Grandparents possibly hitting toddler?

[TryTryTryAgain95]

Hi all I’m looking for some advice, my 2year old son has suddenly started hitting his legs, our dog/cat or the sofa and saying “no! Naughty!”. It’s normally related to something like our dog barking or if he does something he knows I would normally say no to like chucking his food on the floor.

He has four sets of grandparents and goes to each of their houses one day a week whilst me and my partner are working. Both me and my partner were smacked for punishment growing up and decided we wouldn’t do this to our son.

I think someone has possibly smacked him and said naughty and now he’s showing this behaviour, but we have no way of knowing who it was.

I was thinking of just sending a polite message in our family group chat just to say he has started to do this and say it’s not the way we want to discipline so please don’t continue this and explain the way we would like it to be approached if he is doing something they don’t want him to.

Would this sound too preachy? Am I just being overprotective? Help!

Are you not really uncomfortable leaving your kid alone with people who hit children? Can you pay for childcare?

@NowEvenBetter no I’m fine because I know if I make it clear to them they will fully respect our wishes and not continue. If anyone was to continue then of course I would not let them have him.

It’s what they believed was correct discipline when we were young and it’s what was done to them when they were younger. Times have changed and we know differently know which is why we aren’t doing it (nor could I to be fair).

It’s not something we’ve made clear previously as he hasn’t had any difficult behaviour until recently (the usual two year old things), so I’m trying to be understanding of that’s how they would discipline us but making it very clear to them this is not something we as parents will do nor will tolerate from his grandparents.

I would have a proper conversation rather than a text.
Something along the lines of ' he is entering a potentially difficult stage, I just want to make sure we are on the same page with regard to discipline - we have decided we will....'.

If you feel everyone is reasonable, and will follow your wishes, then just talk about it.

I would send him to nursery. Being with four different sets of people isn't ideal.

@spotcheck

I would have a proper conversation rather than a text. Something along the lines of ' he is entering a potentially difficult stage, I just want to make sure we are on the same page with regard to discipline - we have decided we will....'.

If you feel everyone is reasonable, and will follow your wishes, then just talk about it.

Agree with this ^ text if it’s easier but I would be having a chat.

The problem with sending such a message is that you’re assuming one of his grandparents is actually smacking him. I look after my grandchildren one day a week as do his other grandparents and if I received such a message I’d be very upset.
I’d speak to each grandparent in turn and ask them if he’s exhibited any of this behaviour - which btw I think is very common - whilst in their care. Explain what ways you want to discipline him, making it clear that obviously you wouldn’t use, nor expect anyone else to use physical punishments.

Hmm my toddler does this and with the pandemic she hasn’t actually been minded by anyone yet(lock down baby) we didn’t feel comfortable and haven’t had the need except once very recently when I was having baby 2. We do go ah ah (insert random object that hurt her) and fake hit it so I’m not sure if it translated to this somewhere in between 😂 just something to think about as I’m certain nobody has smacked her given I’m her caregiver pretty much 24/7. But in saying that, I wouldn’t be happy leaving her with anyone I thought would hit her. I’d raise it in person with my own parents not text and let your husband do the same with his if you think they are doing it, if you are confident they are I would have her straight into childcare to be honest if you can affford it.

Definitely don't text. Seriously, texting causes so much unnecessary grief. Wait until you're together, face to face, relaxed and with time not at a premium. (So not at drop off) This needed to be talked about in a relaxed and conversational way, but with the result being a firm rule that hitting/slapping isn't an option.

And yep, I'm another grandparent who does occasional childcare. And I'd be distraught to get such a text.
I'd be entirely happy having a chatty conversation about managing behaviour as my GD gets older, though. During which I'd confirm that any kind of physical reprimand would absolutely not be on the table.

My two year old son sometimes bites but he isn’t bitten at home. I wouldn’t assume someone hits him but agree with a PP about considering nursery instead.

