I can't do it anymore

[loulous1985]

Baby is 4 months and I'm just done with it all. This is so so hard. I know this sounds awful so please don't judge but I just want to remind time and make it all stop. 😥

You’re at the most sleep deprived, exhausting and hormonal stage right now. Give it time, I promise it gets better. I literally think the first 6 months are an absolute test and we become zombies trying to get through them. Day at a time x

You will be ok lou lou. I felt same with my first, at 4 months I had postnatal anxiety, couldn't sleep even when had the opportunity. Sleep deprivation makes everything seem so dark. It will pass.

Same here OP, my DD is 3 months and I feel like if I could wind the clock back I would. I'm totally isolated and dreading the future. I don't feel I can talk to DH about it, as it sounds so horrific, wishing that his beloved daughter didn't exist. I can't talk to my family either as they're a long way away and will just worry.

I think we have to do what pp said - head down, plod on and hope it gets better. It might be a good idea to speak to your GP, although I know that can be tricky at the moment in the UK.

I think you both need to talk to your GPs/midwives urgently. It's what they are there for. It's not normal to want to rewind the clock or wish they hadn't been born- this isn't just a symptom of sleep deprivation sorry. It sounds like you may both be suffering from post natal depression so you need proper support. Don't continue to suffer in silence and hope it will just get better. I had a baby in lockdown last year and I never wished to rewind the clock.

Ps I'm not judging either of you at all. Being judged is the last thing you need and I'm sure no-one (least of all your partners) would judge you for these feelings.

Is it what midwives are for?

I’m not meaning to sound argumentative and apologies if that’s how it comes over but do midwives routinely diagnose postpartum depression and visit babies at this age?

I think it’s normal though it’s such hard work at this age. My baby is eight months now and it’s generally quite easy, he can do more and can be entertained and distracted quite easily.

I hear you! Speak to your GP or health visitor. They will have heard this all before so don't worry about if they'll judge you etc. They can help, don't struggle on alone. X

It does get better I promise!! Just hang in there and keep doing what your doing, raising babies is HARD WORK!! But your not on your own I felt exactly like this when DS1 was that age, I had DS2 8 months later and honestly I can't even remember most of his first couple of months! I was so sleep deprived
But I'm still here to tell the tale, don't be afraid to ask for help it doesn't make you a bad parent to ask for help... there is no such thing as a bad parent we're all in/have been in that boat and it's a slog!

I seem to remember leaving a voicemail for my health visitor around this time, begging her to come and visit.

Prior to that I'd said I didn't need her! I think the first few months you're in a bit of a new baby bubble.

Exhaustion and sleep deprivation really start to kick in at around 4 months.

You CAN do it. Do you have any family support? Friends who'd come round and help out with anything?

I felt like this. I wasn't depressed - although my HV was v keen to sign me up for anti Ds - I was just utterly exhausted and shocked at the utter change to my life. It will get better xx

@carrotsparsnipspeppers

Is it what midwives are for?

I’m not meaning to sound argumentative and apologies if that’s how it comes over but do midwives routinely diagnose postpartum depression and visit babies at this age?

I think it’s normal though it’s such hard work at this age. My baby is eight months now and it’s generally quite easy, he can do more and can be entertained and distracted quite easily.

Midwife couldn't wait to discharge me, I haven't seen her in literally months.

@Thornrose

I seem to remember leaving a voicemail for my health visitor around this time, begging her to come and visit.

Prior to that I'd said I didn't need her! I think the first few months you're in a bit of a new baby bubble.

Exhaustion and sleep deprivation really start to kick in at around 4 months.

You CAN do it. Do you have any family support? Friends who'd come round and help out with anything?

No family support. Yes I have a few friends I could call upon but I hate to ask. I don't want anyone to know how I feel as I feel so ashamed of feeling this way.

The midwives should have discharged you into the care of a health visitor so it would be them you need to speak to, or your GP. Please do ask for some help, it must be so hard for you to feel this way. Sending love ❤️

It is bloody hard, BUT We are here for you to vent. Please post whenever you are having a crappy day, we have all been there, thought the same and wanted to scream.

IT DOES GET BETTER! I promise.

I really really struggled when my DS a was 7 months and I came on here and the women of mumsnet changed my life! Every gripe I had, someone out there had the same.

So tell us more, is your baby gaining weight? Is your baby smiling? Are you sleeping? How is your sleep? Are you making time to eat and rest yourself?

