Did you always know that you wanted to be a parent or were you ever on the fence?

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I’m in my mid 20’s and so is my boyfriend. All my life, I’ve had strong childfree views, mostly because I have a fear of pregnancy (History of eating disorder and losing control of my body, the amount of damage and harm a pregnancy can do) and didn’t like being around babies or young children when I was a young child. I’m a stubborn person though and had only ever really considered this perspective and put no thought into the appeal of parenting.

As I’ve got older, I’ve recently realised that there have been a few children that I’ve liked and the issue I personally have with parenthood may be more to do with the loss of identity that some parents go through, a concern about not having time for my horse and a lack of interest in babies/young children. As well as this, my issues may be more with badly parented children, rather than children themselves.

My boyfriend has very recently told me that he can only see a future with both me and children in it. My previous relationships before him were terrible and he’s the only man I’ve dated who I can genuinely say I love and would do anything for. He has far experience in actually being around and babysitting young children than I have, so I know he doesn’t have a totally naive view of parenting.

Before he told me this, I had been having a few thoughts to myself of how out of everyone I know, if I was to have a child then he’s the only person I could potentially seeing myself wanting, and possibly enjoying this with.

Does it sound like I’m now on the fence as I’m scared of losing him, or could my concerns be valid but possible to work around?

Hugely on the fence, never broody at all, happily childfree. But when I had an unplanned pregnancy I wanted to give it a go (after a lot of thinking and talking). It’s been alright so far.

What @APurpleSquirrel says is very true.

I've always wanted to be a mum, ever since I held my first baby doll as a toddler!
When I was 10 my surprise sister was born (and then my brother four years later) - it was wonderful, I felt like it suddenly opened up this world of babies and toddlers and young children that I didn't know existed yet. It was lovely sharing that with my mum and it definitely influenced my want to be a parent when I was older.

I'm 25 now and DH and I are expecting our third baby in a couple of months. I'm exhausted but I'm so unbelievably happy.

I never wanted children in my twenties but I think that's because I wasn't with the right person.

I've been with my fiancé 3 years and when I met him I knew there was no way I could deny him being a dad I saw him with his nieces and nephews and it was adorable

I'm currently 34 and sat with my 9 week old and he's bought so much happiness in to our lives as well as sleepless nights and hard work but it's worth it on a side note I've never had so many conversations about poop 💩😂

Honestly when I was pregnant I was still on the fence (I know it was a bit late for that) but as soon as he arrived we had so much love for him and seeing my partner with him also makes me love him so much more 💙

In my early to mid 20s I absolutely did not want children.

Then I changed my mind and had DS aged 31. Then I absolutely did not want a 2nd. I now have 2 DC.

So you may have different ideas in a few years time.

I'm not the mothering sort at all BTW. I love my own children but have no interest in other people's babies.

Nope - never wanted children, bar the occasional ovulation-induced mad moment of fleeting broodiness. I knew I wouldn’t be a naturally good parent.

Got pregnant accidentally and she felt totally ‘there’ right from conception; I never had a moment’s doubt about keeping her (despite the father putting massive pressure on my to abort her). I was right - I’m not a natural parent, and found it pretty hard. She’s in her late teens now and I’m very glad I went ahead with the pregnancy because she’s an awesome young woman.

I've always liked and got on well with DC (yes, even other people's! ) and hoped I would have children of my own in a vague abstract sense in the future, but when I got married to my DH, that galvanised me and I really wanted to have his DC if that makes sense.

@DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping

Nope - never wanted children, bar the occasional ovulation-induced mad moment of fleeting broodiness. I knew I wouldn’t be a naturally good parent.

Got pregnant accidentally and she felt totally ‘there’ right from conception; I never had a moment’s doubt about keeping her (despite the father putting massive pressure on my to abort her). I was right - I’m not a natural parent, and found it pretty hard. She’s in her late teens now and I’m very glad I went ahead with the pregnancy because she’s an awesome young woman.

