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Original poster

My 11 year old has just told me that when she was 9, my partners 13 year old came into her room and told her to strip off naked

39 replies

Emz2019 · 22/07/2021 15:47

My daughter is 11, Iv been with my partner 5 years almost, he has children from a previous marriage, aged 17, 15 and 12. My daughter told me when they stayed here 2 years ago my partners son who was then 13, went into her bedroom and told her to get naked, she said no but he kept telling her she had too or she would be in trouble so she took off her bottom
Half and he then pulled down his pants and told her to touch him. She said she didn’t touch him and told him to get out and he left. I asked where was I?? She said I was downstairs it was late all the kids were upstairs in bed and the 13 year old snuck into her bedroom. It’s been 2 years and they no longer visit us. What do I do? Would police do much? He was just a child too, would it be extremely stressful having police involved for my child? I don’t know what to do or why she’s only just told me now! She said she didn’t want cause any problems between the child and his father!

OP posts:
Cloudninenine · 22/07/2021 15:56

The police are trained to support child victims of sexual abuse. I would report this in your shoes. He will likely find other victims. And I think your daughter should have the precedent set that you will protect her using the full extent of the law if necessary.

The police can also support you in terms of signposting you to support services for your daughter, who will likely need therapy to move on from this.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this; the stress must be unimaginable.

This will most likely lead to the end of your relationship. You may want to think about how to handle that. I would have a calm and factual conversation with your partner and inform him you’re reporting his son to the police. Ultimately he will have to decide what his position is, but he will likely want to support his son (even if he accepts his wrongdoing, he will likely want to help him through it) and he can’t really do that if he lives with you.

Phiphi123 · 22/07/2021 15:56

You need to tell the police and/or children’s services because it might be that 13yr old has learned this behaviour through his own abuse sadly. Police and social workers might want to speak to your daughter which yes could be stressful but you dont know whether another child somewhere else is experiencing the same inappropriate behaviour from your ex’s child. Your call could prevent another child being put in that situation in the future. What a horrible shock for you though. Lots of hugs xx

ineedaholidaynow · 22/07/2021 15:59

Are you still with the partner? Why do the children no longer visit, have there been other issues?

Needapoodle · 22/07/2021 16:02

You may want to get your thread title amended with a trigger warning.

DinosaurDiana · 22/07/2021 16:02

I would report it, she needs closure on this.
I had two similar things happen to me as a child and I still get flashbacks now as I have never told anyone.

stellaisabella · 22/07/2021 16:05

It doesn't matter if they no longer visit.
It doesn't matter if he was just a child, so was she. A very young one.
Absolutely call the police. Your daughter needs safeguarding and support Thanks

CakeandGo · 22/07/2021 16:08

I would report and get her some support. There’s a chance this isn’t everything that happened, she may be testing your reaction.

Original poster
Emz2019 · 22/07/2021 16:10

They have not visited since before lockdown last March, there was issues with their mother not letting them visit during the lockdown and now they have said they don’t want to visit they are too old. Yes I am still with my partner I haven’t yet told him he is still at work. We have a 3 year old together and are due to get married. This is such an awful shock and can’t believe my daughter has bottles this up for 2 years

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD · 22/07/2021 16:14

I would call the Nspcc and ask for advice. Tell them everything.

JungleBeats · 22/07/2021 16:15

You need to go to the police. Your 11 Yr old needs to know you believe her and that that however difficult it is things like this need to be reported to the police.

I can only imagine how awful this will be for you and her.

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 22/07/2021 16:16

OP, this will is really difficult for your daughter and you, but it is very good that she has told you and within this time frame. She will hurt less in the future because some people don't tell until decades later if at all.
My mum molested me and I'm only starting to tell people in my mid 30s.
When I say this, I am not invalidating what you are going through, I'm just saying she has a much higher chance of recovery.
The fact that she has told you makes me think that you listen and that she trusts you. Good luck xxxx

Griefmonster · 22/07/2021 16:18

Please accept @Emz2019 the delay in your daughter telling you. It is not uncommon at all. Let that go and praise her for telling you now. Lots of hugs and love

I think I would be tempted to speak to social services first. So you have support there from the outset. Or perhaps NSPCC? They can then help with how to approach your partner and support your daughter with any reporting, interviewing etc.

It is highly unlikely to come to any criminal proceedings if that is the extent of the abuse. although that doesn't mean no crime was committed. But I would really doubt it would be for example a court case. But it does fundamentally alter your relationships with partner, your step son and his mother.

None of that means you shouldn't take action. You must.

TeeBee · 22/07/2021 16:20

What a brave girl. Make sure you action it so she knows she can always come to you with difficult things. Its important that your partner knows so that he can deal/support his child accordingly. It may also affect whether you both decide to get married. She shouldn't have to see that boy if she doesn't want to.

Farwest · 22/07/2021 16:21

Believe her. Just that, at first. I can tell that you do - but just keep reassuring her that none of it was her fault, and keeping it to herself was completely understandable and a really common reaction. Sympathise with how scared and confused she must have been. Thank her for telling you now. Let her know that if there is any more to the story, she can tell you anything, anytime.

For now, don't let anyone ask her why she waited. Don't let anyone question her account.

What a brave girl to tell you about this!

