Did you always know that you wanted to be a parent or were you ever on the fence?

[Unsure96]

I’m in my mid 20’s and so is my boyfriend. All my life, I’ve had strong childfree views, mostly because I have a fear of pregnancy (History of eating disorder and losing control of my body, the amount of damage and harm a pregnancy can do) and didn’t like being around babies or young children when I was a young child. I’m a stubborn person though and had only ever really considered this perspective and put no thought into the appeal of parenting.

As I’ve got older, I’ve recently realised that there have been a few children that I’ve liked and the issue I personally have with parenthood may be more to do with the loss of identity that some parents go through, a concern about not having time for my horse and a lack of interest in babies/young children. As well as this, my issues may be more with badly parented children, rather than children themselves.

My boyfriend has very recently told me that he can only see a future with both me and children in it. My previous relationships before him were terrible and he’s the only man I’ve dated who I can genuinely say I love and would do anything for. He has far experience in actually being around and babysitting young children than I have, so I know he doesn’t have a totally naive view of parenting.

Before he told me this, I had been having a few thoughts to myself of how out of everyone I know, if I was to have a child then he’s the only person I could potentially seeing myself wanting, and possibly enjoying this with.

Does it sound like I’m now on the fence as I’m scared of losing him, or could my concerns be valid but possible to work around?

From the age of four I wanted my own children.

Now, at 63, I'd say it's kinder to the child not to bring them into the world. But reproduction is a biological imperative that's hard to resist.

I was absolutely adamant that I didn’t want to get married or have children when I was younger but when I met my now DH that all changed. We now have 3 DC. Couldn’t have even imagined it with any of my previous partners.

And the point I forgot to make was... only have children if you are fully convinced you want to be a parent.

I hate other people's kids and babies. My own DC are lovely though. I wasn't sure I wanted any but when I was 30 we decided it was now or never really so we went for it. Its certainly challenging with DC and my life would be far more about ME if we didn't but I wouldnt send them back.

I always said I didn't want to wake up one day at 50 plus and regret not having a child, but that this alone wasn't a good enough reason to have a child.

Only in my mid 30s did I begin to feel like I actually wanted a child.

We only had one, it just worked out that way. But I know I am a better parent to my child as an only child, than I could have been to 2 or more. She gets what she needs of me and she fits in with other stuff we have going on in our lives. It's a good balance.

Only you know for you, but to some extent it is a step into the unknown.

I was 100% certain I didn't want kids until my mid 20's, to the point where it had caused arguments with exes. Then I gradually came around to the idea of kids, and have absolutely loved being a mum.

Was pretty set on no children until I was about 25. Then thought it would be nice. No burning maternal desire. Had one then was set for 5 years that we would only have one. Then forgot the early years and thought two might be nice. Did it all again. Love both of my children to death. DH and I agree that we wouldn't be without them but had we not had any we would be thoroughly enjoying our freedom and money!

I always wanted kids and knew it would be a dealbreaker for me in any relationship. You're still young though and may find your views change as you get older. You do need to be on the same page as your partner ultimately though.

I was scared as I had an abusive parent and didn't want to repeat the pattern. But I really wanted three little girls for some reason, which I had in the end (and a random boy lol!). No pattern repeating so hopefully cycle broken.

@DoingItMyself

From the age of four I wanted my own children.

Now, at 63, I'd say it's kinder to the child not to bring them into the world. But reproduction is a biological imperative that's hard to resist.

You can't say that it's kinder for someone to have never existed. I've had a lovely life so far, despite childhood poverty and all the usual ups and downs of life. If I could choose I would definitely wish to have been born.

I was like you, due to childhood abuse and other issues I never wanted them. Then I had a year or so of therapy and realised I was just protecting myself from more pain by saying no to children, but I was "cutting my nose off to spite my face" and preventing myself from lots of potential love and happiness. So I had a baby. However, I made damn sure I had enough therapy to sort through my baggage first so I haven't made the same parenting mistakes with my DD. You need to know yourself very well, and only therapy can really help.

I would advise you to read Phillippa Perry's book "The book you wish your parents had read" as it will probably help you to sort through your thoughts.

It's good your DP is being honest and clear about his wants and needs. You need to be clear about yours too, and know what they are.

