Doing such a bad job

[lavenderandwisteria]

I’m just sad.

I thought I’d do so much better.

I knew the newborn stage would be brutal but somehow it was more brutal than I thought.

Then there was a stage of bad day sleep but okay ish nights and then that reversed and now it’s just bad sleep day and night.

So I’m just knackered and I have no energy to do anything. Can’t sleep anyway. I feel guilty about how much time ds spends strapped in his pram or stuck on his playmat. I read ideas but I can’t be bothered doing them and cleaning up. So just walks walks walks. I’m fed up of walking.

Ds starts nursery next month. It will kill me but he’s better off there than with me.

Everyone else has contented babies who eat and sleep. Not all the time of course.

I know I’ve gone badly wrong but I can’t even work out how or when or where.

Whatever this bloody book is, just chuck it in the bin!!! Right now!!!

No parent is perfect - children survive.

I sometimes talk with my grown up DDs about things that I did or didn't do when they were little - things that have felt bad about. They cannot remember them!!!!

I keep reading different things which are contradictory and confusing - STOP reading the darned things! They are set up for their authors to make money by selling their books.

Lack of sleep is dire - of course you cannot achieve what you have been brainwashed into thinking is perfection! At that stage most of us just muddled through - and muddling through is just fine.

And I was a social worker - so I know what really poor parenting looks like! Good enough is good enough when it comes to parenting. Your baby has not read the blasted book, so does not know that you are supposedly getting it "wrong"!!!

My parenting was vastly less than perfect, but they have turned into lovely people.

Do you have any idea why you can’t sleep? FWIW I’ve found the headspace sleepcasts to really help

@Mischance I know you’re going for a slightly humorous tone but I do think that post was a bit harsh. I genuinely don’t know what ‘damn book’ you mean, unless it was the Sarah ockwell smith one briefly discussed here. Someone told me to read sarah ockwell smith about baby sleep, and I said that I couldn’t read her books, I find them very upsetting.

This is not really about books, but my concerns with 7.5 month old ds, so a long way from a newborn, are his eating and his sleeping. I could go down the route of just not doing anything about either, maybe I should. I honestly have no idea what I’m doing wrong, but I do know I’m doing something wrong, a lot wrong I imagine. And I just thought I’d be better than this, I suppose.

Look, nursery is absolutely fine. Nothing at all wrong with it and lots good. But you also sound desperately unhappy and you do need to be kind to yourself.

And of course I’m not bad parent as in chance ds could be taken away but I do feel I’m not as engaged or interactive with him as I could be. And that worries me with regards to his language and social development.

And Mischance has a point. 7.5 month olds thrive on being terrible sleepers. Adults don’t.

I am unhappy, and worried.

I’m worried about my new job, which I start soon and I need to make a good impression in after a slightly turbulent work history between 2019-now.

I’m worried about not being able to do a good job because of wandering around in a fight of exhaustion.

I’m worried about ds and his sleeping and eating.

I’m upset that I would love to have another baby but if I’m honest with myself it’s a terrible idea.

I’m upset I have lost friendships.

And I’m so, so tired.

I understand the worry about work and wanting to give a good impression. You need to find a way to get some sleep.

But what is it about his sleeping and eating that worries you? Maybe people here can help reassure you. We have already established that babies can be unpredictable sleepers, so you don’t need to worry about that. He will be fine, he will get enough sleep. What’s the issue with eating? At 7 months he mainly needs milk and some faffing around with finger foods and/or purées some of which may or may not make it into his mouth. Milk is the main source of nutrition until 1.

I honestly have no idea what I’m doing wrong, but I do know I’m doing something wrong

If you cannot identify what it is you are doing wrong, what is it that makes you think that you are?

Juts because your child wakes at night, it does not mean you are doing anything wrong. Just because you find it hard to read or sing to your child does not mean he is unhappy.

Do you feed him? Do you cuddle him? Do you go out with him? Do you talk to him?

Is it that you think you must be doing something wrong because you are unhappy? And that if you were doing things “right” then you wouldn’t be unhappy?

That’s how I felt. Other people just seemed so bright and breezy with their babies and I was so unhappy despite loving her more than anything. I had PND. I don’t want to do a mumsnet diagnosis but it sounds like you might do too.

By the way I am sorry you read my post as harsh - I was simply trying to get some perspective here. You are steeped in your anxieties about your parenting and my post was intended to help you realise that these worries are out of proportion.

I got countless things "wrong" as a mother; but they all turned out fine.

We really can only do our best. Lack of sleep is complete torture. It really is. And it can mess with our minds. Your mind is telling you negative things that are not helpful to you. Put it down to lack of sleep and try and ignore those thoughts.

He won’t sleep at night. He constantly wakes up, cries, he never used to do this. I’m not necessarily looking to have him sleep through 7-7 with no wake ups, but I would expect longer stretches, and he has done it in the past so I know he can.

