Child coming back from other parents dirty

[Wigglywoman]

My child is around 2 and a half. I will be referring to the child gender neutrally just in case anyone sees this.

Their father is a pick and choose when to have them, never consistent, ignores the child during facetimes to play video games etc.

He actually just had them for a week and they have headlice. This is the 4th time in a row they have come back from the fathers home with headlice and the father not telling me. I asked if he did a treatment for the child and he said he ‘tried to’

The child also is FILTHY. Feet are black, toenails are black, hands and nails are dirty, clothes look like they’ve been worn for days in a row. I asked when child last had a bath, he said 2 days ago which I find hard to believe with how filthy they are. The dad also said it could just be the floors as they are dirty 🤮 the child’s breathe also stunk which is crazy as they love brushing their teeth and do it after every meal here!

He lives with his mum and I know the house is dirty as I see during facetimes how dirty it is.

On top of this he’s very inconsistent with visitation. Won’t see the child for months and then have them for a week and then it will be weeks or months again despite seeing his other child to another woman more regularly.

Where do I go from here? I don’t want my child to be getting nits every time they go round and being filthy, it makes me feel so sad that their needs aren’t being met. I’ve spoken to the father a few times about these issues and nothing is changing?

Just stop the contact on safeguarding concerns. Let him take you to mediation/Court and make sure you've kept all your evidence and document everything. I learnt the hard way trying to facilitate contact with a man like this.

Why did he just have the child for a week when he is so inconsistent?

Who arranges contact?

@JulesCobb

Why did he just have the child for a week when he is so inconsistent?

Who arranges contact?

This is an important question. Why on earth is a child so young going and staying for a week with someone they haven't seen for months. This is not in the best interests of the child.

Stop contact, and let him take you to court.

You don’t let your child go there again. It’s neglect. I’m so sorry you and your child experienced this.

As for - the father plays vide games whilst on FaceTime with your child - wtf??

Stop these contact arrangements, they aren't in the child's interests, setting aside dirt and neglect. He needs to commit to regular contact or not see him at all.

I'd be taking photos as evidence and stopping contact until I was confident he wasn't neglecting the dc

There's a difference between kids getting dirty at the park, climbing, dropping food on themselves to not being washed when needed. Idm dirt but they're clean by the time they get into bed

Hello, so he arranges contact, he lets me know when he’s free as he says he can’t get two days off in a row to see his child as he lives around an hour drive away (he doesn’t drive) so he says he can’t have the child for ages (sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes 2 months) and then says ‘I’m having child from this date to this date as I’m off work’

Sorry I am new to co parenting and have no idea how to work it all and thought this was acceptable if the father says he can’t get it off of work 😭

Would I get into trouble if I stop contact until a court order or mediation has taken place?

Yes I don’t mind dirt either - she’s a toddler! But I always make sure child is clean when going to bed, or going to fathers house and it looks like days and days worth of dirtiness :(

Would I get into trouble for stopping contact? There is no court order but I have messages of father saying the house is dirty so it’s ‘probably from that’ and the fact that child has got nits more than once in a row going there. (Which again I understand it’ll happen but it shouldn’t be every time)

I know it literally breaks my heart as child is all excited and just gets ignored 😭😭

Stop contact! How is it ok to let your little one stay with some that on a regular basis, they barely know? Thats bad enough never mind the filthy state they come back in. How sad and bewildering for them

No you cannot get in trouble. You have legitimate reasons to stop contact. Even if you had a court order, you can stop the contact for these reasons. The most empowering thing I was told by my solicitor was 'you will never be chastised for putting your children first'. Since then, I stopped worrying about what anyone else thinks and just did what was best for them.

If you're worried about stopping all contact, say no more overnights. He's welcome to visit child on e.g. Saturdays, but child is too young to spend days at a time away from you with a relative stranger. You can frame it as not wanting him to have to worry about bedtimes etc if you think that'll go over better.

That way if he does take you to court (which doesn't seem terribly likely) you have evidence that you haven't withheld contact.

No court is going to expect you to ship off a toddler for a week at a time at random.

Tell him that you want consistent, reasonable length visits. Perhaps one night a week. If his schedule varies you can allow flexibility on the actual day, but require it be set at least a certain number of days in advance so you have predictability. If he doesn’t think that is enough, add in an afternoon. He can stay local and they can go to the park or the library or he can look for free children’s activities in the area and schedule his visits to coincide. With the repeated lice, it also wouldn’t be ridiculous to insist on just the local visits until he figures out how it is happening and addresses the problem.

As there is no court order I think you are fine to say no over night contact. Offer meetings in your town only. Keep records of messages and issues so if he takes you to court you can justify why he can't have over nights.

You brush after every meal??

I'm shocked that you allowed your toddler to spend a week with people she barely knows.
You really need to be firm here.
No overnights until your ex can show consistent and good parenting.

Thank you @mildlymiffed

It’s actually sad as he has another child who he has always and still sees regularly and was always very present so I had no idea he would treat our child like this.

Thank you everyone.

I’m going to insist on more regular contact in the interest of the child and no overnights until the dirtiness and nits issues are sorted.

Thanks for all the advice :)

@00100001 yes? Breakfast lunch and dinner teeth get brushed? 3 times a day. She can’t floss after meals yet as she’s too young and it’s just good hygiene?

@Debetswell it’s not just ‘people she barely knows’ it’s the father..? I’m literally asking for advice. None of us are perfect and I am trying to do the best for my child allowing them to see the other parent?

But it's actually better to brush before breakfast...

Do you think the child caught the head lice whilst with him? How?