My middle son did this and it did come from a grandparent.
She wasn't hitting him but when he fell and hurt himself she pretended to hit the floor and say 'naughty floor', he picked it up and everything was naughty for about two weeks.
You could be right but could be wrong so have a conversation. Don't send a text.

I think your plan is fine. Anyone who thinks being at nursery is better than being with family in my eyes is bonkers. These grandparents will live this child till the day they die, nursery will meet his needs for a couple of years, often different people to get used to too. I personally think a text is fine too

A text can be read in an entirely different 'tone of voice' than it was typed in. I swear that texting miscommunication has caused a huge increase in the number of fallings out between friends and family members.

When it comes to talking about such an emotionally loaded subject as smacking an adored grandchild when providing free childcare, a text is like throwing a bomb into the room.

The conversation has to be careful, and have physical presence tone of voice, facial expression and body language to support it.

Can you not ask your son?

One of my children was a biter; never been bitten.

You’re assuming something that probably hasn’t happened. Some toddlers are biters, some toddlers are hitters…

@vdbfamily

I think your plan is fine. Anyone who thinks being at nursery is better than being with family in my eyes is bonkers. These grandparents will live this child till the day they die, nursery will meet his needs for a couple of years, often different people to get used to too. I personally think a text is fine too

But not all grandparents enjoy the role. My son has two sets and neither care about him at all - it is just obligation to ask how he is or act interested. It isn't real.

FGS, have a proper conversation, don't text about something so important. You're an adult, not a teenager.

@vdbfamily

I think your plan is fine. Anyone who thinks being at nursery is better than being with family in my eyes is bonkers. These grandparents will live this child till the day they die, nursery will meet his needs for a couple of years, often different people to get used to too. I personally think a text is fine too

That assumes they have loving and competent grandparents.

@vdbfamily

I think your plan is fine. Anyone who thinks being at nursery is better than being with family in my eyes is bonkers. These grandparents will live this child till the day they die, nursery will meet his needs for a couple of years, often different people to get used to too. I personally think a text is fine too

None of my DD's grandparents wanted to commit to scheduled childcare, and we were more comfortable with full time nursery as it fitted a routine better for us.

It's not bonkers for people to do what works for them.

I'm sure there's a lot less conflict and stress and round too.

You talk to your parents and your DH talks to his.

Man I’m feeling sad about my DC’s 1 surviving/interested GP now!

Seriously, you need to speak to each of them in turn and just mention it. Do not presume anything, he could well have seen it on the TV it doesn’t necessarily come from a GP. Mention it in conversation, say how anti-smacking you are and see what they say. A text is not the way to address this.

I think people comparing to biting are a little wrong here. Children often bite out of frustration/inability to express emotions, as they do with hitting, but hitting alongside the use of the “naughty” phrase implies he is copying.

I do think it could be what others have said where someone has tapped a chair/table etc that has hurt him and said “Naughty” - I’ve seen a lot of older generation people do this.

I’d have individual chats and say “We've noticed him doing this, I’m not sure if anyone’s tapped him on the legs or pretended to hit a chair etc but we’d just like to make sure we’re all using the same strategies.” They’ll probably come out and tell you what they’ve done or you’ll be able to tell from their response anyway, but it’s less offensive to the GPs who haven’t done anything wrong.

@Viviennemary

I would send him to nursery. Being with four different sets of people isn't ideal.

Those four sets of people are his family.

I think the text is fine OP, it saves the guilty party some face and they can change their ways going forward...

Don't send a text... individual conversations are required. Good luck.

@vdbfamily

I think your plan is fine. Anyone who thinks being at nursery is better than being with family in my eyes is bonkers. These grandparents will live this child till the day they die, nursery will meet his needs for a couple of years, often different people to get used to too. I personally think a text is fine too

So if the OP is right and one (or more) of the grandparents are hitting him, you really think that it’s bonkers to be a nursery away from physical abuse??