Please help me with my 1 year old

[Helplessandalone1874]

Firstly thank you for looking at my post, I can't tell you how desperate I am for your help and support.

I have a 12.5 month old little girl, im struggling with her beyond words to the point I actually hate her as a person.

She doesn't kiss or hug me EVER. She makes a continuous moany of grunting noise in general but that only amplifies if I try and pick her up or interact with her.

She eats brilliantly, sleeps reasonably well, isn't currently teething, no illnesses or temperature.

She constantly hits and throws herself back when in the company of other people (friends, family ect) I find myself constantly apologising for her appalling, embarrassing behaviour.

If she has done something really naughty eg hit another child or thrown a toy I always tell her off, "we don't hit because it hurts but we can be gentle like this...."

If its just a general tantrum about something minor eg I want to eat that pencil but my mum won't let me have it

"You can't eat the pencil because it isn't for eating but you can chew on this teething ring" if it continuous i ignore the tantrum and just tell her "mummy is here when you need me" and basically let her cry it out.

Without sounding like the worst mum in the world I really have created a horrible child, nothing makes her happy, she hates me and her dad, is constantly frustrated and angry, I feel like my head is just above water.

She is walking but can't walk far (she can walk the length of the living room)

I guess the whole point of this post is trying to find some reassurance as to if it is a phase and it will pass or if you have any advice, I don't feel like I'm a lazy parent, so why is she so horrible, I see everyone else's 1 year old and they are so kind, happy and fun, I just regret ever having her 😢

Thank you for all of your comments, I appreciate each and every one of them.

No I get very little support, the only support that I do get are family that tell me how naughty she is and how terrible her temper is and their only advise is "well you need to nip that in the bud" but I don't know how to do that...

A lot of people are telling me I am expecting too much by explaining what she is doing wrong, I don't do it to get her to understand what she has done wrong, but if I just tell her no she throws a huge tantrum whereas its almost if I explain to her she will stay calm enough for me to tell her no if that makes sense, for example if I take her out of her high chair once she has eaten she will arch her back and kick her legs, whereas if I tell her that the food has all gone and we are getting out she will let me get her out without arching her back ect. Its almost as if she knows something is going to happen when I start using my explaining voice.

I also understand that not all one year old give affection but you can't even pick her up without her kicking off, she hates any form of physical contact even though with her being so little it is essential (in and out of high chair, in and out of cot ect.)

She just hates being around anyone, its so so sad.

Between about 1-3 years old my kids were pretty feral. As a teacher ( mainly teaching kids with major behavioural needs) I found it embarrassing!

But the mellowed and now I cam reason/bribe with them!

I'd reduce contact with your family and try your best to enjoy your child without their unhelpful input. She's not naughty and bad-tempered, she's a baby who is struggling to communicate.

It sounds like the explaining is fine and soothes her. You're not really expecting her to understand what you're saying and act on it, but you're using your tone to communicate with her. Parents should talk to their children as much as possible so you're doing a good job there. I'd still do a firm no and moving away if she does "naughty" things though. Also make sure you're reading to her regularly if you're not doing this already... don't worry if she won't sit still, just read aloud to yourself and make a big deal of enjoying the book and she may come along to see what all the fuss is about.

I found parallel playing quite useful at this stage. When my DC was being moany, I'd ignore them and play alongside them (build block towers etc.). Then when my DC came to join in, even if it was just knocking down my tower, I'd use a really bright and positive tone to say "Do you want to play too? That's great!". Also lying on the floor, as my DC could never resist crawling over me and then would laugh when I roared. Or letting them play horsey. My DC always enjoyed physical rough and tumble but wasn't big on kisses and cuddles.

There may be something more at play so definitely speak to your HV although your DC's so young they'll probably say wait and see. All you can really do in the meantime is try to provide a happy and stimulating environment for your baby and ignore people's age-inappropriate expectations.

Ah... family commenting on behaviour in a negative way is horrible, I had the same with mine! Adds so much extra pressure on to you (or me!) I think, and is very upsetting.

I think people tend to forget how annoying young children are once theirs are older. And of course, theirs never behaved like that. Maybe they didn’t (and they were lucky) or they did and they forgot.

Speak to your HV if you have concerns about her, but otherwise the passing of time will help - it’s just a question of hanging on in there, and doing what you can do to minimise the behaviour.

@diddlediddle

I agree with a lot of what the PPs are saying but I also hear some developmental alarm bells that could be related to autism, or a learning disability perhaps.

I think you're not mad or necessarily expecting too much 🤍. Most 1yos do show affection and interaction and enjoyment.

See your doctor OP and explain your concerns about her behaviour in comparison to her peers, perhaps in a more neutral way.

Yes I agree with this.