Ijustreallywantacat · 22/07/2021 16:24

I think it's very important for your daughter that you show her you will support and protect her. Please inform the police. It could also be that he was or is the victim of sexual abuse, was acting it out, and that he'll need help too. Very common.

Micemakingclothes · 22/07/2021 16:34

You believe her.
You get her counseling.
You strongly consider reporting to the police, though I do understand your hesitation there. It is probably your best way to access services for both your child and her abuser (who may have been abused himself, but regardless is going to need better guidance)

Most importantly, you take steps to make sure she never has to see this person again in any setting even if that means not seeing your partner ever again. You can’t take the status quo as enough. Would they be at the wedding? What if the mother dies and he suddenly had full custody? What about your shared 3yo’s university graduation celebration party?

Original poster
Emz2019 · 22/07/2021 17:07

My daughter was in tears telling me and made me promise never to tell anyone I was actually driving at the time she told me and was trying to take this all in while driving. We pulled over and talked and she was worried about telling me but doesn’t want anyone else to know and begged me not to tell the police and she thinks she will get wrong I told her she hasn’t done anything at all wrong and she worried that they wouldn’t believe her I said of course they would why wouldn’t they? She said the boy and his mam will say this and that I said they can say what they like but the only accounts are yours are his as nobody else was in the room at that time. I do worry though and I would have to tell her my plans and talk to into the police or else she would never trust me again if I just called them without talking this over with her first my head is such a mess about it all. We simply don’t see his kid’s and they would never be at any party. They say they hate their baby brother (mine & partners child) there is no reason to see them at all, there has been a lot of solicitors involved and court hearings over my partner seeing his kids but they just caused bother when they did come and the oldest one of them squirted shaving foam all over the bathroom and said she didn’t want to come back as her dad was too busy with his baby, so that was the last time we seen her, the other 2 did come a few more times but there was other issues, then the lockdown happened and we haven’t seen them since that and they have since said they don’t want to see their dad again or come here back, perhaps the boy knows he did wrong? I don’t know my head is all a mess and my daughter is at her gym and swimming class she won’t be back until 8:30 but I don’t want to do anything behind her back or else she would never trust me again I feel so sad for her that she’s had this inside of her all this time and never felt she could talk to me

OP posts:
littleducks · 22/07/2021 17:33

Oh goodness how difficult a conversation to try and take in while driving. From now on don't nashe any promises about secrecy, you can set you need to tell someone to protect get as it was wrong.

I wouldn't mention to your partner yet as he may say something to his son.

Can you contact social services? If you Google your area and duty SW you should get a number to call. Might feel less scary than police and they will be experienced and can work with the police as needed

RunningFromInsanity · 22/07/2021 17:34

I would say from that incident and their other behaviour that they/he may well be a victim themselves.

Does their mum have a new partner?

However, and you won’t want to hear this, I find it interesting that at least one of them is showing signs of childhood sexual abuse, and now they no longer want involvement with their father…

Farwest · 22/07/2021 17:35

You really do not need to go rushing off to inform the police. Two years have already passed. You just found this out. Give yourself a moment to absorb this and think it through.

That's brilliant that you intend to involve her in any decision made - I think that's so important. Her well-being must come first and foremost.

Micemakingclothes · 22/07/2021 17:50

You don’t have to rush to the police. You do have to make sure she is protected and I do think that includes being careful about her ties to your partner.

Megasausagehead · 22/07/2021 17:51

What an amazing, brave daughter you have.

She came to you because she trusts you.

This happened to me regularly as a child. My brother did it. I have never told a single person IRL. I have always been so confused and ashamed for not telling. What would I have wanted?

I would have wanted my mum to care. To hold me, to love me, to protect me from it ever happening again. To value and support me and respect my choices. What I wouldn't want, would be for my mum to force me to make this public knowledge. Force family resentments and chaos. She will be worried that DSS will end up coming back if DP is arguing for custody. She wants to know that you won't let that happen. That she is safe and you have her back. Get her some counselling.

I am a huge advocate for going to the police as an adult. But I cannot pretend that this will be easy on her. As a victim, other than the abuse itself, being accused of being a liar, or having nothing happen when you report it, are horrendous things to cope with.

My recommendation is to talk to her and agree next moves. Guide her, but please don't force her or betray her. Get her support and keep her safe, talk to her about her options. Respect her.

SarahDarah · 22/07/2021 17:56

@Emz2019

Your poor daughter, must have taken real guts to tell you Flowers

Make clear that you believe her and that she didn't do.anything wrong.

A 13 year old knows full well what he's doing. You MUST report him ASAP to police and SS as other innocent children will be at risk from this boy - both now and when this teen is an adult. If his other siblings are younger it's likely he's also abused them too and this could be the breakthrough that gets them help.

His behaviour is the typical beginning of pedophilia and you need to do what's in your power to help.stop potential future children suffering sexual abuse who cannot speak for themselves. SS may also be able.to help.him the teen, and address his behaviour.

You should also alert his dad. He can do what he wants with that info but he can never say that he didn't know.

Wearywithteens · 22/07/2021 17:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Jailbreak42 · 22/07/2021 17:59

Just be mindful that if you do go to other agencies for advice, they will have a duty of care to notify the police. Even if you don't want to.

I would have a chat with your daughter when she is home. As a minimum, you need to tell your partner. Because you need to protect your daughter from being left with this boy again.

There is no right or wrong answer on what to do. The best thing is to be led by your daughter and support her.