Child coming back from other parents dirty

[Wigglywoman]

My child is around 2 and a half. I will be referring to the child gender neutrally just in case anyone sees this.

Their father is a pick and choose when to have them, never consistent, ignores the child during facetimes to play video games etc.

He actually just had them for a week and they have headlice. This is the 4th time in a row they have come back from the fathers home with headlice and the father not telling me. I asked if he did a treatment for the child and he said he ‘tried to’

The child also is FILTHY. Feet are black, toenails are black, hands and nails are dirty, clothes look like they’ve been worn for days in a row. I asked when child last had a bath, he said 2 days ago which I find hard to believe with how filthy they are. The dad also said it could just be the floors as they are dirty 🤮 the child’s breathe also stunk which is crazy as they love brushing their teeth and do it after every meal here!

He lives with his mum and I know the house is dirty as I see during facetimes how dirty it is.

On top of this he’s very inconsistent with visitation. Won’t see the child for months and then have them for a week and then it will be weeks or months again despite seeing his other child to another woman more regularly.

Where do I go from here? I don’t want my child to be getting nits every time they go round and being filthy, it makes me feel so sad that their needs aren’t being met. I’ve spoken to the father a few times about these issues and nothing is changing?

I'm just amazed that you have the time/inclination to brush after every meal

Presumably you're not doing wake up and bedtime brushing as well??
You're supposed to wait an hour or so after.

Regardless of your tooth brushing regime (honestly, another poster seems to be fixated on this...), the current contact arrangements sound too disjointed for a small child. Regular contact, closer to your own home. No overnights. And a strong conversation if you can with exP about hygiene.

@SpaceBethSmith no need for this is there? I’ve come to ask for advice. Just because you’re anonymous doesn’t mean you can be nasty. If you’ve got nothing helpful to contribute, leave.

I’m not being nasty, I’m staying a fact - you have knowingly sent your toddler to the house of someone she has sporadic contact with, and you know he is neglectful, and are moaning about it on here, and want what, exactly?

@SpaceBethSmith

I’m not being nasty, I’m staying a fact - you have knowingly sent your toddler to the house of someone she has sporadic contact with, and you know he is neglectful, and are moaning about it on here, and want what, exactly?

Agree. Not blaming the “woman”- but it’s natural safeguarding your own child isn’t it?

@SpaceBethSmith & @OceanTulip22 you'll see that the op has said that he has another child who was treated well previously- so your mock "so aghast routine" is not really warranted. And now having witnessed the child not being treated well, is doing something about it... not burying her head in the sand.

Op has asked for advice, has taken it, and is going to act on it.

Honestly, anyone would think that it was the op with a poor lack of hygiene, and not biological father- who is also... a grown man and should be held accountable!

You document and photograph everything in a contact diary and show it to your health visitor. This will be very important if contact needs to be decided by a judge. Personally i would be informing social services too.

[quote mildlymiffed]**@SpaceBethSmith* & @OceanTulip22* you'll see that the op has said that he has another child who was treated well previously- so your mock "so aghast routine" is not really warranted. And now having witnessed the child not being treated well, is doing something about it... not burying her head in the sand.

Op has asked for advice, has taken it, and is going to act on it.

Honestly, anyone would think that it was the op with a poor lack of hygiene, and not biological father- who is also... a grown man and should be held accountable! [/quote]
The OP has said the child has come back with nits /filthy 4 times and she knows how dirty the house is because of FaceTime, but has continued to send her anyway.

I’m not aghast at all, but thanks for telling me how I feel ✌️

Honestly, don't send your small child off for a week with someone they hardly know. They're probably anxious and missing you and it can't be nice for you wondering if their needs are being met.

Yes, some dads do have their very young children for long periods or even 50/50 but these dads have built up a relationship with their DC and are hopefully equally capable parents.

I think you need to remember that contact is intended to be beneficial for your DC, it is not something their father is entitled to. So ask yourself if this sort of contact is in their best interests. If not, stop it and let him go to court where they will decide what is in your DC's interests after considering the evidence.

Who are they catching the nits from?

@Wigglywoman

Hello, so he arranges contact, he lets me know when he’s free as he says he can’t get two days off in a row to see his child as he lives around an hour drive away (he doesn’t drive) so he says he can’t have the child for ages (sometimes 2 weeks, sometimes 2 months) and then says ‘I’m having child from this date to this date as I’m off work’

Sorry I am new to co parenting and have no idea how to work it all and thought this was acceptable if the father says he can’t get it off of work 😭

Would I get into trouble if I stop contact until a court order or mediation has taken place?

He can't just announce that he's having her and expect you and her to jump to attention

I would stop contact and tell him to take you to court. It's not good for your dd to have such random contact imo. Even if he can only commit to 2 hours a month, that's better than this random mess. If he's a shift worker then he should still be able to give some advanced notice of availability and if it's too short notice or you have other plans then it's ok to say no

As your dd gets older, there will be other things that she might want to do like attend parties and sleepovers/ is she supposed to cancel because the messiah has announced he's available? I would imagine that random contact like this isn't good for your DD's self esteem as she'll be wondering how long until the next visit and why her dad doesn't want to see her.

Have you thought about dropping her off/picking her up for shorter visits ? A night or two means that you could still keep up her hygiene abs control any nits that she picks up earlier.