Please help me with my 1 year old

[Helplessandalone1874]

Firstly thank you for looking at my post, I can't tell you how desperate I am for your help and support.

I have a 12.5 month old little girl, im struggling with her beyond words to the point I actually hate her as a person.

She doesn't kiss or hug me EVER. She makes a continuous moany of grunting noise in general but that only amplifies if I try and pick her up or interact with her.

She eats brilliantly, sleeps reasonably well, isn't currently teething, no illnesses or temperature.

She constantly hits and throws herself back when in the company of other people (friends, family ect) I find myself constantly apologising for her appalling, embarrassing behaviour.

If she has done something really naughty eg hit another child or thrown a toy I always tell her off, "we don't hit because it hurts but we can be gentle like this...."

If its just a general tantrum about something minor eg I want to eat that pencil but my mum won't let me have it

"You can't eat the pencil because it isn't for eating but you can chew on this teething ring" if it continuous i ignore the tantrum and just tell her "mummy is here when you need me" and basically let her cry it out.

Without sounding like the worst mum in the world I really have created a horrible child, nothing makes her happy, she hates me and her dad, is constantly frustrated and angry, I feel like my head is just above water.

She is walking but can't walk far (she can walk the length of the living room)

I guess the whole point of this post is trying to find some reassurance as to if it is a phase and it will pass or if you have any advice, I don't feel like I'm a lazy parent, so why is she so horrible, I see everyone else's 1 year old and they are so kind, happy and fun, I just regret ever having her 😢

She is 1. She does not understand "gentle parenting". Just don't allow her to have pencils or similar within reach. She is still a very little baby. No one year old can understand "we don't hit" etc.

She is 12 months old
Play peekaboo
Does she laugh?
What toys does she like?
She is just one
You cannot expect her to act like a three year old.or understand long explanations. Just remove what she cannot eat .
Speak to your hv who can observe and offer advice

continuous moany of grunting noise in general but that only amplifies if I try and pick her up or interact with her

She is communicating with you.
Is it go away many
Or a good moany sound?

Hugs. It’s horrible not to enjoy parenting.
It sounds like maybe she is frustrated too. Is there anything she does like doing? Being outside? Sandpit? Bath?

I’d do 2 things. First is to try and do fun things that she enjoys as much as possible to try and build that bond between you and to focus on the good stuff.
Second is to model kissing and hugging with other people and yourself so she sees it.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job with teaching her how to behave around others. Keep going with that. Things will get better. Best wishes

I have a 1 year old and I thought I would be able to control her at this age, how wrong I was 😂 she does wtf she wants and even when I say no she does it again and laughs at me, bloody charming.

There is no telling mine at this age, I trust she will grow out of it, we’ve got a while yet though, lord help us! Don’t get too hung up on other parents and comparing to theirs, you only see a snap shot. I sure other people see qualities in you and your little one that they think ‘oh I wish we were a bit more like that’ people just don’t say it!

Ps we ask mine for a kiss and she just shakes her head and says no…. We ask twenty times a day and are yet to have success, both me and Dad! It’s good to know it’s not just us x

My 20mo has only started giving kisses and hugs now. Do any 12 months old do this?
You're using techniques that parents of 2 to 3 years old would use.
Your little one is a baby and doesn't understand what you're saying when trying to reason with her.

It IS just a phase. It will get better. She is still learning and testing boundaries. It will get better.

Kisses and hugs started at around 15 months with my two, I'd be pushed away before then. Both very affectionate now (but still pushing boundaries!)

She is barely even one - she's not misbehaving or doing things to be naughty. She's a baby. And while gentle parenting is good for toddlers, she's too young to understand what you are telling her. Just take things away and give her a toy or distract her with something else. It sounds like you're expecting what would be usual of a 2–3 year old from a baby, so please chill out about it. If you have concerns about her development then speak to your health visitor, but adjust your expectations!

No kisses and hugs here at one.

You’re doing great and I know it can be a massive pressure - if you’re worried speak to your HV. It’s so much easier when communication gets easier.

When my little boy hits ( he's nearly 14 months) we tell him to tickle tickle and show him and he normally copy's instead of hitting.

Little ones this age don’t understand naughty etc
They’re trying to process new things every day.

I think your admonishments are too complicated. A simple “no” and then distraction works better at this age. Or a ah ah ah if you get tired of the word no. A few months down the line add stuff like that hursts or dangerous.

As for the kisses and cuddles- I reckon all babies do this on purpose haha

One year olds really model behaviour so I feed dd and then she tries to feed me or I pick things up and put them in the box and she’ll have a go. Hug her a lot and kiss her. I make kissing noises and pretend to kiss her all over. Smile at her and blow raspberries. When my four year old burps my one year old thinks it’s amazing and the funniest thing ever. She will start doing these things back.
I am starting to say no don’t do that when she does something she shouldn’t but I don’t expect her to obey. If she looks at me it’s good.
Anything you don’t want her to have needs to be out of reach. If she does get something she shouldn’t have swap it for something interesting that she can have.
Reading board books together is good fun. Babies love it when you carry them and dance. Dd has a bag of baby toys, I never get the toys out of the bag just sit her and the bag close together and she has a great time emptying it. Tonight she joined in putting away the online grocery shopping. Other times she likes to empty the clean laundry out of the basket one item at a time! Just let her safely explore because that’s how they learn.
Sing songs, bbc schools radio nursery rhymes are great if you google it.

Agree with PPs you’re expecting too much.

At 12M it’s not about parenting it’s about firefighting! Keep her safe and happy and the rest will come.

