Stopping before you're done

[SleepingStandingUp]

How do you deal with the decision emotionally to stop having babies before you feel like you're done?

DH and i have been discussing vasectomies vs another decade on the pill but it makes me feel sad.

DS and 6, 2 and 2. I'd be 41 at the youngest before another was born and DH 48. We live in a 3 bed house. I haven't worked for 6 years, we rely on Tax Credit top ups and another one would delay going back even longer. I find 3 a handful and am on a low dose of Setraline.

So why do i feel sad?? And how do i put that saddness away to encourage DH to get snipped?

How old are you now op?

I think it is a sad time for most women when you 'shut up shop' as it were.

I found it sad and that was after having 4, the 4th being a surprise.

Try and think about things more practically, like how much room you would have, your car etc - for me it made things a little bit easier.

... as in knowing it would be a squeeze with any more and the current children may have to make sacrifices for another sibling etc

I'm 40 this year, and def no room for another. 3 bed but one is tiny

It is sad accepting that phase of your life is done. It's ok to be sad and grieve and know the head decision is right AND your emotional response is perfectly ok and understandable too.

I find it really sad. DH is done, I’m not. Admittedly I find my DTs a real handful (3.5) but I find it so sad as each stage goes that that’s it for me, I’ll never experience it again.

Mainly I just try to see the benefits of stopping, and look forward to the future. It’s not always easy and I do feel resentful at times (especially as so much of pregnancy and the first year were a mess with depression for me) but there’s nothing I can do about it unfortunately!

I just one want normal pregnancy and first year. DS ws a poorly poorly baby for 18 months. DTwins came just before Pandemic c2019.. EMCS. Planned CS. I'd like 1, to go over due, ti push it out myself.

I have 4DC they all had to be induced even when I went 17 days over...

What if you had twins again? The pandemic isn't going away fast.

Invest your energy and dealing with being "robbed" of the scenario you envisaged and wanted.

I still wasn't "done" after having 4, I probably would have carried on and on.

What if you had twins again? Literally my biggest fear 😂😂😂😂😂

Having another doesn't guarantee you any of those things though.

I suspect what may actually be missing is something for you to look forward to/do for yourself. If you can find that thing whatever it is (new job/career/study) you might find yourself viewing a potential 4th as inconvenient.

Can totally relate to this. We're done at 3 but I'd love one more. We struggle as it is though managing 3, DS has SEN and can be absolutely exhausting some days, and I've just been offered a job which I'd love.

Not to mention bigger house and car etc.

You have my sympathy OP!! I just try and see the positives, it helps.

It doesn't sound like you have the money, energy or space for another one. Also with benefit cap I don't know you would get any increase in money.

I wanted three but stopped at two for the same reasons. If you can't afford the extra child then it's not really fair on them/rest of family.

The relief with #3 & 4 when the sonographer confirmed only 1!!!

How would it be a normal first year with 3 older siblings? In reality the baby spent her time in the pram, in the playpen, in her cot, in her bouncy seat watching the others.

DC4 just had to slot in - no baby groups as doing pre-school and school run. The laundry pile, used washable nappies.

I really cried when I was sterilised I was heart broken but knew it was right head decision.

I can very much understand how you're feeling. We only have one and because of how my pregnancy went last time we know we can't do it again. My head is 100% sure that is the right decision for our family, for me, DH and DD (age 2). But my heart does ache sometimes. You can be sure stopping is the right thing, but also be sad that that is the case.

I didn't have a choice really. Years of infertility then Ivf to conceive dc1. When we went to have further tests it came back very slim chance of success again and we couldn't put ourselves through that. Dc is 9 now and an amazing child. We are so grateful. We just had to accept it and actually it's turned out amazing. We're a great little family of 3 (plus dog!).

@converseandjeans

It doesn't sound like you have the money, energy or space for another one. Also with benefit cap I don't know you would get any increase in money.

I wanted three but stopped at two for the same reasons. If you can't afford the extra child then it's not really fair on them/rest of family.

Tbf we were stopping at two 😂 twin 2 was a BOGOFF offer

I understand. I would love another baby, but could not do it to the others to have another baby.
It would be 2 years of ignoring my other children and fobbing them off, (that’s even if everything went well) to focus on a new baby that they do not want.
I can’t do it to them.
It’s sad sometimes because I was actually in the labour room, with my last baby on my chest after a very long long labour and a difficult pregnancy, she was about 5 seconds old and I thought ‘I want another one’ but really, I am so so lucky to have what I have.
It’s funny because after my first child I said ‘never again’ and gave everything, all the baby stuff away, and was determined to never have another baby, but I got the hang of it then and didn’t want to stop , but it is the right trying to do.
My kids are nice people, so I am just going to remember that and do the best thing for them.

All the very best with your decision.

I completely understand. I have 3 and I really miss having a little baby around now DC3 is older.
However I can't afford another one, DH has an older child as well and it wouldn't be fair on the others. I feel like I don't have enough time for them as it is. But it's still really hard.

I always wanted a big family. I was planning 4. Then I had a child 🤣 I’m now done at two. I love my kids an extraordinary amount but boy are some days hard work! I keep looking at my far easier 4 year old and thinking, no way I could do it all again for the 3rd time. The sleepless nights, the reflux, the teething, the weaning .. we are now at the toddler tantrum stage and throwing food all over the floor. The only thing keeping me sane is knowing it’s just phases we have to get through & never again 😅

Oh yes the tantrums. They cannot share anything, rhey can only possibly want what the other is.

DS is actually no help, he'd love another baby but hes 6 so gets no vote and hes just hoping I'll have a girl 😂

They offered to sterilise me whenb i had my C Sec but i just couldn't

I hated that feeling of thinking I was expected to be done when I didn't feel ready.

I would never have been happy stopping at 3. I did agree to wait though and got a coil, fell pregnant with our twins less than a year later. Dh was adamant he didn't want more but refused to get the snip, though I wasn't too bothered tbh. Now almost 38wk with our 6th and dh wants to have another after her which is totally new for him (he keeps hoping for a 2nd boy). Now I'm the one torn on if I want another or not, having my 2nd elcs and always wanted to be done by 40 (37 now). We manage in a 3 bed semi, crowded but the plan is to move when dh retires from his current job and gets a lump sum to put toward the cost.

Do you have particularly large bedrooms @Chelyanne? My current stress is how we accomodate the twins once they need single not cot beds, they're in the box atm but it won't accomodate two singles. Big room will just about but not much room left for wardrobes etc

Our bedroom is quite big, they stayed with us until they were 5 in cot-beds. Then moved them in to bunk beds under their big sisters, we moved the girls wardrobe to our room to fit the 2nd bed in and they still have 2 large sets of drawers in there. Our son has the smallest room and a loft bed so drawers fit under that and still allow plenty of floor space for play. Baby will be around the age of out growing the cot-bed we've got her in our room when dh's full service is up.
Seems mad to most packing in so tight but my dad lived in a back to back when he was a kid and he's the eldest of 9.

The age they stop fitting a cot bed is the big issue. I think we'll have to swap the bedrooms at that point and put eldest in a loft bed in the box and them in two singles. Doesn't help they're tall for their age 🙄

sleepingstandingup

I wish I had twins - it runs in my family so thought I might have them.

I think maybe I should have just gone for number 3 and not worried so much. Once they're born you just muddle through don't you?

It took me over 4 years to get pregnant first time so was relatively old at 35 with DD & then 37 with DS. So I would have to move quick to fit a third in.