Who has it worse or is it equal?

[AmIEmptyOrNumB]

DH works shifts FT does 90% housework maybe more. I stay home with 3 month old who will not be put down for naps (but I am desperately trying to train now the 4th trimester is over). This means I don't sleep when baby sleeps in the day. DH sleeps in spare bedroom, only gets up if I ask in an emergency (e.g. Mega poo-nami on middle of night nappy change and its gone everywhere etc). I otherwise do all night feeds and changes and re - settles.

All I get from my family is "oh poor your DH, he is must be so tired '.... In terms of HW chores, we've let our standards slip (we agree some stuff can wait these days) and litterally just do cooking, dishwasher and washing machine, but rarely dust, hoover until desperate. I try and do a little here and there, load/unloading dishwasher when I can and baby let's me (baby is fussy, likes full attention etc) so it's not like I'm here plowing my way through Netflix box sets drinking tea all day, especially when baby only sleeps on me!

AIBU?

My husband works full time.
I did / do the night feeds as I didn't expect him to wake in the night as he's up at 6am.
He does them on the weekend but she barely wakes up now.
I do most of the housework, cleaning, hoovering, house admin, and make dinner.

Hubby just does the washing up after dinner.

I would feel bad if DH had to work full time and do pretty much all of the house work and chores but that's only my opinion!

Could you try a sling to try and tackle the housework?
Would your baby like the sound of a hoover? (Sends my LG to sleep)

When she was teeny tiny newborn the housework slipped a bit but now she's crawling and rolling around the floor I Hoover every other day as she would just pick things up and eat them

Sorry to drip feed!

I also work 3 days a week. So hard to fit it all in but I make sure on my days off I get housework done and bring DD in each room if she won't settle.

Thanks both. Did /does your DC only nap on you though?

It's hard to say unless you know how clingy the baby is. I had babies with reflux/colic and used a sling to look after the other kids and do housework. Baby dozed in the sling while I did school run, cooked etc

People have low bars for men but in this case it sounds like your h is doing his fair share. It's not worth comparing who does more especially when one person is looking after a baby because looking after a baby never looks like much especially when you've done stuff like spending hours pacing around praying that they fall asleep. I hope things start to get easier soon but I wouldn't sleep train a 3 month old as it's too soon.

@AmIEmptyOrNumB

Thanks both. Did /does your DC only nap on you though?

He spent pretty much all of my waking hours in a sling until 18 weeks. He slept well in one

@Dandy0911. How old is yours though? Mine is not able to really occupy themselves i.e. Not a crawler, can't play with toys etc
As I said I do what I can when they let me etc and aren't needing a nappy change, feeeding, playing with/attention, napping on me etc

Does the baby really not fall asleep in the car seat or pram so you can have a rest or do sime housework at those points? Otherwise I think your setup sounds fine, except for asking your husband for help in the night. Illness aside, there's not really anything that one person can't deal with.

See mine hates the sling

Yep really can't sleep anywhere other than on me or DH if he's home. If DH has a run of days in between shifts he has her sleep on him and I do the housework so he gets time off etc.

Have you tried a sling? DD rarely slept in one and usually contact napped but I got plenty done during the day and used it to cook, clean, tidy, go for walks.

You should be able to manage laundry if you want to, and shoving stuff in the oven.

Try and avoid getting competitive and I don’t feel sorry for him, but I expect you could do a bit more then less than 10% if you had to or wanted to.

My DH used to be weekend night feeds and I done through the week as he had work.
Housework I done tbh, he does the dishes.

Is LO able to sit in a swing chair or something and watch you potter? I used to do this with mine when I had a job to do. I just used to sign to him

sing

You have a 3 month old who only sleeps on you. That's haaaard. And it's hard on both of you - your DH is probably feeling a bit run ragged, and I well remember the oppressiveness of being in your shoes.

It's no one's business how you two split the work, so long as you're both happy. I think those who think you are taking the piss likely either never had a baby that can't be put down, or have forgotten how tough it is. You see it a lot on here - "enjoy the snuggles" hahahahahaha, as if. It's not enjoyable when it's not a choice.

Just hang on in there, it will get easier and then you can discuss how to rebalance things.

The only thing I'd suggest is swapping a bit - your DH might like to sit with a baby on him in the evenings or at the weekend, and you might like to go into the kitchen to cook some dinner and shut the door. Also, if you're up a lot in the night make sure your DH helps - either by taking a shift or letting you have a lie in on his days off.

