Two under two tips

[painauchocanot]

I've got a 22 month old and a 4 month old and I feel like I'm drowning. We can't afford childcare for the older at all so I have them all day every day. Toddler is a demon and throws things and hits her little brother all day, baby won't sleep in a safe place like a travel cot so is in a swing or bouncer which are easily accessible to the toddler. I'm so tired by the evenings that we're eating crap and I have no energy to do any housework. Just feel so done, please tell me how to survive!

(And DH already does a lot and works long hours with his job so is just as overworked as me!)

Been there and just coming out the other side now they’re 3 and 2.

Lower your standards of housekeeping.

Priorities should be that everyone is fed, clean and in clean clothes. Forget about ironing and other “busy work” that doesn’t actually benefit anyone.

As long as the house is clean (esp the kitchen and bathroom), don’t worry about general untidiness. Get two large wicker storage baskets that you can chuck all the toys in once the kids are in bed.

A bit of telly isn’t going to rot their brains, often the positives outweigh the negatives when you just need five minutes peace to sort some washing on or get lunch sorted.

Go to bed at 9pm without fail/no faffing on internet/watching one more episode of crap tv etc, clothes that tumble dry in colours that coordinate/can be washed together, engage the toddler in helping with any housework you feel up to so they feel like they have attention and aren’t picking at the baby.

Can you gate the baby off so that they sleep undisturbed by the toddler and you could play with them apart? Most of our sibling rivalry came from wanting attention for themselves and finding poking their sibling was a quick way to get it, finding a positive loop for that “Your are SUCH a good sister letting your brother sleep, NOW we can play together without the baby disturbing us” becomes a win-win.

Get out of the house every day, walk everyone everywhere. Tired toddlers sleep better.

Make a meal plan, do an online grocery shop to arrive on a Friday try to get two dinners from each thing you cook (make and freeze dishes on a Saturday when DH is home to take the kids out) so you only have to throw them in the oven and do veg.

Spend Sunday doing something as a family and try to get a session each where you do something sporty/for yourselves.

Hang in there.

Lower your expectations. On everything.
Go out- the playground, the supermarket, whatever. If you can get then to nap in the pram at the same time that's a bonus.

It gets better but it's also really really shit until it does. Go easy on yourself.

Out out out. Both in a double pushchair so the eldest can't escape. Playground for the toddler to burn off some energy and then a long walk for them to both nap. If you're not in the house it can't get any dirtier

Empty the bin before it needs it. Floor wipes from aldi or wherever to tidy up bits of the kitchen floor or wipe down the bathroom. Do only two 'big' extra jobs a week, at least til you find your feet again. Bedding etc. Get the kids in thr car for nap time. Give them a snack lunch like a banana and their mean meal in the afternoon. Then toast for dinner before bed.

The only way I survived this stage was going out every day, every mornigg we’d go to a toddler group, my eldest would wear himself out and I could access tea and adults. Then I’d get them home for eldests nap and a more chilled afternoon. I hope groups and things like that are starting to again now and you can take advantage of them too

I used to drive to the supermarket at nap time. Id park up and sleep with them. Wander around the shop. Home.

Taking notes, thank you. Recently got my double buggy which has been a lifesaver so must get out and use it more but it's just making the effort to get out of the house. Sadly a lot of the toddler groups are still book in blocks and not really suited for a toddler and baby coming together. Would love it if the church/community ones would open back up for stay and play!

And sadly toddler has just decided to drop her nap. I've been trying for about two months to keep it but it's just not worth the hassle at bedtime if she has one!

Oh and keep telling yourself, if no one else is "I'm doing a fucking amazing job here, this is bastard hard work and no mistake"

I used to take mine to the odd cafe for a cup of tea and a slice of cake and invariably there would be an older woman who would give me a knowing look and tell me what a great job I was doing, so in case Covid has put a bit of a stop to that, know that MN would tell you, we know you are!

Cut yourself some slack - this shit is hard (but it will get better)

@Silverspring has loads of great advice.

I'd only add: prioritise the toddler. It's not like having one where you can do all the precious baby stuff. Make your life easier by thinking of the baby as a highly portable bit part player that comes with you and the toddler. Buy a baby jail and put the baby in it while you take the toddler with you to pee, cook, sort the washing etc but otherwise just do the toddler stuff and hoik the baby around.

When I had one I used to spend hours breast feeding on the settee. When I had two under two I used to breast feed sprog 2 at the same time as feeding me and the toddler real food. It just deescalates all the angst about attention - if the toddler feels they're not losing out to the interloper your life will be easier.

P.s. it doesn't do any developmental harm - but beware that your second might self wean, speak in full sentences and generally close the gap on the older one.

Oh, and if you're at a group, hand the baby off to anyone who will have them - people love babies and it means you can get a few minutes with the toddler. Even places that didn't seem to work for both on paper got easier when you are willing to hand off the baby.

I suppose that was my big learning point of having two - if someone offers to help, accept it.

Okay so:

• buy another baby gate
• get out in the mornings
• give toddler more attention
• give baby to old grannies for cuddles
• survive

God, this is tough isn't it. Whose stupid idea was this?? (mine...)

