Should children come along to the funeral of a grandparent?

[emkana]

I went to the funeral of the mother of a friend today. Her and her dh decided that it would be better for their children, who are 6, 4 and 3, to stay with friends. I totally respect that decision. But it made me wonder - my father is unfortunately not well at all and he might die very soon. Would it be right not to take my children, or is there something to be said for including them?

Any thoughts/experiences?

When my father died ALL the grandchildren went which was 26 children aged 18 months ( my DD ) to 22 years.
The children wrote their own poem and went up to the front to say it. Saying goodbye to their grandad was very important to them. They each had the choice butthat was what they each chose.
the funeral was a goodbye to my dad. It was sad but not sombre and we all cried and hugged each other as a family. All of the children have spoken about the funeral since and none have regretted going. But I think that is how we as a family view that process and no one felt awkward about my DD wandering up and down the church or DS reading his comic.
No one expected them to be still and quiet , the same as we don't expect them to hush during weddings. And our priest ( catholic) is a family friend and created a service in that way.
So i think I am saying it depends on the culture the type of service and the child. There are funerals where I would not take DC's because their being children would be percieved as being disrespectful. They will go to my mums and any other family members if they wish to. I know it was a HUGE comfort to mu mum because my dad always said that his family was the best of him

This is very topical for me as it was my father's funeral on Thursday. We considered our two DSs (three and almost five) to be two young. My 7 year old niece was allowed to go to the church service but not the cremation. All the children, ours included, were at the wake afterwards. My mum and my two sisters questioned whether my children should be at the house when the hearse arrived as they were worried they'd be upset on seeing the coffin and seeing everyone cry but I disagreed. Of course, there were tears but the boys simply accepted that we were sad because Grandad died and just gave us lots of hugs to make us feel better. They were so busy playing with toys that they didn't even glance up when the hearse arrived and barely noticed when we left.

Message withdrawn

The important thing is to inform the children of what will happen and give them the choice of whether or not to go.

When my dad died my 2 were 8 and 10. I took them over to the crem in advance, showed them the gardens, showed them the chapel where the service would be held, told them about seeing the hearse arrive and went round to see the floral tributes to other people.

They both decided that they would like to go and say their last goodbye to their grandad and they were fine. A few tears, obviously, but they really enjoyed seeing everyone at the wake afterwards. Needless to say it always cheers up the adults at funerals if there are children there.

For funerals of close family I wouldn't even think about it, I would expect that all the children would be there, because these are family occasions and they are a very important part of the family. If there are different parts to the funeral then that gives you the opportunity to think which bits would work best for them (for example when my neice died I didn't take the children up to the graveside, although actually in retrospect I think I should have because they both said they would have like to be there). But it depends on your family and how it works. I don't think that children should be "sheltered" from funerals, but included as part of life, which is sometimes sad. But I don't think that seeing your parents cry is the end of the world or damaging in any way, and I think that children have aright to be sad too.

I was taken to my grandfathers funeral when I was 18 months old. I have no recollection of it and I was too young to understand what was going on so I was not upset. This was around 30 years ago and I am still told by people that having a happy little toddler there made the wake much easier. I went to my nana's funeral aged 13, I was very very upset by it because I liked her a lot and used to visit her every week. I wanted to go and my mum gave me the choice and I do not regret going as it was a way of saying goodbye.

DS1 came to the hospital about an hour after my dad died and gave him one last kiss while he was still warm. I still find that an extraordinary thing for a 10 year old to have wanted to do, but I certainly wasn't going to stop him.

Depends on soo much. If they were old enough to choose, I'd talk it through with them and give kids a say. If v young, too young to get anything out of it, I'd ask myself what I needed. I'd also wonder what my parents would have wanted.

I took dd1, aged 4 months, to my MIL's wake - my eldest neice came and walked her around while the service went on, because it would have been disruptive for all of us if she'd started yelling, but she came to the wake and relatives still talk about it now. They were so glad to have a sign of life there - and dd had a ball being passed around loving relatives. Most of all, DH loved having her there, and that counted for a lot.

as everyone has said, it depends on the age of the children.

It also depends on how well you will feel like coping with the extra demands that small children may make on you, at a time when you are very emotionally vulnerable.

My dd was a baby when my father died. She went to the funeral, but my MIL was there to take her off my hands if it all got too much. It would be wise to have someone support you in this way.

You need to do what feels right for you. My 7 year olds came to my mother's funeral and my brother and sister brought their children 5,5, baby and toddler. I think we insulate children from death far too much in the UK today which does them a disservice.

MB has a very valid point about considering your own feelings. I was very glad on Thursday that I could concentrate on the service and my own thoughts without worrying about whether the DSs were okay and what they were doing. I really could not have coped with them as well.

I think that it depends very much on the child. Children generally find funerals very boring and unless the person who died is a very close family member, then I think that funerals are for adults. Having said that, we took DD to two funerals when she was a baby. We sat at the back and on the end of a row and on the one occasion when she started grizzling I whisked her straight out. I think that under no circumstances should children be allowed to disrupt the service.
The general socialising after a funeral I think is much more suitable for children, and it can be quite comforting to have them there.

YES

Sorry, forgot to add that the parent who is furthest related to the deceased is the one who takes on child-watching duty. Would your DH be willing/able to take care of them and whisk them out if necessary?

I feel if you exclude a child then it becomes a mystery. Include a child and diminish the taboo.

It's not just about the child though, is it? It's also about the other mourners and whether the child will get bored and disrupt the service, and/or whether you're willing/able to remove them if they do.

Thank you all, you've given me a lot to think about.

sorry your father is so ill emkana. you dont say how old your dcs are but when my grandpa died i went to the funeral (aged about 11) while my cousins (then about 11, 9 and 7) weren't allowed. they really really regretted not going and asked me a lot about it. so if your dcs are old enough not to wreck a service (ie not tantruming 2yos) then i would let them go. death is a part of life and funerals are a bad way to learn about it.
also you dont say if your mum is still alive but if she is would she perhaps find it comforting if the grandchildren were there? sort of life (and the family) goes on...

sorry that should obviously have been funerals are NOT a bad way to learn about it!