Grandparents possibly hitting toddler?

[TryTryTryAgain95]

Hi all I’m looking for some advice, my 2year old son has suddenly started hitting his legs, our dog/cat or the sofa and saying “no! Naughty!”. It’s normally related to something like our dog barking or if he does something he knows I would normally say no to like chucking his food on the floor.

He has four sets of grandparents and goes to each of their houses one day a week whilst me and my partner are working. Both me and my partner were smacked for punishment growing up and decided we wouldn’t do this to our son.

I think someone has possibly smacked him and said naughty and now he’s showing this behaviour, but we have no way of knowing who it was.

I was thinking of just sending a polite message in our family group chat just to say he has started to do this and say it’s not the way we want to discipline so please don’t continue this and explain the way we would like it to be approached if he is doing something they don’t want him to.

Would this sound too preachy? Am I just being overprotective? Help!

Completely agree with nurserynoodles. Toddlers pick up all sort of things and it may not be from the gp.

I agree this wants doing in person, not via whatsapp. You need to see and hear how they respond as then you will know a lot more about what has happened and whether it will stop going forwards.

This is copying behaviour not the same as a frustrated bite or lashing out. I would speak to them all. Im interested though how you will know theyve stopped? Just that he'll stop copying it or taking their word for it?
As for hitting inanimate objects when a person has accidentally hit a table or walked into a door, this has always struck me as really weird. A door cannot be at fault, a person can be not paying attention, going too fast or things on the floor you trip up on etc, so surely that should be gently mentioned after a good cuddle.
You cannot 'pretend' hit a table and expect your dc not to think hitting is ok as theyre watching their parents hit!!

What stands out to me is 4 different sets of carers in a week, and 5 if you include home - that is so disruptive - he must wake up every morning without the faintest idea where he is going or what the routine is for the day.

That inconsistency is going to be impacting on his development and behaviour in itself - maybe that is what is causing the problem

I think someone has possibly smacked him and said naughty and now he’s showing this behaviour, but we have no way of knowing who it was. yes you do. Phone them and ask them.

@TomRipley

My middle son did this and it did come from a grandparent. She wasn't hitting him but when he fell and hurt himself she pretended to hit the floor and say 'naughty floor', he picked it up and everything was naughty for about two weeks. You could be right but could be wrong so have a conversation. Don't send a text.

Same. We had to ask MIL to stop hitting things that had hurt (by being in the way!) our DD, as she was copying that. She didn't do childcare, it was just during visits.

Well I don't think 5 different care settings every week is ideal.

However, that aside, why don't you send a text that addresses the behaviour from his point of view.

Something like:

'We've noticed DS is hitting at the moment. I'm sure he'll learn soon that hitting is not what people do as none of us would ever hit him. In the mean time please could everyone say 'no DS, use kind hands' to him every time he hits so it is consistent.'

It could be from anything at that age. I mind my 20 month grandson 3 days a week and he kept asking for a particular book. In the story a teddy in a bad mood kicks his Grandad and he started copying kicking and shouting ‘kick’ at the top of his voice! Luckily my son and DIL didn’t assume we had been kicking him.

I think your direct approach is a really good idea (refreshing to see someone acting in an assertive manner).

I agree with pp that individual conversations might be best though. Although being clear that you are mentioning it to all grandparents.

Can you talk to him about hitting or start to talk about bodily consent in simple ways?

I wouldn't send a text and speak to the grandparents instead. They may not have hit him at all.
Your son could have seen another child hit someone at a visit to a park or play pool, or somewhere else that grandparents 9r you yourself may have taken your child too

Thanks for all the helpful non judgemental replies. Interesting how many people think that having 4 different places for him to go during the week “isn’t ideal” even though my son is now incredibly social, we have no crying episodes when he goes to anyone and he is learning lots of different things from them all?!

