What should I say to borderline racist comments about my mixed race child?

[Pippoppap]

I am white, my partner is of Asian heritage. We went to a restaurant yesterday and an old bloke looked at both of us up and down (I have very dark hair) and said ‘who is this blue eyed blonde haired child?’

I wanted to say ‘oh we just found him outside on the street’ but followed my partner’s lead and ignored him.

It does raise an important question for me. If my son and I get shady comments in the future what is the best behaviour to model for him? I realise this is a really basic naive question but I wondered if there were any mums with BAME or mixed raced kids who could sure advice. Thanks

It’s odd. I would never question someone if they said a comment was racist - I wouldn’t choose to reinterpret how they experienced something, especially if they hadn’t asked me if I thought it was racist. As PP said, my partner and I interpreted it as a micro aggression and I haven’t asked other peoples take on that within the thread.

The responses to add another layer onto what I need to think about though. If in the future DS interprets something as a micro aggression then I need to be very wary if I disagree on his take on it.

The responses do add another layer! Autocorrect

Yeah that’s a hard one. I don’t feel I can contradict or question somebody else’s experience - like you said above, if I’m not there I haven’t seen the facial expressions/heard the tone etc.

But I do have a non-white friend who had a phase of thinking absolutely everything was racism - so eg we both worked with somebody who was known to be quite grumpy and snappish, but if he snapped at her she thought it was racism. In the end I did say to her that some people are just dicks!

My DH is mixed race, I'm white, my daughter has beautiful olive skin. I sometimes get, ohhhh isn't she a beautiful colour! I simply say, yes she's gorgeous isn't she.

@Pippoppap

It’s odd. I would never question someone if they said a comment was racist - I wouldn’t choose to reinterpret how they experienced something, especially if they hadn’t asked me if I thought it was racist. As PP said, my partner and I interpreted it as a micro aggression and I haven’t asked other peoples take on that within the thread.

The responses to add another layer onto what I need to think about though. If in the future DS interprets something as a micro aggression then I need to be very wary if I disagree on his take on it.

But with all due respect that's because you are white.

If your husband felt it was a micro aggression, whilst I might personally disagree it and see it (as pp said) 'is he the milkmans', I wouldn't question him.

The issue with this comment and why I did question is this. What that man said is actually damaging to children who don't live with a biological parent. It's incredibly insensitive to them. And it's said to people of all races, by lots of people. I don't like it. But not because it's racisim.

And also (and mn is a great example of this) because as alot people are waking up to everyday racisim, we are getting waves of white people correcting us and telling us we are just uneducated, in the issue when we disagree that something is racist. Which is incredibly damaging and is certainly not listening. The good they started with has been lost.

You are listening to your dh. Which is great. But that wasn't clear in your op, you said he ignored it.

As a mixed race person, I disagree with your husband. But I willing to accept that's how he took it. This was a comment on how your son looked like neither of you. Not just that he doesn't (seem) to look like your Asian husband or because you husband is Asian.

I hope that explains it better.

OP I understand. My dad is white but his mum was half Jamaican and he used to get a lot of disbelief that she was his mum. It annoyed him but he used it for good as “passing for white” he would get an insight into racism that his brother (who was darker skinned) didn’t.

Racist people used to think that he would go along with their racist jokes not knowing his origins. Imagine their faces when he pulled out a picture of his mum!

He actually chucked a couple of dinner party guests out of his home once for their racist remarks. I was very proud.

Yes I completely agree @Whiskycav DH did view it as a micro aggression. If he had a different take on it I would have followed suit. We have a rule in that if he talks about his experience as a BAME man I shut up; if I talk about my experience as a woman he shuts up.

My original post was because it’s difficult to follow your child’s take obviously as they are so young. It puts a white parent in a very difficult situation to help a mixed race child navigate this stuff as I have no experience of growing up as an ethnic minority person.

It might have been racist, you experienced it so are best placed to tell
However, my DD is a petite blue eyed blonde and I am not , I have had comments about whether she is mine or not for years

I don't know if I class that as a micro aggression. I'm half Indian, my dp is a very dark haired, eyed welsh man, our ds was strawberry blonde with blue eyes when he was born. People made comments like that to us, but at no point did I think they were talking about the none white part of me, it's just a general, lazy comment about the bizarre nature of genetics.

I think with that kind of comment a calm “what do you mean” addresses it; just because when that happens to white people it isn’t then racist doesn’t mean that it isn’t one of many micro aggressions experienced.
I also think in general these things need calling out; random people ask if my DSD is mine as she’s older than my DC and very different to them and I used to explain them I started thinking why the hell am I explaining this to people.

I am mixed race and was upset by casual assumptions of me being an au pair or someone else unrelated when I was with my young blonde mum. Doesn’t bother me so much now but tbh I don’t stand out as much now as society much more mixed. Tho’ at the vaccination centre, having filled our forms well ans explained medical status in my RP accent, I then had an older, probably well meaning, volunteer ask “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?” Several times. Interestingly my mostly white friends didn’t see an issue, my few non full white did. It’s a bit like how me and my mixed race cousins are pulled over for regular security checks at the airport. But weirdly our white spouses never are. And so now they are aware of it too. Whereas before they wouldn’t have noticed. I think smile and patronise where you can is my best response/ but I do try not to be aggressive if I think it’s just well meant. So with the vaccination volunteer I just said “Yes of course” not “YES, DO YOU?” IFYSWIM.