Really lovely post

I was always a bit on the fence and had some of the same concerns as you (body changing out of control, not having time for myself, etc). Only when I met DH and realised how good a person he would be to have children with, did it start to look like a good idea. Can't explain it, it just started to seem like it could be really fun and lovely to have a child together.

I got around some of the body concerns by opting for an elective CS and (this may sound crazy) looking at inspiration of people who are still into health and fitness after they have a baby. This helped me to see that you are still in control of your body after having a baby, you still have a choice. I also had help from perinatal mental health team during the pregnancy.

After the birth, thanks to having a baby with a good person, I still have time to do the things I love to do (not a horse but similar) as my husband and I support each other to do things we love. Neither of us wanted to give up our identity or doing things we loved that were not baby/family related. So we take it in turns to enjoy time with DC while the other person gets their own time. We have family time too of course! I'm still not that fond of other children but absolutely love mine and also really like the ones I know personally. Hope this helps.

I can really relate to your question OP. I was very against having children until now- like you, I didn’t have the best childhood and upbringing, I don’t enjoy other people’s children, and I feared the damage pregnancy and childbirth would do to my body. Also, I love my husband to death and I was very worried that our relationship would be jeopardised if we brought a child into the mix.

I’m currently pregnant with our first at the age of 38 and the fears and ambivalence are still there. What tipped me into going for it was a few things:

1. I’m scared of my partner dying and nothing of him being left in this world. I know a child isn’t “him” but I feel as though at least it would be some evidence of our love and his influence enduring. (Some people seem to really identify with this reason, while others find it crazy! But it’s the biggest reason for me.)

1. I feel confident that we would make good parents and have a good partnership. The latter in particular feels crucial. Where women are ground down by parenting it often seems to correlate with their partner expecting them to do the majority of the child rearing and housework in my experience. My husband and I have a very equal partnership so I feel confident that it won’t be so overwhelming (in a negative way).

1. I’ve done an absolute ton of research on maintaining my health and physical fitness during pregnancy and after the birth. At the same time, I’m trying to use this as an opportunity to realise that you can’t control everything and some physical changes are not the end of the world. It’s not a lesson I want to learn to be honest, but it feels important for my overall happiness. As one example, my cup size has increased 5 sizes during this pregnancy and I had a total meltdown about it at first. It wasn’t something I could control through diet and exercise, and that made me very unhappy. But I’m feeling much more reconciled to it now.

1. Someone asked me once, “are you playing to win, or are you playing not to lose?”. It wasn’t in reference to having children, but once I thought about it in that way I couldn’t put it out of my mind. Was avoiding being a parent a way of living my life more safely, with more control? If I had children, would it open up more love and joy? Was I not having children primarily because I was afraid vs looking for the opportunity? Only you can answer that question for yourself.

Worth mentioning also that my husband and I agreed that if we couldn’t get pregnant it would be fine, we love our lives and knew we could also find happiness and meaning without children.

Wishing you luck as you ponder this OP!

Also, this post is very helpful in deciding: therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

I'd say you've got loads of time to make your mind up. I'd just be honest and say you can't guarantee you'll want to. Why is he making this an issue at your young ages?

If you've had an eating disorder then some sort of support would be a good idea.

You can't say that it's kinder for someone to have never existed. I've had a lovely life so far, despite childhood poverty and all the usual ups and downs of life. If I could choose I would definitely wish to have been born

Yes I can. My dd has been through a lot - because I was selfish enough to want a child of my own. Perhaps she'd have chosen to be born, even so. I could look at my own life and think, well, perhaps it would have been kinder if my parents hadn't had children.

