Doing such a bad job

[lavenderandwisteria]

I’m just sad.

I thought I’d do so much better.

I knew the newborn stage would be brutal but somehow it was more brutal than I thought.

Then there was a stage of bad day sleep but okay ish nights and then that reversed and now it’s just bad sleep day and night.

So I’m just knackered and I have no energy to do anything. Can’t sleep anyway. I feel guilty about how much time ds spends strapped in his pram or stuck on his playmat. I read ideas but I can’t be bothered doing them and cleaning up. So just walks walks walks. I’m fed up of walking.

Ds starts nursery next month. It will kill me but he’s better off there than with me.

Everyone else has contented babies who eat and sleep. Not all the time of course.

I know I’ve gone badly wrong but I can’t even work out how or when or where.

How old is ds? Let me tell you my dd was an absolute nightmare until she was about three. She screamed and slept as a baby then tantrumed non stop as soon as she was old enough to. No reason for it that I could ever find, her brother was a joy to look after and I brought them up exactly the same. However, she's a really great young lady now, you would never imagine it was the same child.

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP. You sound really depressed and I identified a lot with some bits you wrote as I felt very similar for the first year of DD1s life. I’m sure your DS is absolutely fine, babies don’t need complicated activities, we all managed fine without them. Our mums never did baby sensory or baby song and sign or any of that bullshit, it’s all just marketing. He will be completely fine going on walks and tottering about at home and nursery and playing and watching you do stuff around the house, it’s how the majority of the worlds population has been raised.

I think you should speak to your GP or health visitor about how you’re feeling. Lots of babies are terrible sleepers, mine was and still is at 2.5. You’re not alone, some people just like to brag about sleep because they go think it’s a reflection on them but it’s not, they just got lucky. What’s the issue with eating?

I don’t think he’s a nightmare, though. I honestly think it’s me. Thanks.

OP you’re not really making any sense. What do you mean “it’s me”? What behaviours or things is he doing that makes you think you’ve done something wrong? Is it just that he doesn’t sleep through the night/is difficult to get him to nap and that he isn’t eating lots of food yet? Or is he generally quite unsettled? And you think it’s because you have done something wrong.

It sounds like you have put a lot of pressure on yourself to have a “good baby” whatever that means and that because he isn’t sleeping through the night/eating big meals/whatever random standard society has set for you, you think you’ve done a bad job or something wrong. You haven’t failed him. Babies are all different and do stuff at their own pace. It’s exhausting and relentless and it’s not all fun and happy, don’t feel guilty about having a shit day sometimes. I was bored out of my mind on maternity leave and happily skipped back to work when baby was 6 months but j love her dearly.

It sounds like you need some support

I think I’ve done something wrong, yes. He is a lovely baby, but he’s getting worse instead of better with regards to sleep, he’s not getting the interactions and the stimulation he should and there’s no sense of a routine anywhere. I’m sorry if you feel I’m not making sense. It’s 5 in the morning and I’ve been awake since half 2.

A baby not sleeping brilliantly doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s just how he is, lots of kids are like this! Hence why I’m also awake at this time, I’m up pretty much every night between 2-5. It’s exhausting and I know how it feels but it will pass eventually and it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Read stuff by Sarah ockwell-smith, it helps to make you realise that you’re not responsible for your child’s sleep. You can do sleep training if you want to and it might help but it also might not. I never had the energy or inclination which is why I am currently holding a 3 month old who will not settle in her cot, with my toddler snuggled up next to my leg because she doesn’t want to go back into her bed. She wakes up every night and comes in with me. It’s not for everyone but it doesn’t mean there’s anything I’ve done wrong.

Have you got any support? A partner who will take a shift during the night? Family nearby who could give you a break?

Is your DS generally well and happy?

Also you don’t have to have a routine, some people like them but they don’t work for everyone and they aren’t a universal part of child rearing across the world. There’s just some pockets of our society that are a bit obsessed with the idea.

Ahh lovely please don’t be so hard on yourself. Babies get stimulation everywhere and walks are brilliant. One of the parenthood things people don’t discuss much is that lots of children get harder, not easier, for a chunk of time…you often get sympathy/empathy at newborn stage then almost forgotten about. I have seven children now ranging from nearly three to adult and I can honestly say I pretty much loathe the 6month-2year stage! Teething can be terrible, frustration in lack of mobility etc, some children are exhausting; loveable but exhausting, especially if you are doing the brunt of it yourself. Nursery is a brilliant idea and remember every day is a new day, maybe try one of your ideas today! One tiny step in feeling prouder of yourself. Also, please talk to your health visitor.

Sarah ockwell smith would thoroughly agree with my assessment of myself as rubbish, I think.

I think he will be better at nursery than me.

Also you can try your play/activity ideas if it makes you feel better but you really don’t need to worry, you can also just sing some songs or read a book or let him play with the cards in your wallet or bang about with some saucepans. He will get just as much from those types of things as a “proper” activity it’s just not as pinterest or instagram friendly! Also it can be so disheartening if you spend ages setting up a beautiful activity for them and then they just aren’t interested or they poke at it for a few seconds then wander off to chew the tv remote.

