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Original poster

What should I say to borderline racist comments about my mixed race child?

52 replies

Pippoppap · 18/07/2021 07:02

I am white, my partner is of Asian heritage. We went to a restaurant yesterday and an old bloke looked at both of us up and down (I have very dark hair) and said ‘who is this blue eyed blonde haired child?’

I wanted to say ‘oh we just found him outside on the street’ but followed my partner’s lead and ignored him.

It does raise an important question for me. If my son and I get shady comments in the future what is the best behaviour to model for him? I realise this is a really basic naive question but I wondered if there were any mums with BAME or mixed raced kids who could sure advice. Thanks

OP posts:
Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 07:12

I am mixed. I am a bit confused.

Is your son blond hair and blue eyed?

I am not convinced this was a racist comment. Or even borderline. It was comment on the fact that that your son looks like neither of you.

Its rude, but I don't believe it's racist. I have laughter skin than the rest of my family and its been pointed out, that I don't look like my brother. But that's also happen to white people I know who look nothing like their siblings too

Unless I have missed something.

kayakingmum · 18/07/2021 07:15

Isn't it just a way of asking what's his name? I.e.just being friendly.

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 07:15

I used to get that and I’m white but I’m blonde and blue eyes and the rest of my family are dark haired with brown eyes.

I used to get where did you pick her up. I’d she the milkman’s. etc.

I think it could’ve meant that more than been racist?

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 07:15

*is she

girlmom21 · 18/07/2021 07:16

It's not borderline racist so you don't need to say anything...

Original poster
Pippoppap · 18/07/2021 07:16

I’m less asking more about the intention behind this particular comment and more about what I would say if anyone says something negative about his heritage. Usually I just follow his dad’s lead but I want to think about how to play it if he is isn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pippoppap · 18/07/2021 07:18

PS with the greatest of respect you weren’t there and didn’t see body language, facial expressions etc. This is the problem with posts, it’s a snapshot and takes a comment out of context. But as I say that’s not really the point of my post - I behaved the same as I would have if it wasn’t racist (smile and nod).

OP posts:
thehairyhog · 18/07/2021 07:20

Yup, it's a micro aggression. Sorry your experience here is being denied, op. I'm not sure on the answer to your question, I expect it's an 'it depends' situation. You did fine.

Greenwateringcan · 18/07/2021 07:22

Genuine question. What is it to me then? I used to get it ALL the time - I look completely different to the rest of my family and if I heard where did you find her/where did you pick her up once I heard it a million times. And I’m white and so are my family.

girlmom21 · 18/07/2021 07:23

If you ever feel someone is being genuinely racist towards either of you, I think you should address it. Respectfully, not aggressively. Call people out on their attitudes and behaviours. Teach your little one to advocate for himself.

Original poster
Pippoppap · 18/07/2021 07:26

@girlmom21 thank you that’s what the sort of advice I am looking for really. But coming from a position of white privilege it’s really really hard to know what to say - I want him to advocate for himself in a way that doesn’t cause him any difficulties. I guess this is such a huge question it’s quite unanswerable.

OP posts:
RhodesianRidgeback · 18/07/2021 07:26

Maybe the best way to model for your son is a sort of matter of fact calm response - so in that situation “he’s our son” said calmly and politely. Points out to the random bloke that this is your child (and maybe challenges his rather silly assumptions about how colouring is passed on), doesn’t turn it into a big drama for your child?

I have friends who are both mixed Asian and white, who have a child who looks totally white. They get a lot of comments/obvious confusion about who they are - school mums thinking my friend is the nanny etc. They’ve taken to just being matter of fact about it, treat the skin colour as though it’s no more noteworthy than hair colour would be in an entirely white family.

stairway · 18/07/2021 07:28

He said what he was thinking out loud , it was rude rather than racist. It can happen a lot if your children don’t look like you. The GP thought I was the nanny once and at a service station my son was having a tantrum while I was trying up get him back into the car. Some people looked at me like I was trying to kidnap him. I don’t consider this racism more ignorance.

Hercisback · 18/07/2021 07:29

Not exactly the same because it's hair colour and not race but if I'm out alone with my ginger child, people often ask about his hair. It's not the same colour as mine. I just say "oh yes he's mine, ginger from his dad" and move on.

RomComPhooey · 18/07/2021 07:30

@Greenwateringcan

I used to get that and I’m white but I’m blonde and blue eyes and the rest of my family are dark haired with brown eyes.

I used to get where did you pick her up. I’d she the milkman’s. etc.

I think it could’ve meant that more than been racist?

