Dad feeling overwhelmed by one child only

[TheWhalrus]

Hi folks,

Posting as a dad because there is really no dad-specific equivalent. All comments are welcome, although unconstructive ones will be ignored.

So, i'm a dad of an 18-month old girl. I'd say i'm a fairly average dad, I mostly try my best and i'd say I handle about 40% of the parenting burden overall and about 50% of other stuff (household chores etc, but maybe a bit less admin etc as my German isn't really up to it (we're in Germany; she's German and i'm British)). We both work full-time and DD goes to kindergarten fulltime, so essentially we both have to do our fair share to make things work.

The thing is that although I know I do less parenting than DP, I still feel less enthusiastic about it. Its not that I don't love our DD, and i'm enjoying her development, and particularly her talking, which is going well. At the same time I feel tired most of the time and often a bit unenthusiastic about the thought of spending time with her, especially when its just the two of us, which is often the case as DP has to work 6-8 long shifts (either overnight or weekends) per month. We recently had a few easier weeks as family have been helping out a lot, and I thought i'd feel at least a bit refreshed by this, but actually the opposite has happened. I'm dreading the Kindergarten pickup this afternoon...it's getting so bad that i'd rather work more than spend time with our daughter and I feel like it shouldn't be this way.

Any thoughts would be welcome here. I have no particular expectations. If someone wants to Dad-bash then thats fine, but don't expect a response.

Hello, that sounds tough. My husband has found it hard when he took care of our eldest daughter solo (he had her one day a week on his own). Partly it was because all the other adults glue saw eg at toddler groups, playground etc were mums and sadly generally ignored my husband. It must be even harder for you if you can’t communicate with other parents in your first language.

Honestly, parenting is hard and I think a lot of people would often rather be at work so I don’t think you’re alone I’m feeling like this.

18 months is also I think the start of a trickier she tantrums etc. My youngest is 2.5 now but had been trying since before 18 months!

Sorry I’m not sure I’ve got much advice only to say I think other parents feel like this too. The thing that keeps me sane is getting out and having adult interaction if that’s possible? Do you know any other dads?

Otherwise I think if you’re at home try to plan activities rather than having aimless afternoons. I don’t mean anything fancy but you know, banging pots and pans, playing with water etc

Try not to beat yourself up about it. We have both found the age 18 months to 2.5 years ago car the hardest bit. They need so much attention, want to play with you all the time, won't necessarily eat what you give them or sleep when you want them to. You have to constantly be watching them and you're often running on a sleep deficit of a year or more.

I'm sure things will change for you as she gets a bit older. Try to remember that you love her and make sure you have time to yourself and/or with your DP regularly.

It's ok not to enjoy every stage. I did not enjoy spending time with mine between about 1 and 2.5. The short attention span was very wearing. Just try to look enthusiastic to her, and hang in there, they get much more interesting once they are old enough to engage with where they are and can concentrate for a longer time - about 2 and a quarter I'd say

I used to mainly do things that needed doing (shopping, laundry etc) and try to engage the baby/toddler. At least you feel you arid getting things done. Also long prank walks kill a larger chunk of time.

Sorry to say it but if you are doing 40% your partner is doing 1.5x what you are. Just saying.....

I’m a mum and felt exactly the same until my kids were 3

I’m not a parent but honestly I can’t understand why parents don’t feel like this more. I spent a few years in early years care and it’s monotonous and boring. I think you’re having a logical reaction to a boring series of chores/duties but people don’t feel like they can talk about it because you love your kids overall. I left nursery work/child minding because although I was always busy it was so, so dull my mind was screaming inside. I guess I’d say, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ll be a better dad if you acknowledge and find alternatives for the bits you find unbearable.

I think this is really normal for many people. I remember actually wanting to throw my DCs in the bin when they were that age. They'd wonderful, but it is a slog, and sooooo boring,

Sounds like you could do with a break!

I have 20 mo twins so i can feel your pain.

What do you do when it's just the two of you? Do you drive? Can you put in more structure if you have none / less if you don't? So baby groups or an activity you'll both enjoy?

Also how are you in the rest of your life? Are you feeling meh about anything else? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel physically well?

