Dad feeling overwhelmed by one child only

[TheWhalrus]

Hi folks,

Posting as a dad because there is really no dad-specific equivalent. All comments are welcome, although unconstructive ones will be ignored.

So, i'm a dad of an 18-month old girl. I'd say i'm a fairly average dad, I mostly try my best and i'd say I handle about 40% of the parenting burden overall and about 50% of other stuff (household chores etc, but maybe a bit less admin etc as my German isn't really up to it (we're in Germany; she's German and i'm British)). We both work full-time and DD goes to kindergarten fulltime, so essentially we both have to do our fair share to make things work.

The thing is that although I know I do less parenting than DP, I still feel less enthusiastic about it. Its not that I don't love our DD, and i'm enjoying her development, and particularly her talking, which is going well. At the same time I feel tired most of the time and often a bit unenthusiastic about the thought of spending time with her, especially when its just the two of us, which is often the case as DP has to work 6-8 long shifts (either overnight or weekends) per month. We recently had a few easier weeks as family have been helping out a lot, and I thought i'd feel at least a bit refreshed by this, but actually the opposite has happened. I'm dreading the Kindergarten pickup this afternoon...it's getting so bad that i'd rather work more than spend time with our daughter and I feel like it shouldn't be this way.

Any thoughts would be welcome here. I have no particular expectations. If someone wants to Dad-bash then thats fine, but don't expect a response.

Yep it’s just the age and will get better. Give yourself a break.

Lots of snacks, cartoons if necessary, trips to the park and stock up on toys for the garden. Pinterest has some good ideas to keep toddlers entertained.

DD is 3 now and she’s amazing. Only thing is I now have newborn twins!

Are you leaving her to play alone OP whilst you sneak a drink / eat chocolate with your head in the fridge? My boys can play alone for a short time if i accept the house will be messier and they're going to get a bit of extra tv time.

Does she still nap? I make sure at the start of nap time i sit, drink, relax for 30m then do stuff. Well when they DID nap.... Now no cot sides means no naps unless im pushing a buggy so ill try and at least get a coffee or stop somewhere for a sit down

Within the constraints or your work, you could do a bit more house work and your wife a bit more childcare...? That is how we do it (husband does more childcare and less housework)

On the bright side I didn't find this stage nearly as bad with second child as they were less bored due to first child playing nearby (not playing with him! Just in the room)

Hi folks,

Back again after finishing the work/parenting day. Thanks for all your comments. Today was sort of alright...we went to a park after kindergarten and then home for dinner. The only really tricky moment was the 15 mins when I was trying to cook dinner and keep her entertained at the same time. After that she actually played with an old-school baby-born doll for about half an hour without requiring too much input from me, and then allowed me to put her to bed with no major protests.

I'm afraid I can't reply specifically to everyone. I totally agree with the 'take a break during naptime' suggestions and generally do this, although a bit of tidying up in this period usually also helps.

The whole meeting up with other dads thing is quite complicated. German men are basically a social disaster (and its not just me who says this, they are truly useless, even DP says this and she's directly related to two of them)...i'm working on an American dad who lives nearby, but he does much less childcare than me, and his wife seems to prefer to hang out with other mums.

Mines 22m I’m a SAHM and everyday is a grind. But apparently it does get better as they get older so I’m grinning and bearing it and trying to prioritise her happiness in the hopes that I’m laying the groundwork for a happy whole person. But yeah I think a lot of people feel like this male and female.

It must be really tough OP - the gender plus language barrier. Your wife probably does find the childcare more enjoyable as she doesn’t face the same barriers (that was certainly the case with me and my husband) I still found it hard but at least could go to groups and have a chat (this was pretty vivid) Good luck with the American dad…hopefully as time goes on you’ll be able to connect with more people.

Making dinner is a nightmare whilst looking after a toddler. It’s not just you!

Try to focus on the future - the more your daughter develops the more she’ll turn into your little buddy so you’ll be less lonely going out did the day etc

*pre covid not pretty vivid!

