What is something you wish you knew before having a baby?

[El77]

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Excellent advice already given by posters.
I'd like to reiterate / add:

• flexibility is key. From birth to beyond. The baby doesn't share the same plans as you. I've always fancied a water birth and didn't get it for any of my three for various reasons. I thought I'd spend my maternity leave wandering the local town with my baby snug in a pram or doing loads of classes. One of my DC wouldn't tolerate any time in the pram, and classes are more for you (connecting with other new parents) than the baby.
• Wonder Weeks is a great book detailing development stages, but as with any other baby book, please don't take it as gospel. Every baby is different and they all do things in their own time. In particular use caution around the routine books - the baby hasn't read the book so doesn't know they're expected to go to sleep at 7pm. Ime cause more hassle than they're worth.
• it's good to develop a mental checklist for when your baby cries - are they hungry, tired, need winding or a nappy change, cold, hot, bored, over stimulated, just want a cuddle...? But accept that sometimes they just get themselves so worked up, you won't figure it out. Make sure you have ear pods and a number of podcasts lined up (highly reccomended 'Parenting Hell' by Rob Beckett and Josh Widdecombe!) and develop your own hold and bouncy motion and ride it out for a little bit (although do note PP has said - if it gets too much, ask someone else to take over, or pop them somewhere safe like their crib for a bit and go to another room and gather your thoughts). DC#3 who is 20 weeks old prefers to be laid from my right shoulder to my left hip, slightly on her side and turned into me, with a blanket in her hand being rocked by me moving my hips in a figure of 8 motion. I might give salsa a try once she's older. Took a while to work it out and my previous 2 had their own preferences.
• After a few weeks/ months you know you baby better than anyone. Go with your gut instinct if you think something isn't right. My youngest DD at 3 months had "just a cold" but I knew something wasn't right but I couldn't put my finger on it. Rang 111 and long story short, we ended up in hospital for 4 days as she had developed bronchiolitis and a secondary chest infection.

@Passthecake30

For me, it was that you’ll most likely lose your friends who don’t (or can’t) have children. But it’s worth it.

For me it was the realisation that this isn't the case. I was worried that I would lose my beloved childless/childfree friends, and this actually put me off having children for a while.

But I haven't lost them. We're all aware that things are different now, and my priorities have changed, but children are small and needy for a relatively short period of time in a lifespan. You don't have to sacrifice everything for them.

That your hormones will be completely out of control after you have given birth and those around you should be understanding and supportive about that.

About 5 seconds after birth you know your babies needs better than anyone else. It doesn't matter if people have 9 kids, or have been working with babies for the past 30 years. Mum knows best, truly!

Also, when people give you unwelcome advice, don't chalkenge it. Just thank them for it and still do your own thing.

You don't owe anyone a cuddle with a newborn, let family and friends come round when it's convenient for you and when you feel up to having visitors. I wish I'd been firmer.

Some babies can't be sleep trained. Just go with it. Don't watch the clock, don't count the hours, forget about evening/nighttime whatever. If baby sleeps during the day and is awake at night then you do the same. You won't get well rested but if you try to sleep when baby does you will get enough sleep per 24 hour period to get through this. And yes it's a phase!

All those people who know better how to get your baby to sleep are wrong, a baby who sleeps through, sleeps through because the baby was ready for it, not because what kind of magic the parents did.

You will quickly get over yourself and all of the things you said you will/won't do.

Says the woman who's children both had dummies, love mccdonalds and play far too much minecrsft.

You may not necessarily be up every night until they're two. I had two babies who slept all night early on. You won't always have a baby who likes to nap lots in the day though. It's trade off.

Baby books are a load of shit. Read up on having a csection even though you are never, ever having one. Said the woman who had two and no natural births.

How tiring it is!

And that your child will have a personality of their own, that may not always easily mesh with yours!

Not to dismiss previous posters who struggled with breastfeeding but just to add my different experience:

I EXPECTED breastfeeding to be hard work. I gave it a go fully prepared to switch to bottles at any point. In reality I had no problems, didn’t have to buy any equipment, didn’t have to pack anything to go out, didn’t have to get up at night!! So just to say you might be lucky or unlucky with your breastfeeding experience if you choose to try but don’t borrow trouble!

Other things I did not know before pregnancy: I had never heard of a bloody show, never heard of lochia, never knew periods could get worse post partum (I realise these all revolve around blood!)

Baby wise have confidence in your instincts. Babies are not manipulative, you can’t make a rod for your own back. Respond to YOUR baby’s needs and ignore advice that doesn’t work for you. All the best

I wish I’d have known that I would not have a clue what I was doing and that a magic instinct wouldn’t kick in like I believed it would.
I wish I’d have known that sterilising baby bottles is so that you get rid of bacteria from possible dried milk deposits, it doesn’t mean that everything the baby puts in their mouth has to be sterilised.
I wish I’d have known to ignore health visitors on most of their advice, one told me not to give my baby a dark quiet place to sleep because he would never get used to noise and light.

