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Original poster

Should children come along to the funeral of a grandparent?

44 replies

emkana · 30/11/2007 20:30

I went to the funeral of the mother of a friend today. Her and her dh decided that it would be better for their children, who are 6, 4 and 3, to stay with friends. I totally respect that decision. But it made me wonder - my father is unfortunately not well at all and he might die very soon. Would it be right not to take my children, or is there something to be said for including them?

Any thoughts/experiences?

OP posts:
Tinker · 30/11/2007 20:33

My mum died in May and I took my 10-year old but someone else looked after my 2-year old. I needed to not be worried about a toddler. Completely depends on kids. I don't think younger ones will undertand too much therefore not upsetting but I do think older ones, if they want to, should go. Death all part of life etc. I'm sorry your dad is not well.

themildmanneredjanitor · 30/11/2007 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey · 30/11/2007 20:36

I think it depends on the parents' own views and the ages of the children, and also how well the children knew the deceased.

I took my DS to my grandad's funeral, but he wasn't even 2 yet so had no idea what it was all about. I think when the time comes, I will ask him what he would prefer to do (not sure a 3 yr old would be able to make that decision, but a 6 yr old would)

chankins · 30/11/2007 20:38

I think it totally depends on the ages of the children and how you think they would cope. My sis lost a baby, and her other two were 4 and 7, and came to the funeral. I think this was the right decision as it helped them understand what had happened, and they coped very well with this. I think I would let mine come to a funeral, depending on how they had reacted to the death, and of course, what age they were. Difficult though. You can never be sure if its the right things to do.

fingerwoman · 30/11/2007 20:38

I went to my Grandad's funeral when I was 5 and TBH it was all a bit beyond me. I put flowers on the coffin, and I knew he was in there and that he was dead, but I remember finding the service a bit boring and not really "getting" it.

I also went to my Grandma's when I was 8, which I cried and cried through. It was very sad, I knew what was going on but I did want to be there and I was very cross that I had to go home with a friend instead of on to the wake afterwards.
I had also asked if I could see her body and my mum wouldn't let me

Hassled · 30/11/2007 20:38

I took my kids to my father's funeral - youngest was just a baby, but DS2 was 4 (others then in early teens). There were other children there as well (Ireland, so maybe a bit more normal there?). I think it was good for DS2 to be there - funerals are an important way of saying goodbye. He doesn't remember it now at all, in any case.

Sorry about your father - a horrible time.

orienteerer · 30/11/2007 20:41

I took DS to my Father's funeral but he was only 2 at the time. Ended up holding him whilst I read a lesson which was probably for the best as it kept my emotions in check IYSWIM. I distinctly remember "chickening out" of my Grandmothers funeral when I was about 8 or 9.

Orinoco · 30/11/2007 20:41

Message withdrawn

orangehead · 30/11/2007 20:41

I think it varies so much on the child and the relationship they had with the person that has died. But generally if the child wants to go then I think they should. We have funerals to say goodbye and have some sort of closure and the same applies for kids, if they feel the need to go it will probably help them with the grieving process despite it being upsetting for them at the time. Sorry that your father is not well

onlyjoking9329 · 30/11/2007 20:42

i think toddlers maybe not but babies and other kids i probably would but would depend on the children i guess

paulaplumpbottom · 30/11/2007 20:42

I personally would take my daughter. We will all die one day. I think that hiding death away makes it scarier. Children also need to say goodbye to. The funeral ritual can be just as meaningful to them. You know your own children best.

I went to my Great-grandmother's funeral when I was five. I loved her very much and every detail of her funeral sticks in my head till this day. I remember feeling sad but not scared. I'm glad I went. I knew she was gone whne I saw her.

orangehead · 30/11/2007 20:42

I think it varies so much on the child and the relationship they had with the person that has died. But generally if the child wants to go then I think they should. We have funerals to say goodbye and have some sort of closure and the same applies for kids, if they feel the need to go it will probably help them with the grieving process despite it being upsetting for them at the time. Sorry that your father is not well

luckylady74 · 30/11/2007 20:44

if they were very close to the deceased then i think it could really help their grief as a way of saying goodbye, but that means you do have to look after them and that could prevent you from being part of the process. perhaps you could take them somewhere special to them and have your own 'goodbye ceremony'instead. i do think that, for example, a 6 year old could feel very excluded and hurt if they were not allowed and the message i got from the programme 'mummy diaries' was that children must be part of the process however upsetting - because they will be more upset in the long run if they're not.