Continuous moany grunty noise

• have you been to GP for a development check?

I agree with a lot of what the PPs are saying but I also hear some developmental alarm bells that could be related to autism, or a learning disability perhaps.

I think you're not mad or necessarily expecting too much 🤍. Most 1yos do show affection and interaction and enjoyment.

See your doctor OP and explain your concerns about her behaviour in comparison to her peers, perhaps in a more neutral way.

I say this as gently as possible, but it really sounds like you’re expecting too much from her. She’s still a baby!

The grunting and throwing herself backwards I’d guess is her communicating and trying to express her feelings. My DS used to do the same, and he’d hit himself. I was so bloody worried about him I took him to the GP, who suggested I keep a diary of when and the circumstances around why he was doing it - turns out they were almost always linked to an emotional thing for him, and this was his way of feeling it out. I started explaining the emotions to him, and acknowledging them. Took a while, but he did for the most part stop doing it. He has a speech delay, but his understanding is great, and it seemed that his knowing I understood why he was upset helped to calm him as he couldn’t say the words.

DD started walking on her first birthday, DS was 14 months. They couldn’t walk very far. It takes time.

It’s A ok to not love every single stage of parenting (2-3.5y so far for me has been a bastard with my DTs!) but to say you hate her as a person seems quite strong to me, unless it was written in anger? Maybe I’ve read it wrong. If you’re struggling, I’d really recommend reaching out for some support from your HV or GP.

I think you just have really unrealistic expectations of what one year olds are like / are capable of. She’s not naughty and her behaviour isn’t appalling. She is literally just a baby - she has absolutely no concept of will power / impulse control / good behaviour etc. She can’t be naughty because she has no way of knowing what ‘good’ behaviour is.

You need to stop expecting her to behave like a 4 year old, and start recognising the developmental stage she is at. Keep things she isn’t allowed out of reach. Play age appropriate games with her. Accept that she’s a long way off being able to control her behaviour in any meaningful way. Adjust your expectations.

Are you okay op? In yourself, I mean? The first year is so hard. I had awful PND for over a year and it took me a long time to realise that's what it was.

She constantly hits and throws herself back when in the company of other people (friends, family ect) I find myself constantly apologising for her appalling, embarrassing behaviour.

I think you need to remind yourself that the world she inhabits is not the same world as you inhabit. She sees and experiences things from an entirely different perspective and sometimes things are quite scary and overwhelming to her. There is a lot that she doesn't yet understand. She doesn't have an intuitive understanding of social norms and appropriate behaviour...it's up to you to teach her that over time and it's a slow, slow process.

On the cuddles/affection thing, do you smile at her and show affection to her? Do peek-a-boo or make silly faces? She will only mirror back what she receives from you. It will show if you're constantly exasperated or stressed around her so these small interactions aren't happening.

@BrownEyedSquirrel

My 20mo has only started giving kisses and hugs now. Do any 12 months old do this? You're using techniques that parents of 2 to 3 years old would use. Your little one is a baby and doesn't understand what you're saying when trying to reason with her.

This!

My DS is three and will still say no to hugs and kisses 9 times out of 10. Some children are just not that affectionate, it's their personality.

And yes you are expecting waaaay too much from a baby. I know how hard it can be when your dc are acting up in front of people, it can be mortifying. But your DD is literally still a baby, she's not "acting up", she doesn't really understand that concept yet.

There's lots of posts that may feel a little less than supportive to the op. I agree with @pecanmix are you okay? Do you get a break? Do you have support?

Hope you can get through this stage, they do tantrum early and at that age there's no reasoning with them so it can be tough. Despite people saying the terrible twos, I think it should be named the terrible ones!

Agree that your expectations are too high. She's still a baby - she's not being naughty, she's just being. Long winded telling off aren't going to work - you need a quick no and move her/distract. It is just a phase but it's hard going.

Look at what you can change
If she's throwing a lot, get some balls or bean bags and get her to throw them outside instead
Is she getting enough exercise
Has she got the right toys that engage her (as much as they can when you're just 1yo)

Are you getting breaks? Have you got help or can you go out and do exercise class or something you enjoy? Parenting can be boring, frustrating repetitive, so just make sure you have you time to gave Excercise or something you enjoy.. Also daughter got no teeth till she was one.. is she teething? This will pass, although when you’re in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel that way

OP, firstly like others I think you really need to look after yourself, to not be enjoying parenting to this extent and regret having her must be emotionally very difficult, do you think you may have PND? How have you felt generally over her first year?

You need to adjust your expectations, my 12 month old does not give hugs or kisses, I’ve never expected him to. He doesn’t stay still long enough to show ‘affection’ in the way we would as adults but that’s fine. As others have pointed out, the way you’re communicating with her is way above her head. She’s not naughty and her behaviour is not appalling, she’s a baby. What has she enjoyed previously? Does she have toys or games that she likes? It can be really relentless and babies tend to go through grizzly periods when they’re mastering a skill, so starting to walk could have impacted her. Has she had her 12 month review, what does the HV say about her communication?

You’ve done the right thing by reaching out, I think you need support quite urgently. You need to talk to your gp and health visitor about how you’re feeling and be honest like you’ve been her, you may be able to access a parenting course which would help you develop your relationship with your daughter, and mental health support for you if you need it. I think this is quite urgent because regardless of how well you think you mask it, your feelings towards her will show through and this will have a serious impact on her and her attachment if it continues.

X

Another poster wrote about a group called homestart. www.home-start.org.uk/find-support .. Perhaps of interest ?