Ft job, parenting, exercise, house? How does it all fit in?

[QforCucumber]

I've been back at work after mat leave with 2nd baby since February and we just can't seem to find a balance - at the minute the thing that's fallen by the wayside is exercise, I can't remember the last time I managed even a yoga video.

Kids are 5 and 14 months, the baby wakes at 5:30 every day so struggling to even get up before him to have 30 mins alone! He sleeps all night from 6:30 though so it's not the worst of situations.

How do people manage to balance full time jobs, 2 kids, maintaining friendships, exercise, self care? Without it all falling apart?!

Short answer. You don't.

Not for now anyway. For the next six months you are best off concentrating on the basics. Once you are confident with where you are with that layer up. And if they are eight before you have enough time to be doing everything, I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Good luck OP, you'll get there 😊

I don't agree with PP, it is possible but you have to have a clear understanding of what the priorities and accept that there are times when it might slip and that's okay, you just start again the following week. Exercise for example, I have 3 DC and it's getting harder now as they are awake later whereas I could always find time in the evening when they were small like yours. Do you have a shared understanding with your DH? That makes a massive difference, I think those that struggle fitting in the above are usually carrying someone else as well.

2 totally differing responses already!

@ketchupman yes DH is on board but we are both out of the house 8-6 so getting home is a mad dash of get baby ready for bed (dh) while I sort dinner. 5yr old is then homework, dinner, bed and asleep for half 7. Then it's clean down prep for next day and all of a sudden its 9pm. Shower and bed ready for the 5:30 wake up the next morning, so I can't seem to find time in the evening to do exercise on top of that.

I'm reluctant to book much in on weekends such as hair, meet ups with friends etc as we hardly see the kids as it is.

@Elenasbracelet Thank-you, a friend of mine said she only just feels like she's starting to get it all together and hers are 8 and 6 so maybe I'm expecting too much!

I feel similar op, we have a 6yo and 2yo, both work (DH ft, me 4 days,) I struggle to do anything other than work / childcare / essential house and cooking etc. I think it’s a combination of the above, cutting yourself slack and accepting it’s very hard to do much else with small children, and trying to set aside an hour in an evening / weekend to do something if you and partner can work it between you. Me and Dh alternate “morning duty” at the weekends so we each get a couple of hours for a run / cycle / lie in or whatever. We see friends from time to time separately - we haven’t had an evening out together since ds2 was born but hope to get a weekend away next year. It’s starting to feel more possible now 2 yo goes to bed at a reasonable hour and realise that time does pass…it is a bit of a slog though at times!!

We are exactly the same in that by the time evening is done and dusted it’s 9pm, knowing I’ll be up at 5:45 does not fill me with enthusiasm for exercise at this point!

I agree - you don’t.
Nobody has it all / can do it all. You have to work out what your priorities are.

I’m afraid it’s simply impossible unless you want to have a massive burnout
Something has to give, up to you to decide what to prioritise.
That’s modern life for you!

I’m the same with a 4 year old and a 15 month old.
I’d starting exercising during maternity leave when I was comfortable enough leaving baby for an hour with anyone who would watch during the day.

Now I’m back to work there’s just no spare time at all.

There are jobs around th who use and garden that have just been left and its now just accepted that they might get done next year

Thanks for these, the confirmation that you just don't actually Really helps! Thought we were going wrong and missing something totally obvious somewhere.

A couple of observations, if you don't mind, might be helpful in the short term to get going if you really want to fit more in. Sack off the homework for the 5 year old and get them into bed earlier with the baby, spend some time reading with them instead and switch off at 7. My DC loved the time when DH or I sat and read to them and the other one of us then did exercise/dinner/next day preparation. Same with the morning, one of us took DC and the other had free time to exercise. DH and I sat down and had dinner together maybe 2-3 times a week and had something really nice, the rest of the time it was eating something easy and/or separately if it meant one of us got to go out of do something. Basically divide and conquer!

With socialising, commit to one evening a month/week or whatever you want to do then work your schedule around that. If you don't go out then that's fine, extra time to spend doing something that might need doing. Finally, don't feel bad about not spending enough time with DC, my DC don't look back and remember the daily/weekly grind, they remember the happy holidays or special occasions and how they have two happy parents rather than worn down and burnt out. It's easy when you're both working FT to get into the trap of feeling like every minute has to count with DC but it is normal life for them

We manage it but it’s bloody hard. Lots of planning and prep. DH and I are a team, it wouldn’t work if he didn’t pull his weight.

I exercise first thing (5.30am) while DH does child duty (usually they’re asleep) we all scrabble about through breakfast and getting ready. We alternate drop offs and pick ups. DH then exercises in the evening while I put them to bed. We try and be active at the weekends, cycling, family park run etc…

We are both half dead by 8pm but it works for us. Our house possibly isn’t as clean as others would want it! We both prioritise exercise because it’s very important to us.

I exercise by taking the kids to the park, on walks, swimming ect. Run around after them, kick a ball etc.

Do you commute to the office or wfh?

