Overwhelmed and exhausted with 3 children - does it get easier?

[Fedup2387]

I have a 9 year old, a 2 year old and a 1 year and zero family support. I have a few good friends but they either have no children and work full time or my other friends have young children themselves. I work from home and juggle that around the children and their dad isn’t much help as he still needs to grow up and realise that being a parent means more than the occasional park trip. I feel utterly overwhelmed and exhausted trying to keep up with everything, I have tried lowering my standards with the housework etc but that just stresses me out as by nature I am a tidy and organised person and I have thought about giving up work until they are both in nursery ( after Xmas) but can not afford to do so. I just want to know that this relentless - have to keep eyes on them 24/7, screaming, fighting, crying, clinging, mess and crumb spilling stage does actually get easier???? I kind of know that it does from my 9 year old but she was an only child for 7 years until we decided to have 2 babies within the space of a year. I feel overwhelmed, isolated, exhausted, slightly depressed and unmotivated with it all and generally feel like I’ll never have a life again.

First of all get rid of the man child. Can the little ones go to nursery sooner?

Nope

Not until she is 2 at the nursery right outside
my house, I did look into another one but it would have cost me over £1200 a month to send them both there and it’s in a different town, the only ones where I live take them they are 2

@Fedup2387

Not until she is 2 at the nursery right outside my house, I did look into another one but it would have cost me over £1200 a month to send them both there and it’s in a different town, the only ones where I live take them they are 2

Could the 2 year old go now?

The two year old does go now but term time only at present

My kids are now 14.15 and 9. It does get easier i promise you, it's hard having 2 close together. I used to find playgroups, playdates, outdoor picnics and getting them out and about and home for nap times helped keep me sane.

Yes. There are other challenges but, overall, the eyes at the back of the head stage is the worst - or was for me.

Mine are 7, 5 and nearly 3. It sounds as if you are having a really tough time. DH and I work full time in daily intense roles, but outside the pandemic have always had childcare. Homeschooling and working nearly broke me. On that analysis I would say it will definitely get better when your youngest goes to nursery. I also found once the youngest turned 2 that it got easier as he can play with the others/ independently more. That said by DH is hands on and I would imagine it's harder finding things that all three of yours enjoy.

Mine are 7, 5 and nearly 1. I have many days where I feel like you OP. No outside help either here and DH isn't very hands on. I found it really tough when my oldest two were babies and my MH really suffered, I struggled hugely and had very dark thoughts some days. So I'm trying my hardest not to go back down that particular rabbit hole this time around. There are days the washing up doesn't get done, laundry is almost never put away and I just try to keep the place vaguely clean and hygienic at the moment. I too struggle with mess, makes me anxious and tense but keep telling yourself it isn't forever. In a couple weeks your eldest two will be at school/nursery so if your youngest naps then you'll have a couple of hours a day either for yourself or housework, whatever floats your boat.
We're out and about every day to burn off steam, even just for an hour or two and baby naps in buggy. It really helps the kids and me too. But keeping it small and simple, the nearest easiest local park for picnics (no food mess to clear up at home), playgrounds, or just a walk with little challenges: find ten green leaves, a smooth stone, four sticks...whatever keeps em occupied.
And some days I don't feel I can do it so the oldest two are on the iPad/tv all day and we have frozen pizza or cereal and toast for tea. And we all survive.
I totally get where you're coming from. It's bloody hard with little ones close in age. Some days are just survival. But that's ok. Before DC3 came along things had gotten immeasurably easier with the other two once the youngest hit around 3 so it's not forever

Oh and instruct your DP/DH to take the kids out if you need him to. I tell mine to take them out over weekend at least once for at least 2 hours, longer if he hasn't got the baby so I can either just sit and breathe in peace or do whatever I need to do. If I didn't remind him (insist!) it prob wouldn't happen.

Separate then dad will have the dc for
every other weekend and will learn to step up

Of course it will get easier they will grow up eventually...but consider the point of their dad and why you stay with him

I have 3 under 5 and am
exhausted! No answers in terms of when it stops but wanted to message to say I understand!

Thank you everyone! Today’s a new day so I’m going to try my best- just like every other day and I’ll either sink or swim. It’s 9am and I have loads of work to do already, the house is a mess and the kids have crushed biscuits into the carpet. Fun times.

Yes! It gets easier but their needs change and different things drive you bonkers!

I have four children. When my second and third children came along within two years of one another I felt completely out of my depth. I thought I would have a breakdown. My now hubby at the time was not a good support back then but through strengthening communication and work on our relationship he has morphed into a wonderful man who is very supportive. I would start by asking him to do his fair share. It's hard to nourish the relationship when you have noone to help you have time together but try to prioritise some quality time together to strengthen your relationship, and communication.

Babies and young children are notoriously challenging! They will test the most placid and laid back person to the brink of their limits.

My kids are all 3 and above and I am finding things are starting to get better. My eldest has behavioural issues and is probably the hardest and he's 17, but still nothing pushed me harder than having two under 3 years. I never slept. I never liked after myself etc abd that was with support. I feel for you! But trust me it gets easier.

I had to let my immaculate cleanliness standard slip and it was the best thing I ever did. I just do basics daily. Restore the house morning and evening. Do what needs doing and not all the deep cleaning. That can wait until they are a bit older. Trust me that time will come before you even know it. They grow fast.

@Fedup2387 just float for now. If you think too much about it you'll sink, it's too hard to swim so just float along. It'll def get better.