18 months to 2.5 years was my least favourite stage, sorry to say. Once they grow a little older, from 3 upwards it gets easier and more enjoyable and your DD will start talking more and if she is anything like my daughter the little things she says will make you laugh...a lot!
It's easier then to take her for walks, to cafes, go to the cinema or do some baking at home...if that's your thing! Hopefully you will both find these kinds of activities more enjoyable then.
Also, kudos to you for spending so much time with your DD whilst your wife is at work! My partner has never really done this unless he has to.
Hang in there, it gets better.

Being with young children can be hard, no matter how much you love them. This stage will pass, you just have to power through it. It won't last forever, I promise.

parenting is hard! Most people find playing with children this young boring and tiring. However, you act all jolly and happy, because you are laying the foundations for a life long relationship, which you will find more and more rewarding as years go by.

Variety! Go out a lot! don't hurry to places, but enjoy the journey, a slow walk to the park with lots of chat and dawdling, rather than a quick drive which gives you more time to kill when you are there.

Time goals - when you start to feel really drained by the play-doh, bouncy ball, whatever it is, give yourself 20 minutes more to pretend its the thing you most want to do in the whole world - lots of smiles, fake excitement, communication. Give your child a 5 minute warning before you have a break

Tea breaks - if you can get a decent cup of tea in Germany! - I would allow myself 3 or 4 in every full day of playing I did - and this meant I sat down with a cup of tea in my hand, and my child learnt that was mummy's sitting down time, and she would be playing again soon.

Do housework together. Ok, it will take 10x longer, but if you spend 30 minutes on a game called sorting the laundry, then you have amused your child for 30 minutes, and got some laundry sorted - two birds!

Play dates - much harder for a man to organise than a woman, sadly. But look into organised activities, eg baby music, baby gym, baby swimming, etc, again, you take time to go their slowly, you benefit from the company of other adults, and you take time to come back slowly too.

Above all, know that this gets easier.

Everyone finds some stages harder than others. My personal hatred is age 3- very independent, needs constant supervision, but has their own opinion on everything... this is the age I have found hardest with nieces and nephews, my own children and now my Godchildren

I love cuddly babies, and from 4 upward, it just gets better and better, for me.

You are going to find there is an age that you start hugely enjoying, it might be around 4 or 5, and you will enjoy it all the more because you have put in the ground work to have a fantastic relationship.

Good luck! xx

@MilesJuppIsMyBitch

I think this is really normal for many people. I remember actually wanting to throw my DCs in the bin when they were that age. They'd wonderful, but it is a slog, and sooooo boring,

Sounds like you could do with a break!

yep, I am a teacher, and I can vividly remember getting to Tuesday on one half term break and feeling desperate to get back to my hated job! Could not imagine I was going to survive another 6 days at home!

Yup I wanted to work more. Hardest time of my life.

I think a lot of people feel this way when the kids are young. I remember craving nights away and getting a break from the mundane slog of day to day parenting. Funnily enough now they are teens I actually love having them around and it never occurs to me not to want them to come on days out or weekends away. So hold on it does get easier!
In the mean time you need to carve out leisure time that is separate from parenting if you can.

On the days my DH picked DD up from nursery he would take her to the park or anywhere outdoors. Tire her out and then take her home for a long nap. He couldn't do indoors with her at all!

18 month olds are bloody hard work! Keep reminding yourself that this is a really tricky stage but it will pass! I found booking things in for weekends/time off that I could count down looking forward to helped.

It's a hard slog at that age - I found after 2 was better as physically DS could do more and had slightly longer concentration skills! I think any length of time is about playing to your skills, my DH has infinite playground patience and enthusiasm, I do not. I love doing baking, crafts and art, DH does not. We stay in our own lanes.

Definitely get out and about - a buggy walk, playground trip, coffee shop visit, quick nip round the supermarket, getting some books from the library.

I think it might be that you aren't playing the right games. I'm a DGM and i'm not sure what exactly I played with an 18 month old but maybe giving voices to toys, so Teddy wants a drink (give cup, nnmnmnmn) Teddy likes his drink, then make 'drinks' for more toys, pretend 'picnic' on the floor with them. Possibly hiding something eg hide your eyes and I will hide Teddy (under the cushion) - they always cheat, and always hide things in the same place which I would find funny - I like seeing them develop and don't mind looking stupid. I spose you don't really play with them, more follow them around or suggest things eg teddies

Its such a full on age! You need eyes in the back of your head. There is nothing to feel bad about.

Hi all, thanks for your responses and good to feel that i'm not alone.