Thank you, just seeing what others do is really useful for us to see where we could adapt and conquer

We both commute, I do nursery and school drop off and then a 2 mile drive to the office. DH does nursery and childminder pick ups once he finishes for the day and gets them set up with some porridge or something so that when I get home we can get them sorted for bed, I know soon tbe baby will go to bed later so that'll ease the mad dash, we've tried later with him but he's always awake at 5:30 so not worth it at the minute

Exercise has just had to fall by the wayside at the moment. Kids are awake at 5.30 and then we're not done with bedtime/dinner/ prep for the following day until gone 9pm. If I exercised then I'd not sleep until late and get burn out. Something had to give, we already don't really socialise, have a cleaner and have lowered our household standards!

Honestly from when my 2nd was born I didn't do anything, exercise wise, until he was 18 months, which is when I quit work and we (me and,now, exh) started a business.

I also had a cleaner once a week. Then I did start doing lots if exercise. I used to do it first thing. Had more time for the house etc.

When he was 5 I went back to employed work (me and exh were divorcing) sold my stale in the business, and struggled again. As a single parent I could work ft and keep on top of the house and socialise occasionally. But again, exercise just didn't happen.

Now they are 10 and 17. My exercise is walking the dogs before they get up. I work a mix of home and office but flexibly. And did before the pandemic. We got a dog before the pandemic and just added another (both rescues). The only way I exercise is walking them. I can't really miss their walk, so I can't skip it.

The house gets done around work and the kids. My youngest has been allowed to walk himself to and from school since June last year and the gate can be seen from my house. So I can watch him walk over and back. My oldest can drive, so as long as she is up, she sorts herself out.

If you try and push to do too much or pile yourself up with things you 'must' do, you will probably burn out.

I feel your pain. Exercise took a back burner for me for a long time.

Then lockdown came and loads of online classes sprung up.

I run in the morning before work or at night.

Me and DH each take turns so the other can do their exercise. At the weekend I do Pilates and tennis whilst he holds the fort and vice versa whilst he sees a trainer.

I won't lie it is tough though. I have a full time every demanding job and tend to work 8-8 many days.

I'd find focussing on little bouts of exercise more feasible than trying to fit in a routine.

For example, how do you get to work? If you drive, could you park a little further away to get a 5min brisk walk in to your place of work? Have you got one of those smart watches that can track your steps? Or maybe using stairs instead of lifts. Things like that.

Well, it is difficult. I try to:
Reserve 2 slots for friends time during weekend, e.g. saturday for dinner and sunday brunch. Friends time is always with DC, we always bring them with us.
Clean a bit every day and during nap times on weekend
Exercise when I can. I was doing 30 min yoga every morning before start of my third trimester (currently pregnant), and try to be active during the day walking as much as I can.
Grocery shopping on thursday evenings is our routine.

What we sacrifice? Time alone without kids....

I am waiting for the dcs to leave the house - they are teens.

When my dcs were around OP's dcs' age, forget it, just do the best you can to get through it. I did not have any headspace at all. Maintaining friendships would be the first to go, much simplified self care is next.

The missing items on OP's list are the mountains of school admin, kids clothes/uniform buying, finances and catching up on housework.

With 2 DC and working FT I worked 2 days in the office and 3 from home (pre pandemic global company with great work/life balance). Not sure I could have made it work otherwise as dh was 5 days in the office.

I included exercise on my way to work (fast walk to station, and fast walk from station, always taking stairs instead of lift etc) on the days I was in the office, and then did 2 X 20 mins intense workouts on the days I WFH during lunch break.

Groceries were delivered Friday morning, house cleaning was Sunday and Thursday mornings for vacuuming, and bathrooms everyday after last use. I always clean the kitchen after dinner and put all dishes away.

Hey Op, I work FT and DH too. We’ve a nearly 2 year old and a six year old, DD wakes every day at 5-6am, she doesn’t sleep through the night.

By the time they are both asleep in the evening I’m flat out and excercise can’t be fitted in.. I’m just waiting until DD is older and then eventually I will have the time. Don’t put pressure on yourself, enjoy the time now,

We don’t have that kind of schedule, we struggled to maintain it. Socially we invite friends/family with similarly aged kids over, these are socials for us as well as the kids. We used to have a Cava / coffee brunch on a Saturday morning really early as we’d all been up for hours. We also alternate bedtimes so every other evening we get free time from after dinner, that gives us 7-9 or later and sometimes we use that to exercise or go out with a friend. Same in the morning. One gets up with the kids, the other can leave early to go to the gym or have a lie in.

I’m going back to work soon (new job) after mat leave although I’ve only got one.

We outsource pretty much everything house-wise (cleaner, ironing etc) and I tend to do the food delivery and any admin while in the bath twice a week.

My plan for exercise is to fit it into my lunch break and work from home a couple of times a week. I’ve got the FIIT app via Sky so have loads of different online workouts to try.

I try to do a short Youtube yoga video once mine is in bed and the house is tidy, but realistically it only happens a couple of times a week.

We're pretty active at the weekend because we tend to go for long walks with friends with young children, but that's about it until they're more self-sufficient / going to clubs we can leave them at.

There is no way in hell I would get up at 5.30am to do exercise. I would burn out so fast. I don't usually get to bed until after midnight, as I have to fit my entire adult life into the hours after 9pm, plus any necessary overtime!