Has anyone else felt like this? PIL

[Yawnasorus]

My DS is 4 months old and I’m lucky that both GP’s love him and want to be involved. They both live near so can easily visit. My issue is that my PIL drive me nuts and I don’t look forward to spending time with them. I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way. Is this normal and does it go away?
For context, my PIL are kind and we get along but I’ve always found them intense, eg strict with timings, texting if your 2 mins late, commenting to DH that they haven’t heard much from him when he phones ( DH usually calls weekly, they never phone him) wanting to plan things 4 months in advance. They also haven’t a lot going on in their lives, they do everything together, have few friends and family. I’ve always felt they’ve high expectations of DH. He usually visits once a week or at least calls but I’ve always had the impression they want more. I used to see them every 3weeks or so and we get on well with no past issues.
With having DS I now see them twice a week and this is where I sound horrible. They haven’t done anything wrong but I really wish it was just once a week!
They either come to mine for a few hours or occasionally we go to theirs. Everything they do gets on my nerves!
When they interact with DS they repeatedly pass him back and forth, call out his name and make noises at him, it’s always at level 100, I think it’s too much for him as while he doesn’t cry he’s always fussier later in the day.
They keep buying things for DS which is natural and we are grateful but it’s getting a little too much. We’ve tonnes from friends and family already and vouchers we’ve not yet spent, we always thank them but I’m now feeling that they are doing it as a way to see him more as they will get something and say, we’ve got this, we were thinking of dropping it round on xxx.
They’ve offered to take DS for an afternoon or a day so I can have a break. This is a lovely offer but I feel it’s too lengthy a period as he is EBF and is still feeding every 2 or so hours. Ive thanked them and said we will be happy with this when he is older say 7-8 months and is weaned so needs less breast milk. My issue is they have asked at least 10 times now and my FIL has even taken me and DH aside separately to mention it so I now don’t really see it as a genuine offer of help but as them pushing for more time with DS.
The other issue I have is that when I see them they are clearly not interested in me or even DH. I’ll make small talk but then conversation shifts to something they have done or to DS and I just don’t enjoy it, I had a job interview the other day and they’ve completely forgotten about it.
I hope it’s just hormones and it will go away. Just needed to vent I suppose and see if anyone else has felt similar. I’m not going to say anything IRL, I just can’t seem to shake off these feelings!

No it’s not just your hormones. Your DH needs to put boundaries in place to ensure you can have a good relationship with your peers. DH needs to say we’ve been very clear that’s it’s not in the baby’s beat interests to be without Mum yet and the more you don’t listen to us the later the time we feel comfortable leaving him will be.

Oh this is dh issue to sort. My PIL are decent people but we have nothing in common and I find visits draining and difficult. Dh telephones everyday and mil phones him back often too. Then he visits once a week with the dc and they say 'we rarely see you or you will be back to school soon' or 'we are disappointed you didn't buy a house beside us'.

Just don't engage too much. Dh needs to tell them really directly not to contact you about taking the baby. Dh had to do that for me - mil rang me everyday stressed dh hadn't rang her yet. If I said anything it would have caused upset. He was very firm and direct.

Try to not let this eat you up or annoy you.

Twice a week is too much.
I would start being 'out' also dh can visit without you.

It's not your responsibility to facilitate the relationship between DC and PIL. Your DC has 2 parents, and your DH needs to be responsible for the relationship (or lack of) between DC and his parents.

I'd suggest that he arranges visits and you stay back. If PIL are coming to yours then you both need to be present.

It drives me nuts that women are expected to pick up all this slack. DH needs to be responsible for his side of the family.

I genuinely thought I was going to get flamed for what I’d posted. DH has said no about leaving DS and if they ask again he will get annoyed and say something. I will too tbh. Trouble is DH works a lot so doesn’t know what I’ve got planned day to day so he could keep in touch but it wouldn’t work, he’ll end up arranging something and it would clash. He does shifts so on his days off he and I really want to go out and do things with DS. I could suggest he goes without me but they would start to wonder why I’m not there. The other issue is that I see my own parents and family quite often so feel I would be seen as very unfair. I’m on maternity leave so saying I can’t see them as I’m busy would only work for so long.

I suggest you remind yourself it doesn’t matter whether they think you’re “unfair”. That’s what I do nowadays and leave it to their Dad to take them to visit most of the time.
Just say you’re catching up on some sleep, getting some jobs done, visiting a friend. They might like having time with just their DC and DGC anyway.

Totally understandable, set some boundaries with them and tell them flat no when asked about taking your baby for a 'break'.

Sometimes feels like you're just the vessel that brought the baby into the world. I'm also ebf a 6 month old and was asked at 3 months when he's going on bottles, so they can take him away for hours.

