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Original poster

Partner not helping much with baby...

39 replies

RubyRoss218 · 25/08/2021 11:39

I've told him but his reply is 'i haven't got boobs, i can't feed him '
Like the baby only cries to be fed...

Nothing's changed for him - nothing!
He sleeps all night soundly after gaming every night. He wakes up for work and comes back and has his tea on the table, washing done for him, clean house etc

On weekends he'll sleep in until late morning, sometimes midday.
I express how it annoys me but he says i should've woke him up, why should i wake a middle 30's year old man up when he can clearly hear the baby and turns over.

Im so fed up, i love my baby but my birth was traumatic and im still in pain, he doesn't care to help me..

Ive asked him to pass me baby on a weekend when she cried in the night so i can feed her then pass her back to him to change her nappy and wind/ settle her but he doesn't Sad
He said a father's role doesn't come into play until the kids are older and then he said baby will be be 'daddies boy'which is comical because he thinks i do all the hard work and then he gets all the best bits as he grows and gets easier.

Not sure what im asking, i just needed to rant and maybe some advice on how to make a man child understand. Im so down from his actions its making me slowing go into depression.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 25/08/2021 11:43

Bin him
When you’re on your own it will be much easier
Failing that make sure you don’t have another baby with him

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 25/08/2021 11:46

He is a massive selfish wanker. Sorry, I know how unhelpful this is but this:
a father's role doesn't come into play until the kids are older and then he said baby will be be 'daddies boy'which is comical because he thinks i do all the hard work and then he gets all the best bits as he grows and gets easier
made me SO cross. PP is right - you WILL find it easier without him.

MrsRobbieHart · 25/08/2021 11:47

Wow.

And there was no hint of this at all before you became pregnant?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

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MrsRobbieHart · 25/08/2021 11:48

Leave him. And in the meantime stop feeding and cleaning for him.

PalmarisLongus · 25/08/2021 11:50

Why are you with him?

Clear and concise:
"You help or you leave. That's your choice"

And stop making his tea for when he gets home. stop doing his washing for him too.

If he has time to play games, he has time to cook for himself and do his own washing.

Original poster
RubyRoss218 · 25/08/2021 11:52

@MrsRobbieHart no there wasnt. Only big plans how he'll parent our baby which none are true. My mom had the same with ny dad doing nothing funny enough. Now i feel like I've been tricked by dp and will end up miserable like my mom :(

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 25/08/2021 11:55

Really?? So he cooked his own meals, did his own laundry, cleaned the house, got up before midday and didn’t game every night before you got pregnant? It all started when you had the baby?

MrsRobbieHart · 25/08/2021 11:56

You’ll only end up miserable if you accept this. Don’t accept it.

KirstenBlest · 25/08/2021 11:56

Partner not helping much with baby.
It's not 'helping', it's 'doing his fair share'.

Bin him.

PumpkinKlNG · 25/08/2021 11:56

Maybe change your own mindset, men looking after their own kids aren’t “helping or babysitting” it’s called parenting.

FTEngineerM · 25/08/2021 11:57

He’s a cunt, sorry.

To be fair though he probably was before having a baby by the sounds of it if he games every night into the small hours.

For a start: stop being his skivvy. It doesn’t matter how much he earns. When there are no clean dishes for him to eat off, when there are no clean clothes for him to wear to work, when the sink is covered in toothpaste it’ll all sink in how much you do.

FTEngineerM · 25/08/2021 11:57

@PumpkinKlNG

Maybe change your own mindset, men looking after their own kids aren’t “helping or babysitting” it’s called parenting.
Also this ❤️ I despise the term ‘helping’
MoiCnoi · 25/08/2021 12:03

He needs to see examples of what actual sensible men do at the baby stage. Do you have any friends around you with sensible partners who change nappies, soothe crying babies, cook etc? He needs to have a chat with one such and realise that when a baby arrives both parents have their lives turned upside down.

You are a team. No-one gets to do fun stuff until everyone gets their basic needs met.

PalmarisLongus · 25/08/2021 12:05

[quote RubyRoss218]@MrsRobbieHart no there wasnt. Only big plans how he'll parent our baby which none are true. My mom had the same with ny dad doing nothing funny enough. Now i feel like I've been tricked by dp and will end up miserable like my mom :([/quote]
Not if you follow a different path than she did. Learn from her mistakes and figure out what is best for you and your baby.

Being weighted down by this man or breaking free?

If he doesn't change and you stay, imagine looking back over your life in 20 years. You think you'll have had a happy life or a life darkened by the shade of a lazy arsehole?