Sound reasonably fair to me, working and doing housework is normal life. Whereas sleep deprivation is awful, especially weeks on end of it. Id rather swap more housework for a good nights sleep now and then personally, but if baby cant be put down during day (and I know that happens I had one), then you cant do much else. After 6 months it will get easier.

X post on sling. There are loads of different types, how many have you tried?

Contact napping means you are resting when he sleeps, that’s when you plough through Netflix. I’ve always rested when DD naps, still do and she’s 2. But I found a way to get stuff done when she was awake during the day, I’d stick her in the bouncer and chat or sing to her while I was cooking, changing linen, folding washing, stacking the dishwasher.

If the current set up works for both of you then who cares what your family thinks? Is your husband happy?

I think doing all night wakings during maternity leave is fine, as long as you’re getting enough rest and aren’t too exhausted during the day. I did as always breastfed and I didn’t need anyone else awake with me when I fed as quickly as possible and we both got back to sleep quickly.

Thanks everyone. I was just a bit sad from the comments from my family. They've all had kids but they've had EASY kids. Mine is clingy, has feeding issues, reflux, will only nap on me etc. Needs my full attention otherwise whinges, basically VERY NEEDY. It would be easy if they slept in the pram, yes, or the sling but they don't. It would be lovely to have a few days 'off' a week like DH or two makes teas and coffees whenever, to even sleep THROUGH the night 99.9% of the time like he does!!!! To have them say "oh poor DH" just made me feel really bad and sad like I'm just swanning around all the time.

Do you have a sling library near you so you can test drive different types of slings? I had great success with a stretchy sling when he was little and used an Ergo later for long walks.

Oh, and welcome to one of the most frustrating realities of parenting - when men actually pull their weight and do some housework and mind their child, they are AMAZING and you are SO LUCKY. No gold star for you when you do the same, just a head tilt that you couldn't manage a little more.

I often said to DH, especially in the early days, that I'm not cut out to be a mother but that I would make an excellent father.

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule, both babies and mothers are different, one person might be wiped out when another might be fine. If your DH does food, dishwasher and laundry I wouldn't feel guilty, that's not exactly an overwhelming workload. You might find it easier as time goes on, eg my DC liked going by the washing machine when it was on, or 'helping' put out a wash, lying under it and watching it etc.

If you and your husband are happy with the set up then it’s no one else’s business. My DS was exactly the same, would only nap on me until he was 8 months (would nap in moving pram or car, but would wake up if it stopped!)
My DH did used to get a bit frustrated sometimes when he came home and nothing had been done/the house was a tip and it caused a bit of resentment between us because I felt he didn’t understand how claustrophobic it was, but looking back I can see his point. I was very anxious and I tried a stretchy wrap to get stuff done in the house but I was so worried about him suffocating and because we were in lockdown no sling libraries were open and I didn’t feel confident he was in right. As he got bigger, so about the age your baby is now, he was happy going in his bouncy chair and being chatted/sung to while I got some jobs done. Broken nights are really hard as well, my DS was a terrible sleeper until about 9 months so I was a big of a walking zombie in the day which also affected how much I got done!

Just ignore them. Opinions are like bum holes…. Everybody has one.

It’s exhausting for both of you. It gets easier, you’ve just got to hang in there and work together. Playing the who’s more tired game, when you’re both working hard, never ends well.

If you’re happy and your DH is happy what’s it got to do with anyone else?

This stage won’t last forever.

100% you are doing more.
Lack of sleep. You are working 24h a day...
My dc2 didnt sleep through till 3.4yo.
I agree with pp that what does your dp expect to do cooking cleaning and working is normal life. And what you both may have to do when you go back.
Dp did 0 night feeds over 2 kids. And then everyone wondered why i was a bit snappy.
Challenging even to go to the toilet.
Also worth bearing in mind it may not be good for your brain to get so little sleep.
I did tend to do stuff in the evening

I honestly cant see that people with easy kids can comprehend.
Tbh it is similar now dc are older and still highly strung. People with easy ones can't understand.

@AmIEmptyOrNumB
She's nearly 9 months now so a lot easier as she can pre occupy herself for a while in her chair or play pen.

When she was tiny she would only sleep on me. She wouldn't even sleep on DH, a sling is really handy for this. The early days are hard but it does get better!

Have you tried the car seat in front of a washing machine / tumble drier trick? Or if you've got bits and bibs to do, put your baby in a bouncer / chair / whatever they go in and bring to each room?

Whatever works for you though. Don't stress about it. Sounds like you both are doing your fair share. It just totally depends on how the baby is and everyone's individual set up.