If I were you, I'd get your DH to arrange contact when he's there and check with you whether it suits or not.

If they’re not bothered about seeing you/DH and only the grandchild then why not just sleep or do something else for a couple of hours while they hang out? Everybody wins. We had a lockdown baby and would have killed for that kind of break.

You may not be fussed with this now but if you are going to have more kids it would be pretty handy for them to spend entertain toddler if it means you can deal with baby, catch up on sleep etc. I wouldn’t burn your bridges just yet.

Don't you understand it's the duty of women when they marry to take on a whole other family and to put the wants and feelings of that family first, at least that's been the case for me and most of the women I know. So you meet a guy, fall in love, move in together, all the while seeing his family casually, no big pressure. Then... you have a baby, and you're expected to see these people, who you likely have little in common with and are a different generation to, all the time! And they're not even interested in you, you're just the gateway to the baby, but you have to be the hostess, use up your free time, be fair(!) about seeing them as much as you see your own family. It's always the women, never the men. My daughter's MIL phones my daughter more often than I do and it drives her mad. I think I've phoned my son-in-law once in 6 years, but my daughter is supposed to welcome this daily contact from MIL. I can image my son-in-law's horror if I started phoning him up every day with inane chit-chat, but a woman's time is for others to fill.

You need to be firm now and put some boundaries in place. Once a week is more than enough. You can see your family as much as you like - they're your family!! Don't apologise or make excuses for that, it's perfectly natural. Your DH can facilitate contact with his parents to see the baby - he's a parent too.

I went NC with my in-laws for a while after our first was born. I just couldn't take the pressure and the implied guilt anymore. I couldn't do anything right! We got the relationship back on track after about 6 or seven months, but with boundaries in place. They needed to realise I didn't marry them I married their son, and they needed to lower their expectations as to how much of my time and energy I was willing to put into them. That was 30+ years ago and although we've never been close, we understand each other and get along fine.

There are loads of threads on here about women being in this situation so don't worry about being flamed.

I think the setting boundaries and number of visits is easier as you have all the power.

What I think is the worst part of your post was about the grandparents being so in your baby's face. I don't know how else to describe it! I know exactly what you mean and I hate to see it. We would never do that to an adult, if we did they would probably scream or punch us!

I would post again asking for help in how to tell them not to do that as I can see that that is an added reason for you to hate seeing them .

I would also consider moving.

Ah you have my sympathy! Could you try to reduce their visits to weekly and use the opportunity to do stuff you need to do in the home (even if that’s just having a bit of time to yourself for half an hour). When your baby is older I think it will be really helpful to have them so happy to look after him but it’s not appropriate for them to keep pushing it and your baby is young so they’re expecting too much

You need to stop being feeble and just say No. It doesn’t matter if they don’t like it, you don’t have to walk on eggshells with them.
I see PIL with DH when he arranges it, never without him. I see my family as much as I like.
It’s your mat leave, spend it how you like. Twice a week is too much, weekly is overkill to be honest.

My DD is almost 2 and not left with any GPs yet as I don’t want to. Just say No and refuse to discuss it again.

They are what I call parasitic grandparents in that because they don't have a lot going on for themselves they latch on to grandchildren to have something to do. The sad thing is the grandkids may grow up and lose interest in them when they realise there really isn't much to them. Ironically the best thing I think they could be doing now is finding other things to do with their time and taking an interest in other things.

If I was you I'd be making myself unavailable for one visit. Is there anything starting in your area for mums and babies in September?

Op I could have written your post.
Right down to the 'we'll take him to give you a break' but they wouldn't think to offer any other sort of help, like make me a drink.

Eventually I became more assertive but the best thing that happened in DHs family was his sister to produce a baby. Best baby ever. All attention focused there, mine get ignored.

OP, we were seeing my IL's three times a week inc lunch every Sunday. It got too intense, we just see them every other Sunday now

They mean well but i felt suffocated at times

Mine did this with the "giving you a break ", what they actually meant was "give us the baby ". Of course they wanted this break for me to be as and when they wanted it and never offered any sort of help or support otherwise even when DD was born and in SCBU. They don't even offer us a coffee when we visit them, we have to ask, then they huff and puff about it. Bizarre. They went on and on from ten weeks to take her out by themselves and I just said no until they started trying to be more forceful about it and then I said no fairly shittily and they've left it since. You don't have to leave your baby with anyone if you don't want to, especially not just for the benefit of your in-laws. Hopefully you'll find if you put your foot down firmly they'll leave it, personally I found the nagging really stress inducing and soured my relationship with them because they kept trying to push me into something I clearly wasn't comfortable with.

I hate the whole "we will have the kids to help you". Erm, if you actually want to help then ask me what it is I need help with.

