3 year old hitting, I have tried everything...

[Helpamummy]

Really struggling with my 3 year old hitting. For context since birth he has been the most relaxed and easy child. We barely got any tantrums when he was 2. Since he turned 3 it's been a bit more challenging and lately I am just so out of my depth. he only ever hits his dad and I, no issues at nursery at all, he's super happy, has lots of friends, gives the teachers lots of cuddles...
There are occasional one-off hits with us if we say something that upsets him but he usually says sorry straightaway as he realises what he has done. I guess his impulse control is immature so I don't mind those as much.
But lately his tantrums have turned into full on rage where he will just step towards us and hit us repeatedly, again and again. If we move away he will follow us and hit again. He will often go bright red with rage and also scream things like "go away" or "I don't like you, you're not my friend" and often say we are naughty and have hurt him (we haven't).
What's the best way to deal with this? When we ignore, he gets more mad, but when I respond calmly he also gets even more mad.. he'll often scream for me so it's like he needs my help to deal with his emotions but îf I get near him he'll hit or throw something at me.
It's just awful, I don't know what to do anymore, I want my lovely boy back and feel like a failure as clearly it must be my fault... this week we've pretty much had one of those every day, the week before that he was an angel and we didn't have a single one. There seems to be no logic...

Following with interest. Sorry I don’t have much to add here, I wonder how nursery school workers deal with this?

I have got advice on this! But I need to be alone to concentrate so I’ll come beck to this.

At 3, if they have good communication then I think it’s time for naughty step or in your room. It was pointless doing this when my little one was 2 but by 3 she understood it was a punishment. 2 mins on the step and it really bad then in her room for 5.

For me, I gave it too much attention as I was so upset and frustrated on the inside. If I could go back I'd block it, pay it very little attention while giving lots of love and affection in general. She may be seeing a big reaction and it's acting as a reinforcement. So block with hand 'Gentle hands' and move on.. Not allowing but not overly invested either. Also worth noticing is she looking for some connection, play etc? If so try to get that in first so her need is met before the acting out behaviour happens.

Sorry I see it's he rather than she!

Also plenty of acknowledgement 'You're really annoyed because XYZ' and 'I'm not going to let you hit me.' Wait it out. Remind yourself feelings coming out is a good thing, he's just immature in terms of how to express it, your words when he's calm can help - 'Wow you were really angry because xyz. It's hard to feel like that.' after the storm. During it, he cannot hear or reason so regulate is step one.

A firm “you know you are not allowed to hurt people” then place him in his room, door shut until he calms down. No long conversations / argument/ explanations. Do not engage. You don’t have to put yourselves away as you are not hurting anyone, he is the one that needs to go somewhere to calm down. You can check on him after a few minutes and ask if he’s ready for a cuddle.
He needs to learn that whilst we all get the rage sometimes we can’t physically hurt people, and we all need to learn to go away and calm down.

Ignore ignore ignore

Walk away. Brush his hands away when he hits. Let him follow you around screaming and hitting. Don't engage other than to bat hands away.

He will soon learn he is only fighting with himself

I personally would disagree with putting him in his room/on his own while obviously struggling with feelings, he needs an adult to coregulate. Otherwise he's hearing 'anger is wrong, I don't want to see it and I won't help you with it.'

Thank you all! We did try the naughty step as we wanted him to know actions have consequences but it seems to make things so much worse. Same if we put him in his room, he'll slam doors, throw things in there, hurt himself, then scream at the top of his voice for me and I get so worried that the neighbours might think we're torturing him or something!!!
In terms of preventing the tantrums I don't think we can do much. We have a great bond and he gets plenty of attention and they just come out of nowhere.
I think not allowing but not engaging is a good one, a problem is that we get too invested and we try too many different things trying to make it stop which probably leaves him even more wound up. It's so difficult not to feel upsetand frustrated as well when your baby is lashing out hitting/scratching/pulling your hair like it's a perfectly normal thing to do!
When the storm has passed though he does seem very sorry and shows a lot of empathy so hopefully there is hope yet.
Just seeing the responses and noone hinting that it is not normal and that he is a bad child is super reassuring in itself to be honest. I think it will make the next episode easier to handle so thank you for that.

Yes that's exactly what I found, he can see your investment and that it gets you riled up! Definitely downplay it so OP and show you're not bothered, while not allowing (tricky I know!) . Best of luck.

Try and pinpoint the cause. They may seem random, but they won't be. Something must be triggering them. It could be the hot weather maybe? Lack of sleep? Coming down with something? Hungry/Thirsty? Maybe it's been a busy week? Or a quiet week? Keep an eye on things and see what the difference is between a good week/bad week.

When he's having a tantrum, just ignore. Move away, prevent him from hurting you but don't give it any attention.

When he's calm, talk to him about big feelings and healthy ways to express them. Talk to him about taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Screaming into a pillow. Bashing a pillow. You could also Google calm down jars and make one of those. You could try doing a mindfulness app with him.

Ultimately, he will grow out of it as his emotional regulation matures.