I had this with DS as he was white-blonde until around age 5-6 and DH and I both have dark brown hair. We are all white.
TheRebelle · 18/07/2021 07:30

I dunno what you can say to stupid comments like that, as if you hadn’t noticed your own child’s appearance before some genius pointed it out to you. Both of my kids have ginger hair, which shouldn’t be unexpected because both me and DH do to, but strangers and people we know comment on how “unusual” the colour is or how you don’t often see that colour constantly and I think well it’s not unusual to us, is it? We’ve been seeing that colour hair every day of our lives 🙄

MarianneUnfaithful · 18/07/2021 07:32

It is incredibly intrusive band tactless to ask such a question whether it not it was racist. Adopted kids, fostered, step kids… and ignorant, too.

“He’s our fabulous son of course “ might have been my response.

I have mixed race kids snd have had the occasional stupid comment. I usually have minimal deadpan responses. “No that’s not the case” “well that’s your opinion”, “we tend not to answer personal questions “ etc.

RampantIvy · 18/07/2021 07:34

I am not convinced this was a racist comment. Or even borderline. It was comment on the fact that that your son looks like neither of you.

I agree. One of DD's friends had blond hair as a small child, as did her 3 siblings. Both parents have very dark hair. They often used to get stopped at passport control on holiday when officers didn't believe that the children really were theirs.

Wouldyoudothesame · 18/07/2021 07:40

Hi OP. As PP said I think you have to guage the situation as it comes. I have mixed race chn and I am white. None of my chn look like me. I worry about things being said to them and what I would do. I am not a confrontational person and so far the kind of people who have made comments are definitely not people I'd want to engage with so I also find it hard to manage. I would say it is okay to ignore and not engage in these subtle types of remarks and if possible also the less subtle. Say something then and there only if you can do so calmly and feel it is safe to. Most importantly talk to your child about it after and explain what racism is, that it is wrong and that you try where possible not to engage with people with such prejudice. They need to know that they can come to you if they feel like they are being victimised because of their race. They need to know they haven't/aren't doing anything wrong. If you don't talk to them about it, chn often assume they have done something wrong or are wrong themselves in some way which could translate into shame over a long time. It sounds like you have done the right thing and it is great that you are thinking ahead about these things as they will, unfortunately, come up at some point xx

Original poster
Pippoppap · 18/07/2021 07:46

Thank you very much @Wouldyoudothesame that is very helpful. I think sticking to facts in this situation (cheery ‘he’s our son!’ ) is a good call.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/07/2021 07:50

I once had a doctor ask me "how long has he been with you?"
I replied something along the lines of since I gave birth to him / Since he was born, he's mine. Something like that. It was many years ago.

A simple "our son" is a good response to the comment you describe.

Whiskycav · 18/07/2021 07:52

As a mixed race person, I can't tell you how to react. Because, everyone is different.

If you son appears white, most racisim will be more directed at people disbelieving his father is his father or around the heritage of his father.

In that situation I would have said 'this is our son 'x' and that would have been it. My daughter is now my double. But both my kids were the image of their (white) dad. Not in skin colour, but hair and facial features.

People would comment on her not looking like me. Including my Asian family. And it's annoying.

Also alot of your sons racism could come from within his own families. A big part of my dad's Asian family aren't that keen on me because I am lighter, than my brothers. I don't look like them. That started when I was around 11. But also, I I don't 'act Asian enough' for them. Again not a criticism my brothers get. This is something that can't be advised on how to handle.

Mum is blonde but 2 sisters are dark haired and dark eyes (they also got comment about not being related) so I do look like I 'fit' in mums side a bit more. I do often wonder if, I didn't look like them would they reject me to though.

Also there will be plenty of people who simply won't believe he is mixed race. That's hugely frustrating.

Being mixed race can have challenges different to people of one race. So it's kind of learning as you go. Does your son have other mixed race older relatives?

Original poster
Pippoppap · 18/07/2021 08:04

@Whiskycav no, we are the only mixed family of our relatives. We do have friends with mixed kids though who are slightly older.

OP posts:
RancidOldHag · 18/07/2021 08:17

I’m less asking more about the intention behind this particular comment and more about what I would say if anyone says something negative about his heritage

People have been pointing out that you may be misinterpreting comments, because you chose thus one as your typical example. It's like the older version 'looks just like the milkman' , and try talking to a family where some but not all are redheads.

It does seem like there is bottomless pit of crass comments out there. And in your example, it sounds likely that the stranger could have said exactly the same of any two darkhaired parents with a blond blue-eyed DC (as they are recessive characteristics, so it's less common)

But, just because others do not or would not find it racist does not make it any less rude or intrusive. And I think the idea of a cheery brush off it a good one (and models for your son that you don't have to meet rudeness with rudeness, but neither do you have to engage with people with terrible manners)

Truthseeker456 · 18/07/2021 08:17

This doesn't sounds racist to me , just a very rude man !!

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