The narrating things is great, as long as you aren’t expecting her to understand. The bit that worried me slightly in that was you saying you tell her that mummy is there if she needs you and leaving her to cry, because obviously she won’t understand what you’re saying there. If my DS is upset like that because I’ve taken something away from him he also doesn’t like me picking him and cuddling him, he needs distracting, so a different toy, pick up a book, take him to a different room, ooo look what can I see out the window etc. Obviously babies cry sometimes but leaving her to ‘cry it out’ frequently is not good for her. It’s really unhelpful that your family are adding to your distress on this and putting pressure on you, that’s not helpful. My family were a bit like that when my DS would only sleep on me.

Have you had your 10-12 month check with the HV? Were concerns raised about her communication? You say she doesn’t show affection, but does she laugh, smile? Does she babble? Has she done these things previously but stopped doing them now as if she’s getting grumpy? Something I’ve read on here frequently is that some babies just hate being babies, and get very frustrated because they want to be more independent than they are!

@Helplessandalone1874

Thank you for all of your comments, I appreciate each and every one of them.

No I get very little support, the only support that I do get are family that tell me how naughty she is and how terrible her temper is and their only advise is "well you need to nip that in the bud" but I don't know how to do that...

A lot of people are telling me I am expecting too much by explaining what she is doing wrong, I don't do it to get her to understand what she has done wrong, but if I just tell her no she throws a huge tantrum whereas its almost if I explain to her she will stay calm enough for me to tell her no if that makes sense, for example if I take her out of her high chair once she has eaten she will arch her back and kick her legs, whereas if I tell her that the food has all gone and we are getting out she will let me get her out without arching her back ect. Its almost as if she knows something is going to happen when I start using my explaining voice.

I also understand that not all one year old give affection but you can't even pick her up without her kicking off, she hates any form of physical contact even though with her being so little it is essential (in and out of high chair, in and out of cot ect.)

She just hates being around anyone, its so so sad.

She may be responding to your calm explaining voice while not understanding what is being said she likes the attention so calm talking is good

She doesn't hate aNything
She is reacting and there may be a reason
But may have sensory issues

Can you list what she does like and shows she likes? Music toys books messy play? What fies she go for if on the floor?

But Ask for a,review with h v
They can go thru a one year check list
And hv can refer for a paediatrician check and assessment if needs be.

Also check basics like vision and hearing

There nay be drop in speech therapy sessions you can go as much about communication both ways as anything
Does her dad live with you?
What does he say?

How can you not like her as a person when she isn't even a proper person yet? She's a tiny baby who has no understanding of the words coming out of your mouth. This is a problem with you and your mental health, not your babies behaviour (which is extremely normal). I think you need to seek help in ways to deal with everyday life better, such as talking to your gp or a private therapist. It is alarming that you're saying you don't like your baby. Some children can have hard temperaments but she is a baby, she just needs your love and support to deal with all the new big emotions she's feeling and trying to express

It sounds like the pressure from your family is the problem. Her behaviour isn't really naughty, it's developmentally appropriate, but if you're stressing and trying to get her to stop it that will be stressful for both of you because she's not yet able to do that.

It doesn't hurt when a 1yo hits you so I would just block the hits and say no or show her tickling like somebody else said. Redirect to a drum or xylophone toy she can hit.

Tantrums are normal at her age and you can either ignore while making sure she is safe or cuddle/reassure and sympathise, or distract. They won't miraculously stop for years yet so don't get into any cycle where you're hoping to show her that they don't work. She's just a little easily frustrated easily confused baby, and she will have forgotten the reason for her tears in 5 mins time. Thinking you need to stop the tantrum or turn it into a teaching moment will just stress you out - you may as well try to teach her to read! If that sounds ludicrous then you can see how trying to teach her not to tantrum is also too high of an expectation for now :)

If you have found something that helps avoid a tantrum, like calm talking in advance, that's great.

See if there are any baby groups or stay and play sessions near you, it will probably help to be around other young babies and toddlers :)

It sounds like having other people around can be overwhelming so perhaps focus on time as the two of you building your bond. It is great that the calm explanation voice is working before removing from the high chairs. It might be that she finds transitions difficult and your voice is helping to prepare her for these. The dislike of physical contact could be a sensory thing. Worth keeping in contact with your health visitor.

Are there any toys/activities that she enjoys? Does she like water play/music, being outdoors etc.?

You need to seek help. Hating a 1 year old is not normal. She will feel this, her attachment to you will worsen and your situation will compound. Seek help with your mental health, it will help both you and her. You can change this situation and make it better.
Your family are absolutely wrong also. She's 1, she's not naughty, you don't need to nip anything in the bud, she just needs to be parented calmly with unconditional love.
FWIW my autistic child was the most huggy baby, so lack of affection is not always an indicator. But if you have other worries, get a developmental check.

Your absolutely disgusting she’s a baby have patience

Totally ignore what your in-laws or family are saying.your child sounds normal. It will be easier for her now she can walk( although not for you!) as she won’t be so frustrated.
Playing silly games, singing silly songs, lots of silly movements and noises. Suggest you develop strategies for physical times eg reading card books or pop up books. All these activities are key activities to help with speaking, brain development,communication skills.
Go out to a couple of baby groups and take a look at all the other 1 year olds- they will be just like yours but none of them will be exactly the same.