Until I was about 30 I was absolutely ertain that I didn't want children. At your age, had I been able to be sterilised I almost certainly would have done so.DH wasn't keen on kids either bit probably not as opposed to the idea as me.
But by the time I was about 29/30 a lot of our friends and family had children and we began to consider the udea. Aware tgat I didn't have a lot of time to play with I had my first when I was 31. But I was definitely only having the one, come what may. (We have three!)
I wouldn't rush into a decision. You're still young. Plenty of time to decude and you may or may not feel differently in a few years. But in my experience its not unusual to change your feelings a lot between your early and late 20s.I'd be honest with your boyfriend though - you're young and you're unsure and there's nothing wrong or unusual about that. I'm not particularly interested in lots of other people's children by the way and I don't think that not being keen on kids in general means you won't enjoy having your own.

I've always wanted kids buy always feared how od get on as I really dislike other people's kids! Still do, but now have a 6mo who is amazing. I love watching her grow each day and learn new things.

Hello, I never wanted children, at all.

I’m now 40 and 10 weeks pregnant with my first. Like you my partner said he wasn’t ready to give up on having children so I had to re-examine my feelings about it very seriously. And I had a lot of fears

• loss of self
• financial insecurity (I have a good job but I don’t independently own a property and my deposit on our house was very small)
• damage to my relationship and happiness
• birth itself

In the end it was a big leap of faith. I am sure my partner will an excellent dad and co parent. He is far better at housework and doing things that need to be done than I am, so I’m not worried about the burden of the house and parenting falling to me. I started to see that maybe having a child and being a family would be an adventure we could do together.

We also had conversations about what would happen if we couldn’t have children and he was clear that for him it was about us trying and if it couldn’t happen, that would be a different story.

I also realised that my relationship with my mother as teenager might have impacted on my views on this: she was depressed, described herself as our “drudge” and our “servant”, and on numerous occasions threatened to leave the family because of me. My father was also depressed and their relationship was not good. I didn’t have a model of parenting being a happy activity.

Like @Babydust13 my doubts haven’t just fully disappeared. I know a lot of people say you shouldn’t have a child unless you are 100% sure (including on this thread). I’m hoping that’s wrong! In my view a lot of people have children without giving it much thought at all, it’s something they think they want or is the next obvious step in life, and then some who were sure about it are blindsided by the reality.

Tbh I don’t really understand how, if you give it lots of thought, anyone can be 100% sure! The negatives for women are well researched and quantifiable, whereas the positives are unquantifiable and very hard to be certain of in advance (your love for them, their love for you, enjoying parenting, finding satisfaction in it). I think for everyone it’s a leap of faith, but some are much more aware of it than others. Like jumping off a cliff into the water! Some just throw themselves off it and others dither on the edge for a while :)

I’m also going to have an elcs as the risks involved with that are more acceptable to me than the risks of vaginal birth.

So much of what @CentralLondonPregnant said in her post rings true to me. Especially her point 4.

Which reminds me of an excellent bit of advice/research into human behaviour I read. I’m going summarise extremely badly, but essentially it was that people are actually quite bad at knowing what is going to make them happy when they’re faced with a decision. We think we’re much better at than we are. But research has shown that people have reported higher levels of satisfaction with decisions that provide them with the opportunity to grow. That was really illuminating for me: I might not note what decision will make me happy, but which one will expand my life?

Right I’ve thought dumped enough now :)

@KiwiDramaQueen sounds like you and I are on very similar journeys! Here’s hoping our leaps of faith both work out x

I was always quite on the fence - never keen on babies, enjoyed my life as it was, never felt broody etc... but I did like older children and I didn't want to regret not having any. If I could have put it off for longer I would have, but at nearly 40 it was kind of now or never so dh & I just decided to take the plunge. I was terrified about having a baby, losing myself, getting no sleep, having to cope with a screaming baby etc but actually it's all been great! It helps that my daughter is an easy baby (11 months old now) who feeds and sleeps well, and that my dh is v hands-on and supportive, but I haven't regretted it at all. Also I actually like babies now, which is unexpected! I always thought I'd like my own, but other people's are much more bearable now too