My mum never did organised activities with us, and certainly not before age 2 or 3 when the most she would do was some baking or she’d let us “help” with some chores or shopping. It’s really not that long since babies were mainly ignored for the first year or so of their lives in this country 😂 as long as they were fed and changed and physically safe. Women often had multiple children and a huge list of tasks to get through each day so there wasn’t the time to be “entertaining” small babies and there were none of the products or toys most of our kids have now. And in many cultures babies just get carried around most of the time while mums get on with jobs and working and they develop just fine.

What your DS really needs is a mum who is happy and healthy so please don’t be hard on yourself and seek some support for how you are feeling zz

SO-S certainly would not think you are rubbish unless you are categorically neglecting or harming your child which it doesn’t sound like you are!

That’s exactly the problem though. I’ve no energy to interact with him. I have books I don’t read, I try to sing songs but dp is wfh so I feel an idiot. So it’s walks and more walks. There is a huge chunk of one of the ockwell Smith books about the trauma done to babies when they are induced and / or born by c section. Guess how ds was born. So I’m fairly sure she would agree I started off on the wrong foot and have continued on that route.

It’s just very hard to sort.

I just want to give you a big hug and a huge cup of tea.

You are perfectly fine as you are. What you described is great parenting and if you are worried and care about your baby in the way you described, then there is no way you are a bad mother.

C sections are fine for the baby. My twins were born via c section and they are fine (now 3.5).

Have you tried talking to someone about how you're feeling? You sound sad.

Nursery is brilliant, both of mine attend and they do things I 100% cant be bothered to do at home , like crafts etc. Doesn't make me a bad mum. They get paid to do it.

Yeah it just does mean I take what ockwell smith says with a huge pinch of salt, I have to.

You stop that right now op! Both my children were born by cs. Ds was a sunny happy baby, and dd was yes, a nightmare. Throw that book away! You are NOT doing anything wrong. All children are different. If it helps, dd is 17 now and laughs her head off when I tell her how she had me nearly tearing my hair out. She's a well balanced generally happy young lady, has endless patience with our animals, loves her family, never loses her temper, and doesn't think i'm a monster at all stop putting yourself down, you're tired, it all looks way worse than it is

I don’t think SO-S thinks babies are actually traumatised by c sections - she is just an advocate for women being given choices and not being pushed into c-sections that may be unnecessary. But if you don’t like her then that’s fine, there’s plenty of other people who also say that babies sleeping “badly” is perfectly normal and not a reflection of parents doing something wrong. I also had two c-sections and don’t think my children have been traumatised by them, and I think the obstetric doctors would agree.

I’m still not sure exactly what it is that you think you’ve done so badly wrong or why you are on the “wrong” route, you’ve said he doesn’t sleep that well but that’s normal and common. It just does sound like you’re very depressed which is also common. I had PND a year after DD1, I was convinced I was failing her, she had a stressful birth, I wanted to breastfeed but couldn’t, she was in hospital for a week, I just found the whole thing totally overwhelming. I felt I was doing everything wrong and should be doing more with her, she had a developmental delay and I blamed myself. I can see in hindsight now that I was depressed and I was doing a fine job. Please get some support, i wish I had got help much sooner.

The book where I read that is in the room where dp is working so I can’t look but she definitely is anti inductions / sections and talks at length at how traumatising it is for the baby, which may explain why ds is so unsettled at night, no idea.

There’s a lot going on. I’m genuinely terrified of working on this little sleep.

I’m worried about ds. I don’t think it’s him, he’s lovely, it’s my parenting of him.

Look, plenty of people have multiple babies, some of which are good sleepers, some of which are bad - I myself had one child who never slept in the day and one who you could pop in the cot and would sleep for an hour. Was I good at parenting one and not the other? The “bad” sleeper got lots of time and attention and activities and the “good” one was a neglected second child so there’s no correlation there! You cannot make a child a good or bad sleeper. Years ago babies were totally expected to fit into the life of the family with no time or inclination to micro manage their daily existence and they all turned out ok. You don’t have as much influence on them as you think!

Thank you

If sleep is that bad then seriously consider sleep training.

I promise you you’re doing better than you think you are, but exhaustion makes everything harder.

I would, but I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no confidence in any techniques and I keep reading different things which are contradictory and confusing. And I’m aware the inconsistency won’t be helping ds.

And your DP should be giving you some time to sleep too. I don’t care if he’s working - he can do the 7 to 11 shift, or the 5 to 9 am one. Sleep isn’t a nice to have - it’s as necessary as food and water.

He does but I can’t sleep.

My baby is 19 weeks and went through several times bad day and night sleeps. It's so hard and you feel under pressure to do things but physically can't. You're doing so well even leaving the house. That's great for baby. What has helped me is knowing the sleeplessness will pass and it has (and then returned but passed again). I also have a set list of things to do with baby and then aim to time some, not all off eg/ read, sing, play mat, dance etc. A friend recommended The Baby Whisperer which really helped with day time naps. It's tough especially when you're tired but my baby now naps three times a day and did not at all before. Sometimes it lapses but it then returns to three naps. I'd also suggest talking to the HV and getting advice. Talking has really helped me and I ignore anyone who has an easy baby- it won't last forever! Take care of yourself and you are doing a great job. Your baby us fed and safe xx

Also, I couldn't sleep but found post natal yoga (free on YouTube) helpful and even lying there and deep breathing is better than nothing