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Original poster

Can't leave toddler - please help

27 replies

buttercups88 · 27/07/2021 15:01

I'm attending a close friend's wedding soon. It's a very small event (only 40 guests) and no children allowed. I have an 18 month old son who I'm planning to leave with my mum whilst I go to the wedding. I arrive late Friday afternoon for a dinner and will stay overnight. The ceremony is the next day, after which I'll drive home.

I'm really concerned as DS hates being held or touched by anyone except me. He bursts into tears when left alone with a stranger (and to him my mum is a stranger, they've only met a handful of times as she doesn't live close). We live very rurally so he's not had a lot of exposure to other people.

I'm considering pulling out of the wedding, but don't want to upset my friend - especially as it's such an intimate event. On the other hand I'm really worried about the stress this will cause my son and my mum. What would you do?

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CormoranStrike · 27/07/2021 15:03

I would go to the wedding.

The absolute worst that will happen is your son will have a tearful day. Same as his first day at nursery or school, he might cry.

That’s the worst case. Reality is he will settle shortly and your mum will love it and they will have a chance to bond.

I am sure your mum left you with others at that age - and I bet you can’t remember if you were traumatised or thrilled.

User0ne · 27/07/2021 15:07

It really depends how you feel about it.

Obviously they will both survive and it's unlikely to do lasting damage to your relationship with either of them as long as you're up front with your mum and explain it to Ds in a way he understands.

I probably wouldn't because of the length of time I'd be away but everyone needs a break and I wouldn't be judging you for going.

Original poster

buttercups88 · 27/07/2021 15:07

@CormoranStrike Thank you for the reply. My mum is looking forward to it, although she has the same concerns I do. I'm just so worried that he will inevitably get extremely upset and not stop crying for the whole time I'm away!

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Original poster

buttercups88 · 27/07/2021 15:08

@User0ne That's part of the problem - I don't feel I can explain to DS, as he's too young to understand.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2021 15:11

How soon is soon? How much can you see your Mom between now and then?
It os going to be hard if the only adult he's used to is you but you need some back up so it will def be good to persevere

Seeline · 27/07/2021 15:14

Can your mum come too? All stay nearby, but she can look after him for the evening and while you're at the wedding?

Or is there any way of seeing your mum a few times before she looks after your DS? Lots of Facetime - could she read your DS some stories etc?

Original poster

buttercups88 · 27/07/2021 15:14

There's not time to fit in a visit from my Mum before the wedding sadly. I should have done more, but she works full time, lives a long way away and we're both so busy!

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 27/07/2021 17:16

I would be reluctant to stay away overnight leaving a child who has never been left before with (to him) a stranger.

I would try and do just the ceremony or just the day before.

After this I would really try and do your best to get him used to other people for both yours and his sake.

bloodywhitecat · 27/07/2021 17:21

Could your mum come to you to babysit?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2021 17:22

Is ds dad around? If the wedding is for your friend, would dh/dp stay behind?

I'm all for childfree weddings, but the fact that you refer to your mum as a stranger to ds I'd what would make me think maybe dh would be better placed to stay behind.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 27/07/2021 17:23

By deciding to have a child-free wedding your friend has to be prepared for people to be unable to attend. I would apologize and pull out now. She might not understand now but one day she will that as a parent you have to put your child's needs first.

NakedAttraction · 27/07/2021 17:31

Can she arrive on the Thursday so you have a good day all together before you need to head off?

Honestly I would just go. He’ll probably be fine once you’ve left.

cookiesandcreamm · 27/07/2021 17:34

This is a tough one op.
You deserve the time to enjoy yourself, DC needs to realise there's other people besides you!
But... on the other hand
You more than likely not relax and worry, DC could be stressed aswell as your mum.
But, again,
Once your out of sight your out of mind and it'll be a good experience and time together for your DC and mum.
Young children do tend to calm down a lot after you've left.

Is your mum arriving earlier on Friday? So your there and can calm him etc

Original poster

buttercups88 · 27/07/2021 18:16

My Mum’s arriving the night before, so we will have all of Friday morning and lunchtime together before I set off. What worries me is, how’s she going to manage to put him to bed in the evening? What if he just cries continuously for 24 hours?

In an ideal world I wouldn’t go to the wedding just because I’m so worried about DS, but I absolutely don’t want to let my friend down.

OP posts:

SpacePug · 27/07/2021 18:18

How far away is the wedding? Can you not stay over the Friday night. So do the meal, go home then go back for ceremony? Or miss the Friday and justr do the Saturday if you're really worried

BobbleWobble1 · 27/07/2021 18:36

It's a tricky one and it would be absolutely reasonable to go as everyone does need downtime but I know I wouldn't be able to relax or enjoying myself if I thought DS was going to be that unhappy. I think the overnight would be the deal breaker for me so I'd either go just for the ceremony or just for the meal. If that's not an option I think I'd pull out. Again totally understand child free weddings but people need to understand that guests might not be able to go.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2021 18:45

Will she arrive before ds bedtime on Thursday? If so, do it together

Dancingsmile · 27/07/2021 18:49

It is important to your S to get used to being left , it'll help his social development, learning to interact with others etc or if only in case of an emergency occurs he can be left.
Lots of distraction from your mum , some lovely play and cuddles with her and he'll be fine.
Leave a top you've been wearing all day so he can snuggle your scent.

cookiesandcreamm · 27/07/2021 18:56

It's good she's arriving the day before so that's plenty of time!
Do bedtime together Thursday night.
As scary as it is he does need to get used to other people.

Toolateplanting · 27/07/2021 19:01

He will not cry the whole time! But he will probably have periods of being happy and distracted and having fun, with periods of having a wobble probably around different times and tasks. Mine used to be fine to play but tearful come nap or bed time for example. You can help by leaving a good outline of your routine and all the familiar prompts and stages.
Is your mum fit and able for a broken night and to keep being upbeat and positive with him?

Hercisback · 27/07/2021 19:07

He won't cry for 24 hours solid! He may be a little sad when you go but it will be good for him to learn that other people are fine too.

StCharlotte · 27/07/2021 19:10

My nephew was a whingy little bugger whenever my sister made to leave him with us but as soon as she was gone he was right as rain. You can't put your life on hold forever. He might surprise you

Iworeniceclothesonce · 27/07/2021 19:13

I think you’d be reasonable to pull out, to be honest.

He must have been very young when lockdown happened and that’s obviously going to have some bearing on now.

Nextchapterofmybook · 27/07/2021 19:14

I would go. Yes there will be a few tears but he’ll get over it and get some valuable bonding time with his Gran.

Slimmingstar · 27/07/2021 19:17

I mean this kindly - your son loves you, but he can cope with being looked after by someone else. He 100% won’t cry for 24 hours. Maybe he will for 20 mins max.

I’ve looked after children many times who have never left their mum before and as long as you distract them and are kind and cheerful they soon forget.
If your mum agrees with your ds that he is sad and he should be so, he will take longer to cheer up.
Calmly and firmly tell him you’re going, kiss him and leave promptly.
He’ll be fine.

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