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Original poster

housework who does it in your household? my mum and dad seem to think its all down to the woman

39 replies

pregnantbabyelephant · 26/11/2007 21:11

keep slagging my sister off saying her poor dh has to come home and cook the tea
she has 2 kids and a baby

they seem to think shes lazy and not doing her wifes duties

goodness knows what they say about me i only have one baby and dh cert does his share

how can i get them to lay off my sis?
ive tried tell them that things are more equal these days but our sil reckons she does everything much to mum and dads approval
kind of discrediting us saying thats not the way of the world now

how can i get them to understand ? or do you all do all the chores and we are wrong?

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laura032004 · 26/11/2007 21:17

I keep reminding people that I am a SAHM, not a housewife. I do more housework now than I did when I worked F/T, but that is because I can fit certain jobs in more easily (e.g. washing). However, DH is still expected to do his fair share.

hatwoman · 26/11/2007 21:17

possibly a case of "well in my day I managed to look after the kids, do all the housework, have dinner on the table..." why don;t you have a conversation about what it was like for your mum when she had younger kids, and just thrown in a bit of "poor you, you must have been exhausted" and jokey (well, half-jokey) "Dad really had it made didn;t he" "thank goodness things have changed and the total work load is divided a bit more equally these days". and some hints about the activities and running around afer kids we all do now, as part of being a parent 9esp a sah-one) which didn;t used to be so much a part of life "It's so great that the kids get to go to swimming/toddler group/baby massage"

millie865 · 26/11/2007 21:17

I don't know about wifely duties - I certainly wouldn't be happy with someone who didn't pull their weight at home. Just because your SIL is happy doing it all doesn't mean your sister should have to be. If you feel you need to say something to your parents I'd just say that how your sister and her DH organise their lives is their business and nobody elses and leave it at that.

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Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 26/11/2007 21:49

well ive tried that but they jusy carry on

they say her dh has been at work all day as if shes doing nothing
then he comes home and cooks a meal

they also think men should get srved food 1st ???

OP posts:
SheepishPeachesMcLean · 26/11/2007 22:16

Men get food served first???

TBH I'd get really quite pee'd off with them and say "Can you PLEASE stop criticising sister. her and her husband can work thing out for themselves without you interfering and criticising. Just because you did it one way, doesn't mean they have to do it to. Leave her / him / them alone"

Oooh, sorry, but they sound quite intolerant.

karen999 · 26/11/2007 22:21

I am a SAHM and dp cooks the dinner every night. He enoys it and says it helps him relax after a days work - suits me

Do I feel bad about it? No, because I clear away, do most of the housework, look after the kids and wash and iron. It's nice to be able to share some of the duties and it sets a good example to the kids - especially boys.

hatwoman · 26/11/2007 22:28

oh gawd - if they think men should be served first then there's probably no point in trying to re-educate. You could go the other way and start suggesting that perhaps it would be better if the women ate afterwards, in the kitchen. that apaprently some women think it's ok to have jobs, and their own money...

I don;t know what you can do apart from what other's have suggested - just ask them not to be critical, it's you ds and bil's business and can we change the subject.

hatwoman · 26/11/2007 22:29

hat spots her rogue apostrophe and hopes there are no pedants. it wasn't me. honest.

SantaBeClausImWorthIt · 26/11/2007 22:35

PILs arrived early one weekend, when they were coming to stay.

I was cooking and dh was hoovering. After they had arrived and we'd done the usual greetings they made a phone call back home to say that they had arrived safely, and I overheard my MIL (who is lovely, lovely, lovely, btw) saying "oh we caught M doing the cleaning!" Nothing about catching me cooking, oh no. I was obviously in my rightful place in the kitchen!

We have a cleaner now, who does our ironing as well as the housework, but dh still does all the washing, general tidying up and empties all the bins. He also gets up in the morning and empties the dishwasher, feeds the cats and does the dcs breakfasts. I do all the cooking and the shopping. Fairly equitable split, I think.

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 26/11/2007 22:50

they dont seem to think looking after 2 kids and a baby is more than a fulltime job

they actually think its outrageous for bil to cook a meal

they seem quite sexist to me

herezs another example of a womans place
when they where talking about knowing that sil was going into hospital to have her baby they said they knew something was happening as when they looked in her window they saw a beer can left out, they said thats not like sil
ie to go out leaving a beer can on the side

as its obv her job to clear up after my brother,heaven forbid he should put his own beer can in the rubbish when is wife is about to go into labour
!!!

tlling thm to mind there own business doesnt work
is there any way to make them see sense or are we wasting our time?
dont like the way they slag sis and prob me off

OP posts:
bigwombat · 26/11/2007 23:07

Hmm - well, don't really get me started on this, but I do pretty much everything about the house, plus all the childcare including looking after a severely disabled child and I work 20 hours a week! Wish my life was more like all of you with dh/dps who pull their weight as I am utterly fed up with it. (I have tried discussion, leaving the work for him to do etc but am really getting nowhere).

No I don't think you are wrong, nowadays tasks should be split equally, but in some ways it sounds like they are beyond educating. My Mum is the same about always serving my Dad first, then she would serve us and finally herself, often hopping up mid-meal to serve my Dad seconds. In some older generations, I think these views are severely entrenched.

bigwombat · 26/11/2007 23:09

My Mum now makes a big issue about the fact that in their 70s my Dad now cooks dinner on a Monday - a ready meal which she must serve up!!