Yes midwife should have discharged you and a health visitor should have been in touch. It might have got a bit confusing with lots of stuff done over the phone due to covid while you're in a bit of a blur if it's anything like my experience. Did they give you a phone number for a health visitor? Or if not phone your GP and they'll either make an appointment or give you their number.

There is no shame in feeling like this, you don't realise how many mothers are going through exactly the same. Please ask for help, look after yourself. X

I found the 4 months stage the absolute worst with both my DC: I’d realised it was a permanent shift of my way of life, the visitors and offers of help had dried up, and the exhaustion had kicked in my then. It does get better, I promise. But as others have said, your health visitor or GP are there to help - both to see if it might be post natal depression but also to sign post other support that might be available.

I’m nearly 50, OP and I totally still feel that soul destroying wave of maddening, whole-body-and-mind fatigue whenever I hear the two newborns on our road screaming down their respective houses in the small hours. I just want to run over and hug their mothers.

Don’t feel ashamed! You can love the absolute bones of your little baby yet hate to the core this phase. That is totally ok! You’re in the trenches and it’s bloody hard. You REALLY need your partner to do at least one whole night where you get 8 hours of solid sleep. Is that possible?

I've just had a look back through my calendar and like GailTheFish have seen that at 4 months I was finding it really tough going. GP helped me get things back on track and also sign posted me to a charity that provided telephone support.

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied. I'm just reading through and digesting all your responses... I'm honestly moved to tears by the kindness of strangers on the Internet. Thank you so much for making me feel less alone x

There are so many lovely mumsnetters, that are so supportive. Post away and vent as much as you need.

Parenting is bloody hard and no one on here pretends it's not, which is so great.

If you want to chat more about specific things you are struggling with just give us some details and we will endeavour to help

Call your friends! Call your GP if the HV is shit. 4 months is a really tough age and PND is so common, there’s no need to be ashamed. Do you have partner that is helping? Would you like to share more about how things are going like sleeping and feeding?

Please don't feel guilty or ashamed for how you feel, having a baby under 6 months is utterly exhausting and sleep deprivation is torture. There's no rule you have to enjoy it all; much of it is mundane and thankless. I promise you that it does get better, but in the meantime, please reach out to your family and friends for support, and speak to your HV or GP about PND. 💐

Thanks again everyone.
To be more specific about what I'm struggling with:

1. Baby is (I think) going through the 4 month sleep regression - we've gone from having pretty decent stretches of sleep at night (6 hours plus) to waking every 2-3 hrs. It's killing me.

1. Partner is great and very hands on when he's home, but he works long hours and I spend a lot of time alone trying to fill the day. No family help. Very few friends locally. I do try to get to baby groups etc but I find it only fills a couple hours and then I'm left thinking what on earth do I do now ...

1. I'm BF but also formula to supplement so partner helps with feeds (inc night feeds even when working next day, which is great), but I'm getting blocked ducts all the time and I've had infections from it a few times. It's really getting me down.

4 I don't recognise much of my identity anymore- physically because I look different (carrying a bit of baby weight around my middle whereas I used to be a gym fit size 8 so it's just depressing as I worked hard for that body), and also in other ways like socially etc. I don't go to the gym like i used to, I don't see friends... I miss feeling and looking like me.

So that's it really, in a nutshell. I love my baby more than anything but my god this is hard!!

Thank you for listening to my moaning/ranting. It feels better to offload

Relate to point 1 a lot. No advice other than you are not alone x

totally hear you OP, it is a horrifically hard stage.

I absolutely promise it gets easier.

Glad to hear you're not ebf, I think that can put unnecessary strain on things to be honest. Having a partner be able to give a bottle is literally a life saver.

I found this really helpful for blocked ducts. I wasn't trying to express milk but it allowed me to drain the excess when I got blocked. www.amazon.co.uk/Haakaa-Manual-Silicone-Breastpump-Breastfeeding/dp/B01F8W7CF0/ref=mp_s_a_1_2_sspa?hvlocphy=41470&smid=A217E4EHNXPHAA&psc=1&hvnetw=s&keywords=silicone+breast+pump&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExTjFDN1lBSllMNjVIJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNjUzNDYzTzE4QTdHNkQ4WVZYJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTA5NTMyMTEySkRBVFVFTVk1SFpBJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfcGhvbmVfc2VhcmNoX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=&hvadid=80126976428381&hvbmt=be&qid=1629309844&dchild=1&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-80127058858252%3Aloc-188&adgrpid=1282030768794020&sr=8-2-spons