He barely touches solids, doesn’t engage with weaning. And he was weaned slightly earlier than six months (5.5 months) following the advice of the HV. I know food is for fun etc but every other baby of a similar age I know is eating reasonably well.

So I am a bit concerned that I’ve gone wrong.

I've got two, both raised exactly the same way and they are so different.
DC1 - terrible sleeper (6-8 wake ups was a regular occurrence in sleep regressions, I'm still up with him 3/4 nights a week now), model baby at weaning, rolled at 4mo, crawled at 8mo
DC2 - great sleeper, terrible at weaning (generally only eats food if covered in peanut butter), rolled at 6.5mo, currently yelling at the floor like that'll help him learn to crawl (nearly 9mo).

Thing that I've learnt is that babies are going to baby! So much is developmental that all you can do as a parent is give them stuff to try and hope for the best - it's not like with a toddler/preschooler when things do come to down to parenting and how you model your behaviour. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. I'd recommend a chat with your GP, if you're feeling like it's a bit hopeless and struggling to sleep then it does sound like you could do with a bit more support, and there's no shame in that whatsoever.

DS1’s sleep fell apart when he was 6 months old. Went from sleeping 8-6 to waking up every 45 minutes. It. Was. Hell. Nothing wrong with him - he was just super focused on learning to crawl.

You are most definitely not doing a bad job. All you can do is try to get through one day at a time. You've got a few changes coming up which are bound to be making you anxious, returning to work, which has its own stress, and your DS starting nursery. It's no wonder you are anxious and tired, so try to go easier on yourself. Sleep deprivation is truly horrible. Stop reading the books. They are not helping. Sit and think how well you are doing getting through each day.

Ive got two under 4. I understand the wretchedness of sleep deprivation. I know the sleep patterns improve then go through a bad patch what with illness or teething etc. I also have come to realise that as a mum there will always be something to worry about with the kids.

Can you try to find something for yourself to do to help you to relax each evening before bed? Bath ritual? Listen to a podcast, read a magazine?

Try to get rest and sleep while you can. Ask your DH to give you some time by yourself at the weekend.

Have confidence in yourself as your DS's mum. He isn't interested in whether you are reading baby manuals, he just needs love, kisses, cuddles, etc. Trust your own ways. You are doing nothing wrong.

Babies and toddlers refuse food in stages due to various things like teething then before you know it they are back to eating all sorts again, the same with sleep. Most babies do not sleep the magic 7 to 7. They wake and look for comfort from their parents, this is normal. It will even out eventually.

Please also stop worrying about inductions and caesareans. I had a failed induction and an emergency section with my first and a planned section with my second, both are developing fine. They don't sleep all night and some days they don't want to eat everything I give them but I know that might just be today, tomorrow might be different, but yes I definitely can acknowledge it is hard and some days it is very, very hard.

Hope you feel better soon.

Op I couldn't read and not reply. I don't have anything useful to say but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

And as much ad you don't want to hear this right now it won't last forever I promise. I felt exactly the same way as you. Ended up depressed and couldn't really cope. She cried for about 2 years solid it felt never ending. Now I've got a full on but very happy 3 year old who's sleep is much better (albeit in bed with me but you have to pick your battles!)

And I look back at pics of her as a baby and barely remember the bad times. I promise it does get easier.

If you feel like a trip to the GP may benefit you please book an apppintment x

Hi. Just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling like this. Having a baby is really hard and sleep deprivation is a killer.

You may find that in a few months time your friends are willing to be more honest about how difficult the first year has been for them too.

I hope that having a bit of a break from 24/7 parenting with your baby at nursery will help.

It's not always going to be this hard.good luck with work when you start.

The fact that you are concerned about doing things "right" means you are by definition a good mother. Bad mothers simply do not care.

Do not worry about the weaning - and especially do not worry about what other mums' babies are doing. Your baby is not to be compared with others - he is a unique individual who will do things when he is ready. If you start making comparisons now, it will be a burden to you for many years. Other children will do lots of things before yours does and it simply does not matter. E.g One of my children did not speak or read until long after her peers, but she has a degree and a very prestigious Europe-wide job now.

Comparisons just cause pain and worry.

Give him a few jars of bought stuff - fruit, meals etc. Find out which he likes and just gently keep shovelling that down him. He will diversify in his food interests gradually.

Have faith in yourself and don't let the lack of sleep induced mind bending get the better of you. Try and see it for what it is.

I can honestly say that things do gradually improve and you will find your own ways of parenting.

You are all very lovely and sorry for being all emotional. It’s so hard, I do know logically I do interact with him and we go on lots of walks, to baby classes, cuddles and chat. But I’m just feeling so down about it all and it’s stupid, he’s a lovely baby but I wish he’d bloody sleep!

"I wish he'd bloody sleep!"

It's grim isn't it? We have all been there - and lived to tell the tale. Don't give up!

You are not a rubbish parent OP. You’re just viewing your experiences through the lens of sleep deprivation, which is a horrific state that makes everything awful.