@HeyGirlHeyBoy

I personally would disagree with putting him in his room/on his own while obviously struggling with feelings, he needs an adult to coregulate. Otherwise he's hearing 'anger is wrong, I don't want to see it and I won't help you with it.'

Actually the way I look at it is anger is fine, but we dont get to inflict our out of control emotions on other people - especially physically! We can have any emotions we like but we have to learn strategies to cope with them. I always said to my DC (if their anger was getting out of control) "I hear you are angry but you need a little time by yourself to calm down".

I would do a mix of it all, put in the room to calm down, if he screams blue murder ignore until calm then go back and talk about feelings. Be consistent- if hits when out leave! Even if leaving a play date, send a message that it won’t be tolerated.

And I agree with you MissyB1 but a 3yo will only see that he is sent away in that moment, the rational thinking is just not there, so it doesn't feel like it's OK to be angry at all as Mum sends me away from her iyswim.

Anyway I know many will disagree with me on it, a prominent Irish child psychologist calls time out 'an emotional slap', but op has tried it and it only escalates so seems it's not for her ds. In a way I applaud him making it very clear he cannot do it alone and needs help!

It’s all very well trying to not get riled and ignore, but say your child hits another child at a play date what would you do?

You keep the same formula each time. ACT is a handy acronym-acknowledge 'You really want the toy John has' - communicate-'John is not for hitting' - target- 'There are other toys there to choose' If it continues, home you go, having warned of same.

@MissyB1

A firm “you know you are not allowed to hurt people” then place him in his room, door shut until he calms down. No long conversations / argument/ explanations. Do not engage. You don’t have to put yourselves away as you are not hurting anyone, he is the one that needs to go somewhere to calm down. You can check on him after a few minutes and ask if he’s ready for a cuddle. He needs to learn that whilst we all get the rage sometimes we can’t physically hurt people, and we all need to learn to go away and calm down.

Yes this. He's a child, not an adult, they don't listen to verbal reasoning the way adults do. That's the whole reason why they need a parent!

You need to step up and be much more firm OP otherwise you'll end up with a child reinforced bad behaviours.

A firm “you know you are not allowed to hurt people” then place him in his room, door shut until he calms down. No long conversations / argument/ explanations. Do not engage. You don’t have to put yourselves away as you are not hurting anyone, he is the one that needs to go somewhere to calm down. You can check on him after a few minutes and ask if he’s ready for a cuddle.
He needs to learn that whilst we all get the rage sometimes we can’t physically hurt people, and we all need to learn to go away and calm down

I agree, perfectly put.

Mine does this and we put her in the step every time with a firm “you do not hurt people”

I think removing and explaining goes hand in hand, there are consequences to actions. Now my LO is 4 she’s very quick to say “sorry” when in trouble, I now say “that’s fine and it’s accepted, however you still can’t play with that toy/ have to go on the step, spend 2 mins in your room” (whatever it may be)

I'm not sure I have any particular words of wisdom here, but I wanted to send some sympathy at least. My daughter is a little younger than yours (2.5) but they sound very similar, from the affectionate and happy to the furious tantrums.

We've also tried Time Out and it also made things much worse. The tantrum would become about trying to make her stay in one spot and she'd become hysterical - totally counter productive. Now, if she is having a tantrum (which often includes hitting and kicking) I will take her to her bedroom and say "I can see that you're very angry/frustrated/upset so we're going to a quiet space to calm down" and passively sit with her until she stops. If she tries to hit or kick, I firmly tell her "no, I will not let you hurt me" and gently move her away. Once she's calmed down, I'll tell her that shouting, screaming and kicking is not acceptable and she will say sorry.

She has a pretty decent understanding of things and communicates well, but I try to keep it very easy for her. I have friends who try to explain and rationalise behaviour to their tantrumming toddler and it just seems like a total waste of energy to me. They have a very limited capacity to understand consequences at this age.

I read somewhere recently that when your child is pushing your boundaries and your buttons and having meltdowns, it's really easy to blame yourself and assume that you must be doing something wrong. But this is a normal developmental stage and you'll only see the benefits of your patience, firm boundaries and empathy after they're past the toddler tantrum stage.

Hang on in there. My daughter has reduced me to (private) tears on several occasions, so I really do understand how crushing and frustrating it feels.

Op can I ask if things have improved? And if so what helped? I’m in the same exact boat and really struggling.

@Summerreign I was wondering why I got notified that there was a response on this thread and then realised I was the OP! My son has not displayed this behaviour for so long I forgot it even happened and that it was bad enough to post.

So I'm pleased to report that it did improve and will pass!

In terms of how we handled it, pretty much what @MissyB1 said, and "don't allow, don't engage".

We just explained it's OK to be angry but never OK to hit, and that he can stay in his room to calm down.

He went from throwing things and screaming in there, to eventually just going in there 5 mins, calming himself down with a book or teddy and no drama aswe weren't raising to it. He now never tantrums or hits or anything, in fact it really takes a lot for him to be anything other than lovely these days!

It will be OK, good luck!!