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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

My son keeps talking about his daddy but he hasn’t seen him for 4 years

35 replies

MamaOl93 · 19/07/2021 22:01

My son is 4, last saw his dad when he was 3 months old. Keeps talking or making things for his “daddy” which I get is probably from him hearing his friends talk about their dads.

I received his dads phone number today after asking my son’s grandad for it, the dad agreed I could have it. However I’m completely at a loss as to whether I should even message him now?

He’s not on the birth certificate and I’m terrified that if he eventually gets on it, he’ll take my son and I won’t be able to do anything about it.

OP posts:

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/07/2021 22:16

He’s shown no interest in 4 years I wouldn’t go down that road as I couldn’t imagine him being reliable. I’d focus on your sons feelings and confusion over his “dad” instead.

FortunesFave · 19/07/2021 22:23

Is he a decent man? Why has he not been involved at all?

Pud26 · 19/07/2021 22:25

Has your son been around other children with 'dads'

I work with young children and often see children who don't have a parent or don't see them or other things for various reasons. If they are around other children or playing mum's and dad's they often start asking for said parent or grandparent they don't see.

With your son being 4 I would have a little chat about how everyone is different some children have 1 mum/dad some have 2 some have same sex parents but that's ok because that's what makes us all different.

If your son's dad hasn't been in the picture for 4 years I wouldn't bring him into it unless it was something you and him both wanted. It opens a whole other level of confusement for your son and yourself

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JanFebAnyMonth · 19/07/2021 22:26

He’s not proved a brilliant dad so far - and you sound a bit nervous of him, possibly because of things he’s said or done when you were together. I wouldn’t rush to contact him.

You’re obviously still in touch with his family though?

Original poster

MamaOl93 · 19/07/2021 22:46

@FortunesFave he just hasn’t, that’s my honest answer. He just didn’t care enough. Which I know how it sounds, I don’t want him involved either. But it’s just cause my son is talking about dads (I know him being around other kids has influenced him) I just can’t help but wonder what to do if my son wants that?

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Original poster

MamaOl93 · 19/07/2021 22:46

@JanFebAnyMonth yes always been in touch with his family

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Original poster

MamaOl93 · 19/07/2021 22:47

@Pud26 @OnlyFoolsnMothers I agree!!

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alexdgr8 · 19/07/2021 22:50

why dont you want the father involved.
surely its your son's right to know his father unless there is a strong reason not to, eg abusive.
it's good youre in touch with the grandfather. how does your son get on with him.
could the child's father come to GF's house and see his son there.

Honeybeebloom · 19/07/2021 23:12

I think that all children should have a relationship with both parents, unless there is a real reason as to why a relationship or contact would be detrimental to the child/children. I teach children with behavioural issues and run nurture groups, the number of children who I work with who have a parent who they don't see and want to is really sad. Some of these children don't see a parent for good reason, but often it's just come down to the resident parent not wanting the other to be involved or the non-resident parent not really making an effort or bothering their arse. It really has an impact on the children, their self-esteem and sense of self/identity.
If it's at all possible to forge a relationship between your son and his dad then I would absolutely try to do so (in a very careful and gradual way).

megletthesecond · 19/07/2021 23:15

No. Leave things as they are. Boring and stable is good.
If he hasn't been bothered until now don't disrupt your DS's life.

mummy203 · 19/07/2021 23:45

Try talking to him about different families. Some people have mums & Dads, some only have one parent. Some have grandparents, some don’t. Some have cousins some don’t etc etc.

When my son was older I made him a list successful / famous Men that grew up without fathers Barack Obama for example.

Southwestrunningmum · 19/07/2021 23:48

It’s lacking in information here, if his a good man (which ignoring his don gor 4 years doesn’t sound like it) but if he is at all then of course your son deserves the right to have a father.

What does the grandad say!

Snookie00 · 19/07/2021 23:52

What do his family say about his lack of interest in his son? How has it come about that they’re involved but he’s not. Agree with the other posters about not rocking the boat now and bringing someone into your sons life who is not committed and will let him down. He should only be involved if he is in it for the long term.

Original poster

MamaOl93 · 20/07/2021 08:05

Quite a few mixed opinions here! If he got on the birth certificate could he take him from me and I’d have no options to get him back? This is what is concerning me

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Ambo21 · 20/07/2021 08:10

If your son wanted a 10 ton lorry would you rush out and buy one for him?
His father.. if you want to call him that in his absence.... is not interested.. so you get them together only for your son to be let down, disappointed and rejected AGAIN... enabled by you!!!

Just as destructive as that 10 ton lorry...
Every family is different, explain that to the little guy.. quite sure not all his friends are in nuclear perfect 2.4 families.. which makes special... just him and you...

Ambo21 · 20/07/2021 08:11

..which makes him special...just him and you...

Choice4567 · 20/07/2021 08:14

Why do you think the Dad would just take him away? And of course he couldn’t just do that and stop you from seeing him.

Also why do you think making contact and seeing if he wants to see your son for a few hours would mean him being on the birth certificate?

ChrissyPlummer · 20/07/2021 08:14

Why do you think he’d take him? He’s shown no interest so far, is there more to you asking this? Did he ever threaten this?

Theneverendingcleaningcycle · 20/07/2021 08:17

It's not as easy as just getting on a birth certificate. He'd have to prove that he was reliable and it was in the best interests of your son. IF he did get on and wanted custody he would have to go through the courts with some pretty strong evidence of why he thought that that was the best for your son. If he hasn't been involved since he was a tiny baby he's not getting joint custody let alone full.
I'd message him asking if he did want a relationship with your son and build a relationship (trust etc) between the two of you first before you bring your son into it.
It might not even be somthing the guy wants.

viques · 20/07/2021 08:20

If you did make contact and he met your son do you honestly think he would make the effort to develop the relationship? Or would he see him a couple of times then vanish again. Imagine how upsetting that would be for your son , and how confusing.

I don’t think you need to worry about him wanting to go to all the effort of putting his name on the bc, if he wanted to he would have done that long ago.

And if in the very unlikely event that he wanted to maintain contact there is not a court in the land that would give him custody based on what you have said on here.

ivfgottwins · 20/07/2021 08:26

He wouldn't be able to just take him away from you - that's not how it works? He is entitled to have a relationship with him though? Do you accept CMS payments from him?

Imagine how your child would feel in a few years time if he finds out you had his contact details but didn't try and facilitate him meeting his dad?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/07/2021 08:38

My son's father walked away when he was three years old. Appeared for a few hours at Christmas when he was eight. Dropped in for two hours when he was twelve. Son is now eighteen and headed for college. He gets a message from his father on facebook about twice a year.
Forget trying to make his father have a relationship with him. Find a cousin or an uncle or a BIL who can be a father figure. Get him involved in karate or some other sport and encourage him. It does not take a father to raise a son to be a good man. Mothers can do it too.
PS Just because he talks about his father does not mean he wants to see him. My son talked about Spiderman being his brother and sleeping in a web strung on the ceiling of his bedroom. Kids have imaginations.

Original poster

MamaOl93 · 20/07/2021 08:51

No he’s never threatened taking my son, it’s just something I wouldn’t put past him. If it was continuous I know he would want to be on the BC

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaOl93 · 20/07/2021 14:33

I spoke to a Gingerbread advisor and she said to me that he cannot take him from me and keep him even if he gets on the birth certificate

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Lsquiggles · 20/07/2021 14:42

Why would he take him away from you if he's shown no interest in him? Is there a reason he should be taken away?

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