So I sent a group message to everyone the reason I did it that way was 1 so no one feels personally targeted 2 it was also possible he’s just picked this up himself. I’m fully aware of that which is why I said the words “possibly” and “think” in my post, not someone has definitely done it and 3 we are constantly working and pick our son up around 6;30 and get him home for bed. We have one day a month where we can see everyone no childcare involved and we try to make sure this time isn’t all about my son so we didn’t want to do it that way. We also then called everyone after and it’s not come from any of the grandparents 😊 we think it’s where my dad and stepmum tap the sofa and say off/no when their dogs jumps up as they have recently been saying “naughty doggies” when they do it in front of our son. We fully trust them all to say if that had and that why I wanted to just be clear of our views as we hadn’t made it clear ourselves and everyone took it completely fine and said they wouldn’t have done so without asking us first, but won’t now they know our views.

For the one person who said can’t my son tell us, no he’s just turned 2. He knows some basic words and is just learning sentences.

Also for those comparing it to biting this was a copied behaviour. He’s been hitting the floor for a while we’re dealing with the hitting ourselves it was a combination of that and saying no or naughty.

Thank you all again for your input.

Older people used to smack objects that the child hurt themselves on, be it a chair or the side of a table etc and say naughty when I was younger could this be where he got it from and not because he was actually hit?

@Marove yes my dad and stepmum slap the sofa and say “naughty doggies” when their dogs jump up and bark which is where he’s got this from. 😊

I think it was good that we’ve said how we feel now, as it is the way mused and my partner were disciplined growing up so it wasn’t far fetched but they are all incredibly supportive of us and go by everything we’ve said in regards to our son that’s why we trust them to tell us the truth and I know none of them would’ve held back telling us if they believed they should hit him. But a couple have changed their mind on this type of discipline and the other all though they haven’t changed their view would never discipline our son in any way that we haven’t agreed to.

Interesting how many people think that having 4 different places for him to go during the week “isn’t ideal” even though my son is now incredibly social, we have no crying episodes when he goes to anyone

and you consider that to be normal?

@54321nought umm yes?! Do you not? Why would you not want your child to be social and happy?! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[quote TryTryTryAgain95]@54321nought umm yes?! Do you not? Why would you not want your child to be social and happy?! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️[/quote]
because not ever crying when he goes to anyone at this stage is not an indication that he is "social and happy" - it is an indication of lack of attachment

5 different carers in a week, every week, is not a good idea at all.

@54321nought how Is that any different to a child being cared for by several different staff in a large nursery.

Seems bold to make a comment about a child’s attachment with so little information about them.

@54321nought children can show attachment in many ways! Extremely rude of you to judge me based off the fact my child has loving grandparents and social skills 🤦🏼‍♀️

He doesn’t cry when going in because he knows he’ll have fun with his grandparents. He shows attachment to us in other ways such as asking for us during the day, or the fact he runs to us with a big cuddle when we pick him up? To be honest I’m quite proud that my son doesn’t cry when we leave him, he knows we’ll be back for him and when we are we have lots of cuddles and fun at home.

It’s not a good idea your right, It’s a great one, because all of his grandparents get a day with him every single week which they absolutely love (and we constantly check in to make sure that is still the case), my son absolutely adores them all and comes back learning so many different things from each of them, not to mention how lucky as parent we are that we have this incredible support system so that we can both work full time and provide for our son.

I can assure you my son has NO issues with attachment whatsoever. But thank you for your internet judgement on something that had nothing to do with the situation being asked and your clear VAST knowledge on child psychology and development 🤦🏼‍♀️

Seems bold to make a comment about a child’s attachment with so little information about them.

Plenty of bold posters on MN prepared to make outrageous assertions on the basis of absolutely no evidence whatsoever!

because not ever crying when he goes to anyone at this stage is not an indication that he is "social and happy" - it is an indication of lack of attachment

This is ludicrous

@HunkyPunk that’s true. To a certain extent you have to make some assumptions on MN because there usually so little context.

But that leap to “lack of attachment “ made my head spin. Also quite common in a lot of cultures of have a large wider family looking after children.