EmsMum · 26/11/2007 23:21

My parents set us a great example - when mum returned to teaching (not till the same day I started reception, mind, this being the 60s), Dad took over shopping, laundry (twin tub so did take time) and hoovering. He'd always done garden, bins and the coal/wood fires. I think he did the washing up till we were old enough. My brothers both learned how to cook and iron and still practice these fine arts. Lucky SILs...

Unfortunately, as one can't marry ones own brother I got the less skilled DH. In his family washing up was the only male housework and his exczema precludes him doing that.

branflake81 · 27/11/2007 11:03

OK I might be controversial here but I think if one partner is a SAHM/SAHD and the other works full time, then the one at home should do the lion's share of the housework and cleaning.

Obv if both parties work full time it should be shared out equally.

millie865 · 27/11/2007 12:42

Hi Branflacke - there is a difference between a SAHM/D doing more of the housework and having to do all of it. For me it is about both partners having the same amount of time off.

On the days when I don't do paid work I am busy all day. When DD naps I do quite a lot of the housework and may start preparing supper but if DH came home from work and expected to be able to sit there while I ran around making supper, getting DD to bed, clearing up or whatever it wouldn't be fair. He has been working all day, but so have I.

I have friends who are up half the night cleaning, ironing and generally wearing themselves into the ground after a hard day looking after toddlers and babies. Their partners spend all evening watching TV. Their explanation? Its only fair that they (the women) do it because they are at home all day. But actually its clear that being at home all day doesn't give them any extra time to do all this stuff because otherwise they wouldn't have to be up half the night doing it.

As far as the OP is concerned what you say depends on your parents. Some people you can tell to butt out and they will listen, others have very fixed views and the best thing you can do is support your sister and her husband in their choices.

claraenglish · 27/11/2007 13:04

Message withdrawn

jelliebelly · 27/11/2007 13:16

Surely its down to each couple to agree on what works best for them - it is nobody else's business. If you are really bothered by what pil think then sit them down and explain that their remarks are causing upset and ask them to keep their thoughts to themselves...

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 27/11/2007 13:25

My aunt asked me once if I always had a nice dinner in the oven for when DH got home from work. DH nearly spat his tea out!

I do the majority of the housework, dd does her bit, dh does none. HOWEVER, he does all the cooking and most of the food shopping. It works for us.

bohemianbint · 27/11/2007 13:27

I'm useless, poor DP ends up doing some tidying when he gets in most nights. However, his son is beautiful,clean, happy and learning lots, so that's enough for me.

colditz · 27/11/2007 13:31

I rang exp from my mum's once to ask him to put some fish and oven chips in the oven (he's a chef ffs!) and my mum berated me afterwards, saying "How could you ask him to do dinner when you know he's been at work all day?"

I pointed out that I had been looking after a 6 week old, a 3 year old and done the main shopping on foot with both of them, and that just because she made a skivvy of herself for 25 years did not mean I was about to. She has complained to me all her life that nobody lifts a finger to help her - well, she never asked us too!

She thought about it, and conceded that I had a point.

Amethyst8 · 27/11/2007 14:52

Got really fed up with comments from my DH on this subject. Apparently his Mum looked after four kids and managed to keep a cleaner house than me and always had tea on the table. This being the woman that berated me for picking DS up too much as it would "spoil" him. I now say that I am not surprised she had so much time for cleaning having left all her kids screaming in their cots all day in case they got spoilt.

I work harder now and am more tired than I ever was when working full time. It is never ending. When I worked I finished at 5 and then had a night to myself. This has not happened to me in nearly 5 years now. Wouldnt change it but it p*sses me off when people make comments about housework etc. If you are a hands on Mum then sometimes other things have to slip, especially when kids are tiny. If your BIL doesn t mind why should your parents have anything to say on the matter. Especially with your sis having a baby also. When I had DD I couldnt put her down for more than a minute at a time. I found washing in my laundry basket that had been there for 6 months when she finally became more independant .

bohemianbint · 27/11/2007 16:54

Read "what mothers do especially when it looks like nothing". Will make you feel so much better.

JenT · 27/11/2007 16:59

I don't think there is anything that you can do to change your parents mind... all you can do is be there to listen to your sister if she needs to rant!
I have to say that I feel that being a mummy is part of my job but also keeping ontop of the housework and cooking is my remit. However.. that is my choice - because of my personality if I was being told I had to do it I would be heading in the opposite direction!

I do steer clear though when my Mum asks if I have had a shower and put some makeup on before DH gets home.. makes me want to scream at her but I bite my tongue and just say that he would think I was having an affair if I did that.

You sound like a brilliant sister to be so caring about this.

Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 28/11/2007 08:29

thanks for all the replies

going to see my sister on friday and ill pass on all th great comments on here
i always stick up for her shes a great mum with alot on her plate shes had pnd since her last baby born in march so im even more protective of her
[yes mum and dad think theres also no such thing as pnd ] and that she attention seeking etc and theres nothing wrong with her

its our sil really that always backs up mum n dads outdated views if sil was lik us 2 think mum n dad would realise this is how things are now
the thing with sil is her ds sleeps 3 hours in the day and she only has the one so she get all th jobs done but her ds in now 18 months and usually gets up 3 times at least at night so then sl is knackered and mum n dad have her ds so she can sleep but thats fine as long as the jobs are done

think mum and dad are almost but not totally beyond help

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Original poster
pregnantbabyelephant · 28/11/2007 08:31

also my sister get no help from mum n dad with her 3
but sil gets help every single day with her 1

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