My baby is 8 months and we’ve been in a very similar position to you - at 7 months he was still waking endlessly through the night, like nearly every hour.

We’ve had some good successes with Lucy Wolfe’s approach in ‘The Baby Sleep Solution’. I liked it because I didn’t want to leave my baby to cry, and you don’t ever have to do that. My baby now pretty reliably sleeps from 6:30pm to 4:30am which is just indescribably better than how he was 5/6 weeks ago.

I’m a much better parent now. Before, when I was so sleep deprived, I couldn’t do much more than sit and drink coffee while he was on the mat. Now I have so much more time and energy for activities and for interacting with him.

So that would be my advice - try Lucy Wolfe. It took about 4/5 weeks for the improvement to be consolidated, which was longer than the 3 weeks the book suggested would be needed, but it was so worth persevering with. We are a much, much happier family now.

That’s a really lovely message, thank you.

I have heard good things about Lucy Wolfe. Could you possibly briefly talk me through the premise? I do think we need to do something, as I feel like one of the walking dead today and I look like it too!

I totally feel your pain right now and if you are like me then the lack of sleep is at the root of it. When DS doesn't sleep well for a long period, my MH suffers hugely. I go into a worry hole, think I am an awful mother and question everything. Recognising that a lot of those thoughts come from a place of sleep deprivation helped stop them (a little at least).
I echo what @IonaLeg said about Lucy Wolfe. I was actually too tired to start implementing anything when I first read it but it helped me recognise patterns to DS sleep and now his sleep has improved hugely.
You can't be the perfect mum, nobody can. Nobody can entertain a baby 24/7 l. However you are the perfect mum for your baby,your baby isn't worried about how much sensory activities you do or how many songs you sing, they love you and everything you do is amazing in their eyes. Start listening to him and believe in you the way he does.

It sounds like you are going through a lot! Babies are definitely not easy and going through maternity leave in the COVID period hasn't been easy either. I'm not in UK and had to go back to work when DD was 4 months. She's with a childminder full time and she is now 11 months. It felt horrid at first but she genuinely loves it there and it has also given me a bit of balance in terms of other things than mothering. I find I'm a very engaged mother and find it easier to be "present" for DD. Maybe your DS going to nursery will help make a bit more space for you and help to make the time you do have with him seem more manageable. It's easy to be overwhelmed with a baby, especially when they don't sleep.

@lavenderandwisteria

That’s a really lovely message, thank you.

I have heard good things about Lucy Wolfe. Could you possibly briefly talk me through the premise? I do think we need to do something, as I feel like one of the walking dead today and I look like it too!

Of course!

There are two parts to it. The first is sorting your daytime naps to ensure your baby is getting enough (but not too much) daytime sleep. To be honest, I was less invested in this aspect because we already had ok naps. However, if this is an area you want to improve there is lots of advice in the book. It’s not prescriptive about times, but it has really helpful info about recognising your baby’s sleep cues and working out their overall sleep needs.

The second part is helping to get your baby to sleep in a way which helps them stay asleep, or at least sleep without much intervention from you.

It can help to know what’s going on with your baby’s sleep for this.

When your baby is a newborn, their default position once they have fallen asleep is to stay asleep until a biological imperative (hunger, cold, wet, etc) wakes them.

At around 4 months your baby’s sleep matures into the pattern we still have as adults - sleep cycles which move between deep sleep and light sleep / wakefulness. In the periods of light sleep / wakefulness, your baby may wake fully and need resettled. This is a normal part of human sleep - as adults we wake between sleep cycles, but we usually fall back asleep without even realising we have woken.

What makes the difference to your sleep as a parent is whether or not your baby can get themselves back to sleep between cycles, or whether they need help. If they need help every time, you will experience frequent night wakings.

This means that if your baby has sleep associations which require your presence, they will need your help getting to sleep when they wake between cycles. My baby was feeding to sleep every night, so when he woke in the night he needed fed again to go back to sleep. Other associations might be rocking to sleep, cuddling to sleep etc.

The Lucy Wolfe approach helps your baby learn to fall asleep without these associations. She calls the method ‘stay and soothe’ - you stay with your baby until they fall asleep and soothe them if they’re upset (by shushing, cuddling, picking up etc). Over the 3 (or more) weeks it recommends, you gradually reduce the amount of input you have in your baby falling asleep, as they become more independent. If your baby cries or gets upset, you can cuddle and soothe them. In that respect, it’s much gentler than any method that involves leaving them to cry for any time.

When we started it, it took us well over an hour to get our baby to sleep. He took a huge amount of shushing, patting, cuddling etc. Tonight he dropped off in the cot on his own in under 6 minutes. And most times, when he wakes in the night he gets himself back to sleep without needing intervention from us.

This is just my experience, and I appreciate it may be completely to someone else’s. But I was in absolute despair a few weeks ago, near suicidal from sleep deprivation, up every hour of the night, unable to sleep even when I had the opportunity. I am a different person now - so much healthier, happier and more engaged with my baby.

I really hope it works for you if you try it