I think one way I started managing the give you a break thing was to reply "no but you could do xyz for me"

Bit new mums definitely see through the "give you a break" help offer.

Haven’t read all replies but I saw you said you send DH without you as they will wonder where you are.

I’d encourage you to get over this - it’s liberating to let that go.

My kids are a bit older (5.5 and 2.5) and I see MIL plenty at family occasions (eg having her for dinner, birthdays) or dropping my older child off for a sleepover. But if husband is going to visit her for the afternoon at the weekend he doesn’t take me. She expressed surprise after we’d done this a few times and he simply said “Bluegreen doesn’t get a lot of time without the kids; she’s taking the opportunity to have an afternoon to herself. But she’s looking forward to seeing you at the barbecue next week for a catch up”. (Or something similar). No offence was taken but even if she was offended that’s her problem.

You DO NOT need to see your PIL every time your husband sees them. When you get married and have kids it doesn’t surgically attach you to each other! Totally ok to still have your own lives and interests to a degree!

Urgh, that should read “you don’t send DH without you!”. Obviously!

“Parasitic grandparents”

Bloody hell, how cynical do you have to be to ascribe such a label to grandparents who, no shit, want to see their grandchild.

Yeah some are a bit overbearing and there’s no rule book, but the level of bad faith assumptions on here are breathtaking.

@ManicPixie

“Parasitic grandparents”

Bloody hell, how cynical do you have to be to ascribe such a label to grandparents who, no shit, want to see their grandchild.

Yeah some are a bit overbearing and there’s no rule book, but the level of bad faith assumptions on here are breathtaking.

I don't know what else to call it when the grandparents don't have anything else in their life so they latch on to their grandchildren often to the detriment of their mother who has to make sacrifices to facilitate them. A friend of mine had half of her days off work dominated by her in laws to the detriment of her own mental health.

I definitely feel less mean now so thank you all, you’ve given me a different perspective and food for thought.

I just hate feeling this way! I genuinely want them to have a good relationship with DS and me and didn’t expect to feel the way I do. At the beginning I didn’t mind messaging and seeing them. The reason I’m struggling with these feelings is because they haven’t really done anything bad that you can call out iyswim? Everything they’ve done comes from a good place so I feel I should be happy they love him and want involvement? I also absolutely love my DH and it would really hurt his feelings if told him exactly how I feel.

My frustrations have gradually built up over time. The main one has been me feeling they want more, the subtle pushing to have him alone, for walks or to give us a break, the constant discussions about breastfeeding and when he will be weaned. I’m realising I and DH need to step in with this now because we keep focusing on feeding but actually tbh I don’t feel comfortable with DS being away from me yet and feel the same with my parents. I realise we need to nip this in the bud with them and spell it out.

The other big issue is hard for me to explain but often the way they do things seems to be more for their benefit not DS’ or mine which bugs me? So my MIL asked me to lunch which I thought was nice, I fed DS and we started walking back to mine. DS started to cry for milk so I picked up the pace yet mil says I’ll ring fil now to pick me up so he will be there when we get back to have a cuddle before you start feeding DS. Or when DS fell asleep in FIL’s arms and he asked MIL if she wanted a turn for a cuddle. They try and make an effort with me but really just end up talking about DS. With my parents it’s just very different, they ask how both me and DH are, my mother will rock DS till he goes to sleep so I can have a shower and he gets a nap, she will dry and put away the dishes, make me a coffee. My parents have never asked to have him alone and treat me like more than a mum.

Sorry if Ive bored everyone to tears I feel better writing it out as I’ve not spoken to anyone irl.

I do like the idea of DH going and me not coming to give me some child free time but I bet their response will be ‘we will have him any time’

The reason I’ve been going to PIL with DH is because DS likes a lot of milk so I need to be with him really as once he starts to cry you can’t distract him. It’s the same reason they come to mine as if they took him out he will likely get hungry. As DS needs less milk DH can take DS for longer so that’s a good thing I suppose

I think it’s more a personality clash than them doing anything wrong. Too much time spent together? Maybe my post should be tips on how to mentally cope with in laws instead!

@ManicPixie

If they’re not bothered about seeing you/DH and only the grandchild then why not just sleep or do something else for a couple of hours while they hang out? Everybody wins. We had a lockdown baby and would have killed for that kind of break.

I was thinking this.

Let them take him for a walk/coffee for 2 hours and return him.

You sleep or read or whatever.

Make an arrangement for this to happen once a week and say you are trusting they'll come back after 2 hours and it can be increased when feeding is more established/ he's weaned etc.

And everyone generally talks about baby when they visit and youve a newborn! You just get use to that and eventually it stops.