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Parenting

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Original poster

Changing my daughters surname

32 replies

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 17:46

Hi there 😊
I'm looking for a bit of advice
My daughter is 3 years old and about to start nursery she doesn't want to be called her dads surname and wants mine and my husbands who iv been with for 15 years and are married now (we did break up and I had a 1 night with a ex her dad ) she sees him twice a month which is his choice iv offered more but he is happy with that as he has his own family aswell , she does see his mum more and I feel like changing her name only at school will hurt the grandmother but I also want my daughter to feel part of my family as her big brothers me and my husband all have the same last name.
Has anyone else been in this situation ??

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Kithic · 22/08/2021 17:52

Could you double barrelled?

SoupDragon · 22/08/2021 17:53

You can't change it without the father's permission if he is on the birth certificate.

nimbuscloud · 22/08/2021 17:54

Would your husband need to adopt her so that she has his name?

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KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 17:58

Why did you give her his surname if you weren't even together?

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 17:59

It wouldn't sound very good 😕 and I guess the teachers will call her by one last name can't see them using the two , I honestly don't think her dad would mind it's more the grandmother as she stays in the same area and knows alot of people she will not want her known as my last name

OP posts:

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 18:01

I'm not changing on the birth certificate atol and she is his last name because I believe the father should have the last name we was good friends no bad blood and she has every right to know who he is and be in her life all I'm asking is for advice and she doesn't want his last name at school it would only every be changed as known as when she is old enough that's her choice to change it

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 22/08/2021 18:01

Does your 3 year old know who her actual father is? You say she sees him regularly, does she know that your husband is not her father?

SoupDragon · 22/08/2021 18:03

The grandmother is irrelevant.

You need to discuss it with the father. Double barrelled is probably the suggestion most likely to be agreed to as you are adding a surname, not removing his.

sunshineandshowers21 · 22/08/2021 18:04

you should have given her your last name to begin with if that’s what you wanted. i can’t see a three year old understanding that she has a different surname and then asking to change it. it sounds like you want to change it and are trying to justify changing it by making it seem like your daughter’s idea.

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 18:06

Yes so calls him my daddy and my husband daddy for 3 years old she understands more than I think when you ask her name she will give my last name iv never told her to say it she knows her real last name but keeps saying no she wants mine

OP posts:

user16395699 · 22/08/2021 18:08

I believe the father should have the last name

Why? Do you see her as his possession? You've just posted about changing it, how does that fit with your belief?

Children are supposed to have their mother's name. It's weird that you made a deliberate choice to mark one child out as different from the rest of her family.

Surely your daughter's wellbeing should have been prioritised and should now be prioritised over the ego of some adults.

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 18:08

Wow I wish you could meet my daughter you would be surprised
I never wanted to give her my last name if I did then I would off there is no to say I'm lieing it's anonymous what have I got to hide I get on well with his family I'm only asking for advice there's no need to call me a liar

OP posts:

jmh740 · 22/08/2021 18:10

There is no such thing as known as, if you ask for her to use a different name at school she will still be registered with her legal name any exams she takes she will have to use her legal name and any exam certificates she has in the future will use her legal name

user16395699 · 22/08/2021 18:11

@Scotlandmummy3

Oh well, as long as the grandmother's ego is protected.

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 18:12

She would have been marked out different regardless as I wasn't married then so she would have still had a different last name
The end of the day I called her what I wanted her to be called but I'm asking cause she is three and wanting to change it at school would that be OK? And everyone is acting like it's me wanting to change it I'm just asking for advise mother to mother I'm not trying to be nasty or hurt anyone

OP posts:

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 18:12

I'm only asking for advice

OP posts:

KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 18:14

I believe the father should have the last name

Probably irrelevant but why?

Msgiggles30 · 22/08/2021 18:17

There is such thing as 'known as'. I'm a teacher and as im in EYFS I deal with all admissions into school. The name would have to be her legal name on the register as its a legal document but the school can use her preferred surname day to day with books, home accounts, peg labels etc. Lots of parents do this with surnames and we are also having this further up the school with first names with children who are identifying as not cis gender. It is correct that legally their BC name will need to be on documents like exams, even with children who have been adopted thier birth surname is still often on the schools SIMS systems until adoption orders come through which can take ages x

Original poster

Scotlandmummy3 · 22/08/2021 18:19

Everyones situation is different i get that and I apologies I ment my children it's just what I wanted

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 22/08/2021 18:19

Can you double barrel the name, or add one in as an extra middle name?

titchy · 22/08/2021 18:19

FGS she's 3! You don't let 3 year olds make decisions like this.

Regardless, as others have said there is no such thing as a known as name and her father would have to agree any name change. In the meantime lots of reassurance that's her step father and real father all love her just as much whatever her name is, and plenty of people have different surnames to their mums.

Lou98 · 22/08/2021 18:21

OP, you've said that you don't want her to have your name and it was you wanted her to have her dads name - so why now the change? If it's purely because she wants your name, then I'd hold off, 3 year olds change their minds constantly. You gave her that name for a reason, that was your choice as you felt she should have her dads name (you'll get flamed for that on here saying that it should only ever be the mums name they have but I agree with you, my baby has his dads name, we are still together but not married - I also have my dads surname even though him and my mum were never married).

I would stick with your original decision, let her tell people that's her name if she likes but I wouldn't officially change it or change it at school at all, you made the decision for a reason. In a few years she might decide she does want her dads name after all and would have to change it back

If you don't want to then you'll need her dads permission, it doesn't matter whether his mums happy or not, you only need his consent

Lou98 · 22/08/2021 18:24

*If you do want to

KidneyBeans · 22/08/2021 18:26

@Scotlandmummy3

Everyones situation is different i get that and I apologies I ment my children it's just what I wanted

Well I assume those reasons still stand?

If you believe that she should have her fathers name then why change it?

Valhalla17 · 22/08/2021 18:29

OP I've been in the same position. If the ex is on the birth cert then he would need to agree in court to changing it ..or you can double barrel which is easier.

Also, did you know that most schools will take the official name but you can ask them to use the other name within the school. That's what my sons primary school did, they call him by my name and not his sperm donor fathers!

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