Original poster
RubyRoss218 · 25/08/2021 12:05

@mrsrobbiehart hes worked away Monday to thursday for 4 years during our relationship (stopped working away 3 weeks before baby was born - no more work there)

i was also at work full time and if i was on a late shift, he'd cook for us both. When we had time off together- everything was shared fairly.. It wasnt until they furlough me for being pregnant at work i noticed his attitude changed (like i dont work so i should do more things - fair enough) but then he stopped working away, fell into a shitty sleep routine which involves coming to bed off the gaming at 3am!! now babies here i have my hands full and that attitude has stayed the same. (He works local now)

OP posts:
GiveMeAUserName123 · 25/08/2021 12:06

Leave, when he has 50% access with expressed milk, he will be doing half the work then.

I don’t see why you wake him to pass the baby, that’s a bit silly, but it would be him making dinner and cleaning the house after work or having the baby for 3 hours so I could nap.

He wouldn’t be doing nothing, his just had a baby!

Mintjulia · 25/08/2021 12:12

My ds's df was exactly like that. I left ds with him at three months for a couple of hours, to get my hair cut. Ds filled his nappy & ex left him sitting in it because it 'wasn't his job'.
We finally left when ds was 3. There was just no point to my ex as a dad. I couldn't rely on him, despite all his talk he refused to engage as a father and I was effectively a single mum anyway.

Life was much easier after I left, ds didn't notice his dad wasn't there any more Sad and oddly, ex now sees ds more, because he has to make an effort, allocate time and get in the car if he wants to see him at all.
Some men are just bone idle when it comes to their children. Why would you stay?

Original poster
RubyRoss218 · 25/08/2021 12:13

@givemeausername123 its not silly. It'd save me the pain of having to get up every hour to walk to the crib as im in sereve pain atm from the traumatic birth Flowers

OP posts:
Twizbe · 25/08/2021 12:13

Time for a come to Jesus talk.

You need to tell him that;

A) his behaviour is making you unhappy to the point you might leave
b) you're both parents and you both need to parent equally
C) at this age equal parenting might look different than parenting an older child
D) equal parenting at this age means him not gaming until 3am, he doing his fair share of housework, him doing nappies and baths, him not staying in bed until midday etc

You might actually have to spell out what help you want / need.

Btw how old is baby?

Harrysmummy246 · 25/08/2021 13:49

All crap. DH didn't come home to cooked dinner for a long time after DS born and while no, he doesn't have boobs, at night, he'd then wind/ nappy/ try to settle him so I could get a chunk of sleep even when back at work.
DP made the baby so DP needs to step up.

Petal2021 · 25/08/2021 13:53

This is not normal. Please make arrangements to go stay with family and divorce /LTB.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 25/08/2021 13:59

I also breastfed but handed Ds1 to Dh in the night for him to wind him, change his nappy and settle him back down to sleep. But then my Dh isn't a selfish arsehole.

The only thing your partner cannot do is feed, everything else he can. He needs to step up now, not later the lazy twat. Stop letting him lie in on a weekend, once you have fed the baby, wake him and hand the baby over. You then go back to sleep. Your poor body has been through hell and back and you need time to rest.

SinkGirl · 25/08/2021 14:03

He’s behaving this way because he’s an arsehole and because he can.

If he can’t feed the baby, he can pick up the rest of the work so you can focus on the baby. Stop cooking his meals, stop cleaning up after him. Your job is parenting a small baby, which is a 24/7 job. He doesn’t get to have all of his time outside work as leisure time when you’re on duty all the time.

Be clear that you will leave if he doesn’t start pulling his weight. He can game when he’s done his fair share around the house. At least one day a week he takes the baby after you’ve done the morning feed so you can sleep - during which time he will interact with the baby, not stick it in a bouncer while he plays games. He’s an adult man and a father. Time to behave like one. You’d be better off by yourself.

romdowa · 25/08/2021 14:09

Stop doing anything for him , he could go whistle for his dinner every evening. I'd be telling him he either steps up or I'm off. What an absolute waster.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 25/08/2021 14:27

I'm sorry you are going through this, very much agree with the changing mindset of it being 'help' rather than parenting. Please don't tolerate this, you are worth more.

We have friends that have this dynamic, baby is now almost 3 and the 'dad', despite being a friend of ours is useless, refuses to change a dirty nappy as it will make him vomit apparently. His life has changed not one bit but my really good friend, the mother, is so downtrodden and gets very little time to herself. Other things contribute to this, but
I have so much anger on my frineds behalf.

Her DP is definitely the type to call it 'babysitting' too.