One last thing - you are right that you do lose your identity so you have to be ready for that. There will be no time for horses for a while. I'm still in the toddler stage so I don't know when it gets easier but friends have said that once they're at school you can start getting bits of your own life back. It is a sacrifice, but they didn't ask to be born, so you owe it to any future children to be fully sorted within yourself, aware and ready.

I've always wanted children.

I always knew I wanted kids, probably from about 6 or 7 years old.

All I ever wanted was to be a mom.
Emotional absent parents though so I know alot of that was wanting someone to love and who would love me.

I never had any fixed ideas as I was growing up, although I guess I always took for granted that I would one day have kids. I do remember a time though when I was in my mid 20s being distinctly against the idea but my views seemed to change magically overnight and I ended up having both dds in my late 20s.

Sometimes I look back and wonder if I was a bit too young but by then I had met dh, we had a family sized house and I was at a crossroads in my career (which I went on to take a different direction in during my mid thirties once the dcs were at school) so I'm happy that things have worked out this way.

If I hadn't met dh I'm not sure I'd have met anyone else I'd have wanted to have children with!

I wasn't sure about having children but leaned more towards not having them for similar reasons to the ones you've mentioned OP. My stance changed when I was 30 and my Mum died. In the first few years following her death something just shifted and I found myself really wanting a child. I'm guessing that losing my Mother made me yearn for a maternal connection, even if it was in reverse and I was the Mother. I now have a three year old daughter and I'm so happy that I changed my mind.

I was not that fussed about kids, never wanted to coo over newborns etc

Late 20s happy accident resulted in DS and 5 years later DD. They are the reason that I breathe. Nothing prepared me for how much I could love.

You can't say that it's kinder for someone to have never existed.

Of course you can!! It’s common bloody sense.

OP I knew from a very young age that I would be a mummy.

I never wanted kids or to get married. Was adamant about this through my teens into early 20s. I'd never had much experience of babies or young children, as I was the youngest in my family, & friends families often didn't have very young siblings.
However I met DH at Uni & we got married mid-20s. Was still very anti-children through to late-20s. Then friends started having children & they weren't awful. We babysat a few times, went out for days with them & enjoyed it.
I started coming round to the idea but other life events got in the way & we both eventually felt ready by our early-30s. DD was born when I was 34.
We knew we wanted second, & DS came along 4 years later. We're done now.
As another PP said - I'm very glad we had children, they're wonderful but also the hardest thing we've ever done. If we hadn't had children our lives would be very different.
So yes, you can change your mind - but it will change your life, your relationships, your job/career prospects & outlook, & you will mostly likely lose yourself for a time, but I found that only lasted about a year after the baby was born. Then you get back to you but a new you.

I've always known I wouldn't have children. I'm nearly 40 and have never wavered. I have thought about it quite hard; it makes sense to revisit these things now and then. I'm very fortunate to have a partner who is on the same page, as it's caused problems in the past. I don't really like children and babies just irritate me (I'm not a coo-er!).

@Dollpiglet

I hate other people's kids and babies. My own DC are lovely though. I wasn't sure I wanted any but when I was 30 we decided it was now or never really so we went for it. Its certainly challenging with DC and my life would be far more about ME if we didn't but I wouldnt send them back.

Blimey hate is a very strong word. Not even dislike...actual hate.

Yours are lovely? Perhaps everyone else hates your children.

That aside every study shows they make you less happy.

I wasn't sure at all, and dh and I decided to not even talk about it until we were 30, and then decided to have one child.

We didn’t particularly want children but weren’t convinced or brave enough to not have any, in case we regretted it once we got to our 40s or older.
Of course, once you’re parents, it’s very hard to imagine any other life.

OP, you are very young and still have lots of fertile years ahead of you. You don’t need to make a decision right now.
Give your feelings time to develop, enjoy the child free time with your partner, perhaps have some counselling about your fear of pregnancy and your history of eating disorder, then review the situation in five years or so.
Many women who were vehemently anti children in their twenties, change their minds as they enter their thirties and hear the oncoming tick of their biological clock.
You may find your feelings firm up (either for or against) with time. Your partner can afford to wait - his fertility is not time limited to the same degree.

I always knew I wanted to be a mum 100%. For me my life wouldn't be complete until I had children.
Luckily my husband felt the same, he knew he wanted to be a dad