all… and agree with previous poster re your post!!

Oh OP it’s so tough the newborn stage, it really is. That heightened by the factor that you don’t have anyone else to share the load with is so hard.
It’s okay not to be okay… it’s also okay to ask for help…: we have all been there, trust me. What support do you have, if any? Is your health visitor any good? Friends / family? I promise you it does get easier, it really does, but that doesn’t help you now I know that xx

BigGooseyLucy · 29/08/2021 21:38

Don't give up. It must be awful feeling like you do at the moment but you won't feel like this forever.

Can you give your GP a call and have a chat this week ?

Stay strong !

ThisOldSaddo · 29/08/2021 21:52

I swear it passes.

Do enough to get through - and it will get better. I promise.

BaringasMare · 29/08/2021 21:58

Oh honey. You’re in the middle of the toughest part. I promise it is going to get easier. I felt like a turned a real corner at 6 weeks, and by 12 weeks we were flying.

Is there anyone - family or friend - who can support you a bit? It’s ok and normal to need a break sometimes.

Hang in there, it’s all going to come good.

atz333 · 29/08/2021 22:12

It is so tough in the first few weeks. My daughter is 9 months old now and it definitely gets easier! I had the baby blues and definitely some pnd (I still struggle sometimes). But as time goes on, your baby will hopefully start sleeping better and you'll get a bit of a breather here and there. Also, you'll get used to life with a baby and that will help you to not feel so awful as well. If and when you can, have someone watch your little one and have a nap or get some fresh air on your own. It really helps.

Original poster

mumtobee22 · 31/08/2021 20:48

Thanks for all the lovely comments guys. I have support from my mum but I still find it so hard and I'm scared to talk to her about it because she's so in love with the baby

OP posts:

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