Who has it worse or is it equal?

[AmIEmptyOrNumB]

DH works shifts FT does 90% housework maybe more. I stay home with 3 month old who will not be put down for naps (but I am desperately trying to train now the 4th trimester is over). This means I don't sleep when baby sleeps in the day. DH sleeps in spare bedroom, only gets up if I ask in an emergency (e.g. Mega poo-nami on middle of night nappy change and its gone everywhere etc). I otherwise do all night feeds and changes and re - settles.

All I get from my family is "oh poor your DH, he is must be so tired '.... In terms of HW chores, we've let our standards slip (we agree some stuff can wait these days) and litterally just do cooking, dishwasher and washing machine, but rarely dust, hoover until desperate. I try and do a little here and there, load/unloading dishwasher when I can and baby let's me (baby is fussy, likes full attention etc) so it's not like I'm here plowing my way through Netflix box sets drinking tea all day, especially when baby only sleeps on me!

AIBU?

I would not be impressed at getting up every night whilst my dh slept through. We are both parents and we both took turns to get some sleep from the start, with each of our dc.
That said, I wouldn't be particularly impressed to be out at work all day and find the SAHP spent the day sitting on the sofa watching box sets.
Yup, we can all have a bad day or a bad week, and if that is what it takes to get by, then fine, but if that were the 'status quo' , or expectation I would be disappointed.
If the baby cries when you put them in a cot / pram / moses basket / sling / bouncy chair / on a mat on the floor, well, they cry for a bit. Babies do cry. Life has to go on for short spells when they cry sometimes.

All of that said, if both you and your dh are happy with what is happening at the moment, what does it matter what I, or any of us on here, or anyone in your RL think ?

I had a 3 month old baby that napped on me. But would nap in a moving pram. So we spent 2 or 3 weeks taking her out for every nap and walking round the block. Gradually reduced, fall asleep on the walk then park up, rock in hallway etc.

At this stage, your husband supports you best by doing all he is doing. As baby grows and gets easier you will naturally take on more of that work and balance will return.

Parenting is a partnership, it evolves and changes as your needs do.

@Crowsaregreat If your DH does food, dishwasher and laundry I wouldn't feel guilty, that's not exactly an overwhelming workload.

Thank you. How I feel exactly. I'm not expecting him to do anymore. He has a sedentary job, most of the time he's in a quiet office doing paperwork, can make endless teas and coffees to suit, go to the loo when he wants and not have to wait until 2 hrs pass as baby has just gone down to sleep on you. It can be so chilled and quiet in his job a lot of the time that it's normal for his team to watch TV / Amazon prime video! But they do get their busy times.

When it's just basic survival housework on full undisturbed sleep that he does, I'm not sure it deserves a pity party from my family. Especially when I'm up in the night and the one doing the majority of the back breaking work like bouncing and rocking baby to sleep all day every day with sweat pouring down my back because its hot or baby is just such a heavy lump! Plus always putting on a happy face to baby when (maybe I am depressed) I would just like to have a good old cry and pity party for me from my family!

This sums it up 😂

Don't feel bad OP. I think a lot of people forget how hard it can be, or like you say just have easy kids.

Working full time and doing housework is hardly slave labour. That's what he'd be doing if he lived on his own.

Both of mine were really hard at different points. My first was a nightmare baby and then quite chilled as a toddler and my second was the easiest baby ever and has just come out the other side of a nightmare stage now at 18 months. Every child is different and nobody knows how much work your baby is except you so don't let comments bother you.

That split sounds very similar to what me and DH had at that age. I’m back at work now and we’re both agree that doing a days work is significantly easier than a day with our baby (she’s lovely just never stops!)
She still loves a contact nap at 13 months and now it’s only at the weekend I love them too as it feels really special… when she was 4 months and wouldn’t sleep any other way in lockdown it felt a lot less special! It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it!
Your DH sounds like he doing his fair share but so are you.