Can you ask your partner if any of her friends with kids would mind tagging along with you to a park/walk etc. It does get very lonely if you don't have adults to do this alongside... Perhaps see if you can find any local parent boards/forums and see if there are any other local Dad's who want to get together.
I have a 3 year old and he is a real terror after the preschool pick up so I completely sympathise that you are doing the childcare part of the day that is the least enjoyable and trying to make it till bedtime! But it will slowly become a bit easier... I really would try to find some allies to do this with! Or even better, get a Nanny or Childminder to help out twice a week till bedtime perhaps

Moving countries for a partner is really, really tough,and hopefully your wife acknowledges this. So please don't beat yourself up. As for practical advice, try as many expat Facebook groups as you can to try to find people to meet up with. I feel your problem is loneliness and having to do it all yourself more than anything else.

My DH and I had a similar set up when we had DS1. I worked long shifts and he was often with DS alone at weekends. He used to take DS out as much as physically possible. This was obviously pre covid, but there was lots of swimming and long walks. Soft play featured heavily, but I appreciate that's not an option for you right now.

It is a hard monotonous slog with young DC. I actually found it easier when I didn't work full time and I was home with DC more. I got more into it I think. After a day/week at work I'm exhausted and just want to slump on the sofa, not entertain a toddler.

I disagree about trying to meet up with others.
At that age I felt mine were getting all their ‘stimulation’ at nursery (puzzles and painting etc) so after school I kep it simple for both of us...
Tea was really simple, cheese cubes and carrot sticks etc (assuming she’s had a hot lunch at nursery) whilst watching family friendly films (we watched Annie 100s of time, and CBeebies or equivalent. Then after a long bath with lots of up ducks etc it was time for stories and a bottle and bed... there are some lovely books for that age and you could prob gets lots of them in both German and English. Then she’d be in bed for about 6.30/7...
It’s ok not to enjoy every stage and my advice (FWIW) is keep things as simple as possible.
And don’t forget she thinks you are both heroes whatever play dates you go on...

And I worked similar hours, until 4.30 and my husband rolled in about 7... I remember being a little bit resentful at the time...

I struggled with my first, small children are amazing and adorable but caring for them is tiring and can be dull. If your dp enjoys spending a lot of time with your lo, could you do more housework to compensate? Assuming she is ok with that.

Hope you’re doing ok. It’s tough without family support...

Hi there,
Just wanted to say I had a chat recently with my husband about this and he expressed similar feelings to you. He's a great dad, does 50/50 parenting and loves out son so much but he just finds it quite boring at the moment and doesnt find too much joy in it. Funnily enough, we're also in Germany. I'm the Brit, husband is German (would love to know what you mean by German men being social disasters? As this hasn't been my experience with them).
He makes sure that he gets out everyday, our son is only 13 months old but getting out to the park or for a walk breaks up the day and the fresh air helps. He has also enrolled in two playgroups, this way he gets some conversation with other adults and our son gets time to go play. It helps with keeping things varied. Could you maybe look up something like this nearby?

Don't feel bad. The more I parent, the more I realise that it's an investment and a sacrifice, and that's ok. I think once you take out of the equation the relentless message that you should enjoy it all, it actually becomes easier and actually more enjoyable! I do plenty of things that are dull for the greater good, and parenting is just one of them.
My parents told me they had a ball when me and my siblings were 5+, and that's because they both put the time and effort in in the boring early days. I'm happy to do the same for a long-term bond even if right now it can be relentless and dull. Not to say you can't find moments of fun, but that's not the majority of it. Good luck- loads of parents feel like you, they just don't say

@ToyCar1234

I’m a mum and felt exactly the same until my kids were 3

Same!

I'm so glad the responses on this have been so supportive. Agree with most others that it simply IS a relatively tedious and unrewarding stage and I used to feel I was wading through quicksand in the mid to late afternoon in particular. And you have the gender and language barriers to contend with. I think acceptance that it is kind of shit and even a sense of humour about that - which I suspect you have - combined with the knowledge that 'this too shall pass' will get you through. You're doing just great

DH was the one who did the pick ups from Kindergarten as I was working OTH and came back later. He went to playgrounds or the park with other parents (usually female) or on his own.
And yes - that age is incredibly boring.

What do you mean by 'social disaster' (what area are you in? That may be important...)