My 11 year old has just told me that when she was 9, my partners 13 year old came into her room and told her to strip off naked

[Emz2019]

My daughter is 11, Iv been with my partner 5 years almost, he has children from a previous marriage, aged 17, 15 and 12. My daughter told me when they stayed here 2 years ago my partners son who was then 13, went into her bedroom and told her to get naked, she said no but he kept telling her she had too or she would be in trouble so she took off her bottom
Half and he then pulled down his pants and told her to touch him. She said she didn’t touch him and told him to get out and he left. I asked where was I?? She said I was downstairs it was late all the kids were upstairs in bed and the 13 year old snuck into her bedroom. It’s been 2 years and they no longer visit us. What do I do? Would police do much? He was just a child too, would it be extremely stressful having police involved for my child? I don’t know what to do or why she’s only just told me now! She said she didn’t want cause any problems between the child and his father!

Also it's completely normal that people who've experienced sexual.abuse keep it secret. What matters now is your reaction OP. You must show her that you're on her side and won't prioritise your boyfriend or his kids, including the abuser, above her otherwise it'll be a huge betrayal to her. I don't see how your relationship with your boyfriend can continue after this revelation that his son has done this to your child.

You must tell the police at some point but doesn't have to be immediately. You do need to show your daughter that you believe and support her. It sounds like the boy might be a victim too. Good luck x

Listen to her and what she wants. Reassure her that she did nothing wrong.

Do not be in a hurry to rush to the police. Talk to the NSPCC first, they know the best way to go.

What if he has access to other younger children and is still at it? This is the reason authorities need to be told now. He could be doing terrible damage to some other child as we speak. God forbid but you don't know that he isn't.

@AdelindSchade

What if he has access to other younger children and is still at it? This is the reason authorities need to be told now. He could be doing terrible damage to some other child as we speak. God forbid but you don't know that he isn't.

I'm sorry, but this is not her DD's fault or responsibility.

When I have reported abuse and rape, the police explained to me in great detail that this cannot be your sole reason for proceeding. You need to be strong to get through this process and the success rate is dismal.

Protect your DD. Provide information and options. Provide support.

You've got a brave little lady there. Bless her, it's awful, I'm so sorry.

You need to keep talking with her, I don't think you should go to the police if after talking, she really doesn't want you to. I think you should encourage her to let you report it. You need to tell your dp regardless. And she needs to know you've told him I think.

Don't tell her this, wouldn't want to guilt her into anything, but it could help others in the future if he does it again and somethings already been reported.

I understand what you are saying.

OP I am sorry this has happened it's an awful situation to be in.

Thank you everyone I still have not had a chance to talk to her yet. But as people say there is no rush to report and I do need to talk to her first and agree a plan with her or else she would never tell me anything again I’m certain of that. She seams ok in herself but I do suppose it’s been 2 years and perhaps at the time she didn’t understand how wrong it was, but now she’s almost 12 she knows a lot more after learning about sex ed in school. I’m very worried in whihc way to turn and which way to go and the outcome of this. I do know that the boys mother has had a set of boy and girl twins who should be around 9 months old now which he of course lives with. I know for their sake I should report this but I need to talk to
My daughter and make a plan with her about this but as someone said earlier police
Told them it’s one word against the other which is exactly what it is and I feel it would cause a significant amount of distress for my child to have to tell people this for nothing to ever happen anyways as the boy may well say I don’t know what she’s talking about and my daughter I imagine would feel so degraded by it all and I just don’t know what to do for the best

I really would advise talking to the NSPCC they are experts in it, we had something similar happen to a family member and they were very helpful

Of course you report it. Your DD isn’t old enough to make that call. She’s likely hoping you take the decision out of her hands.

Then you ensure the safety of your DD and your little one. If I were you, the wedding would be off too. There are some things you just can’t unknow and I would never forgive.

@Foolsrule

Of course you report it. Your DD isn’t old enough to make that call. She’s likely hoping you take the decision out of her hands.

Then you ensure the safety of your DD and your little one. If I were you, the wedding would be off too. There are some things you just can’t unknow and I would never forgive.

The DD is at the centre of this and the OP is right to make her the priority. An 11 year old isn't responsible for protecting other children. I can't see the police being able to do anything, there is no evidence and it is her word against his.

OP if it was me I'd do an anonymous call to social services about inappropriate behaviour and let them deal with it and then I'd concentrate on my DD.

Yes, slow it down and tell your daughter you are really sorry she went through that and really glad she told you now - that she might still have feelings about it she needs to work through (it was not her fault and she dealt with it really well). Also tell her that adults need to safeguard children and for that reason you might need to take advice because although he can't harm her any more he might harm someone else, or his behaviour might be the sign of something happening to him. You will speak to social care and follow their advice but she doesn't have to say anything if she doesn't want to - they might ask her for a statement but it's up to her what she says, she's not on trial. You would advise her to tell them what she told you, and that it's safe for her to do so, but if she doesn't feel ready or able you understand. It is highly likely that the boy has been a victim too, I'm sorry, I know that's not necessarily your concern right now (except in so far as it concerns or involves your partner, which I sincerely hope it doesn't, but be a sceptic until things become clearer to protect your daughter). Also, be aware that victims sometimes confide one thing to see whether adults will believe them and act. Once you act you might find there's more that she has experienced, or a different perpetrator. Sometimes the first disclosure is not the whole thing. Just be aware. But don't dig.

I understand this must be so hard.

I think in your situation, my priorities would be as follows:

1. make sure my daughter understands that I believe her, and that I won't do anything without consulting her first (this doesn't mean that she gets final say on how we proceed)

2. tell my partner, and make it clear that my daughters well being is the focus of all my decision making, despite knowing that this will be hard for him

3. take advice from the NSPCC on what to do with the information.

@GoWalkabout great advice ❤️