madamez · 30/11/2007 20:50

Depends very much on the individual children and their closeness to the deceased. It's probably not a good idea to take an 18 month old, who will not understand and may be disruptive (though for some people seeing young children at a funeral is comforting in a life-goes-on way.) If they are old enough to understand then they should be given the choice of going or not going, I would think.

orangehead · 30/11/2007 20:50

sorry, dont know how I psted twice.

castille · 30/11/2007 20:53

Taking young children might mean that you miss out on the quiet reflection that is so important at the funeral of a much-loved person. So I wouldn't take toddlers, but with older children, I think it depends on the child. Above the age of about 6 or 7, I'd talk to them gently, explain what it will entail, and you will be able to gauge from their responses whether or not they need to go.

So sorry to hear about your Dad.

lemonaid · 30/11/2007 20:54

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer -- depends on the grandparents, the grandchildren, the type of service, etc., etc.

But my default position, all other things being equal, would be that children should go to a grandparent's funeral. We all (aged 8, 6 and 3) went to my grandfather's funeral and then (aged 10, 8, 5 and 2 months) to my grandmother's and I think that was definitely the right decision for our family. And DS went to DH's grandfather's funeral two years ago when he was nearly ten months old.

shortshafe · 30/11/2007 22:03

depends on age and maturity of children, as already said by many!

A close friends mum died last year - her eldest dd (12) went to the church, burial and wake, the younger dd's (5 and 4) went to 'grandma's goodbye party' (wake) and it was brill - they talked about grandma, asked who people were (grandma's brother etc.) And it was a really positive way of saying goodbye for them.

NorthernLurker · 30/11/2007 22:12

I have taken my girls to two family funerals - and tbh it was good for everyone to have them there. They were around 4 and 7 at the time. But - we do go to church every week and so they were used to sitting relatively quietly and to the format of a church service. I didn't take them to the graveside though - I saw no need and thought it might upset them more than benefit them or me. Great to have them at the wake afterwards though .

PrincessButtercup · 30/11/2007 22:18

Agree with castille. I remember going to several funerals aged 6 and upwards and was was not perturbed at all (and most were open-coffin funerals). I would have found it harder to be excluded, I think.

LyraSilvertongue · 30/11/2007 22:20

I took DS1 to his great grandmother's funeral, aged 2. He probably doesn't remember any of it.

tallulah · 30/11/2007 22:25

When my dad died my DD was 10 and the DSs were 8, 6 and 4. We asked them, and only DD wanted to go. (plus her cousin who was 9)

nannyL · 01/12/2007 09:08

my grnadfather died when i was 11

my sister 8, cousins 7 6 and 2.

I was the only grandchild to go the funeral

Im so pleased i did go... i was very close to my grandfather... I was also found it really sad, as it was that my grnadad had died

I loved going in the funeral car with my grnadmother and parents and uncles and aunts.

I think the other side is that it is naturally a very upsetting day for at least one of the childs parents (often both) and seeing parents upset is likely to upset younger children, and parents also obviously only want well behaved children and such a horrible stressful upsetting time.... dont really want to be dealing with disruptive children while saying goodbye to ones parenst i imagine

roisin · 01/12/2007 09:52

My dad died last year and we took the boys (7 and 9) to the funeral.

I was very upset on the day of the funeral, and we all coped OK with that. It was important they were there.

But he was seriously ill (in ITU given hours to live) several years previously, and we wouldn't have dreamed of not taking them to the funeral then. They were very close to their grandpa and it would have been important for them to be included. They were 4 and 5 at the time.

My grandma (their great grandma) died just before this (when they wer 3 and 5) and we didn't take them to the funeral, as they didn't have a close bond with her.

roisin · 01/12/2007 09:55

Ooh also when I was very young a cousin of my mum's died in tragic circumstances. He was studying at Cambridge and died of a perforated appendix when he was just 21.

I was only 3 or 4 at the time. My mum had no-one to leave me with, so travelled up with me and took me to the funeral.

I can't remember the event at all. But 30 years later her uncle would still say to me how pleased he was that I was there that day, and what a difference it made to his day to have a small child around and a symbol of hope in the midst of the grief and despair.