There is no routine to breastfeeding. You just spend the first 6 weeks or so feeding the baby. Cluster feeding in the early evening is a real thing and if only I had known to just keep the baby at the breastfeeding from about 6pm to midnight it would have been so much easier.

Just go with the flow so your baby's routine becomes your routine although this is contradicted for 2nd/3rd babies who have to work around school runs and nursery runs.

You may be inundated with different midwives when you get home. I had 4 and two students who all contradicted each other and then the world's worst 23 year old HV! Total strangers want to discuss the most intimate details of your body and relationship. You can say no, you can ignore what they say, you can contact someone and say you will see no more than two during the 10 days or so and if you have any concerns you will contact your GP. But overall be prepared for an overwhelming intrusion from nincompoops.

Focus on everyone being clean and fed for the first 6 weeks.

Camilosan contains Lanolin. It is not entirely natural and organic as a midwife told me despite me checking it would be OK as I am allergic to lanolin. Check carefully that Lansinoh the replacement doesn't contain it if you have an allergy to it.

If you don't feel that bond fake it until you make it because you will make it. Cuddle your baby, sing to them and tell them you love them even if you don't feel like you do. Once incredible day you will say it and realise that you mean it. Also not feeling that bond straight away doesn't mean you won't be as close to your DC. DS and I couldn't be closer.

• I found a Moses basket invaluable for the first few weeks (especially when I was taking a shower as they could be carried in to the bathroom and the sound of running water put them to sleep).

• as others have said, if you can't breast feed, don't waste energy feeling badly about it. I pumped and pumped and exhausted myself for no good reason. I eventually accepted that I was lucky to live in a country where there is formula and clean water.

• that the crucial thing is to ANTICIPATE tiredness and put your baby to bed as soon as they are tired , and not after a while of being tired. Otherwise, adrenalin kicks in to keep them awake! And then sleep goes out of the window because they fight it. A good sleep routine helps you to jump on the signs of tiredness immediately.

• that it is gently relentless and you don't get weekends off

When you get to pull ups, they tear down the sides to remove them. You don't have to ever so carefully roll them down trying not to get poo on baby's legs like I did

That milk sometimes doesn't come in and breastfeeding isn't possible.

That I didn't have to try and make it work with my baby's dad. We co-parent way better than trying to force it as a couple.

Wooden toys look lovely. But your kids will prefer the plastic shit that flashes and makes noises.

There is a joy that men will never understand, the first time you get to go out again with a small handbag containing only keys, phone, money and lipstick.

10 years goes by in a flash. But you don't have to miss the early years, which seemed to last about 3 centuries.

You will get yourself back. That was the hardest bit for me. I liked the new role initially, but I missed my freedom for a long time. And not cos dh doesn't pull his weight, but ALWAYS having to think about other people in any plans you make.

That breastfeeding can be really really hard work. I persevered and loved it from 4 months onwards - but were those first four months of mastitis/infection/antibiotics plus endless pumping worth it? Not sure.

That each phase is different and has its own challenges. She's seven now.

1. Pnd can break you
2. Bf is hard to establish
3. That my ex dh was an utter bastard who went awol as I was taken to theatre and was talking to his girlfriend as I was giving birth. He did nothing at all for the baby until about 6m old when I walked out in desperation (see #1)

That breast feeding is hard, it doesn’t come naturally - to you or the baby - but it is worth persevering as it gets markedly easier after 3 months.

That just when you think you have this parenting thing sorted the kid will swing into a new phase and you’ll be making it up as you go again.

Also that what works for one baby doesn’t work for another (even twin sibling other).

It is all consuming and you may behave in ways you never thought you would.

Fancy or complex clothes on a baby less than 1 year are not the one.

They are very very expensive.

Friends/family who offer advice, sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not for you and you need to let it flow in and out.

Be kind to yourself, eat well and healthily but don't beat yourself up. Aslong as baby is safe, secure, fed, clothed, cuddled and loved not much else matters.

You'll lose some friends potentially

Don't let people bully you. I have a friend who thinks I'm being boring as I don't want to be out every day with baby and I have a routine. Who cares, you do what's best and works for you.

Sometimes the advice doesn't match your baby. I still dreamfeed DD 11.5 months as it gets me 7 hrs sleep a night !

Oh and breastfeeding is frigging hard but gets easier as you go on as baby understands more and mouth is bigger.

BUT you may get 3- 4 month breastfeeding crisis. I did and had no bloody clue what it was until later!