I have 4 dc. Some rules I have that reduce the mess

Older children have jobs to help..unloading dishwashers, bring laundry to machine etc

No children’s food is allowed out of the kitchen, ever. If you want to eat or drink you have to be outdoors (sat down) or in the kitchen (sat down)

Each child’s stuff (towel, lunch box, raincoat, school bag, pencil case) is a colour specific to them. It saves a huge amount of time on whose is this etc

If the children have specific toys that are theirs that they dont want to share, those toys have to stay in their bedrooms. Anything in the communal areas is for sharing

If you are playing with something and someone else wants a turn it goes like this
Child a playing with ball
Child b… can i have a turn when you are finished?
Child a…. Has to say yes or they loose the privilege of playing with it
Child a …..gets to finish playing and then tells child b when they are done
Child b gets the ball
If child a wants another turn they can immediately ask child b…can I have a turn when you are finished

It is remarkably effective. You have to role model a few times and remove toys a couple of times at the beginning but the children get much better at taking turns with toys if they know they will get another turn with it later if they want

Every child is in their bed or bedroom at 7pm. Littles asleep and older ones reading, colouring etc. The evenings are my recharging time

I get up at least an hour before the dc. Its quiet, I can spend 15 mins just waking up and then 45 mins getting ahead on organizing the day.

Aim to be in bed asleep by 10pm.

It does get easier or maybe just different 🤣

Trying to look after 3 children whilst holding down a full time job is a huge task and I would question whether it is really sustainable - no wonder you're feeling broken. That's an inhuman amount of work you have on your plate.

Yes it gets easier. Mine are completely easy atm - two teens and a pre teen 5 years from dc1 to dc3). The input they need is enjoyable - hanging out together, motivation to go on a few days out, the odd bike ride. Two of them (the younger two) incline towards couch potato-hood so I make sure they get out for a bit, the eldest sometimes pushes it and wants a bit too much going on (money and time intensive) but they're all lovely. Obviously sometimes they have worries or problems and need support - all normal and really truly not as hard as three very young ones were especially when they don't sleep.

Mine all cook and pitch in with housework and the occasional bickering is sorted without intervention by retreating to their rooms, but they're mostly pretty harmonious.

It does get easier, yes

I have very similar age gaps! They are now 18, 9 and 8! I felt like I was drowning for about the first three years. It does get better though, I promise. You've had some great advice, I wish I could offer some but I mostly wandered about in a fog.

One thing I will say is that the close age gap is worth it's weight in gold as they get older. Mine fight like cat and dog but are best buds and will always disappear together to play. It's so much easier now.

It sounds like your challenges are:

1. An unsupportive partner who needs to step up
2. Trying to work from home around 3 kids including 2 toddlers with no childcare, it would barely be manageable with support and totally impossible without

If you can do nursery after Christmas, you need a plan to keep afloat until then. As a big start, can you try just going away for an entire Saturday to visit family or even just spend the day hanging out on the sofa of a supportive friend, and leaving him running the show? If he struggles it can at least show the challenges, or if it works ok, you and he can see that he can manage it.

Then be really clear about where you are at, what needs to be done, and get his thoughts too in how to manage it - you shouldn't have to do all the planning either.

It might be that paying for nursery/a childminder / a student who can babysit a few hours a week in the afternoons / a cleaner/2-3 ready meals or ones from Cook per week (delete as appropriate) is worth it in the short term, to keep your sanity, job and marriage ticking over, even if you don't end up saving much money.

It does. My DDs are now 13/10/5. I’ve been a lone parent since I was pregnant with DD3 (DDs 1/2 with ExDP) - I kicked abusive DH out the moment that test came up positive.

Anyway.

I got a dishwasher and a tumble dryer which was life changing!

I went out as much as possible in the first 3 years, it kept the house tidier, saved my sanity.

@Fedup2387

The two year old does go now but term time only at present

Ahh I see. Its definitely going to be easier in term time when both the babies are in nursery. It probably seems a long time away but hang in there, it will be the New Year before you know it.

Thank you so much everyone!!! I really appreciate the comments and it really helps. I’m seriously debating just giving up work until they are both in nursery but I can’t really afford to. It’s such a tricky one. I’ve definitely lowered my standards with housework but if I lower them anymore it will be a disaster for my mental health as a clean tidy house makes me feel good. I’ve stopped taking care of myself and I think that’s playing a big part in it as I used to really make an effort now I feel like a tramp that doesn’t wash my hair or get my nails done etc. It simply is a case of staying afloat isn’t it and drifting along for the moment but it really gets me down each day.

Im glad comments have helped. Can you go for a pamper in the evening or weekend? I’m not going to suggest a spa day 🤣 but how about a night by yourself in a hotel, leave the dcs with their father.

@Fedup2387 it just is a case of getting through it as best you can, but you are doing a great job!

One thing that helped me, was keeping the kitchen vaguely clean and tidy. I found that just having one room I could escape to that didn't look like a bomb had gone off made me slightly happier and by keeping on top of it helped me feel like I'd achieved something during the day.

So you have any toddler groups locally? I found a really lovely one when my youngest (who cried all the time) was a baby. I remember the first time I walked in, a lovely last didn't say a word, just handed me a cuppa, scooped the baby up and sent me off with my toddler to do craft. It was such a small gesture but it was so kind and I've never forgotten it. I hope there is something like that near you.