It happened to me once, but with mine there was no bad intention behind it. Even if there was, I’d just say - yeah, mixed kids have such a wide range of features - it’s really interesting. I think …. Is more like DH and … is more like my family.

I used to get similar when young. My mum died when I was a baby and my dad remarried and had more children. I look very different. I remember a woman in a restaurant saying I looked like 'nobodies child'. So upsetting. We're all white. I think it's very rude and insensitive but such comments aren't necessarily racist.

@AmberRoseGold I find it incredibly rude when people ask that. Or “you speak good English” just pure ignorance.

Hi OP. It was definitely a micro aggression and a way of making you guys feel like you are something “other” I’m sorry you’ve had to go through it. My son is also mixed race (dad is white, I am not) and my son is blonde with blue eyes. When I get comments like this I tend to completely blank the person making them and act as if they don’t exist. I feel like I don’t owe anyone, let alone a stranger, any sort of explanation. It’s not my job to educate ignorant rude people. Chances are they just won’t learn anything so what’s the point. Everyone will have w different way of dealing with things like this. Do what’s best for you and your family

My husband is white and I'm mixed Asian Kenyan so I'm quite dark. Our 4 month old definitely takes after her dad. Where I live in constantly being mistaken for my daughter's nanny. On the other hand my side of the family are overjoyed she's fair as that's considered attractive unlike my darker skin.

It’s incredibly rude but sadly common. In your situation I’d tend to reply “genetics can be quirky like that, amazing isn’t it?”

But there are loads of children being brought up by people who aren’t their genetic parents for a range of reasons, some of which are very difficult and painful and not something you’d want brought up by a random stranger.

OP, you might like to reflect on your own microaggression in your unthinking use of the term 'an old bloke'.

Would you have said 'a Jewish bloke'? 'A gay bloke'?

Sauce for the racist goose is sauce for the ageist gander.

@Pippoppap

I am white, my partner is of Asian heritage. We went to a restaurant yesterday and an old bloke looked at both of us up and down (I have very dark hair) and said ‘who is this blue eyed blonde haired child?’

I wanted to say ‘oh we just found him outside on the street’ but followed my partner’s lead and ignored him.

It does raise an important question for me. If my son and I get shady comments in the future what is the best behaviour to model for him? I realise this is a really basic naive question but I wondered if there were any mums with BAME or mixed raced kids who could sure advice. Thanks

I got this a lot with DS when he was blonde. I’m mixed Indian - Romany; DH is Indian and DS’ blonde hair as a baby came from his side lol.

DH used to go into a long scientific explanation of the ethno origins of blonde hair (it’s not a ‘white’ trait; but a random genetic mutation that appears in all races. It only became common in Europe because small populations meant lots of inbreeding) which either offended racists or fascinated them lol.

@Wormholes

OP, you might like to reflect on your own microaggression in your unthinking use of the term 'an old bloke'.

Would you have said 'a Jewish bloke'? 'A gay bloke'?

Sauce for the racist goose is sauce for the ageist gander.

A victim of racism is complaining and as always the idiot element of MN appears to dismiss it.

You're a woman?

What would you say if you had a daughter and an adult said something like 'girls don't like football" to her?

So a sexist comment, overtly so, but not necessarily intentionally mean. I'd say handle it that way you would handle that.

And then imagine if someone said 'little girls aren't very bright and shouldn't be allowed to be doctors' and imagine how you would handle the equivalent.

So for me in the first example I used to handle it by saying to DD, oh that's funny we know girls love football what a silly thing to think! So not making a huge thing out of it and make DD uncomfortable but also making very clear what I thought of the opinion to the person who made it.

In the second I'd tell the person to go fuck themselves, and let DD know that's the only suitable answer. Luckily I don't think I've had to deal with that one in front of DD

But the point is never just let it lie. You owe it to your kid to never ignore it

@Wormholes

OP, you might like to reflect on your own microaggression in your unthinking use of the term 'an old bloke'.

Would you have said 'a Jewish bloke'? 'A gay bloke'?

Sauce for the racist goose is sauce for the ageist gander.

Eh?

@Wjevtvha

I think with that kind of comment a calm “what do you mean” addresses it; just because when that happens to white people it isn’t then racist doesn’t mean that it isn’t one of many micro aggressions experienced. I also think in general these things need calling out; random people ask if my DSD is mine as she’s older than my DC and very different to them and I used to explain them I started thinking why the hell am I explaining this to people.

I agree with this… it’s so easy to start explaining yourself and then realising you don’t own anyone an explanation.

I’m mixed race and used to get random strangers asking where I’m from (a small town in the north west), followed by “no but where are you originally from”. Or “where’s your surname from”.

I think in my case because I look fairly white it’s mostly people being nosey rather than racist, but it still annoys me that people feel they have the right to ask.

If you don’t want to answer something, just don’t. Just say, “oh why do you ask?” Or “that’s a funny thing to say” or a similar deflection.

I'm not sure why people are saying the child looks nothing like its parents. Different colouring doesn't mean you were dropped from outer space and look nothing like your parents, so why the need to comment on the coloring?

@Wormholes

OP, you might like to reflect on your own microaggression in your unthinking use of the term 'an old bloke'.

Would you have said 'a Jewish bloke'? 'A gay bloke'?

Sauce for the racist goose is sauce for the ageist gander.

Yes OP You clearly deserve racism aimed at you

What a bloody stupid post - anyone trying to excuse racism like this is clearly racist