Slings. One that works for the baby and one that works for the toddler. Just one pram/buggy needed as you can swap between them both. I used to do a day in and a day out. Day out great for working off energy but the promise of a day in after in onsies and something else to distract was tempting. Although I'd often do a 20'minute out if we went stir crazy. When I was bf the littlest and cluster feeding my ex did make me a packed lunch to eat one handed as I fed and read to a toddler. Disclaimer - the only decent thing he did and only because he was shamed into bu a rele.

I had two under two. It’s tough OP I know. Just get through each day, don’t put pressure on yourself to meet up with friends/family at set times. It doesn’t matter if you spend all morning in pj’s. Take any help that’s offered. Good luck OP, the stages go so quickly they really do, even though you don’t see it at the time.

I had two under one. Just get through the day somehow, it gets better.
With the nap I think you have to consider the quality of the afternoon rather than just maintaining bedtime. This is why my nearly 4 year old still naps (as well as the nearly three year old). Basically I trade the later bedtime for tantrum free afternoons.
Could you afford a teenage helper for some hours a week (not to be alone with the kids but just to be another pair of hands)? I spent summers doing that when I was 14 (although I was alone with them but those were different times!)

You can do it! This bit is hard but it’s bloody worthwhile when your two are happily playing together sensibly and friends are running around after their 1 year old again because they had a bigger gap. Also, mine always liked the same stuff growing up (trips/films/clothes etc)

I had 3 under 3 and a bastard husband. Thankfully hes gone and mine are a bit older now. Go to the cafe for your cake. Feed your toddler raisins. That takes them ages to eat.

Mine are now 20 and 19. The first couple of years passed in a fog. But then they became fab playmates. It’s great having them close together. So hard now but it will pay huge dividends.

Obviously I can’t remember how I actually managed anything… except to second the advice to get out, go to playgroups, etc.

Apart from sibling rivalry, does your 22 month old have interesting toys/activities to do?

We just put away a lot of toys, recycled some old ones, bought a few new ones and she is happy again... and we 'displayed' them so she can access them herself ( and yes, disclaimer, only one child in our household...). So not all toys in one big basket... but seperated and in fixed places. And less than we had before. Easy cleaning for us and easy for her to find.

It's so tough with these ages!

Lower your standards across the board is great advice.

Put the baby bouncer in the travel cot so baby will sleep and be safe.

Get out everyday, lots of fresh air and exercise is key.

Give yourself a break. Put the TV on after lunch if nap time is a no go and have a sit down.

I had a 16m gap between my older 2. Getting outside is difficult but omg it's so worth it; do it at every opportunity.

Put baby in a sling and essentially ignore them unless they're crying/need a nappy etc. The world is a sensory experience and they'll see more of it while you're entertaining the toddler. Do groups for the toddler not the baby - the baby couldn't give a

When DH gets in go out on your own for half an hour (or send him out with the kids). You can use it as "you" time or to cook the tea without interruption (which always felt lovely to me). If DH is back too late for the toddler to eat with you keep a portion of dinner for them the next day to reduce cooking time

Everyone told me it would get easier and it does. Mine are 3.5 and nearly 5 now and they pretty much entertain each other. It's handy because now I have DS3 - something I would never had considered when Ds2 was 6m.

I have 16 months between mine, too. They're grown up now (22 and 23 and both about to start to start their first "proper" jobs) so I don't have any better advice than all that you've heard here already, but I just wanted to say that it gets better! After the first terrible 6-9 months it did start to improve and by the time they were 3 and 4 we were already envied by people who'd waited a bit longer for no.2.

Thankfully I don't remember every detail of the difficult bits, but I would echo the advice to get out somewhere every day, even if it's just a walk to the shops in wellies, to take any help that's offered, and to cut yourself as much slack as you can. There will be time to have a tidy house later :)

Loads of great tips on this thread.

A good tip I got along the way was to nurture the relationship between them.
Have the big one "show the baby" their drawing/new jumper/lego creation and say how much the baby likes it.
When old enough, play games like roll a ball between them so they can learn to play together.
Get the big one to choose a song on Alexa for the baby
Animal fridge magnets were amazing in my house. I got the big one to talk through the anima names/noises to the little one. When they got older the biggest would quiz the youngest lol. "Point to the frog!"
Find books that have hidden things in them so toddler can show baby where X is...
Ask big one to decide who is going first and who is going second day for things that don't really matter (eg bath order or putting coats on)
Bit older then yours, my DD drew roads lines on paper and DS followed them with his cars. They both delighted in this. I used to buy rolls of cheap wallpaper lining paper so we never ran out and could make huge creations and then bin them!

You are doing a great job. It's really hard. Hang on in there x

Maybe you know all this but I didn't and it really helped me. Might be a coincidence or just their personalities but my two still play pretty well together now.

I have 18 months between mine. The second is almost one. I’m still in survival mode but not in a bad way 😊

Once the baby got to 6 months, it became much easier (probably because the baby’s reflux improved and the toddler started sleeping through for the first time!). They started eating the same meals and snacks and the baby could sit up. It then got easier every month.

Now, it’s really manageable - most of the time. So no real advice or tips other than to tell you to hang in there. Soon, time will speed up. They’ll play together once the baby can move about. My two get on great now!