Much of this I agree with, particularly the need for planned activities while DP is doing 12h day shifts....on those days I find I get to about 4:30 and then badly run out of energy, just as DD is getting stroppy and wants feeding. I think another problem is that DD isn't very into activities or days out yet. I tried a few farm parks with animals and she hated that, she quite liked pick-your-own fruit farms, but that's mostly finished now. Playdates can be complicated to arrange, especially with a language and gender barrier, although i'm trying. There are also more COVID restrictions still in place here than in the UK, hence the large soft play facility just down the road, which would otherwise be ideal and isn't massively expensive, remains shut for the foreseeable. We went swimming in open-air pools during the hot weather and that seemed to work, but its cooler now.

I really look forward to a time when DD can engage with a wider range of activites...at the moment her favourite thing ever seems to be to climb on everything (park apparatus, sofas, chairs, other furniture, me....probably open windows if I didn't pay attention). Another problem is that most of my friends here are either from work or sports clubs....ie none are local dads with children of the same age.

@MotherOfCrocodiles: yes i recognize DP is doing more of the childcare. This is partly what bothers me, but she also says she mostly enjoys it and has a few more parent friends locally (all mums; I sometimes impose myself on her female friends, some are fine with this and some not).

Many, many Moms feel the same way at this age. It’s an incredibly intense stage of parenting. The best thing is to just get through it. Find activities that you enjoy doing with your toddler to make the time a bit easier. Dd and I baked quite a bit. I didn’t even care so much about the results of the baking though we did enjoy them, but the process was something we could do together.

I'm a mum and not a natural with kids. At that age I liked my time off work to be the three of us as I found it hard to look after our daughter alone. They need such constant care at that age just to keep them safe - it's exhausting! My husband works with kids so generally finds one kid easy. It got much easier for me from when she was 3 and started needing less intense care. She 6 now and is fun to spend time with but also there are lots of activities she can go and do with other kids in the school holidays to give us a break. I now have another daughter and so far she's much easier!

I think most of parenthood is like this. Stressful, boring, incredibly restrictive and a huge responsibility. A lot of mothers feel like you do, but are afraid of being burned at the stake if their love isn't enough to keep them in a state of bliss all day for too many years.
Sorry OP. Maybe move to a commune?

particularly the need for planned activities while DP is doing 12h day shifts....on those days I find I get to about 4:30 and then badly run out of energy, just as DD is getting stroppy and wants feeding.

It sounds as though you need to have a pitstop/ downtime earlier before both your and your child's batteries are run down.

If your partner is doing more to make up for what you don't do please don't assume it's because she's enjoying it more. It is a slog, she's just picking up the slack because it has to be done.

Ah, just another one to say most of us have felt that way at times. 18 months is tough, not a baby but not a really engaging or capable toddler yet. Basically a baby in a bigger body! I'm assuming she still has at least one nap a day, what do you do during that time? I would just use it to rest on days when you're doing a long day with her solo, have a brew and watch a TV program or something. I find that often I need that little break rest in the middle of the day and it refreshes me for the PM whereas if I rush around doing chores then I feel tired and grumpy sooner and it impacts our day and how I manage with DD particularly if she's being difficult.

I met a local dad using the app Mush, not sure if that can be used in Germany? He approached me on the app and our families have become really good friends now over the last couple of years. It definitely is harder for dads to make connections with other parents I think though. Are there children's centres or anything similar in Germany? I used to take DD to activities at these pre-Covid and enjoyed the company of other adults whilst there, also found that paid staff at these places were good at ensuring nobody was lonely and everyone had someone to talk to. What about church-run playgroups? Sorry if none of this is useful for Germany as I have no idea what kinds of things run there.

TheWhalrus I wouldn't recommend imposing yourself on your wife's female friends if they are not keen, but how about meeting up with some other dads with young DC? Could you suggest meeting up in the park this weekend on an expats Facebook group? Parenting is a much more pleasant experience sometimes when it is done collectively (not to shirk your responsibility, you are still in sole charge) but you may meet some friends of your own and be able to share the challenges. You may also learn some useful tips about how other dad's parent. Equally, at this age, it's not necessary to take your DD to a farm park to have fun as she won't really be too aware of what's going on. Take her with you to do something you enjoy (bird watching, football, looking at trains or cars, or just tinkering at home, doing some chores and cooking or something? ) obviously taking in to account her feeding/sleep needs. But if you do something you enjoy, she will probably enjoy it more too? It does get easier, good luck.